Have I ever mentioned that I have an incredible weakness for books guiding you in improving your life that contain heavy philosophical lessons or elements of eastern religions and spiritual leanings? Did you just fall asleep reading that sentence? Yes. That would be why I haven’t mentioned it. Unless you’ve poured through books ranging from The Celestine Prophecy to The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - you would probably be bored with the topic. And you would be considered sane. Whereas I’m the crazy girl building the meditation alter in the corner hoping it will help her achieve the enlightenment she needs before the next episode of Big Brother comes on.
I life quite a dualistic existence, don’t you think?
Well - graduating from college and starting a career and a family seems to have pushed this interest of mine To Achieve Peace In My Life to the background — right after “Learn to Knit” and before “Clean out the glove compartment.” It’s just not something I have the luxury to think about: How Can I Make Myself Better. I’m too busy thinking about: How Can I Put Off Grocery Shopping For One More Day By Feeding My Family Cream of Mushroom Soup and Frozen Corn For Dinner.
Well, my friend Lyndsey and I were chatting the other day and she pointed me in the direction of a book she swears by called You Can Heal Your Life with the warning that if I’m open to the book, it could be what I’m looking for. Of course, I jumped on that because I’ve needed something lately to kind of motivate me to change. To improve. To inspire. After the first few pages I’m convinced that I need a LOT of help.
One of the underlying themes of the book is one I profess all the time: The world gives you what you give it. I joke with LilZ about various forms of karma. If he points to someone who leaves their shopping cart (buggy!) in the parking lot not in the cart bin, I’ll say, “That person is accumulating bad parking-lot karma. They shouldn’t be surprised when the come out next time to find a shopping cart has crashed into their car.” It’s a little extreme - but something I believe. Deep down inside I feel that I put good into the universe, it can’t help but give it back to me. Like: If I offer up my dignity to raise money for the MDA, then surely The Fresh Market will start to stock their yummy carrot soufflé again.
But - the other theme? Is that you first have to love yourself. And, um, yeah. I don’t really do that. I have deep, dark guilt issues that make me assume anything bad that happens to me is because I’ve made horrible decisions in my life. I think I’ve scared you all before with my discussion of my guilt issues. They are not a pretty side of my personality and this book seems to think I need to deal with that low self-esteem before anything else. And, um, yeah. Not sure how to do that.
My point? I’m determined to talk this out. Try to improve my own self image before my daughter becomes warped by my insecurities. Maybe you can even chime in. We’ve often commiserated over our low self-esteem. So, I’m going to set up a few “private” entries to run the next few days where I lay out the things I hate about myself and how dumb they are. (Ranging from: Why Are My Eyebrows Crooked to Oops, I Made Out With Someone I Shouldn’t Have and onto I Threw A Notebook At The Wall While Yelling At My Son And Totally Feel Like A Giant Douchebag For It) I’m going to do it in “private” mode because it’s sure to be DAMN boring and I want to save those of you who don’t care about that from having to dredge through it. Anyone can read it (but be prepared - I have really stupid issues - you man feel the need to shoot me) I just want to protect the masses from the stupidity that resides in my head.
Anyway - just wanted to let you know in case you’re dying for some insight into my bizarre behavior. Or maybe you are going through the same thing and would like to share. We can talk about how stupid we are together. Or we can at least make fun of each other. That’s always healing.
Wow. So many of these same thoughts have been running through my head lately (how I seem to hold myself to some standard in life that I don’t hold others to; how I want to get my head together so I don’t model this neurotic/self-bashing/insecure/unrealistic-self-image thing to my kids, especially my daughter; how many stupid, ridiculous things I hate about myself that no one else would give a second thought to…)
I am amazed, and saddened as well, by how many people that I find really cool and awesome (yes, Zoot, I mean you!) think so poorly of themselves.
New reader here; really enjoying your blog.
I have spent the last several years battling the “feeling guilty over stupid stuff that I know I shouldn’t feel guilty over and then feeling guilty about feeling guilty about stuff that I know is stupid” thing. Vicious. Self-defeating. Cycle.
One of the things that helped me, not that this necessarily applies to you, was realizing that underneath all my guilt ridiculousness was a very real need to appear in control / on top of it all / I’m just fine, no really I’m fine / perfectly capable no matter what. And that is a mission doomed to failure. We are human. We mess up. And that’s okay.
This is easier said than done, obviously. I’m still working on it. But sometimes figuring out what is beneath a behaviour pattern is really important, you know? Writing is a good way to do that, so have at it. I’ll be reading.
Okay, I feel stupid here but after I log in to see the private entries, I don’t see the private entries.
What am I doing wrong?
As far as the guilt thing goes, I think it comes with the territory. (motherhood)
I know how you do this to yourself, and it is the one and only thing that I wish I could change about you!!!!! DAMMIT!
This has women foaming at the mouth!! For this reason: And God said, “She will be called woman. And she will carry the world’s guilt all of her life - that includes the guilt of her parents, grandparents, sons, daughters, friends, neighbors, co-workers, cashiers who check her out at Target, etc…”
HA!
I could have written this entry.
I’m with ya sister. I’ve got self-esteem issues all over the place! Can’t wait delve further…
@Nina - don’t worry! The Entry That Will Bore You To Tears Or Make Me Look KRAZEE AS SIN is coming. I wrote it last night but haven’t published it yet because I’m kinda scared!
My sprititual library consists of 3 different bibles, The Koran, Dead Sea Scrolls, the Celestine books, several Conversations with God books, selections from Deepock Chopra, and the Dali Lama. There are also a couple of sprinlklings of magic books. You are not alone there. They would make my mom have a cow.
Best of luck on your quest! I know you can do it. Believe me, you are much more awesome than you give yourself credit for.
Also, HA! I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only young mother/college student with the Celestine books and the Tibetan book of the dead on my bookshelves.
I think you are right on target here. I’m the kind of person who beats myself up for so many little things, like because I don’t clean my bathrooms every week the way my sister does. It kills me to think of my daughter ending up like me - I want her to realize that she’s worthy of love as she is, and not to feel guilty and inadequate about everything. But I know I won’t be able to help her get there if I’m not there myself. So I can really relate to this post.
I just read your guilt issues post from 2005 and boy do I relate! I’m not a mother or a wife, but I refuse to ask for help and feel weak and worthless when I do. I was thinking about that yesterday. I got light headed on my group run and ran out of Powerade. Another runner offered me some of hers and I felt guilty taking it.
At least we aren’t alone in our issues!
Well, I have the same issues, yet don’t read any books. So you’re ahead of me there.
So I’ll be right there to relate.
I am really looking forward to hearing your take on this and how it goes. I have huge guilt and “I’m not good enough” crap that goes on in my head, it will be nice to see how you are dealing with it.
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