On Monday, MrZ asked me what I had done that day. It’s his very sweet way of showing an interest in my home life and I love it when he asks. I was a little busy with dinner and just threw out the two things I knew off the top of my head: I went grocery shopping and painted a door. I continued to work on whatever it was I was tending to and didn’t continue so he said, “That’s all? Painting and groceries?”
Now - He meant that as in, “Are you finished listed off the things you’ve done because you seem a little distracted?” However, can anyone guess how I took that line? I took it as, “You’ve been home all day while I’m slaving at the office and all you’ve accomplished is grocery shopping and painting one door? Lazy Whore.” Because, if we know anything about my husband, it’s that he’s totally the type of guy who would think that. Let’s not discuss my tear-filled reaction to his very innocent line, okay? My poor husband.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (I know! Right?) about how to trudge through some of my sensitivity and emotional issues. I think I’ve decided I can trace a lot of my problems back to my need for validation. I’ve been throwing that word around in my marriage for years. If I had a dollar for every time I said, “I’m not asking for help, just a little bit of acknowledgment for what I do around here…” I’d be rich. I know it’s not a big request and when I’ve blogged about it - many of you have agreed you throw similar lines out to the people you live with. But I started thinking…why?
I’m quite proud of all that I accomplish in any given day. Now - I’m a little more insecure as a SAHM - but when I was working full-time I was really proud that I was able to keep the house running and have a job. The only times I start to doubt myself is when I start to recognize that no one else has noticed what I do. Then I start thinking, “Well…maybe they don’t think I do enough…”
This is so sad. Why am I so concerned with what other people think? I’m 32 for chrissakes. Why am I still looking for outside praise in my life?
I spent a large portion of my youth looking for some sort of external validation. As a teen it was more about how I look, but as I got older it became more about who I am. And I’m not sure why. Today - I mainly seek that sort of attention from my husband. I put all of the weight of my own self-importance on his shoulders. (Yes - I’m quite aware of how unfair that is.) But, I know other women who have looked for praise from their girlfriends, or Moms, or siblings. So - I’m wondering about all of you out there who have commiserated with my insecurity issues in the past. Who are the people in your life you crave validation from? Whose approval or commendation do you strive for? Is it strictly professional and a feeling you carry around to get further in your job? Needing praise from a boss? Or is it personal and something you look for in family or friends?
I guess I’m just looking to see how KRAZEE I am. Am I normal crazy like all of you? Because I find comfort in numbers. It’s when I’m the only one with a particular brand of crazy that I get concerned.
When you are proud of something you have accomplished you want the people you love and work to notice and accomplishment. The noticing from the ones are you love are more minot than outside the home. I think it is just female. Although I have heard men say the same thing, not as often but it does happen. Did I answer anything or am I rambling. You are normal.
I don’t know if the internet is the best place to get validation about your need for validation… it seems as though at times I have had a similar need for validation from men when I first started having “relations” (does lilz read comments? lol) and now I could really care less what people think of me… that doesn’t mean I don’t love to be the center of attention when I am in the mood but I will act and do what I want and I don’t care if people judge me… I don’t have time for that.
You are a normal crazy. I do look for valadation in others all the time. At work, with my family, with my friends. Just about everyone. So please let it be that I am normal crazy too!! I do feel that I am under apprecated at times, but I know that really and truly isn’t true. I think it is the Leo coming out in me.
You might be a little crazy on a normal day…but right now you are a hormone hostage!!! That makes you extra crazy. I think every SAHM goes through that feeling off and on. Steve has asked the same question (I assume he meant it innocently enough) and I flipped. I like to inform him that I have been busy sustaining life and building offspring. Isn’t that enough?
I’ll give you props for the two items you listed off, then — because they were more than I managed to do.
I did get a few loads of laundry washed/dried/folded [but still sitting in baskets on the couch, but totally sat on my butt while Kyle did the painting in Tyler's new room. [I tried to help, really I did, but the smell made my head spin. What's a pregnant girl to do but sit and rest, then?]
Seriously, I think you are normal-Krazee. I haven’t lived with a significant other, with exceptions for vacations, yet, but it STILL drives me up the wall when he doesn’t comment about dinner or something.
I guess I don’t want to set up a habit of being his slave - I want him to realize that if it weren’t for me, he’d have to do it himself! And gasp, the HORROR that would be. Or something.
Not actually late for class this time, but will be late to meet a friend. Apparently, commenting = late.
Ha! I’m 36, and I’m still constantly fishing for compliments and praise, both at work and at home. By G-d, if I work my butt off and do a good job I want someone to acknowledge it. Of course I still feel proud of myself when I complete a project, or even just put a delicious dinner on the table. But, having someone say “thank you”, or “wow, you did a great job” really makes me feel good. And you know what? When that happens and I do feel good, I tend to keep working hard, and doing more, and finding other ways to make things better. But when I don’t get that validation, I tend to start slacking off and letting things slide (what’s the point if no-one else cares?). Sigh. So anyway…it’s not just you…and it’s not just pregnancy hormones. Yikes, I better get back to work before my boss thinks I’m slacking off!
Zoot–
100% normal KRAZEE! I think everyone likes to be affirmed. Some of us are great at giving affirmation/validation and we want everyone else to be just as open about giving it back.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I am 38 weeks pregnant (planned c-section in 1 week!) and just lost my job. I have been on “leave” for only 3 days and already I frequently feel as though I am not doing enough to fill my days. I should be doing this, I need to do that, etc. My husband is wonderful, but I don’t think he understands that at 38 weeks doing 7 loads of laundry and mopping all the floors DOES take all day. Luckily, I have lots of friends who do understand and give me all the “yeah for you” I need. Although I would still like to hear it from my husband, but after 11 years, I don’t hold my breath. He validates me in other ways.
I’m the same way with Andy. I expect validation from him, and just like you, it’s pretty much ALL on his shoulders.
You are certainly normal crazy. When my husband comes home I immediately launch into all the things I had done that day and why I couldn’t get such and such done. He always stops me and says “Our daughter is doing great and you are doing a good job. Stop worrying.”
In the book “The 5 Love Languages” one of the love languages is “words of affirmation,” Many of us feel loved when we are validated.
Also, I am going to go out on a limb here and say how I deal with it. I am a Christian and I really work on my relationship with God, because He is the only person that can love me for who I am. I am His child. My husband can never fill the need I have for validation, but God can.
I swear, it’s my ultimate dream to have my husband stay home alone with the baby for one day and then at the end of it say “Wow, hon, I don’t know how you do it.”
I have no idea why that is, or why I need to hear that he is amazed at how much I do or how hard I work, but I absolutely do.
I am limb-like, like Amanda
It’s hard for me, the validation thing…mostly because I just don’t get it. And a lot of days, I don’t deserve it. I didn’t accomplish anything yesterday. I do not feel good about it. *sigh* But other times, when I do “deserve” it, I don’t get it either, and I very much get into the “why bother” mindset. Anyway, you’re pretty normal, and obviously way less crazy than me!
I’m clearly nuts, because it seems like I crave this type of validation from everyone. I’ll ask my husband four or five times if he likes what I cooked for dinner (yes I am a joy to be married to, thanks for asking). My poor best friend had to lay the smack down on me at the end of college because I couldn’t deal with the lack of validation I felt from her. In fact, just yesterday I started crying because Alliclaus asked me to read her a story and once I started, she took it to Andres and said, “Papa read.” Ouch.
Seriously, though, I feel the same way about Andres. I work my butt off at home and I need to hear that he notices and appreciates what I’ve done. It would be great if he’d do some of it without prompting, but since that apparently won’t be happening anytime soon, I could just use some validation of my hard work.
Oooh, what a question
Personally, I have found myself in the past looking for validation/acceptance from other moms. However, that was hard to find since not only am I a SAHM but I’m a trucker wife as well which puts me into an entirely different category all together.
I have sinced moved on from needing anyone’s approval (for the most part). My hubby is fabulous in that it only takes a couple ‘mean’ looks or suggestions and he’ll tell me how much he appreciates me. I sometimes even get it unsolicited-though it usually happens after he tries calling when I’ve been running around all day, or dealing with hospital bills, or stupid family, all while my dear son in screaming in the background. But still, he tries.
I happen to think that society puts this pressure on women, SAHM’s or not, to be a certain way and do certain things and when we don’t live up to it, we’re bad.
I was with a group of women who were SAHM’s but they had play dates, always dressed fashionably, weren’t fat, and were stuck up snobs. I’m a trucker wife that only wears jeans and t-shirts, rolls around on the floor with my kid, cusses, and is a gun owner-yeah I didn’t fit in.
Anywho, I think it is completely normal to feel this way and want to make sure everyone knows just how much you do. Besides, if you have any doubts about your hubby, take a day off and see what happens, lol.
Mine is mostly my looks, I guess ’cause I’m younger. Mostly my boyfriend, although I’m heaps better than I used to be. Some from strangers/friends though.
It’s normal crazy. How about when I read your husband’s response I took it the wrong way FOR you, like “Oh no he di’int!” And then I had to tell myself to calm the hell down.
I’m usually looking for my own husband to validate me. Well, him, and the internet.
I think everyone seeks validation at one time or another, but some of us need it more than others. I’m 35 and married with three kids ages 17, 15 and 9. I work part time as a bookkeeper - been there for 8 years - and attend college 3/4 time. I still manage to pay the bills, go grocery shopping, do laundry, feed everyone (and let me tell you - that’s a miracle!)… My husband doesn’t seem to understand how much I do and I’d like him to notice.
Would you look at that? I just told you all about me so that I could put it ‘out there’ about how much I really do. See, we all need someone to pat us on the back and say, “You’re doing a great job!”
DUDE. you are awesome. I’m totally having one of those days where I’m all…’wahh, everybody is better, faster, smarter than me and cute to boot’ .
Why?
Why do I need people to like me? I like my life, I”m really really happy. But you go to preschool to pick up your son and one skinny mom dressed to the nines talking about how they go to DisneyLand every six months for the experience can throw cold water on your self esteem.
why?
I take little words like that WAY the wrong way, and often blow up! so I don’t think it really has anything to do with pregnancy hormones.
I always look for validation from everyone, even perfect strangers, maybe not and “Im proud of you” but when I do something nice, I would like to be told so.
I didn’t read the comments so I’m sure this will be repetitive, but I can COMPLETELY relate to this post. I crave validation from my husband and my parents most. Without acceptance and validation from them I feel like I am basically worthless.