Average Joe 2 was messed UP y’all. I swear, its over, but I look back on the last 5 minutes of the show and STILL think it was some big joke.

Okay - check this out - because I KNOW none of you were actually watching that steaming pile of TV poop.

So tonight, Larissa was to choose between the Average Joe - Brian, and the Hot Body Gil. The editing TOTALLY set it up to be Average Brian b/c he was rockin’ her world. They made Gil look like a total Arse. Example: when she asked him what he hoped to come from all of this (as in RELATIONSHIPS), he said “Oh- to get to be an actor, for sure…”. Idiot. Brian wooed her in every way. I wont bore you with the details. Just know that Boston Brian ROCKED. Hot Body Gil SUCKED.

The adds were also pimping that BIG SECRET from HER PAST. So, short story: She picked Gil. Bitch. I hate her. But they hadnt told us her secret yet…

THEN, while she and Hot Body Gil are on their Lover’s Vacation in the tropics, she decides to tell him her secret while they walk along the beach. Okay. Get Ready for it…

Are you ready? Do you have an idea of what you think it might be? Erase it, you are WRONG. Now, clear your minds.

She Dated Fabio.

That was her fuckin’ secret people. She dated Fabio.

SO - I dont even have a MOMENT to let the absurdity of said “secret” sink in before the other half of the weirdness begins.

Hot Body Gil? FREAKS THE EFF OUT AND LEAVES. Seriously. He went on some bizarro rant and LEFT HER. During. Their. Romantic. Vacation. HE left HER. Because of FABIO.

What. The. Eff. EVAH….

I’m going to let that sink in, wait for the public opinion to unfold in the media (Because the show was soooo popular that it is sooo going to be the water cooler topic today) before I tell you the proceeding argument Mr. Zoot and I had over it, because people? Mr. Zoot was pissed TOO. Is there something about Fabio I’m missing? Why does he instill such anger and drama in the lives of those he touches?

The. Hell?
(more…)

1. I was born on Bastille Day, 1975.

2. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 or so. I have almost ZERO memories of them being together. I was raised by my Dad. Saw Mom on the weekends.

3. Went to Catholic school for 12 years.

4. My house had NO air conditioning and 2 heaters. One weak ass baseboard heater, and one old as HELL coil heater. We would fight over who got to sit on the coil heater to defrost our ASSES in the winter. Lesson Learned: Blue Jeans Heat up quickly and will burn your buttflesh if you are not careful.

5. Kids at my day care used to call me pizza face. Bastards.

6. I shaved the bottom half of my head when I was in High School. I didnt let it grow out until 1999. I totally miss it being like that.

7. I have 3 tatoos.

8. My husband, MrZoot has 4.

9. I took LittleZoot with me to get the last one (it has his name hidden in it). After hearing me say “LittleZoot, please wait in the lobby b/c Mommy has to say some dirty words” he decided he probably wont get one when he grows up.

10. I have a friend with her privates pierced, and it kinda freaks me out a bit. NO, I have not seen it. Ew.

11. I am addicted to shoes and purses. But, I shop at Target so it doesnt really break the bank.

12. I am also addicted to Target.

13. Oh, and Diet Coke - TOTALLY addicted to Diet Coke.

14. My fingernails are super-ugly. I dont even bite them. They just suck.

15. My first loves name was Doug. He gave me a MOONIE for my Sweet Sixteen. I was a tad disappointed, he dumped my ass a short time later - I kinda saw that coming.

16. My brother LOVES that story.

17. He makes me tell it ALL the freakin’ time. It cracks him UP.

18. I love butterflies. Just look at my tatoos.

19. My first concert was Michael Jackson - Thriller.

20. I have a tendency to mimic my friends language and behavior. I am not a stalker, just impressionable.

21. My Dad took my bro and I on a cross-country camping trip during the summer of 1990. I am VERY proud of that fact. I brag about it a lot.

22. My maternal grandmother - Mo - was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.

23. I used to hate Christmas until I had LittleZoot.

24. I type the right way.

25. My best friend growing up was named Mollie. Mollie’s parents were wonderful, beautiful role models. All of my ideas of how a two-parent family works, are from her home. I never got a chance to tell EITHER Of them that before they passed away. I kinda wish I had.

26. I have pretty feet. People tell me that a lot, or else I might have NEVER known because I dont think much of them.

27. My favorite movie as a teen was Pump Up the Volume.

28. My first music purchase was the Soundtrack to “Lost Boys”

29. I took LilZ to a Grateful Dead concert when he was 7 months old (I was 19 years old). Jerry Garcia died a month later.

30. I have also taken LilZ to see Bob Dylan and the Indigo Girls. And COUNTLESS small, local shows. As long as its outside, I’ll take him.

31. MrZ and I have completely different tastes in music. Although, after 4 years, we at least appreciate each others music.

32. I hated the movie Raising Arizona

33. LilZ loves the band “Poison”. For REAL. He LOVES them. (edited to add: This isn’t true anymore. sigh}

34. I love buying new pens. If you know one I should try, let me know.

35. My most embarassing moment involves becoming a “woman”, my Dad’s cool but crazy girlfriend, a lobster hat, and a polaroid. Thats all you need to know.

36. I really liked my Dad’s cool but crazy girlfriend. Not like some kids who hate the people their parents date.

37. I worry they broke up because of me. Like in those damn “after school specials”.

38. I fell in love with MrZoots biceps first, his mind second. I’m not ashamed to admit that.

39. That makes me sound terribly shallow. I am not normally shallow though, if you knew his biceps, you’d understand.

40. My mother survived a ruptured aneurism in July 2001. She now has 14 titanium coils in her brain, as well as 2 tubes draining CS fluid. You would NEVER know it though, she made a FULL recovery. She ROCKS.

41. I had to file a grievance against a professor once for grabbing my ass.

42. I changed my major 6 times before I graduated with my General Biology degree. I then went back to college for a Professional Geography degree.

43. I use big words wrong a lot. I am sorry.

44. I tend to hide behind humor and sarcasm.

45. I hope, someday, to be able to tell a few famous people how much they inspire me. Among them are: Angelina Jolie, Ellen DeGeneres, Kathy Najimy, and Jennifer Aniston. Please tell them if you see them for me.

46. I didnt adopt political beliefs until AFTER I got divorced.

47. Today, my ex and I have OPPOSITE beliefs.

48. I have NO idea what that says about either of us.

49. I am obsessed with my weight. It scares the shit out of MrZoot.

50. I spell the word “Teusday” wrong all the time. I think it looks better MY way.

51. I know very few grammar rules. I barely use the ones I know.

52. That said, at one time in college, I was an English Major.

53. My High School english teacher actually LAUGHED at me for that. That was not nice.

54. I love to read popular fiction.

55. I listen to Top 40 radio stations.

56. I lose at least 6 pairs of sunglasses a year.

57. I got pregnant at 18, married the father at 19, left the father at 23, met Mr. Zoot at 24, married him at 28. Life is good.

58. People tell me I don’t look my age. They are on crack.

59. I dont even get carded for beer anymore. That kinda makes me sad.

60. I have 7 holes on my left ear and 3 on my right. I still keep earrings in all of them.

61. Why? Because Blossom was my idol.

62. When MrZ and I married in 10/2003, I made my OWN wedding cakes, out of Krispy Kreme Donuts. I dont like cake that much, so why pay a gagillion dollars for one, when for 60 I could make a cake I WOULD love.

63. Target’s Bakery made me icing flowers to put on my donut cake. The day I went by to explain what I wanted? The bakers were so hysterical over the idea of a donut cake that one of them had to HIDE in the FREEZER because he couldnt stop laughing.

64. I actually did almost everything for my wedding to MrZoot.

65. I wanted it to be my DREAM wedding because the first one, although BIG, was not my doing, nor my wanting.

66. So, I wanted my wedding with MrZoot to be all I had dreamed. And it was.

67. We took LilZ on our honeymoon and called it our FamilyMoon.

68. LilZ walked with me and my Dad down the aisle.

69. I could TOTALLY talk about my wedding to MrZoot all day. I’ll save that though.

70. MrZoot and I graduated with the SAME degree, and the SAME college internships, and applied for the SAME jobs. Even now, I call him for help.

71. MrZ’s job requires security clearance. He actually has to “ZootProof” his office before I come by.

72. One of my best friends from High School teaches at our old school now. WITH some of our old teachers. She calls them by their first names though. That kinda freaks me out a little.

73. We took LilZ to Las Vegas in June 2002. We camped at Lake Mead, and then stayed at Circus Circus. It rocked.

74. I dont make left turns on any road other than back roads without a light. Seriously. It drives MrZoot bananas.

75. I dont swim very well at all. Open water scares me.

76. I dont ride bikes well either.

77. I was a vegetarian for 6 years. Not any more though. I wish I were, but I am too freakin’ lazy.

78. I was a vegan for 9 months. It made me lactose-intolerant, mildly.

79. My Dad is totally my Idol.

80. I love Entertainment Weekly. My friend, JunkieB, bought me a subscription to it for Christmas one year, I’ve kept it up ever since.

81. I love cheesy romantic comedies and cheesy action flicks.

82. I bought the Justin Timberlake “Justified” CD for myself. Thats kinda embarassing.

83. I drink Cosmopolitans because I think it makes me look cute.

84. I thought people who ate Sushi were just trying to be “cool” until I ate Sushi. Man, that stuff is good.

85. I am mildy obsessed with home decorating shows. I do NOT own my own home yet.

86. YET. {Edited to add: I now, as of 4/15/05, DO own a home. Finally.}

87. I am TOTALLY OBSESSED with Harry Potter and have been for years.

88. LilZ and I actually had our family portraits made wearing Harry Potter T-shirts, and with the books, and our Scabbers doll, as props. Yes, our family PORTRAITS.

89. I was at the book store at Midnight, 6-21-03 to get Book 5. My friend, JunkieB and I started reading around 1am, after putting the kids to bed, and did NOT stop until we finished the next day.

90. I dyed my hair black in 1997. All because of aforementioned “friend” Junkie. She talked me into it. I liked it for about 2 days. 3 months, and almost 200 dollars later, it was FINALLY all gone.

91. More often than not? My hair is dyed red. Naturally? Its dirty blonde. I think.

92. I’ve never been out of the country.

93. I love living where I do. I didnt think I would, but I REALLY do. Its not typical Alabama, like the town I lived in for 7 years BEFORE.

94. I have naturally curly hair which I NEVER wash. It is NEVER oily because it is so freakin’ dry. The only time its washed is when I get it trimmed because I am afraid the person will think I’m gross if I say “please dont wash my hair, just condition it”.

95. I love Southern Cuisine.

96. I met Ty and Frank from Trading Spaces. Frank has a picture of He and LittleZoot. He was very proud of it.

97. I was voted most changed at my 10-yr reunion. I have no idea what they meant by that. I mean, not many of them actually KNEW me in high school - so who the hell knows.

98. I have alienated and pissed off WAY MORE people than I have befriended.

99. That kinda makes me sad.

100. But not really.

What has me bitching this Monday.

• Remember my beautiful refrigerator that I bought for my office? The one that is full of MY diet coke? Well, guess what I found in it? Diet Coke Explosion. Full Story, tonight at 10. Damn thing is TOO cold. I hate wasted Diet Coke. Damn you to hell fridge, for wasting Diet Coke.
• I am having to repeat myself a lot today. I don’t mind this if it is because you LOVE hearing me talk and you want to hear the words of wisdom escape my lips OVER and OVER and OVER again, in hopes that if listening to me repeat those words, you too might gain just a morsel of my wisdom. However, if it is because you ignored me the FIRST time because my lack of a PENIS makes you think I’m not worth listening too…well, THAT my friend, pisses me off
• I am having a fat day. Enough said.
• My request for data from 2 hours ago from a repository that NORMALLY responds in 15 minutes, has not been filled yet. But, when it IS ready, I’ll still be mad, because since I am using P3, 498 MHz processor, and CRAPPY network, it is going to take 2hr 30min to download, not to mention how long it will prob take to process before I can actually USE it. Damn Computer. Damn Data. Damn Network. Damn Internet (oh wait - not Damn Internet, I take that back, I’m sorry - the Internet isnt doing anything wrong)
• Arkansas. The entire state is pissing me off. Don’t ask, its work related, it will bore you.
• I am not at home cuddling with my TiVo
• My son INSISTED upon proving my husband right this weekend. My husband seems to think that grounding Little Zoot does NO good when I spend the entire time he’s grounded trying to do fun stuff with him so he does not hate me. Little Zoot proved that this weekend, while breaking every rule possible even WHILE grounded. So, obviously, my grounding technique does not work. (no wonder…) So I had to REALLY ground him, and be MEAN to him, and YELL, and not let him watch “Second Hand Lions” OR play with TiVo. So now, he hates me, and I cried all weekend b/c I’m a bad mom b/c my son hates me.

(Hormones Raging Much?)

• I tripped on the curb coming to the office this morning. My toe hurts now.
• Neither “Simpson’s” nor “Arrested Development” were on last night. Eff you FOX
• I tossed and turned all night last night thinking about how the designers from “Trading Spaces” could screw up my house. I don’t own a house. Nor am I going to be on “Trading Spaces”. I watch too much TLC.
• Its Raining AGAIN. Or STILL, I guess. I hate you, Rain. Hate you a LOT.

I will never look at the world the same way again.

1. THERE IS NO GUY NAMED “G.I.JOE”

This blew my freakin’ mind this weekend. MrZoot bought the first season of “G.I.Joe” on DVD. I sat down on the couch while he was watching it. In an attempt to TRY to share this interest with my husband, I started the following conversation:

Me: So - is that G.I.Joe?
Him: No. There is no ONE guy named G.I. Joe. It is an organization.
Me: Shut Up (I thought he was making fun of me). Thats not true, is it?
Him: Yes. Its a group of people, not one person.
Me: Liar. Who is that guy then, the doll, the guy in the package that says “GIJoe” on it.
Him: It depends, there are a lot of them you can buy. They are all called “Joes” blah blah blah special uniforms blah blah blah certain characteristics blah blah blah good guys blah blah blah red lazers.
Me: Wow. That is messed up. Wait - is that a chic? Is she a GIJoe too?
Him: Yep - thats blah blah blah blah. She blah blah blahs. No one dies on this show, ever. Blah Blah chics.
Me: Damn. This show was awfully progressive.
Him: I know blah blah blah, special dolls blah blah blah UPC code blah blah blah special guy who never talks blah blah blah Cobra Comander blah blah blah never see his face blah blah.

This was a TOTAL shock to me. MrZoot talked for quite sometime about the details surrounding his all time favorite cartoon, but I didnt really pay attention. I was too floored by the fact that GIJOE is not ONE guy, its a group. Where the hell have I been getting my information my whole life. Damn.

2. PEOPLE WHO SHOP AT MY TARGET ARE A BUNCH OF LAZY JERKWADS

Seriously. They are so freakin’ lazy. I go to this Target all the time, but usually at NOT crowded times. You know, 8am, or 9pm. However, I went grocery shopping during peak shopping time this weekend. Saturday afternoon to be exact. I KNOW at this time of day to expect long lines and women with buggies full of groceries (and Men, I am not trying to be sexist). Target is better at keeping plenty of cashiers than WalMart, but still, its Saturday afternoon, you can only be so prepared.

Anywho. As I waiting for the woman with 700 DOLLARS WORTH OF MERCHANDISE to ring up in front of me, I had time to observe the rest of the people checking out. I noticed 2 trends that made me want to kick some sense into complete strangers.
NUMBER 1: Some of these customers, mainly women, wont put their own groceries in their own buggy. Even if they are doing NOTHING else. Seriously. The cashier puts the groceries into bags and then puts the bags on the other end of the counterthingy. Most of us, (ME) then grab the bags and put them in the buggy. But NOOOO, not some people. Some people sit there and STARE at the cashier, maybe look around, fluff their hair, what-the-hell-ever, and THEN watch said cashier load the 400 bags into their buggy holding up the rest of the line behind them. WTF? I am lazy, but come ON.

NUMBER 2: Some people use a buggy to shop. THEN, when they check out, they only have a few items (I’ve done this, no biggy). Well, there is no need to push the buggy all the way out to your car when you only have 2 bags, right? So - what do you do? You push the buggy into the line of buggies by the door. Right?

Wrong.

DEAD Wrong.

No - you push the buggy and park it NEXT TO the line of buggies. NEXT TO. Okay. One person does this? No problem. But ALL OF THE DAMN LAZY ASSHATS do it. SO what does that do? Creates a freakin’ barricade in front of the freakin’ exit so that NORMAL customers, like myself, have to weave in and out of your damn buggies so that we can get out the damn door. Then, a WONDERFUL Target employee comes and pushes all the buggies 6 inches over and into the line. 15 minutes later? 5 more Freakin’ buggies blocking the shit-crap-damn-itALLtoHell door again.

Lazy Asshats. This sucks too - because I LOVE the part of town I live in, I love the people, the schools, the sidewalks, the stinky Bradford Pear Trees. But now? A little hate mixed in for good measure..

3. I TOTALLY NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE BRITISH LEGAL SYSTEM

So, MrZoot Tivo’d “Dial M for Murder”. It is a 1954 Alfred Hitchcock Mystery. I’ve never watch any Hitchcock movies, I dont think, so it was fascinating. Okay - but there was one thing that TOTALLY confused the crap out of me. If I werent such a lazy bitch (not the same as lazy asshat, because I put my buggy up) I would look it up, instead I write about it.

Okay - plot basics: Innocent British women is being wrongfully accused of murder. The “trial” is simply a man’s voice announcing the verdict as the heroine (if you can call her that) looks pained. No courtroom, not even anything hanging on the wall behind the woman on trial. You hear the man say that she is sentenced to death for this murder and then, the shot switches from her pained expression to this man (who I am assuming is the judge) and some disembodied hands placing a black napkin on his head.

WTF?

What does that mean? We dont do that here, do we? Hell, I thought GIJoe was one person, so maybe I’m clueless about our legal system too. But, I dont think we put black napkins on our heads. Is that because she got the death penalty? Or does it signify the end of any trial? Or was it just because his head was sweaty? I dont know. MrZoot seemed as shocked as I was, but he has been known to have missed out on some basics of life too, so that doesnt mean anything.

A Black napkin. ON his head. Seriously. What the hell?

So - I start this Monday, feeling like I am living in a new world. There is no GIJoe, people where I live are lazy jerkholes, and the British? Cover their judges heads with black napkins.