BEFORE.

Santa came last night (giggle) and we are all enjoying our post present buzz. LilZ went on his scavenger hunt (orchestrated by MrZ who leaves the BEST clues) and found a North Face backpack at the end. He also got a digital camera (for his 5th grade trip in the spring) and Family Guy seasons 1 and 2. He also got a bunch of clothes and school supplies and Fantastic Four toys. Sant a was VERY good to him.

What did Santa bring ME you may ask? A cold. I feel like ass. Like donkey ass. Like COLD donkey ass that is SNOTTY and CONGESTED and that has a HEADACHE.

My metaphor got lost somewhere in there, didn’t it?

Well. Now it’s time to prepare Christmas dinner. The tables are set and the turkey is thawed. I got the casserole and stuffing ready last night so today should be pretty easy. And I’m keeping Purel on hand so I can try to avoid getting my entire family sick.

Now…off to Target to buy a pie to replace the baking disaster from last night.

AFTER.

Want a piece of cake?

Instead of pies for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner, LilZ and I decided we’d bake some cakes! This one was SUPPOSED to be a red velvet cake. I took the two pieces out of the oven, let them cool, and then decided it was time to ice them. The first layer went okay, the icing went on without incident. Then, when I put the second layer on top and started icing the sides? The cake started SINKING.

SINKING.

It was like it was shrinking before my eyes. And then as it shrunk, the top layer started sliding OFF of the bottom layer. I was trying to hold the two pieces together with more icing but the cakes just got SHORTER and SHORTER and more and more CROOKED.

And the more I tried to fix it? The messier it got.

THIS is why I do NOT bake.

And as I’m yelling to MrZ in the bedroom (while laughing my KRAZEE laughter) “It’s a MUTINY. The cake is actually FIGHTING me.” Do you know what he says? He says:

“You could have just asked my sister to bake a cake.”

Yes, but would hers have looked as artistic as mine? No. It probably would have been perfect and BORING. Mine? Is like a sculpture. Beautiful in it’s hideousness.

Right? RIGHT?

Heh.

I decided not to open up the other can of icing. Why waste it, there is no way I’m serving this cake tomorrow. We’ll have a piece of it tonight to see if it’s poisonous. If it’s not? I’ll cut people pieces to try tomorrow, but there is NO WAY I’m actually serving it as a dessert.

Luckilly, my Orange Dreamsicle Cake looks beautiful. I’m batting 500, not so bad if you think about it.

Santa is coming tonight! Santa is coming tonight!

(at least to our house, he is.)

Today is Christmas Eve – Zootstyle. This means I have a SHITLOAD of stuff to accomplish. I have to get the last bit of ingredients for Christmas dinner, I have to wrap ninety million gifts, and most importantly? I have to CLEAN THIS DAMN HOUSE.

bah.

MrZ is taking off work tomorrow so that LilZ can wake us up bright and early to open presents. On the REAL Christmas day, MrZ and I woke up first and he had to be the one who woke up his younger brother and sister. He woke his brother up by rubbing baby wipes in his face (his first question, “Those haven’t been used, have they?”), and he woke his sister up by sticking his fingers in her ears.

THAT’s what big brothers are for.

SEE? She has resorted to chewing on her own hands. No – she is not looking for a thumb to suck. Trust me, I would LOVE to see that (MrZ is cringing as he reads this mumbling, “do NOT let her be a thumb-sucker, do NOT let her be a thumb-sucker…”) but really what she is doing is chewing on her own hands. Moments before I took this picture she actually was trying to stick her entire hand in her mouth to chew on.

And yes, she is also falling OUT of her seat. And instead of fixing her? I spent ten minutes taking her picture watching her slide further and further out. I’m a good mom.

Oh, and on an unrelated note? This outfit is compliments of amalah who chose it because it has this on the back and she has heard me bitch one too many times about how there is no way in hell I’m going to let my daughter wear pants with writing on the ass. And that’s what friends do, buy your children things you would never buy them.

MrZ cut his first tooth when he was three months old. We are now beginning to suspect NikkiZ will take after her father. She has been drooling nonstop the last few weeks as well as chewing on anything you put in her mouth.

(yes…that includes my boobs)

We took her to the doctor yesterday and even though she said “they usually don’t start teething until four months” she also said “WOW! She’s actually CHEWING on this tongue depressor.” So, we’re on the lookout for protrusions from her gums and we’re keeping chewable items within reach because she has started chewing on things with such force that she actually makes us WINCE. This makes our fingers no longer options of things-to-cram-in-her-mouth-while-she’s-screaming.

But it sure does make for funny photos.