Notice the concentration. She takes her art very seriously.
I told MrZ last night that yesterday was one of the hardest parenting days I’ve had with NikkiZ. This was after two failed attempts to get her to sleep at night and me finally begging him to be the one that leaves her crying in her crib. He did - and this time she only cried for about 5 minutes before going to sleep. She hasn’t given us a problem at night bedtime in months. That was out of the blue and completely indicative of the fact that so many of you said: She has my number. Yes. Yes she does.
So - yesterday was very hard. And do you know what he said? He said, “Really? How so?”
Life would be easier if he would read my blog.
I’m worried that this transition will be just as hard on us as on me alone. I was trying to let him get some NikkiZ time last night while I worked. She was crying for me and I heard him say, “Honey, mommy needs a break. You have to play with me now.” And I lost my shit. To him? That’s the truth. And in reality? It’s not that far from it. But to me? I’m upset because I’m afraid she’s hearing, “Your mommy can’t handle being your mom 24-hours-a-day so I have to take over for her sometimes since she’s inadequate and possibly doesn’t even like you that much.”
I know - right? He probably shouldn’t have phrased it like that - but there was no need for me to freak out and panic that my daughter was going to think I hated her. It’s like my insecurities have gotten nine million times worse in the last two weeks. And I didn’t think that was possible. I’m suddenly worried that my husband is going to think I’ve got it easy and cushy while he’s slaving away at work, so I try to have measurable tasks to present when he gets home. Like library books and artwork. Proof we did something. I get up before he does and I try my best to stay up later, just to “prove” myself to him. And does he ask for any of this? No. But, will he get yelled out if he even tries to imply his day is harder? Yes. Last night he said he wanted to sit on the couch because he was tired and I immediately started crying.
Again - I’m an awesome wife.
So, I guess I’m turning this blog into a place where I vent my anxieties and insecurities because every time I do, many of you pipe up and say, “Me Too.” And for some reason, the KRAZEE feels a lot less extreme when we’re all feeling it together.
I feel you, honey. And I like to say “It will get better”, but maybe on this one the right thing is “It will feel better”, because I think the men don’t think anything is wrong. It’s just a woman thang. Day Two begins.. break a leg.
Do you remember MY ex??? I did this stuff for HIM!!! WHY??? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… it’s they only reason that ever makes me wish I were not a girl! It’s the curse of being a woman.
me too!!!!!!
My husband is out of the house 11-12 hours a day, thereby leaving me home alone with the toddler all those long, lonesome hours. Now, dont’ get me wrong, I LOVE being home with her, but MY GOD, some days JUst. Never. End. And when he gets home I run for the bedroom to pee in peace and read an aritcle in a magaizine or something - anythign to give myself a little alone time before the bedtime routine starts. And when my little girl cries and her daddy says “mommy needs a break, you have to play with me now” it’s all I can do somedays from loosing my shit. Dont’ ask what I’m loosing my shit over, but man, do I loose it.
Like the person above said - it’s hard to say it will acutally get better, but you’ll both find your natural rythms and find a solution that works for the two of you and in time things will feel much smoother around the house.
Good luck, Zoot. You’re an awesome mom, and wife, don’t doubt that!
It will be an adjustment period for all of you. It may seem like it gets worse before it gets better, but everything has an upswing. You will both get used to the daytimes and the naps and the play time. Pretty soon this will be nothing a blogging memory!
Your awesome, don’t sweat it. It is an adjustment that takes time. Don’t worry about needing “you time”, my husband works all day and when he comes home, I let the kids crawl and go to him. I figure it’s good for my sanity and it makes him feel good.
The big thing that you have to remember, and I know this is hard for you, is that it’s OKAY, even GOOD to rely on Mr. Z. NikkiZ will grow up to have a better relationship with her father and to expect more from the men in her life because of it.
The only assvice I’ll give (and I KNOW it’s assvice LOL) is that you have to suck it up sometimes and be the mean mommy. The sooner you get her on a solid schedule (wake up time, breakfast time, lunch, naptime, wake up from naptime, supper, bed), the sooner you’ll all be more relaxed. Having a set time in the evening when Mr. Z is in charge of her will help. You don’t have to have every little thing scheduled, but take it from someone who’s been a SAHM for five years and a WAHM for one - SCHEDULE, SCHEDULE, SCHEDULE!
he said it right and in a way she could understand don’t worry she doesn’t contort what daddy says about you. she knows you are tired she knows daddy has to do his part in raising her to but she doesn’t know the balance and apparently you two don’t know it either.
We’re all freaks, it’s true
In other news, that’s a really great picture!
I’m with you, but to me, it’s the phrasing of the statement that all dads make that bothers me. “Mommy needs a break, you need to play with me.”
Because to me this implies that if we didn’t need a break, they wouldn’t be playing with their children. (And yes, I do yell at my husban for that!) As far as I’m concerned, what they should be saying is, “But mommy gets you all day and I had to be gone. I want to play with you now!” And then they should come up with something so fabulous and fun that all I hear from the other room is the giggling happiness of my child. Of course, all my husband ever comes up with is “let’s watch a video.” Which usually ends when my son decides it’s much more fun to run into the bathroom and submerge his arms in mommy’s bubble bath.
I tell my kids that I need a break all the time. It hasn’t scarred them yet.
Moms need breaks…kids need to know this. It makes you a better mom and she knows it.
I am like this in all areas of my life. I have to work the hardest, be up the earliest, be at work the earliest, stay the latest, stay up the latest because then and only then will I be good enough and worthy of a job and a husband and a daughter. Which I know, rationally, is batshit crazy, but my guilt at not ever being 100 percent in one place forces me to prove myself in other ways.
And it sounds like you’re the same. If you figure this out, please let me know. Because I may go insane or die from fatigue.
You did need a break and I think it is okay for her to hear that. She needs to learn that everyone needs some quiet time and that she has two parents who love her and they are equally good at taking care of her–different but equal. We all need breaks and we can’t be wonder women and men.
You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. It isn’t a competition. There are days when I am home with my daughter when we don’t get out of our pajamas and she hasn’t “learned” anything other than it is okay to sit around and relax some days.
When my husband asks that question, I leave him with her all day on a Saturday with a list of a few simple chores he has to get done. I tell he can relax all day while I go and do the grocery shopping and other errands. I usually get a cell phone call a few hours later asking when I am going to get home.
On another note, one of the things I did to help my daughter learn her colors–sort laundry into like colors. We would do it together and then we would stuff the colors into the washer by color (we have a front loader).
Oh, NikkiZ is freaking out because her schedule has changed - change always freaks kids out. Just give her a routine and give it a little time. She’ll adjust, you’ll adjust, Mr.Z will adjust and things will settle down. This is a huge change for all of you. Cut yourselves a little slack.
This is absolutely 100% how my days go. I worry that I’m not doing enough for my kids, although I’m spending every single one of their waking minutes with them. I am so ready for a break from them after being with them non-stop for twelve hours and my husband just doesn’t *get it*. When I ask for help and tell him I am tired, he just launches into how tired he is and how far he had to commute to work. I have been frustrated and disappointed enough evenings after my husband comes home that now I am trying to just continue to be the parent in charge and go ahead and give them baths and put them to bed and do it my way, nice and early, instead of waiting for him to chill out and relax before he’s ready to deal with the kids. Being the mom is not fair, you get the burden of every moment of these kids’ lives on your shoulders and dads just don’t get it.
Me!Too!
But you already knew that.
Try not to stress so much about this. Much easier said than done, I know, because I stress about everything. But you KNOW your children love you and your husband loves you. You don’t have to prove yourself to them and earn their love. You already have it. Take a deep breath and remind yourself when you start feeling like you’re falling apart.
My husband stays home with our kids and sometimes I feel like I need a break from them when I’m only around them for a couple of hours in the evening! And weekends are hard on us all, in a way. The kids are off routine because I’m there messin’ things up (which is particularly upsetting for the 2 1/2 year old, who thrives on routine and structure) . You being there all day with NikkiZ probably feels like a big weekend to her right now. She’s used to mommy being at home meaning “Play time!” It’s just going to take some time for both of you to establish your routine and set some boundaries.
The crying might be part of being, you know, pregnant? I’ve cried at the drop of a hat these last few weeks, mostly surprising others and annoying the heck out of myself.
Give yourself a break. You’re still figuring out what your new schedule is!
My husband tries to hard to acknowledge that he knows it is hard to be home all day with a 16 month old. He comes home and usually takes over for a little while to give me a break (okay my break is usually cooking dinner but I get to do it without her hanging on my leg). I don’t know if he really believes or gets that it is hard being a mom 24/7 or if he is just afraid I will lose my shit and rip off his head if he questions it - but he makes me feel like I am doing a hard and important job.
I so feel for you right now. I went through a similar job upheaval several years ago and this is going to be an extremely challenging time for you. It will all work out fine, but in your head you will beat yourself up and question everything and get depressed and frustrated and anxious.
I too have a tendency to be very very self-critical and after a while it brings the KRAZEE and makes me mad at other people because of what I think they might think, etc.
The only thing you can do is take a step back and cut yourself some slack. You are obviously a very good mother and devoted to your family. Your are dealing with multiple things, job change, pregnancy, full time child care, etc. IT IS A LOT TO COPE WITH.
You deserve kudos yourself for stepping up to the plate and simultaneously working and taking care of Nikki Z. I recommend a daily bubble bath in which you chant a list of all the things you are doing right.
You are not crazy (or even krazee), just understandably overwhelmed at your new situation. Oh, and you’re pregnant–did you know that? Tears are required!
You’re doing fine, really. Both you & NikkiZ are going to need some time to adjust. I agree with other commenters that the sooner you get on a set routine, so NikkiZ knows what to expect, the easier things will get on both of you. She’s used to a routine at daycare, now she’s trying to figure out what this being at home with Mommy thing is about.
And don’t let MrZ’s phrasing get under your skin–you DID need a break, and that is completely okay. He may work very hard at work, but you are also working very hard at home–staying at home with your child & trying to work at the same time is FAR harder than just going to work, and he should understand that. If he doesn’t, you need to help him understand that–maybe let him try to work from home one day & watch NikkiZ while you take a day off (spa day??)? Could be a real eye-opener, if he’s never done it.
Sending big hugs your way. It will be okay, it really will.
Well, I’m not a mom yet, and so certainly not a SAHM. So, all I can say is - I can only imagine how hard it is. I don’t know how I would manage. But I DO know that if I were SAHWM-ing and my husband were working outside the home, I would *certainly* take any stray comment or wrong turn-of-phrase to heart as “you’ve got it so easy” or “you’re not working as hard as I am” when, in fact, I think that any SAHWM is working even more than those who work outside the home… This is all just conjecture and opinion, of course, but - I sympathize and really do think it sounds like you’re doing a great job!
Hang in there, Zoot. You’re a great Mom. An inspiration to many, ’specially me.
It’ll get easier, just draw your boundaries and stick to them.
It’s interesting, the latest psychology research says “venting” is overrated — that it’s kind of like wallowing in the problem instead of trying actively to solve it. The “happiness” researcher Martin Seligman — who I’m writing an article about right now — says it’s better to concentrate your energy on stopping the negative self-talk and destructive thought patterns dead in their tracks when you notice them. Kind of like, What Would Louise Hay Do?
:::good vibes:::
When I started staying home with my then three year old, I wanted to rip my hair out. I was so used to doing tasks that I could be “good” at, and here I was, stuck debating which dishsoap worked better. It was a hard adjustment, and he ended up back at school for both of our sanities.
It does, however, get better.
My mom used to tell me herself that she needed a break and I had to play alone. I don’t remember thinking much of anything at the time. (Well, except for maybe that I HATED to play alone.) When I got older, I realized that kids are extremely difficult and that she deserved way more then that occasional break. In other words, I don’t think I was scarred and I know that I never thought she loved me any less.
Good luck with all this. I’ve found that transitions, of any sort, are hard. I’m twenty-eight and I know I still cry when my routine changes. :0)
I still send my son to day care because I don’t have the patience to deal with him all day. That makes me feel like a bad parent.
And I also try to find tasks that will show my husband that I didn’t sit around all day eating bon bons. Funny how women think they have to prove themselves to their working husbands.
You really put into words something I have been struggling with recently- measurable tasks to prove we did something with our day. I appreciate it. When I can put something into words I immediately feel better.
I think admitting to our kids and ourselves we need a break is something we have to learn to do. When I started SAHMing after two years as a working mom I kind of freaked about how I was spending my time. Now I am a bit more relaxed and unfazed if all we do is watch TV. We do stuff on other days. LOL.
I’m right there with you.
No one will ever understand how much work you do when you are a SAHM (except other moms). I also do that thing where I feel like I HAVE to prove how hard I worked all day and how much I got done. Even though my husband could care less.
The weird thing to me is that days when my husband stays home are even harder. How can that be? And yet it is.
I never thought i would look back on things that used to seem so boring to me (my old job, sitting on a plane for hours) with such fondness. Oh, how I did not appreciate all that time to do nothing.
The people that are usually hardest on us are… ourdamnselves.
Look, Wonder Woman - your professional world has been flipped around and you are doing your best to cope, but it just doesn’t happen overnight. Add a pregnancy, a teenager, a toddler, and a marriage to that and you’ve got probably the hardest job you’ve ever been handed to date.
I don’t know you personally, but it seems to me like you’re the type that, when presented with a challege, you rise to the occasion every time. So do that Wonder Woman thing… and book a prenatal massage at Terrame out 4 weeks to give yourself something to look forward to.
You are doing well and trying SO hard. Just keep it up a little while longer and you’ll see some cohesiveness start to form. It will becasue it must!
And we are all rooting for you!
Men who work do not understand what it is like to be all alone with a toddler(s) all day and probably never will. When you add trying to do another job while being a full time mother it’s very difficult. That doesn’t mean you’d trade it for anything or that you lover your child less. Mr.Z needs to be more sensitive and maybe you do too. I’m sure he is feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders (crazy man pride) and can’t see all that you’re going through. It will get easier. I always make the evening time with daddy (you have to insist on it) about the importance of time with daddy and not about me needing a break. Like all the other routines, if you stick to it, it’ll be habit a.k.a. non issue before you know it.
I worked at home fulltime with my son until he was 13 months old, then got fired. I was so happy to be let go! But then I realized I would probably have to start taking on more of the “home” stuff while husband was working.
Although I know in my head he works all day, he also has the chance to hang out and talk to people and surf the internet and goof off. And he travels for work so I am home overnight with the boy (and soon to be new baby) by myself. So I don’t feel at all bad when he is around doing things like sleeping late or running away and leaving him in charge for a few hours.
You definitely need time to yourself and if you don’t take it, you will end up batshit krazee. So don’t feel bad about not doing it all. None of us can!
honey, we’re all feel it together….plus some of us are gestating..that would be you…let us not forget the time I cried for three hours because the man asked me if I would be doing laundry…you are transitioning while pregnant…you the man baby.
Yep. Me too. My husband worked from home last week with me and the baby. I can tell that he has more sympathy for me now. On Friday evening he took the baby out for a walk to give me a break and he brought home flowers.
So maybe MrZ should stay home with you a few days! Ha!
Oh, it’s damaging to children to tell them to “GO AWAY FROM MOMMY RIGHT NOW”. Well, I suppose my kid is already damaged then, oh well!
Seriously, after one of those days where you can complete NOT ONE of your intended tasks for the day, you need to be able to say that.
I’m going to be very Southern right now- “Bless your heart!”
I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost 3 years now and I do the same thing alot. Sometimes there are just those days and it makes me crazy and feeling guilty all at once.
I can offer you nothing but hugs. Because I’m not a mother, but my sister-in-law is a SAHM and I can tell you, you are not alone.
Just remember you are a FANTASTIC mother and you are doing a great job! Hang in there!
It sure seems like a sudden combination of many things, including the crying at bedtime. For us, that just about made us crazy–where did this come from? Why? She just suddenly started it one night because she wanted to sleep in our bed with us (no, no, no!) every night and had determined that crying endlessly would git ‘er done. At first we gave in, and when we tried to go back to the hard line of just letting her cry, it was even worse. We finally had to bite the bullet and let her cry. I would, however, go in about every 10 minutes and say I understood that she wanted to sleep in our bed and it wasn’t going to happen. She could keep crying, but she had to learn to sleep in her own bed “like a big girl.” Maybe that finally sank in. After about 5 (tough) days, she just stopped. It’s tough to be a parent, isn’t it?
The hardest thing for me to deal with was realizing that I need my own “alone” time or “quiet” time to keep my sanity, and that didn’t make me a bad parent. It’s just part of being who I am. Like when I visit family–I can only take so much, then I have to retreat and be by myself for a while.
You are truly awesome. You just have a lot going on right now.
Me. Too.
The effed up thing, at least in my head, is that my husband makes a lot more money than I do. So I often feel like I have to kill myself to make it even. By doing so, I am just making myself nuts. And I wonder why I take on so much at the same time and then feel like locking myself in the bathroom to cry.
I need therapy.
Zoot, Sarcastic Mom says her son Braden (about age 2) really loves this bubble machine. Here’s the post URL: http://sarcasticmom.com/?p=198
Maybe NikkiZ and MrZ need something fun to do together at the end of the day. Bubbles, anyone?
You know what drives me bonkers? When my husband calls being home alone with the kids “babysitting”. I wanted to scream at him, “do you get paid? because I sure as hell don’t!” I had to convince myself (and it took forever) that the phrasing meant little as long as I got the help I needed. Many times I will huff around the house getting everything done and he is just sitting there. When I go crazy on him he says, “I thought you would tell me if you wanted help.” Then I feel stupid. I am convinced men are wired differently and I just attribute it to that.
Hang in there…everyone else is right…you have a lot going on right now. Everyone being fed and washed at the end of the day sounds like victory to me!!
Can I join you on that path? I’m a SAHM and my hubby has spent 5 weeks in the past two months away on business! I am totally going ape shit Krazee!
not crazy honey, just pregnant.
(((((Zoot)))))
It all sounds reasonable to me, so I don’t think you’re crazy.
Hey…that’s not crazy at all. You are definitely NOT alone on this one. Plus, you are just starting something new and I think that makes things worse as well. Hang in there. It really does get better. Well, at least it becomes easier to accept.