Going to feed Nikki at daycare several times during the day has made me quite familiar to the babies in her class. I’ve learned during the time she’s been there, that babies from about 8 months on love me. Any earlier than 8 months and I’m terrifying. I think it’s the hair. It scares me too. But once they’re old enough to enjoy being talked to? Babies tend to like me. I’ve decided it’s the accent.

When I talk to the kids in Nikki’s class? My southern accent becomes incredibly pronounced. Kinda like when I check out at Wal-Mart. It’s not something I really have control over, it just happens. The kids seem to really respond to the exaggerated syllables and token drawl associated with the southern accent. Several of them can be crying but if I start talking to them, “What’s wrong baby-doll?” (Pronounced: “Wut’s wrawwwwwng baaabeeee dawlllll?”) they will tend to calm down and even flock to me. I also give them all goofy nicknames which I use repeatedly.

It’s really humiliating, when I think too much about it. The speech patterns I use when talking to kids in Nikki’s class would not win me any oration awards, that’s for damn sure. I have a feeling that most hearing me speak to the kids might even doubt my level of education as I tend to throw grammar to the wind and adopt such fake phrases as “fussy britches” and “tickle tootsies.”

Let’s just hope I don’t slip into that daycare persona when I’m trying to pitch an idea to the boss. I’m thinking he wouldn’t appreciate the value of a zerbert monster attack in the boardroom.

Remember how I used to complain that NikkiZ didn’t like baby food? She still doesn’t. She has gotten to the point where she’ll eat her cereal pretty consistently (4 out of 5 times you try to feed it to her). Her vegetables, if she’s hungry, are more like 3 out of 5. And fruit? Well, if you get her to eat it once out of every five times you try? You’re my new hero. She hates all things fruity. Except for ice cream, of course, she’s not that big of a freak. When she does eat any of it? It’s in VERY small quantities. If her belly wasn’t continuing to grow past her waistline, I’d be worried she was starving since I’m nursing her less than I was a month ago. I’m thinking she’s sneaking Twinkies when I’m not looking.

Cagey pointed out that she looks at eating as more of a skill a child needs to be learned, so when her son wouldn’t eat baby foods, they just fed him grown-up food which he eats fine. So, we’ve been enthusiastically introducing her to all sorts of “real” foods to encourage her eating. Anything mushy or brothy, she really enjoys. In teeny tiny quantities, of course. But if you give her anything bigger than grain of rice that is not mushy? She chokes on it because the girl doesn’t seem to want/care to chew anything.

Except ME of course. She chomps the hell out of my boobs when she falls asleep nursing, but that’s another entry for another bloody-boob day.

She doesn’t seem to instinctively know to bite or chew things. She has eight teeth, so it’s not like she’s not equipped for chewing. She just doesn’t do it. I tried to feed her some mushed up spaghetti last night, VERY mushed up. It might have only needed a little gumming, but she just swallowed it like water and ended up with my finger in the back of her throat, clearing her airway as she turned blue.

FUN!

Now, I know I’m more paranoid than most because I’ve had to perform the Heimlich on LilZ twice in his life. Choking scares the SHIT out of me. So, I’m hesitant to give her anything that really requires chewing until I notice her chewing anything. Like, those biter biscuits? There is no way in HELL I’m going to give her one of those until I see her using her teeth more.

So - how do I encourage her to use her chompers for things other than my boobs? Could teething make her unwilling to chew? Because she’s been working on three new teeth for about a month now (those suckers are SLOW). Am I being paranoid? I know sometimes she chokes and just gags up the offensive food, should I quit freaking out when she does that? I mean, I FREAK OUT when she does that. If she shows any sign of struggle I’m ready to stick my finger down her throat in about 2 seconds. Should I, maybe, chill the hell out a little bit?

Before it started hitting 90 degrees by 9am here, LilZ, Nikki and I would take walks through the neighborhood early Saturday morning. One time, we were a few houses down and saw a yard sale. They had that table in the picture above marked for one dollar. ONE DOLLAR. I thought my heart was going to stop. My body went on Good Deal Alert Red meaning I had to buy that table NOW! But, we had no money on us. I just quickly mumbled to LilZ that we were going to run home and grab four quarters out of the change jar to come buy it.

On our way back there was one couple eyeballing it and another family with a baby getting out of their car. We sped up so we could claim our property. Just as we got there, one woman said, “I’m going to get this table.” You would have think she had said, “I’m going to steal the soul of that woman who just walked up.” I felt so defeated and sad over the loss of that damn table. I turned to LilZ and said, “Oh well.” Then…THEN!…the homeowner was all, “This woman was going to buy it…” and she started looking around. I was all, “Here I am!” She had heard me tell LilZ we were going to come back and get it! She was saving it for us. We gave her our four quarters and LilZ carried it home. I was so DAMN PROUD.

NikkiZ played on it for the first time this weekend and she loved it. I took so many cute picture of her playing on it that I was able to make a set for them all. My favorite, of course, was the token falling shot.

WARNING: MrZ and I are both really gross, and also maybe have the same sense of humor as a 12-year-old boy.

We were driving somewhere the other night, discussing this kid that came to our door trying to get us to subscribe to something. He dropped by earlier and talked to MrZ.

MrZ: Puberty was not being kind to him.
Me: Really?
MrZ: Really. He had the bad acne, the frizzy hair, and the grody puberty mustache. You know the one…it’s kinda dirty looking…the first mustache a kid gets when he starts to grow facial hair…the pub-stache…
Me: (saying the word “pub-stache” again in my head) Ew…gross.
MrZ: (saying the word “pub-stache” again in his head) Wait. I meant “pub” as in “puberty”…
Me: (giggle) “Pub-stache” sounds like something WAAAY worse than Puberty Mustache…
MrZ: (laughing) Oh god. The more I hear it in my head the worse of a mental image I get…
Me: Me too! (laughing) Is it a really really gross euphemism for oral sex?
MrZ: Or is it a hazing ritual for a bunch of frat boys? You know…one guy falls asleep so another guy gives him a pub-stache…
Me: STOP. No. Please. Don’t say anymore. I might have just puked a little.
MrZ: So gross.
Me: Totally.
MrZ: Pubstache.
Me: Pubstache.
MrZ: So many definitions and/or connotations…so little vomit to gag on.
Me: Poor kid. We should have subscribed.
MrZ: Definitely.

We watched Cheetah Girls 2 Friday night and oh my GAWD it SUCKED. (MrZ: What were you expecting?) Now, there are two things you must remember before I continue. I liked both Cheetah Girls (the original) and High School Musical, so it’s not like I am against Disney Channel Original Movies, but CG2? Was not up to par. (MrZ: Par is, in fact, sub-par by normal standards.)

First? Raven seemed like she really did NOT want to be in that movie. I normally like her, and I think she’s really funny on That’s So Raven, but on CG2? Her heart just wasn’t in it. And the wardrobe people did not do right by her with their selections. She spent part of the movie in some weird robe thing and another part in a damn peacock costume, neither of which did anything to help her full figure. It’s like they didn’t know how to dress someone who wasn’t small. Sad, really.

I also thought the story was lame and the songs weren’t as good as in the first movie. Eh. Whatever. LilZ wasn’t even that impressed, and neither were the two friends who came over to watch it with us. So pretty much? Three tweens and one mom all agreed: The first one was WAAAY better.

And while I’m humiliating myself by actually writing a critique about a Disney Channel Original Movie (seriously, I have no life) I want to beg the tweens on the Internet to please QUIT ASKING ME FOR Z@c Efr0n’s email address. Somehow, this entry and this one have become some sort of Google mecca for kids looking for you-know-who’s email address. Even though I never mention having it - the comments on both of those entries (which you must check out if you wonder how the tween mind works these days) became riddled with requests for it. I also get at least two emails a week from kids begging for it. “I won’t give it to anyone, I promise!” or “It would be my dream come true to talk to him, please!” and I’m all WHAT THE HELL? Seriously. Please make it stop. I have started having nightmares about being chased down a dark alley by a group of rabid tween girls, all screaming at me to hand the email over. I think I need to be medicated.