I used to HATE Autumn.
In October of 1999, my friend Stace confronted me about something dreadul I had done to her and her family years before. She had just “found out” and called me out on it. It was one of the most devastating nights of my life, but one I would never erase.
I lost a lot of friends that night, as I should have. I lost Stace and her daughters, Lauren and Leah, as well as Junkie and Ariel. I spent the next several weeks bracing for public confrontations which occurred quite often. Especially from my ex-husband and his gang. It was just an ugly time for me. I remember walking around campus, looking over my shoulder, bracing for another encounter from someone who wanted to call me out. Looking at people stare and whisper.
I did a lot of growing during that time, but I also remember the hurt of being alone. I would sit outside between classes, feeling the gorgeous fall breeze, and wonder if I would ever survive the loneliness. Wondering how I managed to be such an idiot. Trying to imagine my life without the friends I had come to depend on for years.
Well, the years went on. I stopped looking over my shoulder, and I started building a new life, with new friends, as a new me.
Yet every Autumn, when the leaves would begin to change, and the breeze would become chilly, those feelings of despair and loneliness would overtake me. I really started hating the season that was once my favorite.
Fast forward to April of 2003. Junkie and I had “rekindled” our friendship the year before. Stace and I were still NOT friends, and I never dreamed we ever would be. MrZ had just proposed to me and it was time to set a date for the wedding. I decided I needed to find new feelings to replace the sad ones surrounding Autumn, so I set the date for our wedding as October 25th.
Fast forward to June of 2003, I’m knee deep in wedding plans and I get an email from Stace. I was in another world, one I had never dreamed I’d get to be part of again. She was offering forgiveness for a mistake I had never forgiven myself for. She missed me. And I dont even think I realized how much I missed her until that day.
Fast forward to October 25th, 2003. I was standing outside the banquet room MrZ and I were getting married in. I was watching my wedding party walk down the aisle to James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend”. Leah was a flowergirl, and Lauren was a junior bridesmaid alongside of Junkie’s daughter, Ariel. Junkie was a bridesmaid and Stace was going to read a poem I wrote during the ceremony. We were all friends again. We were all family again.
At that moment, I felt it was all okay. I think it was only then that I forgave myself and it was only then that it all seemed right. Junkie, Stace, and myself - together for the first time in almost four years. It was then, that I began loving Autumn again.
Happy Autumnal Equinox, Stace and Junkie. Thank you for your forgiveness and your friendship. And most importantly? Thank you for giving me back my Autumn. I love you both.
Its funny how smells and sounds can be such strong memory cues. I can’t imagine what could be so awful that every friend you had would turn on you, but I’m glad time has helped to heal the wound.
Happy autumn, Zoot.
i wish i could apply this to my own life…but here is a quote from vincent van gogh…
“every shift brings about some benefit.”
good for you girl…healing is a wonderful wonderful thing.
Something similar happened to me many years back. My stomach still feels weird when I think about “the phone call” when I lost all my friends. Like you, though, I would never take it back and I went on to make better and deeper friendships.
I recently made my peace with one of my old friends, although I doubt we’ll ever be friends again. I’m happy that you went beyond making peace and forged new friendships on an old foundation.
I tend to avoid confrontation and then bear a grudge forever, so you and your friends have definitely done a more healthy thing, albeit an incredibly difficult one.
I am so glad that you have come so far and been able to forgive yourself as others have forgiven you and vica versa. Friendships are special - true friendships are rare. I am glad you have found a way to reconnect.
seriously, i can’t keep getting all teary-eyed at the office! (but i’m really happy for you…and well said)
Aw, that’s beautiful. I’m happy you got your friends back, and can enjoy fall again.
that was so sweet Zoot….I’m glad you finally forgave yourself… sometimes that is the hardest part.
(and Oh yea! People who get married on Oct 25th Rock!)
I’m glad it all worked out because a lonely Zoot makes me cry!
I have to agree w/ Stace…as much as I hate that we missed out on so much together…it made me appreciate what we have together now that much more. The friendship we share now is truer and deeper than anything I could have ever hoped for …so I wouldn’t want it any other way.
You and your friendship are such precious things in my life that I cherish more and more as every day passes…especially this part of the year for me, too…b/c I missed talking football w/ you.
Being a part of your life and sharing w/ you the joy that you’ve found w/ MrZ has made me just as happy as if it were to happen to me. Well, almost. 
I love you always and forever…and to steal from Stace again…no, THANK YOU!
Oh that was so touching. It reminded me of my friend, I missed her wedding because we were at odds.I can’t believe I missed that important day in her life. But I’m so happy that you and yours got to spend it all together! Happy Fall to you!
i really loved your honest story! i also loved that stace & junkie commented on how they also were so happy to just have the friendship back.
we’ve all done bad thing, made awful mistakes that we can’t take back. i don’t know if i’d ever want to take mine back though because no matter how bad a time was, it has gotten me to where i am now. i’ve grown a lot and learned many valuable lessons. i have also recently made up with a friend that i had a falling out with, a lot of which can be blamed on my immaturity and stubborness. and i think of how much i missed with her, but i’m so thankful to have her back in my life now.
i’m so glad you have them back, because friends & family really do make the ride(life) worthwile! Happy Autumn to you Zoot!!!
You have some great friends! You’re a very lucky girl
The best friend I’ve ever had isn’t talking to me anymore. I don’t think it’s something I did, she’s just not there. I have children and a husband, she doesn’t…I think she feels too wierd or something. All I know is how much it hurts to not have my best friend anymore, and even worse, I didn’t DO anything to deserve it.
That’s a beautiful tribute to friendship. I’m glad they’re back in your life and you have Autumn again.
Now I want to cry, but in a good way.
Can we knock this off please? I am sitting here at work bawling my eyes out.
Glad that everything and everyone came together for you Zoot, friends are something to treasure and cherish. Can someone get me a tissue please????????
Awwwww!
*goosebumps*
Thank you for sharing that story, Zoot.
Sooooo not fair to do to me when I am already an emotional wreck!
I hate that all of us missed sooo much time that should have been spent together, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I have a new appreciation for friendship and forgiveness! I embrace our past heartache because it has only made EVERYTHING that much sweeter!
No. THANK YOU! I love you!
And they say spring is the time of renewal I don’t agree… Autumn has always been a time when I have good feelings, and special times… What a wonderful story of Friendship…
That is sweet. Forgiving yourself can be sooo hard. I’m glad that your story includes that, too.
*Sniff* Simply beautiful. Here’s to friends and forgiveness, Zoot. Happy Autumn!
What a great post. I’m so glad you patched things up with your friends and got your autumn back. I love a happy ending.
omg you so made me cry *sniff* i’m so happy for ya zoot!
i’m in the same boat as randi. bah.
Wow.
Isn’t Autumn truly beautiful! *sniff