Please be warned this entry is about possibly unpleasant bodily functions.
Okay. I’m nine weeks away from passing a child through my vagina. This is VERY tough for me because I am not at ALL at peace with my bodily functions. For example? MrZ calls me the “stealth pooper” because I am in and out so quickly that he never knows I’ve been taking care of business. I avoid pooting and burping when at all possible. I don’t even like anyone to see me NAKED. I am not at peace with any part of my body or any process it goes through.
But, this whole “labor” thing? Is very much a messy bodily function involving some, if not all, of my girly parts. And I’m not quite ready for MrZ to be witness to all of that.
Yes, MrZ has been witness to my Paps (whee!) and several vaginal ultrasounds (WHEE!). Yes, we’ve been together for five years, at times he’s even seen me naked (I know!). Of course it all seems very ridiculous but I am just so nervous about it. What if I POOP? EEK. I am totally not ready for this.
MrZ is so casual about that stuff. He talks about poops, poots, and burbs like they’re chores in his day. He is very open about his sphigmoidoscopy and talks to everyone about it without even a HINT of embarassment. He is just aware that these are the facts of life and they are NOTHING to be ashamed of. I totally wish I could be more like him.
(Well, I don’t want to be all BRAGGING about my bodily functions like most boys do, but you know, just acknowledging them is a start.)
He was even calm while I had to remove a tick from his private parts. That took a LOT of bravery on his part. And trust in me (and in my steady hand with tweezers).
But I dont want him to see me poop! Or wet the bed. Or cry. Or scream. Or bleed from girly parts. Or POOP!
Zoot that is my No. 1 fear about labor. I will be MORTIFIED if I poop on the table. The thought of five people staring at my crotch, well all right, that i am getting used to. But pooping? NOOOOOOOO.
In fact I am so obsessed with this that I have started telling all my friends. We were at dinner one night with another couple and I had to share this fact with them. I have become officially freaked the shit out.
In the stone ages when I gave birth, they gave you an enema as soon as you went into the hospital in labor. Therefore no poop!
I did not wet the bed (that I know of), I did not cry, or scream (cause I knew if I did, my hubby would need a pace maker!),
I puked. Both times. Hmmmph
TMI ahead… don’t read if you get queezy easily. With my first baby I was well “cleaned out” because we were a week late and dh was just SURE that if I tried castor oil (or whatever oil it is that is always recommended to bring on labor) it would start labor. Something came out alright…but it wasn’t the baby - until the next day when they induced me (dh said only a teeny tiny nugget came out - not bad for 3 hours of intense pushing)… With my 2nd we had gone to our favorite mexican restaurant the night before (duh…what was I thinking) being induced and needless to say it was not a pretty sight on the delivery table….ooops!
Ask your doctor. The one who delivered my first two had standing orders for enemas. Not at all fun while you are laboring away, btw, but no poop. The doc who delivered the twins didn’t, and I had the same fear. Alas, no poop for me! Yeah! I heard once that the body knows labor is imminent and starts flushing. Besides, it’s not like they haven’t seen that before, and I have a feeling MrZ will be so in awe he wouldn’t even notice.
Oh Miss Zoot…i so know where u are coming from. I have been married for almost 4 years..and I still lock the bathroom door when I am in there!! Poot in front of my husband?? No way! He thinks Im some kind of non-gassy she-woman! Ive never thought about pooping during delivery..since Ive never made it past 8 weeks of pregnancy. Oh well, now I just have something else to be paranoid about! LOL
I can’t believe you didn’t post a picture of THAT! *shivers* gross ticks nasty!
I’m with you girl! I’m the same way!
Darling Zoot,
At the point in which you may or may not poop, you will be trying to push this child from your body. Truthfully, you may not even realize that you are pooping because that baby’s head will be there putting all sorts of pressure in all kinds of places and it just might not run across your mind.
If you DO happen to poop, the nurses are all trained to take care of it and many (all that I have experienced) nurses are very compassionate about taking care of it without making a scene. I promise that a nurse is not going to stand up and yell “OH MY GOD, ZOOT, YOU JUST POOPED!”
Mr. Zoot probably won’t even notice that it happened either.
I’m not going to tell you not to be upset about it but I will tell you it probably isn’t a big deal to anyone but the person doing the pooping.
(((((HUGS))))) for you because you seem to need them extra today.
I had this same exact fear when I had my daughter. I begged my husband to stay at my head and not look down there because it was just too mortifying. Of course he did. And he made a ton of jokes. And I got a whole lot of “HOLY SHIT, who knew it could do THAT?!”
Luckily, I didn’t poop. But I was SO SCARED that I was going to, my Dr. yelled at me for “holding back” while I was pushing quite a few times. And I was all, but if I push harder, I might poop and then MY LIFE WILL BE OVER!!!!!!!
I’m much more relaxed about this delivery. But, I’m still scared to death of the crappage.
Oh yeah - you might want to tell MrZ to turn his head at the part when the afterbirth comes out. My husband was all “stop making such a big deal about it” until he saw that, and almost threw up. hahaha. Don’t put the poor man through that.
I was just like you when my daughter was born. I didn’t want to share all of those bodily functions and such with anyone. But, dare I say, 48 hours into labor, I didn’t give a flying poop who saw my hoochie…I just wanted the damn kid out! I think it may be safe to say that you will feel the same way when the time comes. If not, well…there are always drugs.
I had the very same concerns as you. Everyone kept telling me I’d never even know I was pooping because of all the other things that would be coming out of me. In the end, it was a non-issue because I had a c-section.
All Hail the Poop Free Birth!
I am SO with you on all that. ALMOST makes me wish for a c-section. Don’t flame me - I DID say ALMOST.
before i went into labor, i made my husband(-ish) promise that he wouldn’t look “down there”. during labor, the nurses kept trying to get him to look “down there” and, even though i was so exhausted i could have passed out, i was awake enough to give him dirty looks that said don’t you dare. we share everything (and by everything, i do mean everything), but that was too much. i knew there was no way we would ever be able to look at each other the same.
the first moment i saw my son in real, live form was beautiful. the process that we had to go through to get there was not. it’s actually quite dirty and alien.
in other words, i completely understand where you’re coming from. i was also afraid of relieving myself while in pushing. i don’t think i did, but again, i was so tired that who knows. although i’m sure my husband(-ish) would have told me if i had.
I think everyone realizes that the labour you is not the real you. You get immunity for EVERYTHING you do during labour. Take advantage of it.
don’t wanna gloss over your issue here zoot, but mr z had a tick where!?!? i’m feeling woozy.
Dearest Miss Zoot, my darlin,
Being the mother of a 12 year old does qualify me as one who did give birth, just not yesterday. Every woman has her fears of the labor experience, as they should. But remember this one thing, every person in the room during the delivery with the exception of you and your husband and anyone else you might wish to have in on the blessed, yet somewhat messy event, does this for a living. In other words, they have seen it all. And I do mean all. I have a close family friend who is an OB-GYN and you know I have quizzed him for hours about stories of deliveries. One of the funniest was about the woman who ate a 10 pound bag of green apples about 2 hours before she delivered! Can you say ‘really big mess’!!! The labor nurses and every paid employee of the ‘heirport’ of the hospital were involved in that cleanup.
So, you see you really don’t need to worry. That precious little angel you will be delivering will be the only memory you will have permantly embedded in your mind, for many years. Hang in there!
you will get over it, I’m sure of it!
I don’t have kids and call me (happily?) naive but until last year I had no IDEA that you the possibility of pooping while you had a baby even existed! Everyone tells me that you don’t care and some say they do not even notice and it all gets taken care of quickly. So I take it MrZ wants to be “down there” watching it all happen instead of behind the curtain with you? Eeekkk. I am so excited for you AND to read all your (what I am sure will be) HYSTERICAL accounts of all of it. Hell you will probably be blogging from the delivery room!
Zootie, doll, I am the most wrong-o person to give you guidance and support on this because I am waaaay too open about my bodily functions and manifestations. My all time low was to make Molly’s Dad look at the hemorrhoids secondary to my pregnancy. “LOOK at THESE! WTF are THESE?”
Still, the labor/delivery poop thing is bad news because that poo comes out BLACK. Little black doo-doos. You might remember that from when LilZ was born. Just let MrZ know as this may totally take him over to the other side. The squeamish side.
Just to remind you, the whole World Wide Web is rooting for you, Beautiful Z Girl.
I’m a really fast pooper too. My husband asks me “what, do you wait till it’s already coming out before you head in there?”
In all of our years of marriage (21 next week) my husband and I have never gone to the bathroom in front of each other. I was a little worried about the pooping thing when I had Jackson (nearly two years ago) but, believe me, in the heat of the moment they could have wheeled me butt naked and pooping through the lobby and I would not have noticed. There were a lot of people down there looking while I was pushing Jackson out, my husband included, but if I pooped no one told me (and I didn’t ask).
I had the same fears and forbid my husband to look down there (he snuck a few peeks, anyway). I also adopted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I didn’t ask if I pooped and nobody told me, so I at least have the possibility in my mind that I didn’t. I supposed it could’ve happened the first time since I pushed for 40 minutes, though I hadn’t eaten a full meal in over 24 hours so there probably wasn’t much hanging around the ol’ intestinal tract. The second kid practically walked out on his own, with two pushes, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t have time to work up a dump. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.
I have to agree with doulazanie, though. Those nurses have seen everything. Poop is pretty much part of the job description. They won’t be sitting around the dinner table, later that night, telling their families about the Lady Who Pooped, nor will they announce to the room that you have done so, and invite people to see for themselves. And allow me to recommend the don’t ask, don’t tell policy. Threatening to visit bodily harm on one’s loved ones if they mention poop to you can do wonders for one’s state of mind about the whole issue.
Teehee.
I dont have any children yet BUT this has been a fear of mine. I asked a friend and she said
“KRISTA? The last thing you care about is poopin’ yo’self when you are trying to push a baby out. ”
So, i dont know. It made me feel better but a little more afraid.
When it came time for me to push, I was just glad to get the kiddo out. Poop be damned. Wait! What happened when you gave birth to LilZ????
First of all, this post should lead to some lovely searches.
Second, let me just say this. In my 7 LONG years of marriage, I have discovered 2 simple facts. One, nobody really cares if you make the bed the right way, or the quick way…and two? Boys don’t get embarrassed by much, and we all just need to get the hell over it.
First of all, this post should lead to some lovely searches.
Second, let me just say this. In my 7 LONG years of marriage, I have discovered 2 simple facts. One, nobody really cares if you make the bed the right way, or the quick way…and two? Boys don’t get embarrassed by much, and we all just need to get the hell over it.
Led here by an “interesting search”. I can’t imagine-I’m mortified by the very thought. I hope you didn’t poop- I guess its two years later now. Isn’t that weird? I can hear your thoughts from two years ago like you just said them. At least I can skip ahead and see if you pooped!
The thought is mortifying all right
Girls, NEVER LET your husbands watch, that is my motto. And get an enema.
I would never survive the humilation myself. I dont know about you but the idea of my husband legs up in stirrup and pooping would be a turn off for the rest of my life 
You may not care that you poop at the moment because you are in pain but the witnesses are not, remember that and will see it all
I call farts “poot”, too!! And was it a typo, or do you actually call burps, burbs?