The Difference…

I’ve been asked often this week if I’m nervous about my next appointment. And I am, but it’s different being pregnant the first time after a successful pregnancy. With NikkiZ, and every failed cycle/pregnancy before her, I felt like the weight of the happiness of my family was hinging on the success of my reproductive system. LilZ was practically aching to be a big brother and MrZ wanted nothing more than to hold his baby in his arms. Every month that I was not pregnant or every miscarriage reminded me that my body failed to give them their dream.

(And yes, it was my dream too, but having had LilZ, it was different from my perspective.)

The entire pregnancy with NikkiZ kept me so anxious I was sick. Every low progesterone level, every ultrasound, every uterine blood clot, every doppler test, every twitch or tingle had me fearing failure. I constantly worried about whether or not I’d be able to give them what they wanted so deeply.

This time? It’s different. I’m still incredibly pessimistic, like when asked about my due date last night I said, “Some time in January, we’re not thinking that far ahead yet.” I’m still worried. I’m still convinced my body will reject this embryo. But the difference is? I don’t feel the darkness behind that fate. If it happens? It happens. I’ll be devastated but I won’t lose hope. And if we’re never successful again? We are all so grateful for NikkiZ that we could never be sad for too long. The happiness of my family is not riding on the outcome of this pregnancy (not like it was with NikkiZ either, but your mind plays tricks on you sometimes) and we still have a blessing in our lives to make us smile.

It’s just different this time. And that’s a good thing.

Worse than a weed

MrZoot and LilZoot

This picture was taken in October 2003, the day MrZ and I got married. We are going tonight to pick up tuxes again for the first time since then. This time, they are for MrZ’s brother’s wedding and I’m betting the pictures I take of the boys on Saturday will look a little bit different, what do you think?

LilZ is growing so fast I’m losing my mind. We’re going to the mall tonight to buy him an entire outfit for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow because NONE of his dressy clothes fit. Not even his shoes which we bought in December. They lasted FIVE MONTHS. And when I bought those I insisted we get them a bit too big so they’d last longer. Heaven forbid if I actually bought shoes in a perfect fit. I’d be lucky to get three months out of them then.

I’m making MrZ’s 18-year-old sister go with us to help provide mediation between me, “Here’s a nice looking suit,” and LilZ, “Can I wear flip-flops?” She knows what’s in style for kids his age so she’ll have better luck helping me find dress clothes he might actually wear again. There’s nothing I hate worse than buying something and it only being worn once. Of course, at the rate LilZ’s growing, that could happen anyway. He could want to wear the shoes next Tuesday and can’t because he’ll have already grown out of them.

Can you hypnotize a toddler?

My daughter is 3 days away from her debut performance as “Flower Girl #2.” She will be walking down the aisle of MrZ’s brother’s 300-person wedding on Saturday and I met her co-star (“Flower Girl #1″) at the church today in hopes that the introduction would start the warming-up process before Saturday. FG#1 is almost a year older and very excited about her role in this wedding. NikkiZ, on the other hand, kept holding on to my calves saying, “Hole Choo Peeeez, Hole Choo Peeez, Hold Choo Peez…”

(Translation: “Hold You, Please.” Derived from, “Do you want me to hold you?” Yes. It is the cutest thing in the world.)

Anyway – I just don’t think she’s feeling it. I know the bride and MrZ’s brother don’t really care and won’t freak out if NikkiZ doesn’t do it, but it would be so awesome if she would. Her brother and Dad will be at the front of the church since they’re groomsmen, and I’ll be near the front on the aisle, so we’re hoping her seeing all of us will inspire her to move from the back of the church to the front in a timely fashion. Of course, it may be running and screaming, “Momomomomomomomomom…” with nary a flower to be dropped, but at least she’ll have made her appearance, right?

I’m hoping she’ll look at the FG#1 and simply want to do what that big girl is doing and all will go well. Or at least that if it goes horribly wrong like my vivid imagination predicts, it gives the bride and groom a good story to re-tell as they grow old together: Remember at our wedding? When NikkiZ started screaming and then Kim ran back to get her and tripped down the aisle ripping off her own dress and mooning the entire group of 300 guests? That was funny.