Pamie.com calls herself a “Pop Culture Princess” and she totally deserves that title. I, on the other hand, am the opposite. Dont get me wrong, I love Pop Culture. I watch Reality TV, I read my Entertainment Weekly cover to cover, I listen to Ryan Seacrest’s AT Top40, I even read Dean Koontz. Here is the problem: my tastes in ALL things related to “entertainment” suck ass. For real. I am not saying that I thought Gigli should have won an Oscar, or Stephen King’s Carrie deserved a Pulitzer, I am not that extreme. But reading this article today on Fametracker, I was reminded how often I dont agree with critics, journalists, or the general public.

So - These are my opinions that seem either contrary to critics as a GROUP (see: The Hours) or to the general pulic (see: Russel Crowe) - and often, both (see: Seinfeld). Please dont hate me because of them…

1. As mentioned before: I hated Raising Arizona. And Nicolas Cage? Well…um…he is not my favorite actor. (This is kinda hard…)

2. I love Val Kilmer, especially in The Saint. Now, Tombstone is my all time favorite, but since most agree with that - it doesnt belong on THIS list.

3. I wanted to buy the N’ Sync albums. I didnt though, because I was too embarassed, and I was afraid MrZoot would take my ring back. I DID, however, buy Justin’s solo album, b/c that seems more acceptable to the general public.

4. I really only buy popular fiction. Dan Brown, Dean Koontz, and James Patterson are usually what “I’m Reading” which is why I dont list it on my sidebar, it is not that exciting, and kinda makes me look a tad boring. I prefer you all pretend I’m reading something incredibly artistic or academic.

5. I love Smashmouth. I dance to “All Star” when I’m driving. It totally cheers me up.

6. I hated the Doors. Even when ALL my friends were “discovering” them, I only faked my interest. I even acted interested in Jim Morrison to get a guy - but I really didnt like them at all. LZ and PF - they rocked, but the Doors? Not so much.

7. Oh, also hated Phish, and kinda still do. Yes, I’ve seen them live a few times, but - everyone I KNEW at the time LOVED them - they were filling their Grateful Dead needs. But for me? It was always only Jerry.

8. I totally loved the Wedding Planner AND J.Lo.

9. I didnt really like Clerks. Sorry. I dont even think MrZoot knew that one. But we are already married now, so he cant really do anything about it. And I really DID like Chasing Amy.

10. The only reason I ever was interested in the Stars Wars movies growing up was for the Ewoks. I love Ewoks. I actually have one I got for my 10th birthday that I still sleep with. Yes, that is a picture of him, Stop laughing dammit. He looked more like an Ewok BEFORE 18 years as a pillow. Shut it.

11. I liked Episode 1 AND Jar Jar Binks. What? He made me giggle. I mean - what do you expect? I liked EWOKS.

12. I couldnt make it past the first 5 chapters of The Hours, and I didnt like the movie either. And I REALLY did NOT like Nicole Kidman IN the movie.

13. I Hate Russel Crowe with every ounce of my soul. This Hate is so strong I wont see ANY of his movies. EVER. No matter how much MrZoot harasses me about it. Never Ever.

14. I do NOT want Rachel and Ross together. I am hoping the writers will make ME happy instead of the other 20 million viewers, and the actors themselves who all want Ross and Rachel together.

15. I didnt like Rupert during the last season of Survivor, neither did MrZoot. He was a tad annoying.

16. Clay Aiken TOTALLY freaks me out. I mean, REALLY. MrZoot says he looks like K. D. Lang. If I thought that, it would be okay - but there is something else — that REALLY bothers me about him, like I think he may be a cyborg…

17. This one is tough to admit: I really dont like Seinfeld. I have tried, and I laugh sometimes. I’m sorry, but in general? It just kinda bothers me. I just dont like it. Please come back…where are you going?

18. Lion King was my LEAST favorite Disney Movie. I know it broke all sorts of records related to animated movies, and some records related to movies in general, but it was the one I liked the LEAST.

19. I totally dont care about the Life of Pi

20. I think Georgia O’Keefe rocks.

21. I think Billy Bob Thornton is sexy. But, I dont like him as an actor.

22. If I have NOT seen an Oscar nominated movie BEFORE they announce the nominees - I usually avoid it afterward.

23. I have loved everything Dave Mathews has EVER been associated with.

24. A Knights Tale is one of my top ten favorite movies.

25. I think Halle Berry is overrated. Of course, because of #22, I may have missed her best work.

26. Peirce Brosnan SUCKS ASS as James Bond. And all the James Bond movies he’s been in? SUCK ASS.

27. Oh - here is one I almost forgot - G.I. Jane ALSO goes in my “Top Ten” list. What? I am serious. I was so looking forward to that movie that I went to the THEATER to see it. ALONE. Because no one would go with me. And yes, I own it. I love it. I want to marry it.

28. I actually liked Destiny’s Child better than Beyonce alone

29. 90210 and Melrose Place? - I hated BOTH of them ALMOST as much as I currently hate Russel Crowe.

30. Okay - some of you who read TWOP or Tomato Nation or Fametracker or Pamie will totally know why this is “contrary” to popular opinon. If you dont read those sites, you should, but I am glad you dont, because you wont find this odd:

I like the Jim Mullen “report” part of each Entertainment Weekly. I think he’s funny. Please dont tell anyone else that okay? That might be what totally gets me banned from the TWOP boards.

Okay - as I started with this list, I realized how extreme this is because things kept popping into my head. I thought it would be a 1 - 10 kind of list. HA! Or not. So - as not to paint myself as totally off the wall, uneducated, and completely boring, I’ll stop here. Although I have to admit - this is VERY liberating. I should start a monthly tradition out of this, and call it the

What I am Scared to Admit out LOUD List

I hope I havent offended anyone…Hello? Anyone there? Hellloooo? Shit.

Today has been a wacked out day. Shit has been going wrong all day, and I have been torn between tears and rage all day long. Then, I take my son to his soccer practice and I decide to try to shut up the emotions by reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. All goes well until I read Stephen Kings article at the end. What follows is the entry I savagely scribbled after I read the article. This one, not quite typical for this here blog. I SWEAR, but it was one I had to post. Here, I’ll help you out? Want funny? Click HERE. Because I? Am freakin’ Hilarious.
Keep going if you want to read the not-so-funny Zoot post.
(more…)

Yeah - so this entry has NOTHING to do with how cold it is in my office, but its important nonetheless. So I titled the entry as such. It is actually about the Coffee Jerkholes.

I have been a coffee drinker since high school. I used to drink it black, because I didnt know there were options. Somewhere along the way I tried cream and sugar, and LIKED it. Then, I discovered flavored syrups and flavored creamers - yum. However, the trend of popular coffee consuption over the last 10 years (5 years here in Alabama, we are a tad slow on the “trends”) has created what I like to call “Coffee Jerkholes”.

My first encounter with a Coffee Jerkhole was when I went to a Atlanta, GA (I love Atlanta - this is not a criticism for the entire city, just for this specific coffee-bar employee) for a job interview a few years ago. I went to a non-chain coffee shop and asked for a large coffee with a shot of vanilla flavoring.

Big Mistake.

What followed was what I like to call “The Coffee Lecture of 2000″. It went something like this

HER: “We dont HAVE flavored syrups HERE. I am incredibly insulted you would even assume we would. We are ONLY about the coffee here. We dont flavor it with ANYTHING because good coffee doesnt NEED flavoring. We roast our own BEANS in the BACK - for Christ’s sake. We dont even offer CREAM or SUGAR. If you are going to insult high quality coffee by putting flavoring in it, you’ll need to go to one of THOSE CHAINS where they offer frozen and flavored coffees. WE are ONLY for the consumer who drinks coffee for the taste of COFFEE, not VANILLA”.

ME: “Uh. Okay. I take it an Iced Mocha is out too then…”

Since then, I have noticed that there are those coffee drinkers and coffee makers who will scowl at my excessive use of creamer. They tend to scoff at my request for sweet-n-low. They will look at me like I’m a second rate citizen and will whisper about me and my “Caramel Frapaccino” when my back is turned. These - are Coffee Jerkholes. These are people who think that I must have just walked out of my cardboard box in the back alley if I HONESTLY prefer a LESS Robust coffee. I dont like Robust ANYTHING.

Am I not allowed to call myself a coffee-drinker if I like Hazelnut Creamer? If I avoid Starbucks because their coffee is “too strong” - does that make me unfit to say “I like Coffee”? Will you ridicule me when I ask you if your establishment makes “Iced Coffee Drinks” and kick me out? Are not even going to entertain my request for you to leave room for cream?

I need to know. I need to know if I am breaking secret JAVA Rules I do not know about. I need to know if there is a Coffee Code of Conduct I need to consult. Please, fax me the latest ammendments to the Constitution of the Coffee Bean so that I will know whether or not to wait until I am in the privacy of my own vehicle before adding Sweet-n-low to the Large Coffee I just purchased. And am I going to be fined for saying “Large” instead of “Venti”. If the answer to that is “Yes”, please also email me with the correct pronunciation of that word.

Until then, please be nice and remember - some of us do NOT subscribe to the Journal of JAVA and are NOT aware of what is currently accepted in the world of the Coffe Bean. So - take your BLACK COFFEE, and leave us to our Flavored Syrups, we’ll try not to embarass you by asking if you could pass us 2 Equals.

Oh Lord. I am so freakin’ glad its Friday. I am NOT however, glad its a “Driving LilZ to see his Dad in another STATE” Friday. LilZ has been grounded all week. FOR REAL Grounded, not the Mamsy-Pamsy-Groundin’ I usually do where I get SOOO worried he’ll hate me that I spend the entire Grounding Cycle trying to entertain him. Now — of course I can not force the grounding to stick while he is at his Dads in Georgia, so he gets a “free weekend” while he’s there. This does NOTHING for my guilty complex.

Anywhoooo. My point…

Not only do I have to drive 200 miles tonight, in the FREAKIN’ storms, but I have to drive to send my son to his Dad’s where he’ll have FUN and wish he didn’t have to come back to his Mom’s where he’ll be grounded for another week. So, to counteract his imaginary hatred of me, I’ve been all “guess what WE’LL do when your not grounded anymore?” and promising him movies, and toys, and cars, and women. JUST so he wont be sad to leave his Dad’s on Sunday and come home. Because THAT? Is effective parenting…

And I wonder why he acts spoiled sometimes…

And you know what ELSE I did last night to top off my qualifications for “Mom of the Year”? While I was trying to be all CoolMom and FunMom, telling him all the things we’ll do when he’s not grounded, I was also trying to do the whole Physical Comedy schtick which ALL 9-yr-old boys love to see their Moms do. You know, acting all weird, Singing Badly and making him laugh by tickling him and stuff.

Okay - keep in mind, I’m ALSO trying to cook dinner at the same time. NEVER shall the two meet again…

So, I put on the oven mitt while I’m singing HORRENDOUSLY, and LOUDLY, and making him laugh. I pull the pan o’ chicken out of the oven and put it ON the stove. I continue my giggle-inducing melody, and try to get him to dance too. So - somehow - the oven mitt touched his face -

AND BURNED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM B/C IT WAS STILL HOT.

I am an idiot. He cried, I cried, and of course I, promised him MORE things after he gets ungrounded so he doesn’t hate me for burning him on TOP of hating me for grounding him…

Yeah. Zoot. She rules with an Iron Fist. Watch out. She’ll TOTALLY ground you, for like 5 minutes, promising you cars and stuff when you are UNGROUNDED so that you wont be mad at her for grounding you in the first place. Because She? Is RUTHLESS.

I lost everything as a child. And no, I dont mean that in a “Tragedy hit and all my worldly possessions were lost in the blink of an eye - woe is me” kind of way. I mean it in a “I dont remember where I put it” or a “I put it somewhere so obscure there is no hope of me recoverring it” kind of way.

It started in 1982 during the World’s Fair in Knoxville, TN. I remember little about the World’s Fair, being that I was only 8, but I do remember one thing. My father (or maybe my mom?) bought me a souvenir. That was rare for my family. My brother and I usually got 1 dollar to blow at the Students Museum gift shop when we went as children, but other than that, my Dad wasnt a “my child needs over-priced objects that will break in 5 minutes to remember this day by” kind of dad. So - point being - that souvenir was a prized commodity.

Well, I remember going to one of the many exhibits and leaving said souvenir behind. I was devastated when I realized I had lost it, we went back, and it was gone.

The funny thing is this: I can recall quite easily the sadness I felt at having lost that souvenir. I remember vividly, the jealousy over my brother still having his weeks and weeks later. I remember the regret I constantly felt like it was yesterday.

But I have no idea what the hell it was.

Maybe a sunvisor, or a snowglobe. I cant remember for sure, but I THINK it was one of those.

Obviously - this supports the concept that having a souvenir was such a gift in itself, that it was more important to me than the actual object. Hm.

Anyway - that was the start of what would be a life of absent-mindedness and scatter brained mistakes that would result in what is now a long list of items and cash lost.

But none of it has been missed as much as the precious souvenir from 1982.

RIP snowglobe/sunvisor - you were loved, even if but for a moment.