The Today Show invited Melissa on to talk about how Moms like to sometimes drink a cocktail, or a beer, or a glass of whine…while their kids are around. Heaven forbid, I know! After seeing the video, I feel like it was another case of Judging Mothers 101: How To Empower Yourself By Insulting Others.
Melissa was wonderful and brought up great points, as usual. Dr. Janet, however, seemed judgmental and close-minded. Here are the questions I would like Dr. Janet to answer:
1) If my family is invited to a wedding, and we all attend (including my kids), am I allowed to have a glass of wine then?
2) If I run to the store and leave my kids at home with my husband while he watches the game, and he has a beer while I’m gone, will you judge him too?
3) If we go grab dinner at the local Mexican dive as a family mid-week, and I decide to have a Mexican beer with my meal (Dos Equis to be exact), am I being irresponsible?
There are so many times that parents drink in moderation and no one even flinches. We’re allowed to have a glass of wine if our husband is home, even if he’s having one too. No one cares if we gather for Sunday dinner at Grandma’s and every adult has a beer. Yet, somehow, Melissa and other mothers put the words “cocktails and playdates” together in a sentence and the whole world is shaking their head in unison, whispering about “drinking problems” and “neglected children.”
Either these judgmental moms are robots and never have bad days, or they’re just better at coping than I am. If I stay at home with my kids and no adults all day, my parenting diminishes as the clock ticks on. That’s a fact. And that is without alcohol. However, if I take a break in the early evening and crack open a beer, or pour a glass of wine and hang out with some friends, I feel rejuvenated. I rediscover the non-Mom in me which makes the Mom in me a better person. It’s one beer. One glass of wine. At home. It’s not a damn big deal. I think we have much greater problems to discuss with Mothers in this country - like why are we allowing our kids to wear 80s fashions? THAT is something we need to stomp out RIGHT NOW.
Dear Melissa - Thank you. If you’re ever in Alabama, cocktails are on me.
Edited to Add: Melissa wrote a really great article today, Recapping how the whole thing went down. I also want to go on record saying when I watched the segment online, I fast-forwarded to the part with Melissa. I missed the girl who said something (hopefully in jest and out of context) about sober moms not being good moms. That would have offended me too.
Rosie O’Donnell is getting crap too, for telling her 4 year old to get her a beer.
our kids not only get the beer, they open it for us too.
*when my son is 16, i’m teaching him to mix my drinks.
Let me start by saying the United States is the greatest country on earth and I would never live anywhere else.
That being said, in Europe this would not be a big deal!! They have wine with every meal. It’s a normal part of life. Somehow in this country we seem to want to create this hysteria and insist that it’s one extreme or the other. Why can we embrace the concept of moderation? No, I don’t think you should get tanked at playdates but that’s not what was happening.
With everything else going on in the world, I guess it was just a slow news day!!
I don’t have kids yet, but I can’t believe that people are so up in arms over this. And, I love the way the video was called “cocktails & playdates”, like they are serving up gin & tonics to the toddlers. Please. I would think it’s a lot healthier for the moms to get a little adult conversation now & then and if it involves a glass of wine, then so be it!
Amen. I hated how this Janet character insinuated that drinking a glass of wine on a playdate will diminish your skills as a mother. I’m much more with you, that having to deal with kids all day by yourself diminishes your skills as a mother. Where’s the public outcry about overworked mothers? Whatever. As I said over on my blog, I thought it was absurd they pitted her against this psychologist. It would have been a lot more balanced had they had another mom/blogger on to debate with. I thought Melissa did a fabulous job, considering.
Oh and Jen, I have my seven year old fetch me beer on occasion. I’d have him open it, but I don’t think he’d know how. Soon as he knows how to mix up an appletini though, I’m in heaven.
Wait - you can TEACH your child to fetch beers? Oh man, I am SO looking forward to that!
I think Melissa made a good point by saying that when she gets together w/ her friends they are not always drinking. And the point that Janet kept trying to make is that we can bond over things other than a glass of wine, but she did not say what other things. I think drinking a glass of wine w/ a friend has a similiar intention as sharing a cup of tea: the intention is to feel like you are an adult worthy of some relaxation.
This actually does not sit so well with me because I have seen the other side of this.
I actually sat with my friend last night as she accepted her 6 month sobriety chip from a recovery program. A teenage drinking problem that had been long gone resurfaced when it became habit for her and some of her mom friends to get together for play dates and have a drink. As it became more accepted for her to have a glass of wine her problem resurface. It very slowly got out of control and led to many other issues in her life. I actually got a sick feeling in my stomach watching this video. So yes, it actually can be a very big deal. I have seen it be.
It’s just another step in the long slow slide back into alcohol prohibition. A lot of people want it outlawed (even though it didn’t work the first time), and making it seem impossible to drink responsibly is an essential step down that path. Sorry to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but it’s a pet issue of mine as a homebrewer.
P.S. Great post!
Also, to continue my rant… The woman at the beginning of the video questioned if someone could even be a good mother if they didn’t have a glass of wine during the day to relax. And the that I say yes. I feel I am a very good, loving mother who is raising a perfectly happy content child without needing wine to relax me.
I don’t drink at all - in front of kids or otherwise - but it seems to me that if you do, if you’re okay with alcohol consumption in general, don’t you WANT your kids to watch you do it in moderation? Don’t you WANT to model good drinking habits for them so they learn that while it might be okay to have one or two beers in a sitting, it’s not okay to have 73? How do children learn such things as moderation and not driving while impaired if their parents never talk about it with them?
I’d rather they learn from parents than the 31 year old RA at the frat house when they go to college. I remember my father used to hide beer in the house so we “wouldn’t know he drank”. So not worth the effort. My brother and I both always knew when there was beer and all his hiding places. To this day, I think he still thinks he hid it from us. Kids pick up on a lot more than we think.
I loved Melissa’s statement about feeling like a grown-up with the goat cheese salad and wine vs. pizza and juice boxes. I think that is probably important for mothers. I don’t have kids, but I have the need to feel like a grown-up and socialize with others because I telecommute and spend most of my days all by myself in my home. Everybody needs the opportunity to feed and nourish themselves (I’m not literally talking about food or drink) and that’s what women in these groups are getting. I hated the judgmental tone of the piece.
that video m ade me really mad.
i hope melissa kicked dr. janet after they were done filming and then said ‘oh my, i’m so sorry but i haven’t had a martini in a fewhours and i’m getting a little tense.’
Ya know, I was ok with the cocktails and playdates before I read this post, but now I’m even more okay with it. I hadn’t even thought of the wine at a wedding, beer during the game scenarios. VERY good point.
and Zoot the cocktails are on me if you ever find yourself in the birthplace of ELVIS
Gag me with a swizzle stick. “Dr. Janet” would have a shit fit if she dropped in at our house. What I also hate is the damn mainstream media and how they frame every issue in the most simplistic and adversarial and sensationalistic way possible. I hate this kind of TV. I always forget how dumb and condescending it is. Thank zeus for the interwebs.
In some countries it is common to have beer or wine with dinner.
Completely shielding children from life is not healthy so I think Dr Janet should take the stick out of her ass.
This is a difficult subject for anyone who lives in a glass house. With that said, irresponsible doesn’t revolve around just alcohol. To be quite honest with you, I would prefer a child see a parent have a drink or in a social setting so they learn from it. They see adults drinking and not taking their clothes off (thankfully my dogs can’t talk) or acting inappropriately, just being social. Because the kids that do not see the interaction of adults, adult behavior and alcohol, often get involved with alcohol early and do not know moderation or social acceptance.
I was raised in a bar, my Mom never drank a day of her life. She treated it as it was, just a business. I learned early on the regulars and how some could have a few and others couldn’t. I appreciated that influence and feel people who look in on my glass house will see many naked drinking dances with Bon Jovi… (tongue and cheek)
I totally agree with you. Where do you draw the line? Are we not allowed to drink when kids are around ever? Those are rhetorical, btw. I don’ think having one drink is going to impair our parenting skills.
I cannot even believe that this is a debate. WTF America?!?
I don’t know Melissa, *I read her site, though* but I think she did a great job, considering she talked about how nervous she was.
I need to find me some moms to have playdates with, just so I can start drinking. This totally needs to be a non-issue.
[...] Watch it here if you’re interested. (And seriously - can you get much more insulting than insinuating that a mom is no more than a babysitter?) I loved Zoot’s response to it. [...]
This is all so ridiculous. I don’t have children, but when I do, I will be drinking alcohol in front of them on occasion. I grew up with parents that did drink in front of us on occasion. My mom doesn’t like a lot of alcohol (only sweet wine, champagne, and margaritas) and I could not think of a better role model for responsible consumption of alcohol. She only drinks things that she likes, drinks in moderation, and only when someone else is the designated driver.
For that matter, all the talking in the world about not driving drunk didn’t make the difference that growing up watching my parents never drink a drop of alcohol unless there was a designated driver did. They didn’t just tell us to do something, they showed us how important of an issue it was to them.
*sigh* I agree with you but it makes me so tired that now that I’m a mom I must defend every minute of my day and every move I make. Not only do I not get paid to watch my children (um I do it out of this think called..Love..its’ crazy Janet look into it) but I am responsible for every thing they do …kinda. If they do things right, learn to read, go to the potty, say thank you and please, then they are ’so smart’ and if they are badly behaved, jumping on the bed…in a store…while eating ice cream or pouring baby powder all over the upstairs ‘SNOW!” Than its’ my fault…..for not watching them better.
The whole thing is so tiring…I need a beer.
So True…its ridiculous how some parents preach certain holier-than-thouisms upon others and seem to think they are in a position to judge everyone who does things just a bit differently. Every parent has the right to make thier own choices about what they feel is best for their own kids…you know, with the exception of actual abuse and neglect.
Well said, Zoot! And I’m laughing about the 80s fashion.
That story represents the reason I stopped watching the Today show — the pieces tend to be very biased. During the Amish shootings in Lancaster, PA, Ann Curry said she were surprised that she could get cell phone coverage in Lancaster. She then followed up with “here’s the major road through Lancaster” while standing on a country road about 500 yards from US Rt. 30 (which was probably backlogged with commuter traffic).
This is just another example of “Here’s what we need to show in this story”, and the correspondents and editors putting together a package that supports the bias they want to propogate.
Your questions raise excellent points!
Are you telling me that Meredith - a high class socialite - hasn’t attend an event, party, wedding, whatever & had a drink the presence of one of her children? Come on.
Remember that Chuck-E-Cheese serves beer!!!! Let’s go after them!!!!
Ridiculous.
OMG. Things like this indicate to me that the Today show has too much time to fill and…they’re going to four hours. Sweet Jesus they’re making life way too difficult.
Things that are forbidden become things you over-indulge in. If you’re modeling and talking about moderation - and being honest about the reality of alcoholism - your teaching a great life lesson. And, for the record, I grew up with an alcoholic. Is it okay for him to have a drink, whether in front of his friends or his kids? No. But, it’s not about the kids. Am I super aware of the risk as an adult and limit myself to at most one or two drinks in a night and one or two nights in a week? Absolutely. Will I talk openly about that when I have kids? You can bet the bank on it.
Ridiculous. I don’t yet have children but I do plan on it and I drink. I’m sure that I will drink in front of them. I think what people are getting confused about is drinking and driving. These women were drinking a glass of wine at home while playing outside with their kids. I see no harm in it. I do think that the one drink limit is a good idea however If it helps these mothers to still feel connected to the outside adult world then they will ultimately be happier and therefore better mothers! Great post as usual Zoot!