My ear started hurting yesterday, mildly. Whenever I moved my head to quickly it really hurt, but other than that - life was okay. Today? I noticed it hurting a bit more. Then, this afternoon, the phone rang. I answered it - not too violently - and as I brought the receiver to my ear quickly (but NOT violently) - the impact caused the pain increased ten-fold. Weird. From that point on? The pain got worse and worse. It got to the point that I could NOT open my jaw all the way without severe pains.

I dont go to the doctor ever. Ever. Ever Ever Ever. I have a strange medi-phobia that encompasses antibiotics and other medications as well. I’ve only been on antibiotics twice that I can remember. Once? Last summer with a nasty bee sting. The second time? This February after my D&C. So when I called MrZoot and said “I’m going to the doc-in-a-box to get him to look at my ear and give me drugs” He knew it was bad.

The doctor came in (loudly) and looked at my ear. He said, and I quote:

“EWWWW. We’ve been swimming, havent we?”

Evidentally I have a super-serious case of Swimmer’s Ear. He said that we need to keep a careful eye on it because it has gotten bad and I REALLY should have come in to see him before it reached this point of severity. Whatever. He said (loudly) that he would give me pain pills and antibiotics. Which I went to get immediately at Target. Lorecet 5. I know so little about drugs I had to call my friend and she said (not too loudly) “ooooh….those ought to do the trick” But I had to eat before taking them.

So - I went to Dominos to pick up pizza (where they Yell - A LOT - so I killed them all) and came home. Immediately after MrZoot put my antibiotic drops in my ear, the phone rings (LOUDLY) - its Dominoes. We have the wrong goddamn pizzas. We can keep them, and come pick up our real order. MrZoot went and did that while I sat with my head sideways dreaming about the pain medications I would be taking soon. He came home. Twenty four dollars got us 5 pizzas and an order of cinnasticks.

I ate. Then I took my drugs. Then I came to delete than 90 million spam comments about penis enlargement that had hit my blog while I was gone. Now? I am telling you my story. Waiting patiently for the drugs to kick in. I do NOT think I’ll be watching American Idol tonight because they are loud, and right now? This house is all in “quiet mouse” mode.

Swimmer’s Ear makes baby Jesus cry. And loud people get killed, quietly.

My brother turns 26 today. He is, by far, on of the coolest guys on this planet. And he’s funny as shit too. So - in his honor - a bulleted list, because I love bullets.

• He’s lived in Chicago, Seattle, Nashville, Knoxville, and Kansas City all in the 8 years since graduating High School.
• He has a degree in Biology that he actually uses in his profession. He sells medical stuff to hospitals. He’s really good at his job.
• His hobbies are ice hiking (WTF?), mountain climbing, camping, he runs a gagillion miles a week, kayaking (he owns his own), and lately? He’s been doing triathalon’s, he probably figure skates when no one is looking.
• He’s funny as hell and he’s really bad about calling me at work and getting me laughing, all while I’m trying to sound like I’m having a professional phone call - failing miserably.
• We like to say “Yo G, Whazzup?” when we call each other - this makes people around me when I answer the phone stare at me oddly. It makes him really embarrassed when he answers the phone that way thinking its me, but realizing its his boss one “Homie” too late.
• He took about a 3 month break in his professional life to help care for Mom when she was sick. His job in Seattle um, didn’t like that, so he had to move across the country in the middle of it all. He was 24 at the time, and never complained once. Well, except when my cooking made him sick, he kinda bitched a little then.
• Finally - he is the best uncle in the world, making sure to teach LilZoot the finer points of “Giant Teddy Bear Wranglin’”

Happy Birthday XZhibit - Keep it Real.

Love - Your Sis.

Many moons ago, I casually mentioned storing a the body of a 13yr old boy in my fridge - do you remember? Well - the back-story to that is simple. LilZ and T (our 9yr old neighbor) were playing outside one day. LilZ and T’s sis RayRay ran inside all flustered and sweaty freaking out because some boy was beating he and T up. I checked out the situation (T was pissed off and looking for blood, so I knew something had gone down) and saw that this “boy” was at least 13 years old. He ran into the back door of an apartment a few doors down. I got MrZ as back up and headed over there.

I knocked and knocked and knocked. When the door was FINALLY opened, I said to the “boy” - I said, “Are you the boy rough-housing my son and T?” He said, “They were throwing sticks at me!” I took a deep breath and informed him that they are half his size (inside - I was seething that they neglected to tell me they started the fight) and if he had a problem, he could come to me but I would rather him NOT beat up my son. The whole time, there was the Mother of the girls who live in that apartment, hiding next to the door and trying to get them to shut the door on me (whatever, Bitch).

So - after the waters calmed, we got onto the boys for making us stick up for them when they didn’t give us all the information. We’ve found out since then that the boy was at least 14, possibly 15. He hasn’t been back around much at all (he’s scared I’ll kick his ass!). LilZ, T and RayRay have since befriended the girls who live in that apartment. There have not been any problems at all. I don’t have a problem with the girls at all. The two younger ones seem very nice.

Thursday? I found out that their Mother hates me. Turns out she badmouths me to her daughters, and they relay the info to the other kids. RayRay told me that she told them I’m a bad mom because I let me son cry when he gets hurt (NEVER happens) and I’m just a general bitch I guess. So I spent the whole weekend trying to kiss ass to my sons friends (the younger of the two girls - the older one evidently hates me too) so that they’ll like me. Isn’t that stupid? I don’t want the 13 and 14-year-old girls that my son hangs out with NOT to like me. I want them to go home and tell that white trash bitch their mom, who had to hide from me when I got onto a child who wasn’t even hers, that I’m nice and cool and stuff.

I’ve had several of the neighborhood mom’s politely inform me if my son has done something wrong. I take no offense to this - that is what community is about. We all love each other’s children like our own. This woman hates me because I yelled at the punk hanging out with her daughters. Whatever. Any who - I made sure LilZ didn’t mind that his friends’ mom didn’t like me and he put it perfectly when he said

“I don’t really like you much either, Mom, you are kinda dorky” *giggle giggle giggle*

Smart-ass. He’s so grounded.

I hate water. I think it tastes bad. And don’t give me “Water doesnt HAVE a taste!” (MrZoot - I’m looking at you.) Because it does. It is the taste of nastiness. And I do not like it. At All.

And don’t give me “How can you not like water?” (LilZoot - that ones for YOU). The same way you can not like Diet Vanilla Coke because I think that makes you the most messed up person on the planet. Diet Vanilla Coke is the beverage of the gods yet I don’t mock you if you don’t like it - so leave me alone about not liking water.

The thing is? I am supposed to drink water. We all are. Eight damn glasses a day. I can honestly say I dont think there has ever been a day go by where I drank my full 64 ounces. EVER.

And for every ounce of coke or coffee I drink? I’m supposed to drink an EXTRA ounce of water. This is recommended for everyone. EVERYONE. But have I mentioned I hate water?

There are times when I crave it. About once a month - I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in a frenzy of thirst and I’ll go fall downstairs and grab a bottle of water and chug the entire thing. I am guessing those are the times when I am knocking on dehydration’s door due to the lack of water and sustaining on Diet Vanilla Coke and Coffee.

I also drink water when I work out. But not much. Just enough to keep me alive. But you know what? That doesnt count towards my eight glasses a day ANYWAY. So who cares about that. Supposedly, I am supposed to weigh myself before and after a work out and drink the weight I lose in water. Whatever.

So - that’s my issue regarding this new health kick to prepare for the possibility of pregnancy (having miscarriages makes you want to be the perfect model of perfect health for a perfect pregnancy) - I need to be drinking more water. Anyone have any secrets that can help me? Like “Oh Zoot! Didnt you read the latest JAMA? It turns out Diet Vanilla Coke IS good for you. You can drink as much as you want and you NEVER have to drink water again. Oh- and the same goes for coffee and BEER. Oh - and Cosmopolitans. Yeah - all of them - ten times better than water. And the article said that if you drink them all the time? You are guaranteed a Bill Gates level of successful child.”

I’m waiting…

The same new apartment owners who gave us Poopy Bins also planned a pool party for yesterday to instill a sense of “community” within the complex. They’ve been advertising that damn Luau in all the newsletters. May 22nd, 4pm-8pm, Hawaiian Food, Music and Door Prizes including a chance to win FREE RENT! So of course, free food and the possibility of free rent? We are definitely there.

We got there at 4pm we didn’t want to miss the chance for FREE RENT! even though we were fairly certain it wouldn’t happen until the end. I went with my neighbor and her three kids. The complex raffled off about a Billion door prizes. There were 79cent Tiki Cups with candy (price tags still on) and promotional items from all local businesses. It was all pretty cheap but hey they had to conserve the funds if one of the prizes was FREE RENT! So we sat, in the sun, by the pool, in front of the DJ booth, for FOUR DAMN HOURS. And all we had so far was a free dinner (with generic sodas boo!) and a ten-dollar gift certificate to Kroger. My neighbors each won a tiki cup with candy. Finally at 8pm, after we had all won at least ONE cheesy ass prize they decide its time to draw for the FREE RENT! They had TWO to give away so that increased our chances! Well one of our OTHER neighbors won one of them. We were so excited at least someone we knew won it. Both the sets of winners screamed when their number was called for good reason. And these people are so sweet, with two little kids, husband working third shift. We were really excited. Then they opened the envelope.

Fifty Dollars worth of FREE RENT!

That’s it. The envelope even said FREE RENT! on the front, but you open it up and it was just credit for 50 dollars of your next months rent. FIFTY DOLLARS! At that point? I poured my generic diet coke all over the bitch calling out the prizes. The buzz around the complex all week was winning free rent - - so we weren’t the only ones under the impression that that mean the whole damn MONTH would be free. Not just what works out to be about 2 days. Bastards. I gave up a ticket to go to another VIPERS game for the chance to win FREE RENT! I hate them. I cannot wait to start shopping for homes. One more year, One more year, One more year.