Boy oh Boy. Who knew? One little mention of blog-gossip and everyone’s in a frenzy for the scoop! So, here it is.

Pam PRETENDS like she’s moving elsewhere in Canada, when in reality? She’s desperate for the heat and humidity of the southeast United States during the summer and is moving to Mississippi to open a restaurant that serves nothing but grits.

Janet doesn’t really like Led Zeppelin all that much. She just thinks they’re “okay”. And she thinks Lord of the Rings is the suckiest set of movies ever made. She only fakes liking them so she can justify getting cool tatoos.

Amalah is really pregnant with my baby. Don’t tell Jason.

Grace loves Dr. Laura.

Feisty Girl is a Yankees fan. And she thinks clam chowder should be made with chicken. And don’t get me started about what she says about “cat people” behind closed doors.

Kim thinks only sissys crochet. And she HATES reality tv. AND she’s a TN Vol fan.

Mike thinks Star Wars and all things associated with Star Wars sucks. He’s also a TN Vol fan. And I hear he’s a republican.

Jon in Michigan actually lives in Idaho. And he just PRETENDS to make his own truffles. He really buys them at the local Godiva stand and sends them to friends in little gladware containers so it looks like they’re homemade. AND he hasn’t run since the president’s physical fitness test in elementary school. And for the record? Pam doesn’t really run either. They’re both fakers and I could totally outrun them both if I wanted. Which I don’t.

Sheryl has already bought her house and is just PRETENDING like she’s having problems. She just wants the attention. And she totally has a crush on her broker.

Ben thinks that Angelina Jolie has a horse’s face. She asked him out one time and he turned her down. He’s kinda picky. He also thinks Calvin is dumb.

This lady’s daughter is a certifiable loon who spends WAY too much time talking about donuts.

Uncle Bob got dooced.

Uncle Bob was one of the first blogs I ever discovered. And, although I don’t read him EVERY day (his humor is a bit vulgar for my taste), I have read him regularly for about 4 years now. And to read what happened to him is another of MANY reminders why I keep this as my number one blogging rule, and YOU should too:

Always assume EVERYONE reads your blog.

I assume my coworkers read, so I don’t talk specifics about my job. I assume my family reads, so I don’t talk about my sex life (your welcome, Mom and Dad) or private family issues (namely, my brother’s ghastly body odor). I assume my husband reads my site, so I don’t talk about my boyfriend(s).

There are many times in my life when I’ve wanted to talk about all of these things (especially this ONE boyfriend I had…) but I have chosen not too. I just don’t want to be put in a position where I have to either A) Apologize for hurting someone’s feelings (who the hell enjoys apologizing for ANYTHING?) or B) Shut down the site. This is tough because, where vent-blogging helps me release angst about the lack of toilet paper in my bathroom at work, I have to find other ways to bitch about my husband and his lack of body hair (Kidding! He didn’t really shave his body, remember?).

Uncle Bob also mentions a list of people who DO know him in his real life, and DO read his blog, but DON’T tell him they read it. Let’s discuss that too, shall we? Isn’t this fun?

There are a lot of people I know in the real world who read my blog. (Hi Betsy! Stacey! Mom! Dad! In-laws! MrZoot! I was kidding about the boyfriend(s), I promise!). I don’t like to assume anyone WANTS to read this feeble attempt at humor, so I don’t beg anyone too. But, when someone in my real life enjoys my site? And lets me know? It makes me VERY happy, and possibly reserves them a permanent spot in my will.

BUT - I do know there are people who know me in the real life, and who read my site, BUT have NEVER EVER EVER let me know. I don’t understand why those people don’t come forward. Based on my web stats and referral logs, I know who some of them are, and maybe they’re just looking for damaging material to hold against me at a later date. I guess there are some people in my real life (brace yourself) who don’t like me! It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? IDIOTS!

(Oh my god. I’m just kidding. I don’t think you’re an idiot if you don’t like me. If I’ve hurt you in the past? Feel free to hate me, although I don’t hate you. If you just aren’t as fond of Krispy Kremes as I am? I DO hate you.)

(Oh my god. KIDDING AGAIN. You people are worse than the ones who think there’s a special hell reserved for people who use strollers.)

(Which there IS a special hell reserved for people who don’t breast feed.)

(Kidding! Again! See? I’m FUNNY!)

(Where was I?)

(Oh yeah. I remember…)

Tell me if you read my site! Please! We might become friends again, wouldn’t that be fun? Or maybe I’ll irritate you so much you’ll be glad we aren’t friends anymroe! That could be fun too! Or maybe we’re already friends and I could tell you all the blog gossip (there IS blog gossip, you know) FIRST HAND. And I could brainwash you into starting your OWN blog (you know you want to).

I mean, It’s just odd. That’s all. When people hide the fact that they read your site. They read all of the intimate details of your miscarriages, your parental strife, and your struggle with anxiety, and they never say ONE WORD. And then? When you say something incriminating, they immediately tell your boss, or your best friend, or your husband. Those people are kinda lame. And I’m NOT kidding about that.

In case you missed the weekend update, MrZ does NOT shave his body. I repeat, MrZoot does NOT shave his body. He only shaved his head, which I do not have a picture of yet. Sorry.

Other things I don’t have pictures of?

My belly. It is getting so big that I’m starting to scare myself. And cry when I look in the mirror. I have already gained the MINIMUM of what I’m supposed to the ENTIRE pregnancy. And I have 17 weeks left. I really need to quit eating donuts and bean dip for breakfast.

My hair. This “in-between” stage is killing me. Unfortunately - the next stage I’m hoping to reach is about 12 inches away, which means this “in-between” stage should last about 2 years, I believe.

My cute sandals. But I NEED to show my new cute Teva sandals I bought. They’re SO comfy and all black so I can pretend like they’re dress shoes! But they’re not! They’re just glorified flip-flops!

LilZ in any of his AWESOMELY ROCKIN’ outfits we bought this weekend. I took LilZ shopping for some summer clothes and let me tell you - the boy has GOOD TASTE. We went to the mall and he bought some of the cutest (can I say cute about a 10 year old boy? Maybe “studly”? Or “manly”? Or something?) outfits EVER. And, he pieced them together perfectly. They kid has MAD style that he totally did NOT get from either me OR his father. Maybe there’s a style gene floating around somewhere that no one on either side has demonstrated in for generations.

Even though I have no pictures of the above? I do have some rockin pictures of my dogs I could post. Have you seen enough of those lately?

So my last entry? Was written without reading it from the perspective of someone who does not KNOW my husband. He would like me to clarify a few things. Heh.

The Abs Diet? Is not just to get nice abs, MrZ HAS nice abs. It’s just a GREAT diet for someone who weight trains, but has decided they don’t want to be as bulky. He hurts when he runs, he gets winded with one set of stairs, although he’s FIT, he has NO cardio ability whatsoever. This is a diet to help him lose some of the muscle that he has gained so that when he runs? His joints dont scream in agony.

And the most IMPORTANT clarification? He shaved his HEAD. Not his BODY. This was our conversation this morning:

Me: Some of the people who read my site thought I meant you shaved your whole BODY. Not just your head.

Him: Oh no. No. No. No…

Me: Not that there is anything wrong with people who do that…

Him: I THINK THERE IS…I’m totally NOT that kind of weight trainer guy.

Me: Yeah. If you were, you’d probably have those scary striped spandex/tank-top onesie thingies and I’d have to divorce you.

Him: Yep. Not him.

So you see? MrZ shaved his HEAD. Like, a buzz cut, which I’ll try post a picture of later. I may show you his hairy arms too, just to prove he didnt shave them. Then, he might be able to sleep better at night.

MrZoot has been on his new abs diet for ONE WEEK and he’s already lost five pounds. Of course, he’s trying to lose MUSCLE since he only has about a pound of body fat to lose (bastard). He just decided he bulked up PAST the point he wanted to, so he found a diet to help him drop down to a more ideal size. He’s STILL getting at least 2000 calories a day, though, so it’s not like he’s starving. Of course, that’s 1500 or so less than he was eating before, he was a growing boy, you know.

BUT FIVE POUNDS IN ONE WEEK? On TWO THOUSAND CALORIES? Makes me sick. When I was dieting for my wedding, I was PROUD to lose 1-2 pounds a week and I was restricted to about 1300 calories. He’d waste AWAY on that diet.

Oh yeah. Since he’s telling me to mention this - he also shaved all of his hair off this morning. He wants me to shave his neck for him, which I’m sure I’ll screw up, somehow. Expect pictures (of my screwups) later.