Damned if I Bitch. Damned if I Don’t.
I joked yesterday about whether or not being the person at fault for my son’s poor sleeping removes my right to bitch about being tired. While I was just teasing (because god knows I can’t stop bitching about being tired) it does touch on something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
To Bitch…Or Not To Bitch.
Here’s the thing about my life, and what I’m betting from your past commiserations, may be your life as well: I do a lot of work for my family, and get no real recognition for it. I don’t mind doing the work, I really don’t. Well, I hate changing the kitty litter. But most of the other chores don’t even phase me anymore. It’s like breathing. Just something I do – not because I like it – but because it has to be done. I do mind that it all seems to go unnoticed. In a perfect world, my husband would come home every day with flowers and candy…listing off all of the things I did for the family that day and how much he loves me for doing them. And maybe how no other woman in the world could be as brilliant/funny/attractive as I am. (I would suggest that he alternate between those three words to keep things authentic.)
Now – I know that is not only unrealistic (except for the brilliant part, that’s realistic) – it’s also an unfair expectation. Unfortunately – I have found over the years that I have fallen back on bitching about the tasks that I’m doing in order to garner some sort of recognition that they’re being done. For example — I wanted MrZ to realize I was doing the laundry at 9 o’clock the other night so, while carrying it through the living room, I loudly grumbled about “all the laundry this family goes through.”
Do you do that? Bitch about stuff that doesn’t really bother you, just so someone notices you’re doing it?
Of course – I’ve realized the last few months that this makes me a VERY annoying person to live with. (That sound you hear is everyone who lives with me shouting in unison, “Yes it does!”) I’ve become that martyr that turns every chore into some huge display of pain and suffering. Even when I’m not suffering! I don’t even care to be doing most of the stuff…I’m just bitching to help everyone see that I’m doing it. But you know why I’ve decided to stop this trend? It only took me a few years to realize: It Doesn’t Work.
Instead of being the person who goes unappreciated for doing most of the work around the house, now I’m just the bitchy and whiny person who does most of the work. It’s still essentially going unnoticed. My family is way too good at tuning me out to be moved to praise me by my constant whining and bitching. And since I don’t really care to do the work, bitching about it unnecessarily seems a little counterproductive. It makes me irritated even when I wasn’t to begin with.
So – instead of bitching about doing chores that don’t really bother me to begin with? I’m going to save my bitching for when someone in the house drinks all of MY beer. I’m learning to be proactive about solving the problems in my life. Which means I have since hid my beer from that someone, so that it doesn’t happen again.
I really hope that “someone” is MrZ!
I am definitely a whiner. The funny thing is, it does actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I just need to whine about things I know I have to do or I can’t change/fix, just because it feels like I get some power over the situation that way. I try not to whine about everything, and I attempt to be funny about it, but sometimes I just need to complaint a bit and after those couple minutes of letting it all out, I feel better.
Wow, reading that just made me realize that I am the EXACT same way. My husband was always telling me that I bitch too much about little things. And, really? I clearly was.
I like the laundry done a certain way and yet still bitch because I am doing it. I want the bathroom cleaned with a certain cleaner and a certain way and, again, still bitch about it. I like to cook dinner, but still bitch.
I am going to make a huge effort to change this. Thanks for posting this.
As you said, bitching does nothing but annoy everyone, including yourself.
Now, if you were to “strike” for a week or two or so each year, they’d quickly see how much you do!
Either that, or you’d come home to a roof-high pile of laundry and a mysterious sculpture of empty beer bottles.
I was totally a recognition freak for a while there. I don’t really know what snapped me out of it, except that DH and I realized we were both feeling very guilty about what we weren’t doing and we weren’t getting recognition for what we were doing. It made for a bad situation in our relationship.
Over time, I just decided to do the work, rather than guilting him to do it, or listing my accomplishments for recognition at the end of the day. And then, slowly, I began to feel proud about my own accomplishments and what I saw myself doing for my family. That self-pride is so much better than a compliment received from my own complaining.
Weird, as I don’t know how I got to this point, but I can say that I’m a lot happier now.
It’s funny, my first marriage was like that, me bitching but not really doing anything about my unhappiness with it. Now this time around, I’ve learned a lot and instead of saying “all the laundry this family goes through” I say “would you hang up this basket of clothes?” and it gets done, and it’s amazing.
PS – LilZ should be doing his own laundry.
Wow, NikkiZ should really lay off the brewskis (I sound like my dad, UGH)
I’m totally the same way. But I’m more like “GODIDIDSOMUCHTODAY: 3 loads of laundry, vacuuming, dishes, and did I mention I FOLDED the laundry too (I hate laundry)”
The thing is, I’m pretty spoiled. I sometimes get flowers and trashy magazines randomly. I think I just bitch so I have something to talk about, lol. it gets lonely as a WAHM
I really like Lindseys’ idea and am going to try it starting next week!
selective Bitching. I like that!!
I would say stop doing all the things you do for even like a day. they would appreciate you then, but I have a funny feeling that would be way to hard for you (like you said it was like breathing) and also I think they do appreciate you….they just don’t say it. which they should, from time to time without being prompted to. Or on your birthday, or mother’s day.
Passive agressiveness – I love it! I know you have a hard time delegating, but just treat it like work! “Please do this? Thanks!”
And tell LilZ to stop experimenting with beer…it’ll stunt his growth. Oh, wait, he’s already tall enough. Okay, carry on!
OH, and thank you very MUCH Zoot. After reading your posts and some of your tweets I got curious enough to go out and buy Twilight. Three pages in and I’m already wanting to screw work and curl up the rest of the night to read it. THANKS.
I used to do that! and gosh it pissed me off. So i just stopped. My partner didnt notice anything different at first, but eventually he started doing more.
Now its completly reversed. He does everything while bitching at me. I have turned so lazy! i do want to help him, but he does it while im at work. so i say its his own fault!
We need to do a list i think.
I also do the bulk of domestic duties around here, and like everyone else, I get next to no recognition. I have come to live with that. What really really irks me is my compulsion to recognise when my partner helps, regardless of how miniscule the help is.
My husband and commenters on my blog say I bitch too much also. Maybe I do. But he comes home and asks about my day, am I supposed to lie? Someone asks how I have been feeling, I am 13 weeks pregnant, should I lie?
Oh my day with screaming kids was awesome. Barfing and not eating because everything smells gross was just great! I can’t wait to wake up and do it all over again! Sure I could maybe only talk about the positives of my day, but lately they have been few and far between.
I agree with you about bitching doing nothing though. Does not help anything whatsoever.
I don’t do the bitching thing. When I feel like I’m being taken for granted, I just take a vacation from doing those things. Sometimes the family notices, but it doesn’t bring recognition or appreciation. Sometimes it doesn’t phase them. It is okay either way. The me time I get from my vacation rejuvenates me.
I purposely leave out the bathroom cleaner/mop bucket/laundry basket when I do chores, just to make sure that my fiance realizes I did them. Talk about passive-aggressive.
I found that showing appreciation for the things my family does to help causes them to be more appreciative of what I do. This way, even though we’re all just taking care of our own responsibilities, we all feel more validated.
What we do at our house is we yell out in dramatic tones, “Heh-LO, no one is noticing me being AWESOME in here!!” And then the other one of us says, “Oh, you are SO VERY AWESOME!”