I was reading Julie’s latest article at Redbook where she answered several questions about her donor cycle. However, one of the questions that rung out to me was about her position on “hope” or “expectations” when waiting. As I read the question, I had a very strong response in my mind. And of course, Julie said the exact same thing I was thinking:
I will say this: Bad news is crushing whether you expect it or not. If you’ve expected that negative, or that cancellation, or that miscarriage, it’s no less devastating when it actually happens. It’s just that you’re not as surprised.
I’ve been thinking about this idea a lot since I started reading this book. Especially once I started using the ideas of affirmation to promote my own fertility success. And it’s quite a dilemma. It’s so hard to simply say those affirmative thoughts. I will have more children. It’s hard because it seems like my natural response now is to add on …hopefully. Without that response I feel like I’m being naive. And I sometimes do trick myself into thinking that the affirmations will make the pain worse and that the negative thoughts will help me cope. But you know what? that’s bullshit. Julie’s right. It doesn’t matter.
Part of me knew that last pregnancy was doomed from the start. I never really stopped bleeding, I cramped so bad, my progesterone was so low, all of these things and a general anxiety about it just made me feel doomed. And then I lost the baby. And I can promise you this: It hurt. It really hurt. I cried for a month. The constant doubt and anxiety did not prepare me for the loss. It hurt just as bad as my first miscarriage. And all of the ones following. And every time my period came the months after, I would cry again. I would be in bed and say to MrZ, behind tears, “I shouldn’t have my period. I should still be pregnant.”
So: That anxiety and negative thought pattern – although hard to control – did not reduce the pain of the loss at all. I’m calling bullshit on myself. I know I might lose the baby. You know I might lose the baby. It’s not like anyone close to me is blindly assuming all will be fine and buying clothing for said baby tomorrow. So, now that we all know this, I need to get over it already. Let’s do what the book says and think positive.
And also? Let’s not leave our damn cellphone at home when waiting for important lab results. Dumbass.