I was posting to my profile on Workitmom.com today (Because I need to have an account on ever page in the land? Evidently?) and one of the questions was “What is the best piece of parenting advice you’ve been given.” Or something similar. I said, “It’s okay to ask for help.”
It is the best advice I’ve been given. But it also is the advice I ignore the most. I feel like if someone takes over a duty I usually do, then I am somehow a failure. If I have to ask them to do it, I feel like I’m admitting I can’t do it and why is this so hard for me?
Sometimes I tell MrZ, “I don’t need help, but I would like some appreciation.” I think that’s very true, I can handle a lot more on my plate if someone is at least grateful I’m doing it. But, if I’m doing the laundry and the dishes and the dinners and the shopping and the bathing and the…well, you get my point. If I’m doing it all - an no one even notices - or worse: they complain - it’s like it is all for nothing. The exhaustion, the sweat, the tears…for nothing.
So, I don’t want to ask for help. I want to keep doing what I’m doing, but I want everyone to see it. Notice their clothes are clean. Notice the sandwich bags are restocked. Notice the dishes are put up. Notice that baby is clean. Then, I can keep doing it all myself.
But then I think, “Isn’t that just an excuse? Shouldn’t you still ask for help?” And yes. I should. But it’s damn near impossible. Because I’m stubborn. And stubborn. And also…stubborn.
If only there was a way to ask for help without actually asking for help. That would be ideal.
The best advice I’ve received so far is to not listen to anyone else and do what you feel is best. I didn’t think much about the advice when I first had my daughter, but I soon realized that everyone has an opinion on what you should do.
I suggest a chalkboard or dry erase board with the title “THINGS I COULD USE HELP WITH”. Just make a running list of little things that need to be done that you either don’t like doing or can’t do or just need help with. Then occasionally when the men in your life sense that you’re stressed, they can look at it and pitch in a little.
Also maybe some sort of signal that could let them know that you are stressed and really need help, but don’t want to ask for it. Maybe make a construction paper traffic light and then get a little magnet. Put it on the refrigerator. When you’re okay, put it on the green… on the edge, put it on the yellow… having a meltdown, put it on the red.
Those ideas might work. You need to keep yourself sane and just remember that there ARE other people capable of doing work who live in your household. I’m sure that they want to help and make you happy. Please let them!
I’ve been wanting to order one of these:
http://www.80stees.com/products/Little-Miss-Stubborn-T-shirt.asp
Maybe you should order one too!
You could sneak over and visit Whymommy to learn the hard way to accept help. She is the smartest and most capable woman I know and has spent the better part of the past year having to learn how to accept help. And ask for help.
It’s hard.
http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com
I’m with you, duder. I hate not feeling appreciated, I hate that more than anything in the world.
Somehow, though, my family is convinced that the dishes in the dishwasher walk themselves merrily into the cupboards, the toliet paper AUTOMATICALLY refills itself, and the dirt on the floor throws itself happily into the vacuum.
Love that. Just LOVE that.
I’m voting for appreciation. I like doing it myself. Then it gets done correctly and quickly!
And everyone is happy.
I kinda have to say that ” dirt on the floor throws itself happily into the vacuum.” is one of the best phrases ever.
Zoot, you’re amazing. I do think asking for help can be a learned thing! As long as you still do it when you really need it, it’s ok to just ask for appreciation most of the time, I think.
That just may be the best advice in life. “It’s okay to ask for help.” I never do. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and twitchy and at times I even hyperventilate.