Today is NikkiZ’s last day of daycare. I’ve written numerous entries about the guilt I’ve felt having her in daycare while I worked. Things that happened that made me feel bad that she wasn’t at home with me. Things they couldn’t give her that I would if I could have been there. If you search my archives you’ll find entry upon entry about me feeling guilty I couldn’t be at home with her.
But today? I feel guilty we’re taking her away.
First of all: I will NEVER EVER say that the stay at home/daycare debate is a black and white issue. There’s no clear cut rule you can apply to every family and every daycare. In our case, it is very true that she will be losing out a bit now being at her school. I know every situation is different and the random combinations child and daycare provide different results for everyone. But I can honestly say, for us, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there are some things NikkiZ will miss from not being at daycare. If I have learned anything the last two years, I have learned that daycare has given and taught NikkiZ things that I either can’t or won’t teach her. Maybe that makes me a bad mother, or maybe that means we had an exceptional daycare. It doesn’t really matter, does it?
They gave her activities I can’t without the resources or the classroom. They gave her parades and costume days. They gave her special parties with kids and parents. They gave her art projects and performances. They gave her playgrounds and games.
But they also taught her things. It wasn’t just a babysitter like so many have said to me in the past. It was a school.
They taught her songs I don’t know. They taught her how to use a fork and a spoon and color with a crayon long before LilZ every learned it just being home with me. They taught her how to clean up after herself. They taught her how to share. They taught her to tell someone when she has a “B.M.” or if she’s just wet. She has friends she hugs and kisses everyday when she leaves. She has a teacher that she’ll love on and talk about at home. She has a lunch lady who she loves and who stresses out about finding foods NikkiZ will eat. She had much more than one person who loved and cared for her, she had several.
Som of these are things most Moms could teach or give their kids on their on. But, I just wouldn’t have had the drive or the patience. Like I said, if you’re the type of Mom who works with your child and these things early on? Good for you. I’m not. Which is why I feel guilty today.
The challenge the next few months that I will face are work related and parenting related. I have to try to make up the loss in her life by being a better Mom than I’ve ever been. I’ve always been good at playing, but not so much at teaching. She has learned so much in daycare I don’t want to take that away. So, I’ll try to find ways to make up for that. But I just want to say, for those who have their kids in daycare and who don’t feel guilty about it. I’m one of you. I felt guilty about not being there for my daughter, but I feel more guilty today knowing that she was learning things there she wouldn’t have learned here with me.
Now – I have to challenge myself to make up for that. And I don’t know if I have it in me. And MrZ is really unsure, which doesn’t do much for my ego. He keeps talking about what all NikkiZ will miss out on. Like I need to be reminded. But – I guess I just wanted to let every Daycare Mom know that it’s not as bad as the naysayers say. Daycare is not always about babysitting. It’s not always just a person who keeps your child alive while you work. If you’re as lucky as we were, you’ll find an amazingly nurturing environment where you child can grow and learn in ways not every Mom is capable of providing at home. If you’re a Mom who can? Good for you. I hope to become more like you in the next few months.
We were lucky. And I guess I thought I’d be the first Mom ever to actually discuss how she feels guilty about keeping her child at home with her. I feel guilty for taking away the classroom she has come to love and the kids she calls her friends. I know there are programs we could join or groups we could find – but she won’t have the 5-days-a-week peer group she has grown quite attached to. I feel guilty that I may be thwarting her learning process because I’m not sure if I can teach the things they did. And if these things win me the Worst Mom Of The Year Award, so be it.
Just guessing here, but I’m thinking being a mom is all about it being a learning experience. And you needn’t doubt what a great mom you are! Just yesterday we had a story about how great LilZ is. Not perfect, mind you, but great – which is even better. (Perfect kids make me anticipate the inevitable meltdown.) Depending how the work goes and the money situation, maybe you can put her back in for a day or two per week. No matter what, I know you’ll do the right thing for your family. Cuz you rule like that!
I think you are a GREAT mom and it sound slike you had a wonderful place for NikkiZ. You will not be thwarting her learning process, she will just be learning different things. She’ll be close to preschool age soon-ish? Then you can get back a couple of mornings a week of peer time for her and work time for you, well, until this baby is born…hmmm.
i’m sure you’ll do a great job zoot, you always seem to make the best outta any situation..!
love the new favicon by the way
She’ll do great at home with you. I totally know how you feel though. I’ve stayed at home since my son was born (Almost!) 3 years ago and I sometimes feel guilty for NOT putting him in some sort of daycare/pre school situation a few days a week. I think it’s good for them to learn the social skills of being around other kids. That’s definitely something we’re missing out on. Thank goodness for our Moms Group.
But, she won’t know what she’s missing out on, I even suspect that she’ll really enjoy spending so much time with you. Especially before Andy Z comes into the picture!
Wow. What a situation. I bet there is no way that she could go like once a week? Yeah I didn’t think so. I wish you all the luck on this new chapter, stay at home while working mom. It is going to be a challenge and I am sure you will be fine.
I realized early on with Puddin that that the hidden advantage of daycare were all the things you list. I had not idea how when they were ready to learn what and would have severally underestimated when a toddler could do things like learn letters or animal sounds, or use fork, or wash their own hands. My girls teachers have always been better at moving them through the paces than I ever would have been. And they just plain have more fun there than they would if I kept them home with me.
Like you said, there’s no one answer that works for everybody. I think that even though you’re taking her out of daycare now, you should remember all those things she learned by being in daycare all that time. Those things — AND having you for a mom — have given her a great start in life. Even though there might be a period of adjustment (for bothe of you), I think once thngs settle down you’ll both be fine.
When I used to get laid off from work – and there were too many to count, I would have to take the kids out of the day care or after school programs, and they cried! They were upset with me because they were leaving the one place they loved to go to. I felt bad for making them go there because I worked and they were sad to not go when I had no jobs. Go figure.
Mother’s day out is the way to go. I even have some friends who teach at the programs. Most do not require a teaching degree. The hours vary but, give the children around 3 hours a day.
Great post – I feel the same way. My 2.5 yr old has been home with me for the past 6 months and has begun asking each morning to go to school. Obviously I’m not giving her what she needs. I’ve been trying for a month to find a preschool for her.
My son is 7 and is the most advanced in his class. My daughter is 3 1/2 and can write her name…and I didn’t teach either of them anything.
I never had a “classroom” setting at home, and I never set out to intentionally teach them things. We’d mess around on the chalk board and sometimes I’d get bored and draw a circle or a square, and they’d copy it. Other times I’d goof around and seperate the m and m’s into colors just to be silly. We love reading together and spend a lot of time rolling around tickling each other.
What I’m trying to say is that even though you’re feeling guilty, you’ll do great. Children who have parents who just PLAY with them do so much better than children whose parents do not.
It sounds like a great place, except that part about teaching kids to say they have a “BM.” That is just GRODY. I don’t know why, but I’ve always hated that nomenclature with a passion for some reason.
W/r/t daycare, you guys don’t have to go cold turkey. Two mornings a week at a church-based program is usually dirt cheap. She needs the socialization and non-mom-based stimulation, and most WAHMs need at least a couple of kid-free blocks of time each week to do things like conference calls, etc.
I understand a little bit of where you are coming from. My 11 month old is in daycare and I struggle with the guilt. But then days like today where the teacher is waiting at the door for him with big smiles saying how happy she is that he is there. I can only imagine all the things he will learn in the next couple of years there. But I also know that my sister’s kids picked up a lot of not so good habits from the other kids in daycare. Things I don’t want Bear to know for a long time. Plus the germs. It is a trade off. When we have our next one I am going to stay home and I am a little sad to think about taking Bear out of a daycare that loves him but he will be home with a Momma that loves him. And besides, I can always use Mother’s Day out for a few half days of peace and for him to get a chance to socialize with other kids.
I’m sure you’re going to be great at this. I don’t think you have to “teach” her. Kids learn through play. Just play – make up silly games. She’ll learn along the way.
don’t sweat it, dude. my kid would be bored out of his mind if I stayed home with him. and NikkiZ will be in pre-school before you know it. Just think of this as some hang time with Mom.
You can make learning part of everyday life. While you are driving down the road count the yellow signs, point out the green trees, etc. Talk to her as you are shopping and count things as you put them in the cart. There are thousands of opportunities in your daily life to teach something. I was a SAHM and now work in a daycare so I’ve been on both sides of the fence. There are tons of great websites that have worksheets and even curriculum’s on them. Two of my favorites are http://www.Starfall.com and http://www.letteroftheweek.com/preschool_age_3.html . Don’t let letter of the week intimidate you, it has a lot of great ideas and you don’t have to do the whole thing.
(((hugs))) I totally understand where you are coming from, both of my boys went to daycare from the time they were 2 mo old and I think I realized how great it was that they were getting that extra learning and attention when my oldest was 4 and had been at a new daycare less than two weeks and was reciting the Pledge of Allegiance from the back seat of my car! You will do great, no worries!
I completely understand where you are coming from. While I would love to be a stay at home mom so I could spend more time with my kids, I’m having a really hard time deciding what to do with my oldest once the second one arrives. His day care is too pricey to send both kids to but I would like to have them in the same place. Yet, I don’t want to take him out of a school where he seems to be really thriving. If only I could find that tree that grows money…
My 6 year old goes to school year round (except for the month of August) and last summer, I thought briefly about keeping him home. His experience at his school seems to mirror NikkiZ’s experience, so I sent him back to school then. I felt GUILTY, like you did, about keeping him home when I wasn’t able to do as much as they do.
Seems like no matter WHAT we do, we’re always riddled with guilt. I suppose this is what being a parent is all about.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you are a GREAT mom and whatever you have to do, you’ll make it work. You have 2 great kids, and that’s because of you and Mr.Z!
Like you, I’ve always had guilt about not being able to stay home and teach my boys myself, but I carry the insurance and to daycare they go. I know they’re getting so much more than I could ever give them! My issue right now is that I have a job opportunity in a different town, and keeping them in the current center will not be an option (it would be a 20 mile trip to daycare, not 2 miles). So, even though they’ve bonded with these wonderful ladies for more than a year, I might have to uproot them and take them to a new center. I seriously have a hard time thinking about doing this, as the boys love everyone so much right now, and I know they are loved tons in return! If the job happens, then I will just suck it up and move them, but if it doesn’t happen, then I know they are happy and healthy and learning tons right where they are!
You are a great mom and NikkiZ will LOVE being home with you!
I think that knowing your limitations as well as your strengths makes you a great Mom.
Geesh – I wish Mom’s would ease up on each other so that they would be able to ease up on themselves. You want to know who will win Worst Mother of the Year award? It might be the mom who, 10 years after the fact, is telling everyone connected to her and her child (who has been growing up in foster care) that the child ruined her life by reporting physical abuse, further traumatizing the child and making her imminent entry in to adulthood that much more isolated. And that’s just last night’s story; today will bring another one. You? In my book you win Normal Mother of the Year, raising two happy, well-adjusted and safe children who know they are loved and that they have a place as the center of your world… Stepping off the soap box now.
Thanks for this entry. And I agree, there are things my kids learn at “school” that there is no way I could teach my kids…my almost two year can count to ten in English and Spanish…and there is no way she would have learned that from me!
Okay Kim,
Here’s the deal. NikkiZ has a GREAT foundation to work with. She loves to learn..I know because I have seen the videoes of her with her letter puzzle. At this point you don’t need to do anything. She will find ways to learn even if those ways include making the biggest mess you have ever seen. I worked daycare and the reason kids learn more basic skills there is because the teachers have to teach them in order to survive. And like you said teachers have way more resources and other teachers to give them ideas. But you will do wonderful. NikkiZ is a bright beautiful girl and if she has to stay home until kindergarten she will still be a bright beautiful girl.
I’ve been slowly pursuing the idea of staying home full time, and I know I would feel the same way about it if I were to pull Rosie out of daycare. I’d love the opportunity to stay home with her, but I’d also recognize that there would be so much missing — the things you described (parades, group parties, access to different types of activities, etc.)
But so much about parenting is not black and white. It’s just nice to hear from another mom who really feels that way too.
As someone whose had the full gammut (in-home, center and I’ve been SAHM) there’s less “teaching” when it’s just you. You don’t set out to teach how to do X, you just do it – and she’ll get the hang up it sooner or later. As for the cleaning up, I agree – schools teach that waaay better than I could of. And! they have a song that goes with it. I never had a song. One recommendation – make sure to get out of the house every. single. day. even if it’s just a walk around the block.
I have to say, we’ve had a similar experience in (I refuse to even call it day care) preschool. It wasn’t my preferred choice, but it’s been better than I ever expected (see: my four year old reading… I stayed home with MY mother and I did not read at four).
BUT… Like you said, there is no one right way to do it. I know you’ll find ways to nurture and teach her too. It might not be in the exact same way or order day care would do it, but that doesn’t make it any less valuable.
I too feel like my son’s daycare gives him things I can’t. A PP suggested this, but perhaps sending NikkiZ there only one or two days a week would work? I know cost may be a factor, but some kind of socialization–be it at daycare or some other organized toddler activity–sounds like a good plan for everyone involved…including you. I’m thinking you might miss some of the away-from-the-kids time as a SAHM…because everyone needs it!
You know, I always imagined that I would be a SAHM. It didn’t work out that way. So, off my daughter went to the evil day care center after my six month maternity leave was up (very generous leave time, I know). Just like you, I learned after awhile that my daughter was so much better off there than she would be with me. They do all of the things that you describe, and more. I do think that she’s a better person for having one there. And, now, when my husband and I talk about my staying home if we have a second, I worry about the lack of advantages that the second child would receive. I would never have dreamed that my opinions would turn 180 degrees, but they have. I’ve got to say, our day care is worth every penny.
Please do not give your child worksheets.
When my son was in the Three Year Old room, his teacher got a job at a grade school in another town. I started crying when I heard about her leaving because she was the one who taught him how to write his name.
Don’t feel guilty. She’ll get enough time with friends and teachers when she goes to The Big School. Just give her lots of hugs and smooches. *Then* you can glance toward the TV and say, “Do I hear the Backyardigans?!”
I have faced this several times with my two kids. Decisions to homeschool our 10 year old back and forth and et cetera. It was agonizing to think of taking a 3rd grader away from his peer group at school. Just remember though, I love reading your blog because you make everything seem so adventurous and fun. I know that we don’t see it all here on the page, but I see how wonderfully LilZ has turned out and I can only imagine how much NikkiZ will benefit from being with you. And on the pratical side, Crayola.com is a great site for fun art stuff that is secretly educational. Birth to Kindergarten is my educational specialization if I can be of any help to you. Have fun!
Steph
thank you.
I cried at my desk three times yesterday over this very issue so I realllly appreciate you saying how great daycare can really be!
I think what you have illustrated so well is there are +’s and -’s to everything we do as parents. And there are tradeoffs too. High as well as low expectations that are either met or they aren’t. Learning how to keep the guilt-0-meter running over isn’t something that everyone manages in the same way.
The important thing in what you say here is this is YOUR child, YOUR decision and YOUR life. You’ll make it work and if you follow your gut on most things, I bet your guilt will decrease a bit each time.
It’s definitely an area with more grey than black and white, that’s for sure!
Hi. Just throwing in my two cents about NikkiZ and daycare. Like you, I had a wonderful daycare provider, she taught my children to speak Spanish! That is something I could never have done. I am suggesting to you, that you keep NikkiZ in that daycare 1 day a week (if you can). This way, you and she both have a day away from each other. This will be essential when you are REALLY pregnant if you need to meet with people on projects? While I was looking for a job, I kept the younger baby at home with me and his big brother went to daycare. Rain or shine! Just a thought.
I agree with you on this one. There is no clear answer, and as parents, we have to do what is best for our children and family. My kids were both in daycare. Financially, we both needed to work, especially when we lived in California. I also realized that it was good for me to work because I need that structure. I take every moment I can to be with my kids when I’m not working. They both learned so much in daycare. I think that NikkiZ won’t lose out on anything. You two will just find your routine and what is best for you. Look at LilZ, and what a fantastic job you have done with him.
I haven’t read all the other comments yet, but I just have to say that I completely understand. I would never dream of not sending my kids to daycare now, although now their class is technically called Pre-Kindergarten, but I wouldn’t have taken them out a couple years ago, either. They got so much from the interaction with other people, children and adults. Having so many people to care for them and give them attention IN ADDITION to me seems to have just made them feel very secure and good-natured. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom…but only for the first year, maybe two. After that, I like the result of what my boys have shown me learning-focused daycares provide. I hope you can get the support you need to continue the efforts of your daycare for NikkiZ.
I TOTALLY know how you feel. My daughter, Toots, was at home with her dad for the first year. Then, she went to daycare for a year. I lost my job in July and just couldn’t stand to pull her out. We kept her in one day a week until November. It killed me to pick her up that last day. She is a totally social kid and really thrived on the structure at daycare. We do storytime and a class once a week, but it just isn’t the same. I feel like the worst parent ever when I get to dinner time and realize we haven’t even done any art today!
I wasn’t meant to be a teacher, but I can try to be the best mom I can be. On the plus side, there is nothing better than being with your kid when they do something new or discover something they love. You will do great. Best of luck!
This is a wonderful post. Like you, I would not be able to give my children everything that they get at daycare. I think even the most amazing stay-at-home mother would have trouble doing that. I have long since given up feeling guilt about daycare. I know my children are well taken care of, and honestly, that break from childcare does wonders for my own ability to mother. There are still days when I wish I were a stay-at-home mom, though. I wish the very best of luck and hope that the transition proves to be as easy as possible!
If I were a rich woman, I would stay and home AND send Al to daycare. Both situations have so many benefits. Fortunately, I really like Al’s daycare, and like you, I can admit that they have taught him things that I (a teacher, btw) wouldn’t/couldn’t have. He just turned 2, and the other day, he told me that his shirt was blue. What the? I didn’t teach him that–I didn’t even realize that 2-year-olds could identify colors by name.
Yes, this is me loving on the daycare. And at the same time, I envy your opportunity to spend part of the toddler years at home.
This is also a PRIME example of how motherhood is just one big ol’ guilt trip. You send her to daycare? GUILT! You stay home with her? GUILT!
We can’t win…
Oh Zoot, I so much hear what you are saying. I have a daughter NikkiZ’s age, and a 3 month old. When our second came along, we knew we were stretching it financially to put two kids in daycare. We went from full time to part time care then actually seriously looked at our finances, The fantastic institution she had been attending wouldn’t allow 2 days a week attendance and we couldn’t afford any more- so now I am home with the kids. I’ll freely admit that I cried the day we took her out of daycare. And I know so many people long to be able to stay home with their kids that I feel strange admitting it’s not my dream job by a long shot. I feel like I am walking a constant tightrope of mood swings and tantrums and newborn demands.
I am avidly reading how you deal with your new situation- I am tring to set up a business from home (so that we can afford at least part time daycare) and I feel like I am drowning not waving right now. I am hoping to be inspired by you, as I’m sure you’ll get it figured out. I feel a stab of guilt whenever my daughter asks to go to school, or talks about one of her teachers. They were great for her and I don’t feel I can compete. I can’t do new activities every half hour, even achieving one thing a day seems monumental! There’s a danger we’ll end up at Target everyday…
That is so true of many daycares. Even the most motivated and high energy moms can’t compete with the other kids interacting or the activities that can only be done in such an environment. We recently went through this. AS a (expensive but worthwhile) compromise our daughter goes 2 days a week now. Fortunately our wonder place maintains a few part-time slots in each class. Good luck zoot.
First of all, if the stories you tell about LilZ are any indication of your parenting skills then your kids will be just fine, and will grow up to be very cool adults.
Having said that, I totally know how you feel. I always thought I’d be a stay at home mom with five kids, but as it turned out my husband stays home, and he is SO much better than me. When I stayed home over summer break I felt like I was intruding and messing up their routine. But I wouldn’t trade the time for anything.
Stay at home parenting is a tough gig because our expectations are so high. Try to relax and enjoy this time you have with your little ones, it will all be worth it
(catching up! new job has had me crazy busy!)
Amen! Amen, amen, amen, and amen.
For almost 18 months my daughter cried every day at drop off. And I felt awful. She was always fine five minutes after I left. And she knew most of her colors by 21 months and all of them by 2 years. She is so SMART! I don’t know that I would have been able to recognize her need for more information and given her the stimulation she needed had I stayed home with her. She would have been bored at home with me! We are blessed to have found such a warm, nurturing, stimulating place for her. Also, at 2 she is more independent and confident than I was at 5 when I started kindergarten after being home with my mom my whole life.
You’ll both be fine. She’ll start preschool soon enough. Be grateful for the time you’ll have with her, just the two of you, before AndyZ is born.
Thank you for writing this! I am sitting at home, right this very moment, searching the Internet with “mother guilt” as key words—which is what brought me to your page. I completely understand how you feel. I am a teacher and had to keep my 20-month-old enrolled in daycare this summer (while I’m off work for a few weeks)…..let me rephrase that….I had to keep PAYING for daycare otherwise we lose his spot while I’m off for a few weeks. Anyway, I still send him at least 2 days a week while I’m home. I’ve thought a lot about this and I don’t do this because we’re paying for it or because I want the extra time (both would be valid, however). I send him because he truly, truly LIKES his school. He loves his teachers and has little friends he plays with and sings songs with. They go on “field trips” to visit the campus “grandparents” (It’s a center that houses a daycare as well as an aging care center). Sometimes when I pick him up he doesn’t want to leave. He’s comfortable there and, like you, I see that they have taught him so much. I, too, teach him things, but they have taught him so many things that I don’t know that I would have even thought of. Yes, I am a teacher…which may be why I’d also like a few days off during the summer where I don’t have to teach anybody!
He’s learning so much positive social behavior, too. We almost pulled him out this year (long story) and I, too, agonized over it and felt the guilt. So, it’s one more year…. Again, THANK YOU for putting your thoughts into words. You are not the only one who feels this way. I do, however, believe that there are reasons for everything and know that your little one will do wonderfully home with you. One day it will be back to school and the cycle will start all over again! Enjoy! 