I’m an artist…

I mentioned before that I’m still a bit nervous around a lot of MrZ’s family. There are just so MANY of them…and they are all so much fancier than me! Well, Christmas eve night they were all going to mass leaving MrZ and I (the heathens of the bunch) at his aunts house. I asked his aunt if there was anything I could do for her while they were gone.

BIG MISTAKE.

She asked that I put together the meat and cheese trays close to when they’d be getting back so that dinner would be ready when they got home from church.

WHAT? I had no idea how to put together a meat and cheese tray. She went and washed lettuce and told me to just “lay it out under the meat and cheese however you think is the prettiest.” WHAT? I don’t know how it would look the prettiest because I don’t know how to do it! PANIC!

So, off they went to be good catholics while I stood in the kitchen looking at the empty trays and piles of meat and cheese and having NO idea where to begin. My stomach was hurting and I was getting a headache all over those damn meat and cheese trays! I felt like my reputation was on the line. What if they came back and everyone thought they were ugly? Would they excommunicate me from the family? Would they refuse to eat it until I made it better? Would they THROW it at me? In fits of meat hating rage?

(What? Me? Overreact? NEVER.)

But seriously. I was stressing hardcore over it. I kept calling MrZ over and interrupting his quality time with his grandmother to say things like “Should I do these in wedges or stripes?” or “I have to put two cheeses next to each other…is that a sin?” or “The roast beef rolls are smaller than the ham…WHAT DO I DO?!”

Do you see what fun it is to be married to me?

I finally got them all prepared and I had several people tell me they looked PROFESSIONAL. Which, of course, made me so proud I am now showing them here. For all the world to see.

The sexiest damn meat trays EVER.

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And now? The tampon story.

So, a little background.

I just met most of MrZ’s family last year in Slidell. This Christmas gathering was still the first time for meeting some of them. He has a HUGE family. In other words? I’m still very nervous around most of them.

Now, I have been expecting my period to start soon because it is about the time it started after I had LilZ. I decided to carry some tampons with me to Christmas dinner so that I wouldn’t have any embarrassing moments where I started my period surrounded by MrZ’s family.

I decided to go to the bathroom and take care of business. The bathroom was right off of the kitchen where everyone was gathered. And by “everyone” I mean about 20 of the 40 or so people were crammed in the kitchen. About five people were crammed in the hallway outside the bathroom. Everyone was just chatting and helping getting the food ready.

I made my way through the crowd to get to the bathroom. I was in the bathroom when I opened my purse to get out a tampon. I was trying my best to do it quietly because I didn’t want the aunts and uncles outside the bathroom hearing me dig around my purse.

(I know. I know. I’m a grown woman, I shouldn’t still be embarrassed about my period, but I am. Shut it.)

And what happened next? I dropped my purse and a tampon fell out and SLID UNDER THE DOOR OUT INTO THE HALL WHERE THE CROWD OF PEOPLE WERE SECONDS AGO.

I said, “SHIT.”

And then I just started running water and washing my hands trying to decide my next plan of action. Part of me was hoping someone would just kick it back under. Did anyone notice it? Was it sitting by their feet at that moment? What would I do when I opened the door? Bend down and pick it up? Is there a way to do that without the person two inches from you noticing? And if they notice…is there an appropriate joke to make to ease the embarrassment of the situation? Would I ever be able to look at them again? EEK.

I opened the door and the hallway was cleared and no one was in the kitchen.

(now you hear my sigh of relief)

They had all started gathering in the other room for pictures by the tree. As far as I know…my tampon incident occurred with only MY knowledge. Who knows…maybe the tampon made them all scatter…but I’m fairly certain I escaped humiliation for that moment. I walked out into the hall, saw my tampon, picked it up and shoved it in my pocket acting as though nothing had happened.

I’m smooth like butter.

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What about tampons rolling around on the floor is NOT embarassing?

Back to the real world.

The days after Christmas can be depressing because you have to do such non-christmassy things that suck. Like go back to work, and clean up, and take down decorations, and shower. Of course, we have the bonus that Christmas occurs again for us on Friday. On the years LilZ is with his Dad on Christmas, MrZ and I figure out the best day following Christmas for us to celebrate it at our house. We just pick a day and then pretend like it’s December 25th. Santa comes that night, we get up early and do gifts, and we have everyone over for dinner that night. So for us? Friday is Christmas.

But until then? I have got GOBS of shit to do. NikkiZ has a checkup this morning. We also have to go grocery shopping (there is an echo in my fridge it is so empty) and we have to get the dogs from the kennel. All of this while still trying to catch up on washing all of the dirty clothes from our travel, changing the kitty litter, and maybe, if my family is lucky, I’ll work up the energy to shower today.

But I doubt it.

Holy shit. This entry is incredibly boring. I promise I have a good stories to come. I’ll give you one teaser. I ALMOST had a TERRIFYINGLY EMBARASSING moment involving me and a tampon rolling around on the floor.

Arent you curious about that? Good. My work here is done.

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A few photos while I detox

We’re back. Christmas was good. If I couldn’t be with LilZ, surrounding myself with 40 of MrZ’s family members is the way to go. I have many stories to tell, but right now? I’m coming down from quite a high level of over stimulation. I promise to regale you with tales of my beautiful meat trays (no, that’s not a euphemism), stinky poots, crying babies, and rocking gifts. For now? Just a few photos humiliating my daughter for all of eternity.

NikkiZ in her natural habitat. Camouflaged among the stockings so as to evade capture by kissing parents

NikkiZ plotting exactly when the best time will be to poop all over her mother in order to maximize the payback for making her wear this humiliating getup

My Christmas angel.

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I’m really going to miss you.

Well, it’s 6am and I’ve been up since 4:30 getting us ready for our trip today. And by “ready” I mean hire a team of engineers to figure out how in the HELL we’re going to fit all of our stuff in the car. Between baby accessories (pack-n-play, carrier, seat etc), christmas presents for MrZ’s family, and four humans, our sedan is going to need to be transformed into a freakin’ cargo jet for it all to fit. We’ll be back Monday and I doubt we’ll be anywhere with wireless internet access between now and then. (Damn Heathens).

I am not a Christian or even a religious person at all (speaking of heathens…heh) – but I have no problem saying “Merry Christmas” to you all because Christmas is not just a religious holiday – it is a day to be with family. And really? Why wouldn’t I want to wish that to all of you. I am going to wake up without my son Christmas morning, but I have a beautiful daughter to distract me from that fact, and for that? I am truly blessed.

To all of my family I can’t be with on Christmas? (Especially you, LilZ) I love you all and wish we could be together. To all of you friends out there? I love you too and know that I am thinking of you while I’m gone.

Now – my gift to you all. A Flickr album housing almost EVERY picture EVER taken of my beautiful daughter. While you’re perusing it, keep in mind she’s only been alive for EIGHT WEEKS and wonder how in the hell we’ll keep up this pace for the next 18 years.

Click picture to see album

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Love to you all. And I really mean that. My life would not be the same without this blog or my cyber-friends. Happy Holidays to all of you.

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