It’s THAT time of year again.

Edited to add: Brenda sent me a link to an AWESOME article explaing some of the “secrets”. Here it is if you want to read it too!

Well, it’s summertime, which means nothing but reruns and crap on TV. This is why we, here in the Zoot household, enjoy the summer tradition of Big Brother on CBS. And today? They announced the houseguests. The show starts NEXT Thursday, July 7th. There are 14 houseguests this year (instead of 12) and the house is TWO STORIES. Woo! We all know that means TWO times the excitement!

Or something like that.

Supposedly, this season is also the “summer of suprises”. We had the season of the “Exes” two years ago – where half the houseguests had previously dated the other half. We had the “Twins” season last year, where two identical twins switched places the entire first half of the season. So who the hell KNOWS what this year’s “suprises” could be.

Maybe well find out, halfway through the season, that some of the houseguests practice Scientology! Or they are fans of Russell Crowe! Or maybe, we’ll simply know that SOMEONE in the house is an alien, and each week that goes by with the alien being undiscovered, the evicted houseguests are fattened and primed for the creature’s victory feast.

THAT would be good television.

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My Dishwasher is Possessed

We came home yesterday and the dishwasher (OR, as I like to call it, SATAN) was filled with water. I wrestled with it for a little while until MrZ took over. He FINALLY decided right before bed, that the overflow drain was clogged, so we cleaned it out and the water drained fine with the next cycle.

But this morning? I opened up the dishwasher (read: SATAN) to make sure it was empty. I closed it again and as I turned around to walk past it, the damn demon-possessed appliance door SWUNG OPEN and hit me in the shin! That bitch ATTACKED me. Can you believe that? So I kicked it, (which felt GREAT, by the way) and yelled at it and cursed it. Then the damn thing wouldn’t shut. It just stood there open, TAUNTING ME.

I finally got it closed before we left the house, but not before the stupid whore dribbled water all over my shoes. I’m telling you – it’s out to get me. You just wait. The headlines tomorrow will read “Pregnant Woman Found Squooshed to Death…The Only Evidence Found Was A Silverware Basket”.

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The internet scares me, sometimes.

It’s almost the end of the month, so it’s time to cruise June’s search strings for blogging material. And if you’re wondering what the COMPLETE list of June search strings looks like? And the scary SCARY ones I don’t tell you about? I converted the whole list to a text file for your enjoyment. Please right-click and choose “Save As” if you’re curious (but don’t say I didn’t warn you). The number that follows the search phrase is the amount of times it was used to get to my site, in a solid number and a percentage. Have at it: Download file

But – if you just want the non-pr0nographic highlights? Keep reading. And remember, I screw with the typing and spelling to try to keep some of these people from coming back.

bat poop mascara
I get a BUNCH of searches about bat poop in mascara. What is up with that? Is that an urban legend I never heard of? Or is it true? I’m going to go google it.

People who could actually be me, if I searched for weird things on the internet.
hair too short for pigtails
flat ass
haircut from hell
i hate russel crowe
i ate waaay too much

mega vag!na
I do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to know what this person was looking for. I mean, is this a new superhero that aids in child birth? Or maybe one you call when your husband’s needs are going unmet?

w magazine photos of angelina jolie and brad pitt
Dude. Are those not the HOTTEST pictures EVER?

legolas pregnant
Janet? Is there something you’re not telling us? I mean…being Fond of Elves is one thing…

lost sucks
No. YOU suck.

People who should NOT be using the internet as their doctor
blood leaking from my ear
stinky poots
picked my face now i have scabby open sore
can t open my mouth wide
diarrhea metallic smell
dont feel sick but throat is hurting n it hurts to swallow

peed in my pants
Are you looking for a praise? Or advice? Or just plain ole’ acknowledgement?

underwear smartass
There’s your advice, AND your acknowledgement.

waxing butt
Do whatever you want to YOUR butt, but stay the hell away from mine.

gross cat litter pictures
I don’t know what’s weirder. The person SEARCHING for the pictures, or the person who TOOK the pictures.

similasan ear wax relief does it work?
Yes! It worked better than the prescription drugs when I was dying from an ear infection.

i don t suck my thumb anymore
Way to go! Next stop…big boy potty!

zany ways to say hi
Oooohhh…ZANY ways, heh? Well, let’s see here…

pregnancy sarcasm
I don’t think it’s a documented symptom, necessarily. But – it’s definitely a good coping mechanism.

shut the fuck up eeyore
Dude. SOMEbody woke up on the wrong side of Rabbit’s garden, didn’t they? Why don’t you take your happy pills, go back to sleep, and leave Christopher Robbin’s friends ALONE, okay?

i m trying to be happy for you
Is it REALLY that hard of a thing to do? Or have I wronged you in some way?

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SHAMU!!!!

While I was updating my design blog last night, I decided to redesign it a little bit. Go look…she’s so pretty. Doncha’ think?

Speaking of things that are pretty…

I now have an aversion to showering. No lie. I was taking a shower this weekend and slipped coming out of the tub (I’m naturally a klutz, pregnancy makes it a deadly condition) and almost busted my ass (and face, and belly) all over the bathroom floor. Luckily, I grabbed the shower curtain (and it actually held!) which is probably what saved my life. Or at least my pride.

But now? I’m terrified to take a shower. I need to get some of those no-slip fishies or bubbles or whatever those things are that you put in the tub to keep small children (and klutzy pregnant women) from busting ass. Because really, can you imagine a more humiliating time to fall? When you’re NAKED? And WET? AND PREGNANT? That would NOT be a pretty site for anyone in my house to stumble upon. I need to get the non-slip thingies if for no other reason but to protect the men I love from a future of nightmares involving beached wales on dirty linoleum.

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Someone failed this week’s spelling test.

Blech. I just had to start my morning off cleaning up dog poop. And you know? It’s never just a pick-up-and-go job. Nope. The only time the dogs poop inside is if their tummy is upset. And upset tummy poop is NEVER an easy clean up job. It usually requires 150 paper towels and more carpet treatment (because they NEVER get sick on linoleum, that would also be too easy) spray than I have. No matter how much I have. I always need more. Blech.

If you’re trying to eat? Sorry.

20050626-beutiful.jpg

I took this picture up at Monte Sano state park this weekend. Don’t you wish you were Felecia (It’s probably actually Felicia)? Of course, no one is as BUETIFUL as Felecia, but we can dream, can’t we?

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