OR
The Rules until my Swimmer’s Ear Heals
(Or until the DRUGS kick in, but the rules are re-instated as each dose wears off)
1. No showing off in front of your friends with your piece of shit car.
Since when did all the white-trash, rednecks move into my apartment complex? Yo. Shit-For-Brains! Yeah YOU in the damn Green Camaro with all the rust. Peeling out in the parking lot does not impress your friends NEAR as much as me killing you with my bare hands will. Squeal your tires or rev your engine one more DAMN time and I’ll show you - Jerkwad Asshat.
2. Do NOT put LilZ’s cargo shorts with the nine-million snaps on them in the dryer
Does a nine-yr-old need 20 damn pockets? Hell no he doesnt. Then why put them on the shorts? Drape those damn things over the shower curtain - they can drip dry - QUIETLY.
3. Do not run the dishwasher
My dishwasher rattles every dish inside, and my dishes are NOT made out of cotton, so they rattle LOUDLY. And I never noticed it before - but it takes at least 9 freakin’ hours for my dishwasher to finish running. At least. Possibly 12 hours.
4. Do not let the telephone ring more than once
Answer it already - Christ! And no, I am not answering it because talking requires opening my jaw more than two centimeters, and that is NOT happening.
5. All cats will only kick ONCE to cover up their potty in the litter box
Come ON Bambi, you’re life does not depend on how covered up your piss is. As a matter of fact? Your life depends on whether or not you QUIT IT. Now.
6. There will be no more knocking. Period.
LilZoot - tell you friends to start using ESP if they need you because I do not want to hear another effin’ knock at the effin’ door. And if they call instead? They will learn the meaning of “disembowel”. Yeah - why don’t you just sit on the stoop until they all go to bed.
7. Only Tip Toe-ing is allowed when going up and down the stairs
My son must weigh at least 300 pounds for him to be making all that freakin’ noise going from upstairs to downstairs. Gently LilZoot. Please walk GENTLY. If you do not? You will be restricted to ONE level: Upstairs or Down.
8. No more eating of loud things
Crunching. Oh sweet Jesus make them quit eating potato chips. And popcorn. And crackers. And bread. Just make them quit eating. Only drinking allowed - and if any one person slurps? EVERYONE’s drinking priveledges will be revoked.
9. No Happiness allowed, dammit
Laughing. Oh the Laughing. MrZoot, I love you dearly but I think your life would be in less jeopardy if you would consider watching nothing but sad things for the next 4-8 days. Your laugh that I found so endearing for the last 4 years? Makes me kinda want to strangle you now.
10. No Typing
Unless its ME - writing a blog entry about how much life sucks with a severe case of swimmer’s ear that is actually STILL getting worse even AFTER I got antibiotics. You can actually SEE my swollen lymph node now, and the pain has spread through my entire ear. I have decided I WILL take the pain pills while at work. I dont drive a damn forklift for chrissakes, I sit behind a computer all day- what harm could it do for me to be a little more loopy than usual?
A lot less friggin’ harm than it would do if I have to listen to all the damn MOUSE-CLICKING in this damn office UNMEDICATED.
Awww. I hope you feel better soon. I’ve been lucky to never have that problem, but I’ve heard it’s awful.
You sound kind of saucy when you’re sick! May be Mr.Zoot likes that?
Aww poor thing, feel better soon! *sending silence your way*
I don’t think I ever realized that there are so many things in this world that make noise.
Hope it gets better soon…what a nightmare!!
i feel your pain. that’s me with a tmj headache. (very similar to migraines) although, i too must agree with mrz. you are damn funny girl! didja like the pregnant smiley girl i sent you? lol
I just thought I would point out how freaking hilarious you are (writing-wise) when you are angry….
/Printing out the rules for fear of breaking them later on
I am SO sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I spent most of my childhood summers with swimmer’s ear, and I got another bad case last summer. And there is a clock on the wall near my cube that CLICKS REALLY LOUDLY every SINGLE MINUTE OF THE DAY. Someone suggested ear plugs, but the thought of shoving something into my ear just made me cry.
Another day or two and you should be much better. Sorry you have to go through this in the meantime though.
Poor Zoot. Get better soon!
Can I play my bass drum as if I’m in a marching band? How about if I ring the doorbell insteadin of knocking? Can I bounce a basketball? How about if i sit here and just play my paddleball game and tap my feet?
Sorry about the ear. That bites very much.
Now, about the water… (I didn’t want to be comment #21 on that post, so I’m comment #3 on this one.) Rob is a diet-Pepsi-aholic as well as a confirmed coffee addict. So, like you, he pees out way more than he takes in. (Thankfully he doesn’t know I’m writing this.)
And, since he will never have a glass of water unless it’s right after he’s taken me out and tortured me (made me run), it’s right back to the diet Pepsi. SO. We have started drinking Sugar Free Kool Aid. It’s caffiene free, and, as such, you’re getting that almighty water you need but it doesn’t taste like water. (*I* love water, by the way. But he doesn’t.) (MrZ, I totally agree — what taste? Except Evian, which tastes like a shoe.)
It’s the caffiene that’s bigger problem than anything else, as far as diminishing your hydration levels. While the aspertaime/Splenda/sweetener in the Sugar Free Kool Aide isn’t ideal, at least you’re still getting your “water”.
Got me? Yes, good.
P.S. I also drink Club Soda because fizzy water? Is so good. (To steal a writing style from Amalah.)
I’d like to whisper my condolences on your pain. Is that all right?
I agree with MrZ. I’m sorry to be living off the pain of others but you are so funny Z. And that’s my new favorite phrase, “dumb as cotton dishes”. Be better soon.
being naturally noise sensitive for no apparent reason, i say hell yeah! the rules stand permanently!
just kidding
feel better soon girl 
You know you’re insane right?
Just checkin
I would like to bring you a glass of your favorite non-water beverage (with a straw, natch) in just a minute. But first I have to go outside for a sec, because I sure as hell don’t wanna violate #9 in your presence, but if I don’t let those giggles out I may develop a hernia.
damn Zoot– how you can be that funny and smart with that much pain I am amazed!
*whispering* Um…I’m really sorry about the swimmers ear. And I promise not to eat in front of you today loud foods or otherwise.
Hope you feel better…so that no more quiet yelling ensues!
**quietly** I take it I should have read this before I called to see how your were? I of all people should have known. You probably got the ear troubles from me….sorry sweetie. call me when you’re better….
Hi there,
I moment of thought - Don’t you have to be a swimmer to get swimmers ear? Emmmm
Hi there,
A moment of thought - Don’t you have to be a swimmer to get swimmers ear? Emmmm