I’ve been asked often this week if I’m nervous about my next appointment. And I am, but it’s different being pregnant the first time after a successful pregnancy. With NikkiZ, and every failed cycle/pregnancy before her, I felt like the weight of the happiness of my family was hinging on the success of my reproductive system. LilZ was practically aching to be a big brother and MrZ wanted nothing more than to hold his baby in his arms. Every month that I was not pregnant or every miscarriage reminded me that my body failed to give them their dream.
(And yes, it was my dream too, but having had LilZ, it was different from my perspective.)
The entire pregnancy with NikkiZ kept me so anxious I was sick. Every low progesterone level, every ultrasound, every uterine blood clot, every doppler test, every twitch or tingle had me fearing failure. I constantly worried about whether or not I’d be able to give them what they wanted so deeply.
This time? It’s different. I’m still incredibly pessimistic, like when asked about my due date last night I said, “Some time in January, we’re not thinking that far ahead yet.” I’m still worried. I’m still convinced my body will reject this embryo. But the difference is? I don’t feel the darkness behind that fate. If it happens? It happens. I’ll be devastated but I won’t lose hope. And if we’re never successful again? We are all so grateful for NikkiZ that we could never be sad for too long. The happiness of my family is not riding on the outcome of this pregnancy (not like it was with NikkiZ either, but your mind plays tricks on you sometimes) and we still have a blessing in our lives to make us smile.
It’s just different this time. And that’s a good thing.
I too had two miscarriages before I had my son. I don’t produce progesterone on my own, so I had to take progesterone. I remember every appt. being nervous about the levels.
We are TTC right now, and I’m nervous again. I know that I will need to take the Progesterone again, so I’m hoping and praying for yet another successful pregnancy. But I understand the fear and worry.
So I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, b/c I know how you feel right now:)
Sorry that first line was a typo. Yes I had two, but I wasn’t meaning I had two like you, b/c I don’t know how many you have had.
What a healthy outlook. I felt the same way with my last pregnancy. It would be sad if I lost it, but we would try again, and we would be okay.
(It turned out fine, by the way, and my baby is now 18 months.)
Is that the wisdom that having multiple miscarriages brings?
Anyway, glad you are in a good place.
Uh…may I hug you? That would make *me* feel better heh. I’m glad you’re able to keep a balanced look on things - and really appreciate the incredible treasure you have in Nikki
I want to say, “Good luck!” with the pregnancy but somehow that sounds too casual for something so important. So if you could just think of something brilliant to say, then say it to yourself for me, that’d be awesome. *grin* Take care of yourself, MissZoot. Because you kinda rule.
i’m keeping my fingers crossed for you guys …
meanwhile, my pants are not fitting me … curse the 10 weeks pg bloats … as the baby itself is about the size of my finger nail. bah.
When is the next appointment? Am glad to hear you’re feeling o.k. about the whole thing - or as o.k. as you can. I’m thinking of you all!
Beautiful entry. You have explained how I felt through my pregnancy so well. To take your mind off your appointment, you should think of something else that is exciting. Like, say the Harry Potter theme park!
You have a great outlook! I am rooting for you with your pregnancy. I had healthy pregnancies in the past but remarried and my husband and I got pregnant quickly but it ended in miscarriage. We tried two years of infertility treatments and TTC with no luck. Around that time I followed your pregnancy with NikkiZ closely and really enjoyed seeing you experience a successful pregnancy. Oddly enough, after over a year of not trying to get pregnant, no infertility treatment and losing 36 pounds, I found out I was pregnant last week. Crazy! So we’re due the same month and I really hope I am following along with you this pregnancy but comparing notes
I’m slightly more pessimistic than you at this stage. I almost look at the Doctor like she’s mental when she talks as if I’ll actually have a Baby at the end of this.
I am so excited for you. I have to say, I know how you felt about waiting to see if you were pregnant…every time I start my period, I feel like bawling. And, it’s not like I don’t have beautiful children already.
My fingers are crossed for you!
It took us a year to TTC so I was a little nervous at first, hoping the baby would stick. And once I got over that hurdle I have been able to enjoy my pregnancy. But I have not had to go through what you have, I remember all of that when you posted it here.
I just wanted to let you know that you have one more person crossing their fingers, saying prayers and keeping you in my thoughts!! Congrats on getting pregnant again, I hope this one follows NikkiZ’s example and sticks! Good luck, and lots of sticky dust! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It does sound like you have a good outlook on this that only comes from having been through it a few times. Before I had Chloe, I had two m/c’s and dispared that we would ever have kids. Now that I have my little angel, I know that if we try again (which I think we will) I will still have that anxiety and nervousness about the pregnancy, but I know that if it happens, then it was meant to be and nothing that I personally did to make it wrong. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and hope that this time, everything goes a.o.k.
It is odd how your mind or more precisely your emotions can play tricks on you. It’s taken me four years to get enough courage to try being pregnant again. I am grateful for each day that goes by with this baby that is uneventful since the last was so full of drama. I am sure that your pregnancy will go well, at least if our love and support have anything to do with it. Stay “cautiously optimistic” and we’ll be praying for you and your wee one to have many pleasant, uneventful days.
Sending you good vibes.
I wanted another so bad after my son was born. I too had miscarriages and I even gave birth to my daughter at 21 weeks, she only lived 38 minutes. I realized that he was enough, that I would put all of my focus in him.
It’s not really in our hands anyhow. I know you’re a atheist but someone is watching over you if you like it or not.