I did something really crappy this weekend. I yelled at my son for something that was totally ridiculous. And I was mean about it. And in reality? It was just an outburst because I was feeling insecure and he just happened to have done something that I could twist into a “cause” enough to justify yelling. So I yelled and was just simply…a royal bitch. I mean - I was the biggest bitch I’ve probably ever been to ANYONE. EVER. And you’ll just have to trust me when I say, I’ve been quite a big bitch in the past. So this time? Was really ugly.
I apologized and tried to backtrack a short time after my initial outburst. And I think I’ve padded on a healthy layer of positive reinforcement to help negate the SUPER BITCH action I applied first. BUT STILL. I can not shake the feeling of disappointment in myself.
I know many of you can see how amazing my son is in my stories and pictures. But none of them truly paints the honest picture. He is beyond amazing. And the shit he’s had to live through in his life, and the great attitude he still has in spite of it all, is inspirational.
He is sympathetic and understanding. He feels the pain of those around him and often gets the most frustrated when he can’t do anything about it. He sticks up for the little guy and puts up with a bunch of shit from the bigger guy because of it. He’s more mature at 13 than I am at 32. He is kind and loving and has an amazing sense of humor. I can not praise him as much as he deserves. I have tried, but it all just seems to fall short. He has blessed my life and made me want to be a better person. And I shoulld probably find a better way to repay him besides letting my stupid insecurities manifest into total freak-out sessions at his expense.
I hope maybe he’ll stumble upon this entry today. He doesn’t read my blog everyday, but sometimes he gets bored and likes to entertain himself by reading my embarrassing stories I’m admitting to the world. So, today? I’ll just tell him, “I’m sorry.”
I’m crying for you.
Also, that you realized it was more you than him means so very much. It would to me anyway.
How nice, and because he is so awesome, I bet he forgives you.
I have a daughter like LilZ….I always tell her that I want to be like her when I grow up. Where did they come from??
Oh come on, Zoot! How dare you screw up and be a normal human being! The audacity of it all! (Ok, I totally suck at being facetious.)
I’m sure LilZ will forgive you, despite how much of a bitch you feel like you were. You’re still his mama and y’all have been through thick and thin together. He might be pissed for a little while, but eventually he’ll look back and realize that nobody, not even his mama, is perfect and that outburst was just that–an outburst. Not you on a daily basis.
If it makes you feel better, I called my mother a bitch when I was 14. She was totally justified in slapping my face for it, but when she slapped me, I slapped her back. It dissolved into a full blown fist fight. It doesn’t get much worse than that, and despite it, we’re best friends.
This is my long winded way of saying, “don’t be so hard on yourself.”
you made me teary! stop it. The fact that you can go on the whole interwebs and apologize shows what an awesome mom you are. I hope LIlZ agrees
There are nights, after the kids are in bed, and I’m running the day through my head that I wish I could go back and re-do them. With more hugs and more kisses and more kind words and fewer frustrations and fewer outbursts. I think we’ve all been there.
LilZ is indeed, an amazing guy. Meeting him gave me so much hope that not all tweens are dweebs who hate their parents. I will never, ever forget how concerned he was that you should have a good time while you were at BlogHer 06 - he INSISTED on it, actually. My mom STILL talks about him.
That said, LilZ is such an amazing guy because he has an amazing mother. Don’t be so hard on yourself. A heartfelt apology goes a long, long way. I suspect he will see that.
At least you can admit when you are wrong..I still have a problem with that even if I know I yelled at my daughter prematurly or for the wrong reasons..
Lil Z is lucky to have a great mom as yourself.
There have been a few times where I wish I could have stuffed something back into my mouth either the minute I let it fly, or after once I think about it.
You’re not alone and your awesome kid will understand that sometimes even an awesome Mom makes a mistake.
The biggest life lessons I every learned from my own parents was during those times when they admitted to being wrong and apologized. It is truly a wonderful gift to teach your children to admit when they are wrong and that even we parents mess up.
I’m pretty much echoingeverybody else and agree it’s awesome that you can aplogise to your son for being out or order. I know so many people who can’t do that and make a bad situation even worse by their bull headness.
P.s. I think little Z will give you a break, he seems like a good, thoughtful dude from what your write about him and after all you are out to here pregant, so I think he will take your stress into consieration too.
Big hug x
I’d forgive you if you were my Mum!
I know there has been a few times when I’ve shouted at my Mum and I hate the feeling I have after - often it’s just that the moment i’ve exploded she’s been there to take the hit and I know it’s not fair that I rant at her. (I usually go off to the shop and get a bar of Galaxy chocolate and the world is put to rights again)
I send a hug from my rather sunny desk at work to you whatever you may be upto!
You sweet girl - it will be okay.
Nothing really new to say, but I hear you–I’ve been there myself. It’s hard to shake the guilt after an outburst like that, but an honest apology goes a long way. And I think LilZ will understand–as is apparent in everything you tell us about him, he is one amazing kid.
He’s probably such an awesome kid because you’re such and awesome mom. The best kids come from families who sometimes don’t react the “right” way to everything, yet can admit it. It shows the child how to be “real”. My parents and I have a super strong relationship, and most of it is because we can honestly talk about stuff, even the stuff that starts with “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way”.
I think we all have those moments where you regret lashing out or talking before speaking. It’s how you handle those moments afterward that show the real parenting. You are a wonderful mother. We have all read this blog for years and I don’t think we would still be here if we didn’t think so. HUGS!