The Happy Thought Brigade: Coming to A Blog Near You.

I was reading Julie’s latest article at Redbook where she answered several questions about her donor cycle. However, one of the questions that rung out to me was about her position on “hope” or “expectations” when waiting. As I read the question, I had a very strong response in my mind. And of course, Julie said the exact same thing I was thinking:

I will say this: Bad news is crushing whether you expect it or not. If you’ve expected that negative, or that cancellation, or that miscarriage, it’s no less devastating when it actually happens. It’s just that you’re not as surprised.

I’ve been thinking about this idea a lot since I started reading this book. Especially once I started using the ideas of affirmation to promote my own fertility success. And it’s quite a dilemma. It’s so hard to simply say those affirmative thoughts. I will have more children. It’s hard because it seems like my natural response now is to add on …hopefully. Without that response I feel like I’m being naive. And I sometimes do trick myself into thinking that the affirmations will make the pain worse and that the negative thoughts will help me cope. But you know what? that’s bullshit. Julie’s right. It doesn’t matter.

Part of me knew that last pregnancy was doomed from the start. I never really stopped bleeding, I cramped so bad, my progesterone was so low, all of these things and a general anxiety about it just made me feel doomed. And then I lost the baby. And I can promise you this: It hurt. It really hurt. I cried for a month. The constant doubt and anxiety did not prepare me for the loss. It hurt just as bad as my first miscarriage. And all of the ones following. And every time my period came the months after, I would cry again. I would be in bed and say to MrZ, behind tears, “I shouldn’t have my period. I should still be pregnant.”

So: That anxiety and negative thought pattern – although hard to control – did not reduce the pain of the loss at all. I’m calling bullshit on myself. I know I might lose the baby. You know I might lose the baby. It’s not like anyone close to me is blindly assuming all will be fine and buying clothing for said baby tomorrow. So, now that we all know this, I need to get over it already. Let’s do what the book says and think positive.

And also? Let’s not leave our damn cellphone at home when waiting for important lab results. Dumbass.

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16 Responses

  1. Cheryl says:

    Sending affirmative thoughts your way! I’ve been obsessively checking your site for news since this morning!

  2. Sonia says:

    This may sound completely whacked, but my first pregnancy resulted in miscarriage and even all this time later (12 years) I still think of that baby on what would have been my due date and it still makes me cry. Maybe because I wanted that baby so badly and was so heartbroken…I just never forget that feeling.
    So, I understand your heartache, I really do.

  3. Procrastamom says:

    Okay, I’m only thinking good thoughts for you. The glass is officially half full !

  4. Amy says:

    You are so great.

    I swear I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass and chiming in because it’s the thing to do. You are such an amazing person, it pours out of my computer screen when I read you.

    I’m not the best at praying and all that, but I am going to try to do better and send you some good thoughts because not only do you deserve all the kids you can possibly have, those little souls floating around in your heart deserve the phenomenal mom that you are.

  5. cursingmama says:

    Hoping that the positive vibes, thoughts & affirmations make it right into the heart of your new baby. If only you could explain to the baby how much it is loved already.

    Congratulations!

  6. Steff says:

    Or when it is the last day of RSVP for your childs 5th birthday party

  7. JP says:

    Have you been obsessively calling your phone to check your voicemail?

  8. Jenny H. says:

    Allright BabyZ, listen up!

    The whole blogging world is behind you and ready for your arrival(I know we have a while yet!!). We love your mama and want nothing but the best for her. So be a good fetus and help her out.

    There could be some brownies in it for you later!!

    Done. Who can resist the lure of chocolate?

    Seriously, I am sending NOTHING but positive thoughts your way. And checking my computer OBSESSIVELY for reports.

  9. callistawolf says:

    YES. I had to realize this when I was pregnant with Liam. I was scared to *death*, but I knew that negative thinking wasn’t going to make the pain of loss any less. It’s hard to force yourself to be positive in those situations. But I did my best. I’m doing my best this time around too. And I’m nothing but good positive thoughts coming your way for you and this baby.

  10. Elizabeth says:

    I am thinking good thoughts for you. I had one miscarriage, so when I was pregnant with Adriana, I was terrified, and I didn’t want to let myself get excited. But I couldn’t help being happy about being pregnant and it didn’t seem like it would be fair to the baby not be excited. Still, when I was around 11 weeks along and starting to think a few early pregnancy maternity items might be a good idea, I was reluctant. What if I miscarried again ?If I’d just bought maternity clothes, that would really suck. My husband pointed out that if I miscarried it would suck regardless of whether I’d bought the maternity clothes, and that it was unlikely that buying the clothes would actually cause a miscarriage. Which wasn’t exactly a positive thought, but it was better than what I was doing on my own. And I think I had a point to telling you this, but I’ve lost track of it.

  11. Rhonda says:

    When we were TTC, I was pregnant once and miscarried. It was a high risk pregnancy, but in spite of that, I was so excited. My family would caution me on getting my hopes up and my response was always that I’d rather have the highs of excitement to go with the lows of disappointment, if the worst happened. For crying out loud, let me get my hopes up. I miscarried, but do I regret getting excited? Of course not. I’ll never forget how happy I was when I was briefly pregnant, and I’m grateful that I got to experience that.

  12. It took me a little too long to figure out what TTC means. Der, self!

    Don’t blow smoke up Zoot’s a$$ — you’ll make BabyZ cough! ;)

    We don’t know each other, but giving you a big, squishy cyber-hug (around your shoulders; don’t wanna squish da baybay). Congratulations again. :)

  13. tiffany says:

    positive baby thoughts from michigan…

  14. zanie says:

    I thought that book looked like Louise Hay. She is divine!

    Very positive and affirmative thoughts coming your way. You deserve this happiness!

  15. Nags says:

    I guess its tough. But what’s the use in speculating. Let’s see, shall we?

  16. TammyK says:

    Positive thoughts… Being sent your way. I think half the country is with me on that one :D You’re one very popular lady Zoot!

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