I’m so overwhelmed with having internet access back in my home, that I’m dying to tell you about every little mundane thing that has transpired in my life over the last several days. I mean, sure BlogHer was fun and Marilyn will never room with such a boring party-pooper again, but there are other more boring things to discuss. Like the fact that I got ministered to last night in my front yard while drinking a beer! Praise the Lord!
NikkiZ, Stace’s daughter and I were hanging out in the front yard last night. I’m sure my neighbors think we’re weird since we choose the front over the private back yard, but they’d understand if they saw the poop-mine-field back there. So, we’re just chillin’ and chattin’ and being all relaxed and shit. I’m drinking my after-dinner beer and the girls have sodas and we’re waving to the dogs as they walk by. Good times.
Then, these two middle-aged men come up to my yard carrying brochures for something. They introduced themselves as being members of a nearby church and for some reason I hid my beer. I HID MY BEER. Because that’s going to be the thing that makes them not like me? Am I concerned they won’t let me come to the church I wasn’t going to attend anyway? Am I afraid they won’t give me those fancy looking pamphlets in their hands? WHY DID I HIDE THE BEER?
Anyway - they were there to tell me about a new kids program their church was offering. I thanked them politely and asked if there would be beer served for the parents. (I did not!) They also asked if there was anything I needed them to pray for me about, which caught me off guard. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a damning smart ass comment about my failing porn career needing all of the help it could get, but I refrained because I’m not a total jackass. I smiled and told them that, “No. My life is very blessed, save your prayers for those who really need it.”
They were very nice and considering the religious attitude in some areas of the south, I actually consider it an honor when people think to at least try to minister to the tattooed lady drinking the beer in her front yard. Some would have assumed I was a lost cause. As MrZ said, “You were a lot nicer than I would have been.”
Something tells me MrZ wouldn’t have hidden his beer.
Oh please. You are so not a party pooper. You just wake up… early.
Besides, sleep was for the weak at BlogHer anyhow.
And I’m sorry but if anyone ever tries to minister to me in my own stinkin yard I think they’d find I not only do not hide my beer but I’d be shoving it up their hoo-ha. That’s a little over the top.
You are just too damn funny! Thanks for the laughs!
I have found my ability to be polite to proselytizers diminishing as I get older. Just wait until I’m the crotchety 70 year old atheist sitting on her front porch with the shotgun! HA! How d’ya like me NOW, Younguns! I dare you to…
Wow. I got WAY too caught up in that vision.
I think I would have hid my beer, too. I get goofy about stuff like that.
I have taken to telling anyone that come to my door to “minister” to me that I’m a pagan and there’s no saving my heathen soul. It works nicely.
I was raised Jehovah’s Witness (don’t worry, I got better) so I am always on the look out for people in ministry work. At least you stayed outside. Whenever I see people out doing their work, I run into my house, close all the doors and go into the back yard so that even if they did see me, I can’t really hear the doorbell ringing…. yeah, I’m a big chicken like that.
That’s why I’m Cathoic. We like our beer. Our last church had a keg tap permanently affixed to the wall in the gathering space.
OH my, what a completely lovely response to their question about prayer! I can never muster up anything more than “No thank you” while mentally running thru a list of vile and rude comments that I would like to say.
Give the church people a little credit - Christians have tattoos and drink beer. (Unless the Southern variety is inherently different.)
Zoot,
I so wish you had mentioned the porn career. C’mon, think of the blog fodder you would’ve had! Do it for the internet Zoot!
Thanks for taking the high road, Zoot!
Now being the religious sort I actually hang well with the tatooed beer drinkers. (surprise surprise) I don’t drink beers but occasionally have a cosmo or something froo froo.
When the religious ones come to my door I greet them with…”Can I show you how to save you soul from the damnation of hell??!!” (eyes getting wider with every statement with that crazy half off look) That normally shocks them and they run away. They haven’t come back. BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA