Lunchtime Purchases

No pain meds yet today. I’m supposed to check in with the Dr. if the ear is not any better by tomorrow – so I thought I might should feel the FULL effects of the pain so I can tell for sure. Yeah – It still hurts like hell. I mean – HELL. So – I thought I’d try some homeopathic solutions. On my lunch break I bought:

“Similasan: Ear Wax Removal. Removes Wax, Cleans Ear”

I thought – It cant hurt. My ear feels so clogged so what the hell. Well – guess what else it says on the box.

“FOR USE IN THE EAR ONLY”

In all caps. What the Hell? Where else do YOU need ear wax removed from? I mean – I can see it now:
“Honey – it says we can only use this on our EARS. So we’ll have to get the EAR WAX out of our ASS some other way”
What the hell? Please tell me there is no other place that needs ear wax removal other than your ears. If there is? I dont want to know.

The other thing I purchased is this:

“Similasan: Earache Relief. Relieves pain, soothes and calms”

Calms. Says so on the box. I am thinking I might need several doses of the “Calms” and only one or two of the “Relieves Pain”. Oh – and this one doesnt specifiy that I HAVE to use it in my EAR only – so I am going to go drop a few drops in my eye balls and maybe rub some of on my ass just for kicks.

Stupid Labels. This shit better work.

Updates(Warning: UNMedicated)

Update on my screwed up design: So yes. One should NOT screw with designs unless she has ALL web browser packages on her computer to test them on. I know that now (after the comments to last nights reveal) But if there are any voluteers out there using something other than IE who want to tell me if it looks okay TODAY. I made some changes. If you use IE then you are seeing what I am seeing then its all copesetic (and I am not looking that word up). Oh – an for the record? As soon as I can, I’ll download the other browsers. Lesson Learned. The hard way.

Update on A.I.: Fantasia won – I didnt have to kick Random American Ass last night.

Update on my Ear: I am going to cut it off. I always loved Van Gogh. Seriously? It still hurts like hell. Like, when people ask me if the tatoo on my lower back hurt – I say “Worse than Childbirth- it just didnt take as long.” Now? I may follow it up with “…but no where NEAR as bad as Swimmer’s Ear which made me a freakin’ drug addict”.

Update on the Pain Medication: Still has not kicked in yet for this moring, which is why I should have WAITED to read all the “your design is all screwed up” comments until later. Yep – hindsight you know – 20/20.

Update on Haiku Thursday: Shit. Selfabsorbed Zoot totally spaced today is Thursday. Go see Mindy (MommyBlog) at her new site she’s unveiling to host the Smackdown today. If you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about? Make a pit stop by the Haiku Smackdown site and read the FAQs – THEN go to Mindy’s.

Update on My ExHusband: He’s being an ass and trying to keep me from seeing LiZoot the day he leaves for summer camp (Tuesday) because this is HIS weekend so he’s keeping him until Tuesday. But I outsmarted him – when I take LilZoot to meet his Mom on Friday? I’m just not sending his Camp trunk. So when they leave Tuesday? They’ll HAVE to see me to get it and I get to give my son A PROPERLY MUSHY AND SAPPY good bye hug before camp. All is right with the world.

Well – the world outside my new damn design anyway.

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Shut the Hell Up

OR
The Rules until my Swimmer’s Ear Heals

(Or until the DRUGS kick in, but the rules are re-instated as each dose wears off)

1. No showing off in front of your friends with your piece of shit car.
Since when did all the white-trash, rednecks move into my apartment complex? Yo. Shit-For-Brains! Yeah YOU in the damn Green Camaro with all the rust. Peeling out in the parking lot does not impress your friends NEAR as much as me killing you with my bare hands will. Squeal your tires or rev your engine one more DAMN time and I’ll show you – Jerkwad Asshat.

2. Do NOT put LilZ’s cargo shorts with the nine-million snaps on them in the dryer
Does a nine-yr-old need 20 damn pockets? Hell no he doesnt. Then why put them on the shorts? Drape those damn things over the shower curtain – they can drip dry – QUIETLY.

3. Do not run the dishwasher
My dishwasher rattles every dish inside, and my dishes are NOT made out of cotton, so they rattle LOUDLY. And I never noticed it before – but it takes at least 9 freakin’ hours for my dishwasher to finish running. At least. Possibly 12 hours.

4. Do not let the telephone ring more than once
Answer it already – Christ! And no, I am not answering it because talking requires opening my jaw more than two centimeters, and that is NOT happening.

5. All cats will only kick ONCE to cover up their potty in the litter box
Come ON Bambi, you’re life does not depend on how covered up your piss is. As a matter of fact? Your life depends on whether or not you QUIT IT. Now.

6. There will be no more knocking. Period.
LilZoot – tell you friends to start using ESP if they need you because I do not want to hear another effin’ knock at the effin’ door. And if they call instead? They will learn the meaning of “disembowel”. Yeah – why don’t you just sit on the stoop until they all go to bed.

7. Only Tip Toe-ing is allowed when going up and down the stairs
My son must weigh at least 300 pounds for him to be making all that freakin’ noise going from upstairs to downstairs. Gently LilZoot. Please walk GENTLY. If you do not? You will be restricted to ONE level: Upstairs or Down.

8. No more eating of loud things
Crunching. Oh sweet Jesus make them quit eating potato chips. And popcorn. And crackers. And bread. Just make them quit eating. Only drinking allowed – and if any one person slurps? EVERYONE’s drinking priveledges will be revoked.

9. No Happiness allowed, dammit
Laughing. Oh the Laughing. MrZoot, I love you dearly but I think your life would be in less jeopardy if you would consider watching nothing but sad things for the next 4-8 days. Your laugh that I found so endearing for the last 4 years? Makes me kinda want to strangle you now.

10. No Typing
Unless its ME – writing a blog entry about how much life sucks with a severe case of swimmer’s ear that is actually STILL getting worse even AFTER I got antibiotics. You can actually SEE my swollen lymph node now, and the pain has spread through my entire ear. I have decided I WILL take the pain pills while at work. I dont drive a damn forklift for chrissakes, I sit behind a computer all day- what harm could it do for me to be a little more loopy than usual?

A lot less friggin’ harm than it would do if I have to listen to all the damn MOUSE-CLICKING in this damn office UNMEDICATED.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is NASTY

American Idol just finished the hour long snooze-fest called the “Pre-Show”. I used that time to implement my new design or else I may have lost my freakin’ mind with all the bullshit-spacefiller.

  • I think Jennifer Love Hewitt looks worse and worse every time I see her. There is NO doubt she becomes more of an idiot every time.
  • Was Kelly Clarkson wearing a sequined bra under a blazer? Now THAT is what I call business casual.
  • Who the hell decided it would be a good idea to put Kimberly Caldwell back in the limelight
  • Jasmine still sucks ass. And not in an endearing way, if there is such a thing.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt looked AWFUL. Wait. I said that already didnt I? God – please dont let her sing
  • What the HELL is UP with Paula’s Boobs? (no pun intended)
  • Fantasia kinda made me want to bounce up and down when she was watching the footage from her home town. That bounce is almost hypnotic, you are just watching tv and then BAM! You’re bouncing.
  • Oh – here is my new design. Back to the regularly scheduled program. If Diana wins? I’ll be kicking random American Ass as I walk down the street.

Health Question

Is there ANY nutritional value whatsoever in a lunch made of a Caramel Frappuccino and Chocolate Chip Muffin from Starbucks? Not that I would EVER consume such a meal, but IF I did, are there ANY vitamins or minerals within those items? Or even fiber? Or calcium? There’s always calcium, right?

Well – I was just wondering, I’m going to go back to eating my Muffin Salad. And drinking my Caramel Frapaccino Spring Water. Okay?