PREFACE: I hate to make generalizations about males and females, so I will discuss the following scenario in regards to MrZ and I (instead of all women and all men). In doing this - I am acknowledging that some men and women may NOT behave the way that we do - but I am betting most of them (you) do.
Okie Dokie. Here’s the thing. There are a LOT of times I bitch about stuff (I know!). A. LOT. OF. TIMES. Some days? I’m in perma-bitch mode. Those days are fun, trust me. When I do this in front of MrZ - I intend for him to back me up. I want him to commiserate with me over the injustice that has befallen me. BITCH WITH ME - is the shortcut. The purpose of my using him as an outlet.
EXAMPLE:
“That cashier sure acted snotty when I requested she bag the kitty litter - the skank! Pardon me for not wanting the kitty litter to spill in my trunk. Bitch.”
WHAT HE SHOULD SAY:
“That bitch! You’d think she WANTED you to tear the bag before you got home! Good thing you’re skinnier than her.”
Unfortunately - this is not the way it goes. For some reason MrZ sees me bitching or complaining as a request for an EXPLANATION of something. Like, when I bitch - I really am asking “Why?” in which case, he needs to tell me the answer. He sees poor little me not understanding the world and why things happen the way they do and I need him to spell it out for me.
WHAT MRS SAYS INSTEAD:
“Well, I bet they get instructed to use as few bags as possible so that they don’t waste any company money. Blah Blah policy Blah Blah whatever.”
WTF?
Here’s the trick. Nine times out of ten, if I want to know “Why?” I’ll ask “Why?” I’ll say, “Hey ever-so-brilliant husband of mine, why do you think she acted like a royal bitch when I asked for a new bag?” If I don’t specifically ask, “Why?” then I probably don’t give two flying shits. Or floating shits. Or walking shits. I don’t give ANY shits.
More often than not, I am just bitching to keep from beating someone senseless. Either I bitch about it - or I punch someone. It’s that easy. Maybe I would break something instead, but either way - it’s either bitch, or destroy. Something irks me and angers me and I don’t know what else to do that gripe about it. Logic is not applied in these situations, if anything is applied? It’s probably irritation. Or annoyance. And many times: RAGE. Do not bring logic into where rage is in charge. It’s only hurts the children.
As a general rule, if you feel yourself about to explain a situation I’m bitching about? STOP. If you don’t know how else to respond? The default setting should be, “THAT BITCH!” That response works well for the majority of what I will bitch about. Or maybe “Filthy Whore!” if you’re feeling really sympathetic. Has a blog commenter pissed me off? “WHAT A BITCH!” Did the local TV station pre-empt Ellen for a stupid tornado warning? You can pluralize it to, “THOSE WHORES!” You can even toss in some extra adjectives if you’re feeling brave “THOSE DAMN STINKY BITCHES!” Be creative.
Another pointer? Always point out how I’m better than the people I’m bitching about. “That Whore! You’re so much smarter than her.” or “Those Bitches. They’re just jealous they’re not as funny as you are.”
Do you see how easy it is?
But do NOT justify the actions of the people that I feel have wronged me. Chances are that later, when I simmer down, I won’t really be mad anymore, as long as I get the bitching out early. Bitch with me - and then watch the irritation fade magically away. Whereas if you try to justify the actions or explain their behavior? My irritation towards the jackass who just cut me off will probably morph into irritation towards YOU. And do you know what that means? No sex. So - for a simple translation: Call whoever I’m bitching about a Filthy Snotty Whore? And you’ll get laid. EASY AS PIE.
It’s not logical, I know. But what about me has EVER been logical? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Don’t have an answer for that one, do you? HUGS!
BWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I COMPLETLY understand. I bitch about stuff and my husband tries to explain it away, usually pissing me off because his explanation makes me sound irrational. Will they EVER LEARN?
Believe me, I am feeling you on this one, as a Bitchetta Irrationalle Von Bitchenstein that is married to a Robotron 5000 (Now With More Useless, Unwanted Logical Explanations For Everything!). Funnily enough, like 99% of these situations also involve my perception that I have been slighted by some variety of customer service girl. Then Robotron ‘explains’ it to me, and then I accuse him of ’sticking up for her,’ and then nobody ‘gets any’ until the grudge dissipates several days later.
Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? If not, you should. Ye olde stand-by, but it’s so good. It deals with exactly what you’re talking about–different communication styles.
It might explain your frustration and it’ll definitely give you something to throw at Mr.Z’s head next time…
Yes, most women are like this (or at least I am). Please bitch WITH me. And then remind me how pretty I am.
I love it.
It’s ok, Zoot…you can speak for all of us on that one, I’m sure….LOL!! In fact, I’m sending my husband the link to read to show that I’m not the only one who feels that way!
That noise you just heard? Was a light bulb going off in my primitive brain.
Thank you, thank you.
(and yes, she was a royal BITCH, wasn’t she?)
You know, the cashiers are instructed use as few bags as possible….and certainly aren’t out to make you dump cat litter in your trunk….just you, know, I’m working my way through college by working at a grocery store and that kinda makes me feel like crap, if people are calling me a filthy whore for doing my job… But anyway, that’s funny.
This reminds me of Gloria from “White Men Can’t Jump”…
“If I’m thirsty, I don’t want you to bring me a glass of water. I want you to say, ‘Gloria, I too know what it means to be thirsty.’ “
I am SO tempted to send this to my DH, too, so that he would GET IT, finally. But I think he would not understand that it was really about us and not you…. Sigh.
This. Is. Why. We. Blog.
I agree with you 100%. I hate it when they try to be all logical (what is that anyway?) and come up with reasons why something happened or why something is the way it is. I don’t care! Vent with me! Tell me that I am Lord and Master and that I am great! Eh, okay, so maybe I’m alone on that last part.
Hey, I think we’re the same person. Or maybe I’m married to your husband.
Two nights ago (on our anniversary no less!) I saw how good I had become at dealing with this particular annoyance. Had a major run in with psycho bitch co-worker, went home and got good, rational, honest advice from DH - but first spent an hour on the phone with my sister and female friend, getting our righteous indignation up. Awesome!
I think all (or most) men do this. Somewhere we heard that men put on their “fix-it hat” and so they want to explain things to you and “fix” things. My hubby used to do this ALL. THE. TIME. Until I explained to him that if I realy wanted him to fix it I would tell him so. Mostly I just want him to commiserate (like a female friend would do). And now, if he starts doing the other thing, I tell him to take off his fix-it hat and he totally gets it without me having to get frustrated and angry with him. We have a lot of those little cues. Like when he hurts my feelings and I tell him it’s a BOULDER and not a pebble. We heard that one somewhere, too. Whatever the case, those little silly sayings help us. Does that make us weird? lol!
JUST had a huge fight with my hubby over this VERY thing last night - phht - they DON’t get it. Probably never will. But you know what? I can’t take the injustice of them not getting it any-more. Can I just ask WHYYYY is it not possible to learn this VERY simple thing?? And if they only GOT that it is directly linked to the amount of sex they enjoy so much and complain so much about not getting, then, THEN they would learn. But noooo, noooo, they don’t seem to change. Can you tell I’m fired up?
That’s it, I’m sending this post to him, and he can see that it’s normal for women to bitch about whatever and I’m NOT depressed or certifiable just because I do. Hmmmph.
AMEN Sister!!! My husband is GUILTY of the same thing! I’m sending him a link to your post…..maybe it will teach him something
Works between friends too…a guy friend hadn’t called me in quite a while, and I was hurt, and feeling like he didn’t care about me, and he says, well, you know I do and we’ve been friends for a long time, yada yada, “Honey, I know that logically. But am a girl. Thinking with my emotions right now.” Then he gave me a hug. They can be taught.
And there, nicely, you have summed up why I need the internet.
That is freakin’ hilarious. Can I suspect that “HE” won’t be gettin’ any tonight?
How many times have I told my man the same damn thing? Just agree with me that the whore at the store was not only wrong but FAT! It will be over quicker…boys!
There is a book called GIRLFRIENDS that talks about this very subject. I quote it to friends all the time. When hearing a complaint, girls will commiserate (and want commiseration). Boys think its a challenge. And if they can’t solve the problem, then its your own damn fault for having this situation arise in the first place and THEY get angry with you!
OMG, that is sooooo me! I’m glad to know I’m not the only mildly psycho one out there.
I usually just kick someone, I dont reccomend it because you can get put in jail ( uhhhh not that I know anything about that )
Oh man, I so am there with you. Last night I got pissed because they gave me BBQ sauce instead of Buffalo sauce at McD’s and Matt is all… so what, it doesn’t matter. I think his complete disregard to me bitching made me want to bitch even more! All he had to say was, “yeah that stupid whore, how dare she!” and I would have been cool. HAHA
HAH… It sounds so familiar. My husband does that too, trying to explain to me when I bitch. No, stop. If I want you to explain to me the store policy, I will ask for it. Right now I just need you to say Yes. You are so right. Now repeat after me, Yes Honey, you are right.
You’re preaching to the choir, sistah! The Hubster doesn’t understand why I tell my sister or my closest girlfriend everything but not him. I guess I’m going to have to send him a link to this so maybe it will sink in–even though I’ve told him over and over and OVER that I don’t need his advice. I just want him to listen and sympathize.
This post made me so happy.
ha, did megan write this post?
Ugh. Men. They want to EXPLAIN things. They want to SOLVE problems. Whatevah. I’m just trying to bitch here. The next time my husband tells me to to quit my job or fire somebody, I’ma smack him in his face. I’M JUST COMPLAINING. The correct response is, “That sucks, honey.”
Hee, I’m usually the one that tries to explain away the rage. I get a terse, “Yes, I get it, that was really more of a rhetorical statement”.
This is why I love this blog.
Amen.