Holy Crap. HOLY CRAP. You are not going to believe how far I ran today. I ran 10 freakin’ miles. I spent at least half of a mile debating whether or not running 10 miles was enough to warrant the use of the real f-word instead of “freakin’” - but I decided it wasn’t.

10 freakin’ miles.

The couple times I’ve uttered the phrase, “I ran 10 miles,” since this morning, I have actually felt a surge of tears coming on. I think the pride I feel for myself is so strong that just vocalizing such an accomplishment, one I would have never dreamed possible, makes me want to cry. I mean, TEN FREAKIN MILES.

It took me 2 hours and 5 minutes, but I would like to blame those extra 5 minutes on having to run in place at various intersections. I started doing my long runs on Sundays because there are fewer cars out, but by 9am (I left at 7am) the church traffic was getting pretty heavy - so I spent a few minutes waiting for the traffic to clear.

(Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I have no problem with the waiting.)

I chose Starbucks as my destination and celebrated with a small pumpkin spice latte (skinny, no whip) AND a pumpkin spice doughnut. They were both fantastic.

Now - all of that said? OH MY GOD I AM SO DAMN SORE. I am not usually too sore after my long runs since I run so slow, but I guess 10 miles crosses me over into the No Matter How Slow You Go - You’ll Still Hurt Like Hell territory.

I ran for ten miles. I ran for two hours. Man - those words sound awesome.

I am not in the mood to discuss my blog right now. I can recover the entries from the last few days (I hope) but I can’t recover the comments from wishing NikkiZ Happy Birthday or from our Anniversary and this devastates me. MrZ also woke up this morning with a neck issue that is causing him so much pain he is basically immoble. NikkiZ is also very sick and snotty and grody. I am started to feel like my family will never be 100% ever again. I am so tired and worn out and OH MY GOD - I NEED A BREAK.

Okay. Done with the bitching and whining. Now let’s all praise me for running my 5K in record (for me) time: 30:06.

I almost broke thirty minutes! I’m so proud! And red!

LilZ told me last night that there is this new “thing” at school where, if someone puts their hand on your shoulder and you don’t get it off in 7 seconds, it means you’re gay. He said it with as much disgust and irritation as I’ve ever heard in his voice. He’s used to those jokes by now because he happens to have, of all things, a good friend who is also a guy, and evidently in middle school? That totally makes you gay.

Kids are idiots.

I don’t remember “You’re gay!” ever being insults we used. Of course, we used “You’ve got AIDS!” like you would “You’ve got COOTIES!” because no one understood what AIDS even was yet. I look back on that and just shake my head thinking, “We were idiots.”

LilZ knows several gay people who are part of our family, or friends of our family, so the whole “You’re gay!” insult has always irritated him. He considers it very uncreative, in terms of insults, as do I. But it made me wonder…and I don’t know if I’ve ever posed this question to any of my friends or family, but what is the age kids feel comfortable coming “out” at school? I mean - I would think that by Junior High, a person starts to understand their sexuality - but I’m certain in the environment LilZ describes, no one would want to admit being homosexual. It seems more common in High School, for kids to come out as homosexuals, but I’ve never heard it talked about in Middle School. Curious. It’s a harsh environment for the most average and normal of kids, I can’t imagine how it would be for someone who was gay.

Regardless - LilZ hates the gay jokes. He adds them to the long list of Crap I Have To Deal With Even Though It Pisses Me Off. Kinda like having a bottom locker and P.E. first period.

Okay. Have you noticed I’m having to moderate comments on my blog now? That your comments aren’t immediately published? Well…that’s because I’m having some MT issues. And last night it got really ugly as LilZ gave me a backrub (yes, I know he’s awesome…) while I had a panic attack fearing a loss of my entire blog. I kept thinking this was MY fault somehow…turns out? Not so much.

I figured this out because I tried setting up Wordpress on my TV Addict site. Turns out? There are a different set of issues there. After investigating I’ve discovered it’s the fault of my host and some upgrade/maintenance/annoying behavior that has thrown things for a loop in the database arena.

Let’s just say that none of this makes my anxiety level drop. At least if it’s a problem I cause, I can try to fix it. When it’s caused by them, I’m at their mercy - and what if they don’t fix it? Then what? I’ll cry. That’s what.

So - comments still being moderated. Blood pressure rising and headache ensuing. Good times.

A year ago today I had my abdomen sliced open and a baby torn out of it. Not quite the way we had planned it - but the product was what mattered. A healthy baby girl who would make the following year simply amazing. I am not a very good writer and I’ve read so many first year tributes that were amazing, that I’m scared to even try. But - I do have a perspective that is a little different than some. A perspective of an 11-year-old boy who’s dream came true a year ago today.

LilZ had been asking for a sibling since about the time MrZ and I met. Maybe not quite that soon…but he was sick of being an “only child” the first time someone asked for the kids with no brothers and sisters to raise their hands - and it was only him. I have learned in the last year how destined he was to be a big brother. He has amazed me in every way. I feel like I gave both kids a gift a year ago today: a give of another person who will love them unconditionally their whole life. Knowing that they will have, as an adult, what I have with my brother - or what MrZ has with his siblings - makes me feel secure about their future. No matter how tough the road gets - not only will their parents be there - but they’ll be there for each other.

So - instead of writing the tribute myself - I asked LilZ to write about the day NikkiZ was born - this is word for word what he gave me.

*************

I remember the day Nikkiz was born like it was yeasterday. I was in Social Studies on October the 26, 2005 when the intercom came on asking for me for check out. I jumped up like I had just won a million dollars and ran to the office to find my Grandma sitting in the office chair, smiling.

I had a billion questions like “what color hair does she have and what does she look like and is my mom Ok?” My Grandma said she had red hair and was the cutest thing, ever. And that my mom was fine, but being pumped with morphine.

When we got to the hospital and went to my moms room and I saw Nikkizs little face it was the happiest thing in my entire life. She was so little and cute I had to hold her. She was light, 8 pounds.

When I was getting details from my mom she kept dozing off and picking up right where she left off. It was funny.

When they came home from the hospital it was a couple days before Halloween. Nikkiz was a pumpkin.

That is all I remember about when Niikiz was born, one year ago.

Nikkiz, time has flied and I cant belive you are 1. I love you soooooo much.

From, lilz

Happy birthday, angel. From all of us.