I Love Being Pregnant

My OBGYN’s office has a nurse’s station that surrounds the two bathrooms used by patients to deliver samples through the windows. In other words, these bathrooms are pretty monitored. Which is why I shouldn’t have spent 10 minutes trying to lock the door when giving my own sample yesterday. BUT – I have an extreme fear of being walked in on while peeing. So, I repeatedly tried to lock the door while the nurses or patients walked outside the door probably thinking, “Jeezus, woman. Just pee already and quit screwing with the doorknob.”

So, I decided to pee. Without locking the door.

For those of you who haven’t tried to pee in a cup while 36+ weeks pregnant, let me just explain the procedure. You hover and hold the cup and just pee with wreckless abandon praying you’ll hear the pee hitting inside the cup. You can’t aim because you can’t see past your belly. In other words? It’s nearly impossible to do it with any sort of grace.

Which is why, when someone opens the door to the bathroom, you are possibly in the least glamorous position you’ve ever been in. EVER.

Now – luckily I was in a very hunched position to begin with so I was able to lunge towards the door to shut it before I made eye contact with anyone on the other side. But – can you guess what happened to my sample? It ended up in the toilet. Which means I walked out with lost urine AND lost dignity.

It was completely awesome.

I have no idea who opened the door. Oddly enough, there was no one outside the bathroom when I exited. No nurses or patients in the usually crowded area. I don’t know if everyone ran off because they were embarrassed to have either (a) opened the door on me or (b) not stopped someone from opening the door on me. I know I would have run like a bat out of hell. But not everyone is as mature as I am.

Either way – the next time? I’ll either find a way to lock the door, or I’ll insist on using the other bathroom. I don’t have enough dignity left to lose if it happens again.

27 thoughts on “I Love Being Pregnant”

  1. That is an adorable picture, I think it is great that you try to do tons of stuff with her before AndyZ comes along. And about the 36 weeks wet t-shirt competition, you are wearing a bra, right? Just checking.

  2. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and twittered about this. I don’t even know how you were able to pee on command with the door unlocked….I have to have safety measures. There must be someone out there that manages to give a sample without peeing all over her hand…and I want that women’s secrets because starting a day peeing on your own hand is not a good sign of what’s to come.

  3. Heard outside the nurses station:

    “Dude, watch this. I’m gonna open the door on her. I guaran-damn-TEE you she’ll blog about this!”

    :)

  4. Okay, every time one of your posts comes through my RSS feed, I hurry up and click on it, just in case It’s Time.

    And sometimes I’m treated to a rare gem like this.

    If it helps any, I once had to give a, um, sample of a different sort at the doctors office. Wanna talk about the least glamourous feeling…

    (but you totally should have twittered it. Just sayin’)

  5. I wouldn’t have been able to pee without locking the door. My bladder is so shy that I can’t pee in multi-stalled bathrooms if there is another person in the bathroom. I think the person who invented multi-stalled bathrooms was a sick f*ck.

  6. When I was getting that late in pregnancy I started asking for the cup at the end of my appointment and bringing the urine in with me for THIS EXACT REASON! ;)

  7. I just encountered the “can’t see what I’m doing while peeing in the cup” problem for the first time last Friday. Of course, I FORGOT to lock the door…

  8. OH GOD! I remember those days (not long ago actually, just, like, december) Oh the horror! they should do something about that lock. I hate that peeing in a cup thing, the only good thing was that being 36 weeks pregnant, you always can produce on command!

    Am feeling your humiliation :)

  9. I don’t know how you even peed knowing the door was unlocked. I am cringing from the embarrassment because I totally know how you felt.

    On a completely different note, I was behind a car this morning that had a Harry Potter sticker in the window and license plate that read “HGWARTS”. I don’t even know you except through your blog and I immediately thought of you! I knew you’d appreciate it. :)

  10. Oh I am so sorry! Luckly you had to go again in 8 minutes, right? I kid!
    I am with you, trying to aim is a lost cause. My office has you do your own Strep B test!!! Dude, at 50+ lbs getting around the thighs to find, well the places you need to find- NOT easy!
    They say that the paitents find performing the test on themselfs, liberating- I found it, hard.

  11. oh man, i’m 38 weeks pregnant and know EXACTLY what you’re talking about…there has to be a better device out there that accomplishes this ridiculous task but i’m certain the dr’s office enjoys the torture! :) bummer about someone walking in on you..that would keep me traumatized for a few weeks, at the very least!

  12. Oh, no! I, too, have a big fear of being walked in on while peeing, so I really feel for you! I am constantly checking and double-checking the lock on the bathroom at work.

    Also, you’d think by now doctors offices would have come up with some system that would help pregnant women get the pee in the cup. What’s with that?

  13. Oh, lord. I know how hard it is to pee in a cup. I never though about the contortions you’d have to go through to do it while pregnant. I would’ve risked putting my bag on the bathroom floor (doc’s offices are usually pretty clean, right?) right in front of the door to buy an extra second or two.

  14. Um, I peed at a bar this weekend and didn’t lock the door either. Sorry folks! Luckily, I had a martini in me, so wasn’t too horrified.

  15. I can’t pee in a cup and I’m not preggers. It’s just challenging for some reason! I would’ve freaked out about the door thing, too. Or if I couldn’t lock it, I’d have poked my head out and asked one of the nurses to guard for me ;)

  16. so funny! well not for you. I bet the person that opened the door was just as embarrassed. I just went to a girl’s night at a friends house and I totally walked in on the new girl. I doubt she will be back to hang out with us again!

  17. I feel your pain at 35 weeks pregnant. I had to use a bathroom I am not used to at the doctor’s office last week. The one I usually go in has a garbage can with a flat lid directly across from the toilet which I use as a table for my specimen cup. This new one had NO WHERE to put the F*ing cup. How do they expect pregnant women to hover, wipe, and hike up their pants while balancing a cup of pee? And, of course, I had my two-year old in the bathroom with me, which wasn’t helping matters….

  18. Even better? When you have to take a toddler that can reach the door knob and you’re just one twist away from indecent exposure. And you can’t reach the door to keep the toddler from pulling the handle and opening the door. And you’re not in a doctor’s office, but a retail store.

  19. I can’t help but mention this little issue–the peeing aimlessly toward the cup–in my childbirth preparation classes. There are no two ways about it….it’s just a plain old mean joke! (With a good purpose!)

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