The waiting…it still sucks donkey balls.
So, have you noticed I haven’t talked a lot about this whole “pregnancy” thing? Yeah. Well, that’s for a few reasons. First – there are a lot more of my family that read this site than did when I was pregnant with NikkiZ. I’m worried they’ll question my mental stability if they read all of my “OHMIGOD, I cried all morning because I just knew I lost the baby” entries. I also feel really guilty talking about that stuff now that I have NikkiZ. It’s like saying to those of you still trying so hard, “My fears are just as bad as yours!” And also? I just feel weird this time. Because honestly? I feel like I’ve already lost the baby. I don’t know if that’s my emotional way of preparing just in case? But it’s just a dark cloud in my heart that hangs over every smile and every laugh.
I am only talking about this now because I have an appointment today at 1pm. (I’m Central Time, remember.) I don’t want this site to become a repository for me saying, “I’m scared!” and you wonderful people saying, “Hugs!” because – there are so many other wonderful things going on in my life, I want the entries from this point to reflect the happiness in my family, not the paranoia. Since I blog for archival purposes, I want NikkiZ to look back and see stories of her childhood, not hundreds of entries about fear of miscarriages.
But I have an appointment today, and I tossed and turned all night and woke up at 4am. It is on my heart right now and since in a few hours my fears will either be confirmed or erased, I feel like I can talk about it. I’m scared. Part of it is the bleeding. Which, they saw that in the ultrasound, we knew that was there, but it still freaks me out to see it because the alarms that ring. And hell – I practically hemorrhaged with NikkiZ at week 11, with the uterine bloodclot, so it’s obvious that there still can be positive outcomes with bleeding. But still – it has freaked me out to no end.
And some of it is I just feel…off. Not “Pregnancy” Off – just – There’s Something Wrong Off. It’s hard to explain, but I know I didn’t feel it with NikkiZ. It’s just this weird sensation like something is not right. I don’t know.
But then again (because these are the conversations from my head from all throughout the night and I thought it would humor you to see how crazy I am) I am also waaay more hormonal crazy than I was with NikkiZ. My emotions have been so raw, even more so than usual. And for me? That’s a LOT. Even not pregnant I’m hyper-sensitive, but the last fee weeks? It has been insane. I cried the other night for an hour just looking at this gorgeous bracelet my mother-in-law gave me. I just kept sniffling and saying, “It’s so pretty! She’s so wonderful!” and MrZ was just ignoring me and hoping I would go away. Kinda like how he ignores the dogs when they’re super hyper and wanting to play.
So – let’s review: Raw Emotional Insanity? GOOD. Bleeding? BAD. My boobs haven’t been sore – but I’ve still been doing the Early Pregnancy Boob Checks that all of us who have ever tried to have kids do. It’s that “first sign” of pregnancy we all hear about and hope to feel. I haven’t felt it once. No morning sickness (none with NikkiZ either) and I’m only experiencing that exhaustion for a few hours after I take my prometrium. So – there’s some more random GOOD and BAD or BOTH signs that you can analyze like I have been the last three weeks.
My point? I’m insane and have been insane for several weeks but I’m trying to hide it so that any of my children that may go back and read this won’t realize HOW insane I really am.
My appointment is at 1pm today. I’m going to keep the comments closed on this entry because I know you all are thinking about me and sending me good thoughts – but I am not in a good place and I fear if I keep seeing your comments of love and kindness and hope, I may spend the whole morning crying and that may not do much for the office environment. So – for the sake of my emotional strength, I’m closing comments. I’ll open them back up right before I leave for my appointment though – so that (like last time) if anyone sees my news on Twitter, they can post it here to tell those of you who can’t see the Twitter updates.
All body parts crossed? Good. Let’s go. Comments are now open. I’m so nervous I might puke.
All body parts crossed for you, Zoot. I’m sorry you’ve been so worried and out of sorts.
Sending positive vibes your way!
I heart you, woman!
Parts of me that I didn’t even know could cross are crossed. I have to go to class now but I will check in later. I am stopping at the chapel to say a little prayer for you and the little Zoot.
You know what? You are actually a pretty strong lady, even if you dont see it (and I don’t actually know you in real life) But to put all your hurdles into having a child on the internet for anyone to read is amazingly strong and I am sure it has helped so many other people. In fact I sent your site to a friend who was having problems and she loved it!! It does help when you do find a support system with people who have gone through this, are going through this, and could one day go through this. I have everything crossed for you that you have some good news to share, and that everything is going okay with this new miracle. Maybe it hasn’t felt real because of the fear? That is okay. If for some reason it does go that way, you know you have this support system for you to lean on.
Just know I am here for you and hope that NBHHY!
I keep checking in every half an hour or so, hoping to have an early update. =( My thoughts are with you zoot! Good luck
You are not alone. I’m hoping and praying for the best news for you today.
Fingers and toes crossed!
Praying for good baby news!
Hope to hear from you soon, Zoot. Weird for me to be nervous – but you absolutely have all my best wishes and prayers.
Sening you good vibes and thoughts all the way from Germany!
Thinking about you!
Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you!
You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I am hoping everything is OK and thinking about you. Whatever the outcome, you are an awesome Mom and neither of your kids would look back at this site and think otherwise!
Just saw the “All Good!” post on twitter! Congrats! Looking forward to that Feb. 1st due date!
Congrats on the good news. Can’t wait to hear more about the appointment.
well, I’ve never been on Twitter before, but checked it out and CONGRATS Zoot!
FYI: She just posted half a minute ago: “All good! Due date Feb 1st.”
Yay!!!
Woo-hoo!!
Congrats!
Yep, was twitter refreshing as well. Glad of the good news! Feb 1 sounds like a great day to come into this crazy world!
:phew: I’m glad it was a good day!
Wheeeee! Ladybug onesies all around.
We’re only a few days apart in due dates — congrats again to you and the whole Zoot fam.
Have been compulsively checking Twitter (which I now need to figure out how to do)… YAY!!!!!!!!! Congrats!
WOOOHOOOO!
All that crossing paid off!
I never comment on the blogs I read, BUT…I am so happy for you that I am crying in my office. I am going to have to pretend I stubbed my toes now not to look like a total tool. YEAGH!! February is a wonderful time for a little one to join the Zoot family.
Yay!!! Major congrats going your way!! I’m happy for you, Zoot. =D I can’t wait to hear more about your appt!!
: ) So happy for you!!
Yay for Twitter! I think you should name this one Twitter.
Yay, for good news!
hooray! cheers to the zoot family!
YAY!! I’ve been thinking about you all day and I just saw the Twitter update (stupid meetings!). SO EXCITED FOR YOU! Congrats!
yeah for good news!!
Congrats to you and your family!! 
Glad to hear the good news. Congrats!
That is so awesome! Way to go little Z-bert for hanging in there!
Congrats!!!!
yahooo! congrats
Yay! Congrats! February is a good month!
Woohoo! Congrats!
Yay!!! February is a great time to have a baby…I had two in Feb. (son on Feb. 1, daughter on Feb. 23). I am so very happy for you!
Just so you know, I had zero of the “classic” pregnancy symptoms with this third pregnancy (I’m being induced Thursday!). I also freaked out, but turns out that not having some of the symptoms (like sore boobs) is a good sign. Who knew? What I’m trying to say is that every pregnancy is different, and I wish you the very best of luck this time around!
Yay!!! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you and your family!
Saw your twitter. PHEW. So happy for you. Plus, you get to wear winter maternity clothes. So much better than summer! Great news.
Everything is crossed for you. and your family.
Whew! Major congrats for getting through this first hurdle!
(February babies rock. I should know, I am one.)