Guilty.
MrZ and I are struggling to find a new system of responsibilities in the home now that we’ve added another human to the mix. It’s a rough struggle and we’re no where near a system that keeps both of us sane and not feeling overworked. While also allowing us each our own share of quiet time more than once a month. I have no idea when/if we’ll ever find a good system, but I am realizing after reading this article that I may be to blame for our delay. I can honestly admit to doing almost every one of those “toxic” behaviors that discourage fathers from helping out more. EVERY ONE OF THEM. I am not going to be naive and say this is the ONLY thing keeping MrZ from helping out more, but I’m sure my eye-rolling and talking through the baby (Is that article about ME specifically? Because I feel like it is…) doesn’t help in the slightest.
Anyone else guilty of those things? Or is it just me?
I am a working mom while my husband is a stay-at-home dad, so I have had to let go. But even then sometimes it is hard. I do occasionally redress my son, I mean 3T is still way too big for a 22 month old, just because it is a hand-me-down does not mean he has to wear it now!
But I have to say, my husband is doing a great job, and does many, many things way better and with more patience than me…
Believe me when I say that you are NOT alone in this. Heck, we had problems with adding child number one. The really neat thing I see is that you REALIZE it. So many couples don’t and it’s a tough uphill battle. You’ll get a good system going before long, if you can keep the lines of communication open. This kind of thing tends to go on as the kids get older and become really involved in things and have a social life that never seems to stop. I have no doubt that you and MrZ will be successful at it. It’s just going to take a lot of work (and a lot of eyerolling
)
I am notorious for noting when the baby is near the monitor and, while Bryan is sleeping, saying things like, “Momma’s about to pull her hair out if Daddy doesn’t get up soon. Could you imagine Momma bald, baby?”
But you know, I often think that if that’s the WORST problem we have, it’s not a problem at all.
You’re not alone. Just remember, one genuine compliment on his husband/fatherly ways accompanied by a hug or kiss will erase a days worth of Momma mistakes. You’re a good wife and mother and MrZ probably understands that you don’t mean to be “toxic”. You’ll find your balance again.
I’m very guilty of this also. Sometimes it is so hard to just step back and let him do things his way. It has been really difficult since we had our second and he is taking over much of the care for the (almost) 3-year-old.
I think it helped for my sister that after she had their baby, she had her 6 weeks off and then right as she was set to go back to work? School let out and my BIL (he is a teacher)was there to pick up the baby duties. I think that helped them with the sharing of the baby details. It doesn’t always work out that nicely. I wish I had some grand advice for you, I am sure some of your fantastic readers will. Other than just saying to yourself “I don’t HAVE to do everything”
Speaking of Dad’s helping out, please tell me someone has passed this blog onto you: http://www.mattlogelin.com/ oh man don’t read if your emotional.
I don’t even have to click on the link to know EXACTLY what article you are talking about… And yes, I am so guilty of it, but especially when my little man was in the newborn phase, aka the helpless baby phase, aka please don’t throw him in the air or you will kill my precious child phase… Ahem. Yes. You are not alone. Of course, now that I am not (as) sleep-deprived, it is easier to talk myself out of (some) of those behaviors.
I’m guilty of being toxic. But then, he’s guilty of being an idiot! Don’t even get me started.
Really, dressing a 2.5-year-old in shorts and a t-shirt on a day when the temperature won’t go over 50… what is he thinking! It’s only one example in a long list. Thing is, Scout will let him know he’s doing it wrong. You think he listens and corrects it so that I think he did it right? No!
Also, when I’m not around and he can’t calm her, Scout can. He’s watched, and LEARNED! You think H let’s him? Thing is, if it’s not in a sports or computer magazine he won’t read it. Now how many parenting tips do you think he finds in CycleWeek?
I try really really hard not to do these things (although I have been known to talk through the baby and correcting wardrobe choices) because in my previous life as a therapist I watched women do this and dads shrink away from helping. It is really hard not to do it though because my way is the right way! LOL But I know how much I need and depend on his help so I try really hard to support him as a dad – and he really is great at it (other than dressing her – either not weather appropriate or doesn’t match).
I can honestly say that no, I don’t do this stuff. But then, Kile is often happy to lend a hand and there are some things he does better than I (clipping nails, bathtime, storytime, etc). But I knew about this sabotaging thing, having seen people do it before. And when I read “Babyproofing Your Marriage”, a lot of it was about this very subject and how to stop the cycle. Very informative, I thought.
Good luck, Zoot.
Don’t feel bad, you were just taking care of your family and that’s never “wrong”.
The hardest lesson I had to learn after my son was born was to let his dad help and do things his own way. After seven years, I still struggle with this.
I took a “mom and baby” class where one of the moms broke down crying because she was doing everything and her husband was doing nothing but playing video games and sleeping peacefully and making his own dinner, and the instructor said she should try “being more understanding” and doing more nice things for him. OR MAYBE SHE SHOULD KICK HIM IN THE ASS, HOW ‘BOUT THAT? She has a newborn! Her body is post-partum right now! Maybe HE should do nice things for HER!!!
*pant pant*
I realize this is not even what you’re talking about. I have a mis-wired connection in my brain somewhere, I think.
I can honestly say I don’t do any of those toxic behaviours. It doesn’t matter though, because my husband does nothing, ever. It is a fight to get him to change/feed/bathe our toddler.
Recently, though, I’ve just been leaving the house without our son and telling my husband to take care of him. I come back to a mess more often than not, but at least I get a break and my son is (somewhat) cared for. Before I left today, I made sure to set both of them up with finger paints. LOL
Well, I haven’t experienced the newborn part yet, but it’s household work alone is enough to cause frustration (newly wed). Let’s just hope *he* keeps doing the things he does now… he likes to vacuum
Good luck
that was a really interesting article. i’d love to think that i’m the encouraging, praising type. but i’m not. i’m hyper-critical and anxious and a bit of a task master.
i chalk this up to living in a lot of chaos right now. and being able to control a situation (like cleaning the house? raising our son and getting ready for our daughter) helps me feel, in some part, more in control of at least *something*
with the difficulty of this pregnancy, The Mistah has definitely shouldered the bulk of our domestic tasks. seriously, i don’t think i’ve done dishes in two months…it’s just TOO MUCH for me to handle. he’s been up with our toddler every weekend for 9 months, allowing me to sleep in. cooks dinner every night, cleans up. while i sit around like a lump on a log. and i’m sure i’ve been, erm, LESS THAN PLEASANT as a spouse, too.
the other night he said he can’t wait for the baby to come so he could get his wife back… oy.
You know…that article kind of irked me. Why is it that male behavior or lack thereof hinges on what women are or are not doing? With everything else we have to deal with or take care of…we have to be supportive and encouraging to our husbands…we have to praise our husbands, etc..etc..etc… How about having the expectation that the men in our lives are adults and should be required to live up to their responsibilities regardless of positive verbal feedback? After all, we are talking about adult men and not three-year olds right? This article hits home for me in particular…my husband is notorious for blaming me for not creating an environment where he can own up to his responsibilities and not spend hours on the computer. Apparently it’s all my fault. It think if there is anything that women are guilty of doing it is the tendency to take on too much and not exercise any discretion…meaning we should exercise some discretion and not take on responsibility for our partner’s behavior or lack thereof.
Mimi – while I do agree that men should be responsible regardless of how their partners do or do not encourage them, I found myself putting myself in HIS shoes while reading the article. If he rolled his eyes or redid things I did every day? I’d beat him senseless. So to me, it’s more about treating him the way I would like to be treated, because if he treated me how I treated him when he does things, I wouldn’t be doing crap either! hehe.
I get it. I hope my comment didn’t come across as judgment of you. I was just perturbed by the article…and…obviously it is a personal hot button issue for me. Hope I wasn’t too harsh. Thanks!
My husband told me these behaviors piss him off, so I’ve been improving at not doing them, but it isn’t easy. I try to just acknowledge that when hes taking responsibility for the kids, he gets to decide how to do things.