Yeah - so this entry has NOTHING to do with how cold it is in my office, but its important nonetheless. So I titled the entry as such. It is actually about the Coffee Jerkholes.

I have been a coffee drinker since high school. I used to drink it black, because I didnt know there were options. Somewhere along the way I tried cream and sugar, and LIKED it. Then, I discovered flavored syrups and flavored creamers - yum. However, the trend of popular coffee consuption over the last 10 years (5 years here in Alabama, we are a tad slow on the “trends”) has created what I like to call “Coffee Jerkholes”.

My first encounter with a Coffee Jerkhole was when I went to a Atlanta, GA (I love Atlanta - this is not a criticism for the entire city, just for this specific coffee-bar employee) for a job interview a few years ago. I went to a non-chain coffee shop and asked for a large coffee with a shot of vanilla flavoring.

Big Mistake.

What followed was what I like to call “The Coffee Lecture of 2000″. It went something like this

HER: “We dont HAVE flavored syrups HERE. I am incredibly insulted you would even assume we would. We are ONLY about the coffee here. We dont flavor it with ANYTHING because good coffee doesnt NEED flavoring. We roast our own BEANS in the BACK - for Christ’s sake. We dont even offer CREAM or SUGAR. If you are going to insult high quality coffee by putting flavoring in it, you’ll need to go to one of THOSE CHAINS where they offer frozen and flavored coffees. WE are ONLY for the consumer who drinks coffee for the taste of COFFEE, not VANILLA”.

ME: “Uh. Okay. I take it an Iced Mocha is out too then…”

Since then, I have noticed that there are those coffee drinkers and coffee makers who will scowl at my excessive use of creamer. They tend to scoff at my request for sweet-n-low. They will look at me like I’m a second rate citizen and will whisper about me and my “Caramel Frapaccino” when my back is turned. These - are Coffee Jerkholes. These are people who think that I must have just walked out of my cardboard box in the back alley if I HONESTLY prefer a LESS Robust coffee. I dont like Robust ANYTHING.

Am I not allowed to call myself a coffee-drinker if I like Hazelnut Creamer? If I avoid Starbucks because their coffee is “too strong” - does that make me unfit to say “I like Coffee”? Will you ridicule me when I ask you if your establishment makes “Iced Coffee Drinks” and kick me out? Are not even going to entertain my request for you to leave room for cream?

I need to know. I need to know if I am breaking secret JAVA Rules I do not know about. I need to know if there is a Coffee Code of Conduct I need to consult. Please, fax me the latest ammendments to the Constitution of the Coffee Bean so that I will know whether or not to wait until I am in the privacy of my own vehicle before adding Sweet-n-low to the Large Coffee I just purchased. And am I going to be fined for saying “Large” instead of “Venti”. If the answer to that is “Yes”, please also email me with the correct pronunciation of that word.

Until then, please be nice and remember - some of us do NOT subscribe to the Journal of JAVA and are NOT aware of what is currently accepted in the world of the Coffe Bean. So - take your BLACK COFFEE, and leave us to our Flavored Syrups, we’ll try not to embarass you by asking if you could pass us 2 Equals.