With the OCD responding I had to do today, I totally forgot to give you a follow-up to LilZ’s last bad report card. He had his cell phone taken away with the possibility of having it returned when the midterm progress reports came out. They came out last Monday and he was convinced he’d get his cell phone back. He got into the car Monday and just point blank said, “I’m not getting my cell phone back.” He was upset. Turned out, his Math grade was still low and then his Science grade dropped too.
Lucky for him – I was determined to be in a good mood that day because I had a rough weekend. So, we talked it out a bit. Turns out…he was confused about a few of the bad grades on the report. In Math – one high value test grade was WAAAY too low. In Science, he didn’t get credit for an assignment he did and still had proof of in his notebook. So, I told him I’d hold off on adding punishment for the Science grade and give him the week to try to get the issues resolved.
See – I’m VERY big on letting kids learn to solve their own problems. I registered myself for classes in High School and petitioned for changes in my schedule when needed. My Dad encouraged that but never interfered or did it for me. Why should he? It’s a great opportunity for me to learn how to deal with academic bureaucracy and I saw this as a great opportunity for LilZ. I coached him (“Do NOT accuse them or assume they made a mistake. Simply tell them you were wondering why this grade was so low.”) He went to both teachers and by yesterday? Corrections were made and both grades are NOW Bs! How awesome is that? And he did it all himself. So – not only did he raise his grades – but he went to two teachers about errors. And the grades were fixed and he now has his cell phone back.
Of course, I realized tonight that maybe taking the cell phone away was more a gift to myself than a punishment for him.
I am just so proud. Not only did he work hard to bring up the grades, but he learned a valuable lesson about conflict resolution in the academic world. I pointed out that things won’t always end so well, but learning how to try is the best thing to help him down the road where I’m sure there will be future issues.
Filling out the student loan forms for college should be a breeze for him now. Man – I still have nightmares about those things.
I knew he couldn’t stay “bad” for long!
Good on both of you! As someone who had a mother much like you, I can tell you that you are doing him the BEST service as a parent. It’s not only good for LilZ’s self esteem to know that he can handle tricky and uncomfortable situations, but it will make him a more responsible and independent person. I’ve seen what helicopter-ing parents do to a kid and it’s sad.
Two comments in one day? Damn. =]
Well done! I raised my 2 kids that way too, and it pays off big time!!! Now Ben, at 21 is renting his first apartment, in another province, finding work, checking out how he can transfer his apprenticeship, etc. and getting ready to move himself and his fiance 13 hours away. *weep*
He always talks things out with us, but he does the “deed” himself.
Yay! Great job LilZ.
I hated student loan paperwork so much!
This reminded me of Clueless – when she says that her grades are just a jumping off point for negotiations.
You’re such a good mom, really you are.
Made me smile
Wow, good for LilZ. Way to keep him organized, pen-crazy Office Depot mom
Now, my question is, how is it OK for both those teachers to make such huge errors? Statistically, he’s probably not the only student they messed up with!
You totally made the right move letting him know he could be honest with you, and for coaching him through such a tough confrontation with People of Authority!
I gotta say. . .it’s a whole new world when taking a cell phone away is a punishment.
It might be because I’m still not feeling well, but … this entry brought tears to my eyes.
Congrats to LilZ and to you for sharing the art of diplomacy and tact.
Thats so cool!
As a high school teacher, I love when parents take away cell phones and/or iPods as motivation. I have never seen my students works so hard as when they are trying to get their phones back.
Thanks for the report … what a great lesson to us mom with kids who aren’t quite where LilZ is, but are knocking on the door! My 10 year old is learning the lessons of responsibility in school very, very slowly and painfully. I am so happy to see another mom’s successful methods of dealing with the struggles … and have written it down in my Mom Book (you know, the one they should have given us when the little cretins were born!!)
AWESOME Lil Z!!! I did really bad in both of those subjects no matter how hard I tried. It wasn’t until I got to High School that the science grade went up. We won’t discuss the math. Still that is fantastic and I think it is great that you had him go to the teachers and have the grades fixed!!
My parents were the same way. I had to try and solve the issue myself. They would only get involved if I wasn’t able to get it resolved and they felt that they needed to advocate for me. And my father always embarrassed me (loud lawyer) so I actually worked hard to resolve things without his help. It really helped me later in life.
Yeah for LilZ!
Good Good Good for you for teaching him to handle these things himself! There are far too many boys/men out there that cant handle “confrontation” becuase their mothers always did it for them. GOOD Job!!!
What a wonderful child he is. I can only hope that my Ben grows to be so amazing.
Totally learning from you as we’re encouraging Finn to do this. Maybe he NEEDS the cell phone as a carrot!
Delurking to say I think this is such an awesome story. Like you, my parents encouraged me to take care of those issues and it made a world of difference in my determination and confidence…especially in college.
I love reading about your kids, how smart they are, the awesome relationship you have with them. Especially LilZ.
Anyway, nothing you didn’t already know. It was just a nice story to start my Wednesday and I thought I should tell you that.
Delurking to say, I (newly) work in a college advising office and I am STUNNED at the amount of parents that come to or call our office on behalf of their children. And these aren’t even about major issues. Did I mention I’m STUNNED? Kudos for you on teaching LilZ to work it out on his own. I’m trying to do the same with my kids.
woooooo, lilz!
(note: this is one of those comments that don’t really contribute to the conversation, but which one cannot help leaving when one has become somewhat emotionally invested in the wellbeing of a child they only know through the internet. so, sorry. but, again i say: wooooooo, lilz!)
Wow! That’s incredibly brave. At his age I still cried if I had to talk to teachers (I was shy. And also a wimp.)
And I’m personally still convinced that I signed way my first 10 born children for those student loans. Guess I better get cracking.
Also – great job with all that responding yesterday!
Way to go LilZ! (ditto what supertiff said.)
What a great story! My husband and I were just talking yesterday about parents who are way too involved in helping their children. The company my husband works for actually got an email from the father of someone who had interviewed for a position asking them to hire his daughter! And this is a grown woman, interviewing for a professional job – not a teenager applying at McDonalds!!
My mom made me do a lot of that stuff myself, too. At the time, I HATED that she did not stick up for me more often. Now? I appreciate it because I am not easily intimidated by red tape and such.
Go, LilZ!! Congratulations!!
That is awesome- way to go LilZ. Thanks for writing about it because as my son gets older, I’m sure we’ll begin to experience similar situations. He is in 2nd Grade now and I feel like student responsibility is really starting to ramp up. I have to remember to make him take charge of his own situations and not go barging in (even though that is the first thing this Momma Bear is inclined to do).
That’s so awesome that you encourage LilZ to handle it himself. I work in a high school and cannot tell you the number of parents that call on behalf of their children and expect us to fix/do everything for them. Some of these kids are leaving for college in less than a year and I’d be surprised if they know how to wipe their own…well you get the picture. Sorry my burn out was showing a little there.
He will thank you greatly for it when he is older and easily able to take care of himself. He will be better equipped to make good choices along the way as he’s growing up and I have always felt that independence leads to stronger self-confidence.
Excellent.