I will never look at the world the same way again.

1. THERE IS NO GUY NAMED “G.I.JOE”

This blew my freakin’ mind this weekend. MrZoot bought the first season of “G.I.Joe” on DVD. I sat down on the couch while he was watching it. In an attempt to TRY to share this interest with my husband, I started the following conversation:

Me: So - is that G.I.Joe?
Him: No. There is no ONE guy named G.I. Joe. It is an organization.
Me: Shut Up (I thought he was making fun of me). Thats not true, is it?
Him: Yes. Its a group of people, not one person.
Me: Liar. Who is that guy then, the doll, the guy in the package that says “GIJoe” on it.
Him: It depends, there are a lot of them you can buy. They are all called “Joes” blah blah blah special uniforms blah blah blah certain characteristics blah blah blah good guys blah blah blah red lazers.
Me: Wow. That is messed up. Wait - is that a chic? Is she a GIJoe too?
Him: Yep - thats blah blah blah blah. She blah blah blahs. No one dies on this show, ever. Blah Blah chics.
Me: Damn. This show was awfully progressive.
Him: I know blah blah blah, special dolls blah blah blah UPC code blah blah blah special guy who never talks blah blah blah Cobra Comander blah blah blah never see his face blah blah.

This was a TOTAL shock to me. MrZoot talked for quite sometime about the details surrounding his all time favorite cartoon, but I didnt really pay attention. I was too floored by the fact that GIJOE is not ONE guy, its a group. Where the hell have I been getting my information my whole life. Damn.

2. PEOPLE WHO SHOP AT MY TARGET ARE A BUNCH OF LAZY JERKWADS

Seriously. They are so freakin’ lazy. I go to this Target all the time, but usually at NOT crowded times. You know, 8am, or 9pm. However, I went grocery shopping during peak shopping time this weekend. Saturday afternoon to be exact. I KNOW at this time of day to expect long lines and women with buggies full of groceries (and Men, I am not trying to be sexist). Target is better at keeping plenty of cashiers than WalMart, but still, its Saturday afternoon, you can only be so prepared.

Anywho. As I waiting for the woman with 700 DOLLARS WORTH OF MERCHANDISE to ring up in front of me, I had time to observe the rest of the people checking out. I noticed 2 trends that made me want to kick some sense into complete strangers.
NUMBER 1: Some of these customers, mainly women, wont put their own groceries in their own buggy. Even if they are doing NOTHING else. Seriously. The cashier puts the groceries into bags and then puts the bags on the other end of the counterthingy. Most of us, (ME) then grab the bags and put them in the buggy. But NOOOO, not some people. Some people sit there and STARE at the cashier, maybe look around, fluff their hair, what-the-hell-ever, and THEN watch said cashier load the 400 bags into their buggy holding up the rest of the line behind them. WTF? I am lazy, but come ON.

NUMBER 2: Some people use a buggy to shop. THEN, when they check out, they only have a few items (I’ve done this, no biggy). Well, there is no need to push the buggy all the way out to your car when you only have 2 bags, right? So - what do you do? You push the buggy into the line of buggies by the door. Right?

Wrong.

DEAD Wrong.

No - you push the buggy and park it NEXT TO the line of buggies. NEXT TO. Okay. One person does this? No problem. But ALL OF THE DAMN LAZY ASSHATS do it. SO what does that do? Creates a freakin’ barricade in front of the freakin’ exit so that NORMAL customers, like myself, have to weave in and out of your damn buggies so that we can get out the damn door. Then, a WONDERFUL Target employee comes and pushes all the buggies 6 inches over and into the line. 15 minutes later? 5 more Freakin’ buggies blocking the shit-crap-damn-itALLtoHell door again.

Lazy Asshats. This sucks too - because I LOVE the part of town I live in, I love the people, the schools, the sidewalks, the stinky Bradford Pear Trees. But now? A little hate mixed in for good measure..

3. I TOTALLY NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE BRITISH LEGAL SYSTEM

So, MrZoot Tivo’d “Dial M for Murder”. It is a 1954 Alfred Hitchcock Mystery. I’ve never watch any Hitchcock movies, I dont think, so it was fascinating. Okay - but there was one thing that TOTALLY confused the crap out of me. If I werent such a lazy bitch (not the same as lazy asshat, because I put my buggy up) I would look it up, instead I write about it.

Okay - plot basics: Innocent British women is being wrongfully accused of murder. The “trial” is simply a man’s voice announcing the verdict as the heroine (if you can call her that) looks pained. No courtroom, not even anything hanging on the wall behind the woman on trial. You hear the man say that she is sentenced to death for this murder and then, the shot switches from her pained expression to this man (who I am assuming is the judge) and some disembodied hands placing a black napkin on his head.

WTF?

What does that mean? We dont do that here, do we? Hell, I thought GIJoe was one person, so maybe I’m clueless about our legal system too. But, I dont think we put black napkins on our heads. Is that because she got the death penalty? Or does it signify the end of any trial? Or was it just because his head was sweaty? I dont know. MrZoot seemed as shocked as I was, but he has been known to have missed out on some basics of life too, so that doesnt mean anything.

A Black napkin. ON his head. Seriously. What the hell?

So - I start this Monday, feeling like I am living in a new world. There is no GIJoe, people where I live are lazy jerkholes, and the British? Cover their judges heads with black napkins.