Teach me your ways…
Okay, I have a question for Moms Who Work Outside The Home. What are they called? MWWOTH? I don’t see that one catching on anytime soon. Actually, depending on how you Working In The Home (WITH) Moms do it, you may be able to help too. Really – anyone who is smarter than me can help. The floor is open.
Anyway…I’m having a hard time getting into Mom Mode after work. I leave work and drive home thinking about the things I need to Get Done when I get home. Like, maybe cook dinner or start some laundry. (I start laundry every day because each of the guys in my home only owns 3 pairs of jeans, so someone needs clean clothes almost every day.) Usually NikkiZ needs a snack to hold her over until dinner and AndyZ always is ready to be nursed. The dogs need to be let out and sometimes dishes need to be washed from the night before.
I tend to want to get all of that crap done the SECOND I walk in the door so that I can relax the rest of the evening. It’s almost like I stay in Work Work Work Mode until my chores are done. However? This doesn’t seem to be working that well. By going to work the second I get home, I somehow get MORE stressed than I was at the office. Home is supposed to relax you, right? And inevitably, my stress makes me short-tempered as I’m sitting there Trying To Get It Done. And then – can you guess what happens? I lose all patience for my kids. The ones I haven’t seen all day. In other words, I show them how much I missed them by yelling at them irrationally. This week has not been good – I’ve put NikkiZ in timeout almost every night. Partly because she was being rotten, but mostly because I was short-tempered and too worried about whatever random task seemed important at the time.
I’m awesome like that.
So, I’m trying to think of some non-stressing activities we can do when we get home. Something that will put me in MOM mode instead of Crazy Workhorse mode. How do you switch gears? I’m thinking about maybe doing craft time right when we get home. Like, color a picture or paint. Or even go outside and do sidewalk chalk for a little bit. Something that doesn’t take a lot of time or effort, but that will kick me OUT of Militant Get Shit Done mode and kick me into I Love My Kids Let’s Enjoy Their Company mode. Do you have any activities that foster that maternal behavior but will require little prep time – share with me your ideas! I’m a sponge wanting to learn from you!
And if your techniques involves beer? You get bonus points.
I don’t work outside the home, but my husband does, and he likes to pack Toby up in the pram and go out for a walk with him as soon as he gets home. Toby is only 5 months old, so at the moment, they just walk around the block, but Hubby plans to extend the walk to the park once he gets a bit bigger – not play on the playground, but just go and let Toby run about a bit and chat about their day etc. As it is, Hubby finds the walk relaxing after sitting down in the office all day, Toby gets some fresh air and some Dad time, and I get some time off as well…
I don’t work outside the home, but I am going to try to give advice anyway. Please take it or leave it as you choose. Both of mine are in school now. So when they get home, we sit down and have snack and talk about their day. You could have your beer here
. I give them 15 minutes to relax, talk, eat their snack, then we get homework done. They know after homework they are free to do whatever.
Maybe just maybe this is a good time to employ the TV babysitter. NikkiZ spends all day at school learning and playing and obeying. She might just need some mindless downtime before she is ready to listen to mom and that gives you some time to get things done and switch over to mom mode.
For me adding a craft would just add one more thing to my “to do list” and I would get grumpier. But if that works for your family as unwind time I would go for it.
I am a fan of making sure that any after school/work activity is outside. If we are inside I have visual reminders of what I still need to do and I get annoyed rather than relaxed. Stay outside and enjoy the kids having fun without feeling guilty. Tonight it was over the road to the park with a footy, bucket of chalk, crackers and dip and a bottle of wine.
Give everyone in your home chores to do!!! You can’t be expected to do everything!!! You need to give some of those up. It is okay to do that, it will make your life so much more stress free!!! Seriously, I was doing my own laundry by the time I was 13. If I wanted clean clothes? it was up to me to get them clean.
okay need to go….tornado watches. stupid outer bands of Ike.
Don’t worry! Everyone has chores! And MrZ just doesn’t get home early enough to be any help (grin) – but if he does he does bathtimes and clips the animals nails (I wont do that) and he gets post-dinner cleanup. LilZ does recycling/garbage and believe it or not? He keeps his room clean and puts up his clothes the second I tell him too.
(And none of them complain about their chores – maybe I’m just a wuss?)
Well I have one question……what does Mr. Z do when he gets home from work. What are the chores he’s got to do that stress him out? Not trying to be a meanie, but there’s 2 parents, and you need HELP! Why don’t you come home, sit down and read a story to NikkiZ while you nurse the baby. Once their all calm, and satisfied, maybe give her a snack in the kitchen while you tidy up the kitchen and get ready to make dinner. After supper, maybe one of you can bath the kids, the other can start the laundry, and LilZ can clean up the kitchen.
The only way I managed everything was delegating chores to everyone who could walk… otherwise I was a bitter, angry, tired Momma!!
We actually keep on a schedule when we get home, and that works best for all of us. As soon as we get home, we let the dog out, then we go upstairs and I turn the TV on for one show. I set Moose up with a simple snack to eat while he watches (goldfish or some such) then while he is entertained, I feed the animals and start on dinner. After the show is finished, we turn it off, and he plays with his toys while I finish up dinner. My husband usually shows up about in the middle of the TV show, and we discuss our days while I’m cooking.
As long as Moose knows we only watch one show, there are no tantrums, but we have to stick to it, once I let him watch two shows because I was on the phone, and he expected the same thing the next day. It sucked to say the least.
So for us, as long as we stay on our loose schedule, everything goes smoothly.
When I was a single mom, I worked full time and took classes. I too would get into totally chore mode as soon as we got home in the evenings. I started coming home and immediately changing clothes into my comfy clothes. Then I would sit with the kids (Austin was 4, Brodie was 2) and we would chat about their day and I would tell them about mine. Then I would sit them at the kitchen table with some type of activity (usually crafty in nature) while I started on dinner. Once dinner was over we would either go on a walk, go to the park, do something outside, or play a game. Then I would do the dishes etc after they felt they had some real mom time. It worked. Sometimes the dishes didn’t get done, sometimes something else slacked, but I was less stressed and the kids were MUCH less whiney and ill tempered.
Oh yea.,…I forgot to mention….wine/beer with dinner is always GOOD!
I always hated getting assaulted with “Mommy this…, Mommy that…” the moment I walked in the door. So I made sure whoever was taking care of the kids knew that their job was not over the second I walked in the door. I wear a uniform and combat boots to work, so getting them off is imperative at the end of my day (sometimes I cant decide which feels better, getting my bra off or my boots). I change into “mommy clothes” before I do anything else. Changing, right away, into what I’d wear on a weekend works for getting me out of “911″ mode and into “relaxed mommy” mode.
Glad to hear you get some help!! I’m with the majority… Nikki is in school all day. To hell with the crafts (can you tell I work in a special needs preschool???!!) Let her veg with a snack and the TV!
I am very lucky in that my husband stays home, so there are not as many chores to do when I get home (and right now being 37 weeks pregnant, I even get out of those) But he is always very ready for me to take over 2 year old duty, so I just get down on the floor with him and play with his trains or cars or whatever he wants to do and try to wrangle a kiss out of him!
You seem like a morning person, so can you prep or start any of those things in the mornng?
Our washing machine has a delay start, so I can throw in a load in the AM before work, hit “delay 7 hours” and when we’re home from work, it’s ready for the line/dryer.
I also run the dishwasher constantly. I know that it uses less water than washing things by hand, so everything that can go in safely, does. It can run while we’re at work or overnight, so that’s another thing ready when we get home.
I’m also a huge proponent of prepped dinners, such that I can walk in the house and throw something in the oven or on the stove to heat up and then do other things for an hour. I often spend most of Sunday afternoon prepping meals for the week and it’s such a stress relief. No more last-minute chopping or worse, grocery runs, and it’s nice to know what we’re having, so the whole meal planning thing is taken care of. (That’s my biggest stresser.)
It sounds like the top three things that have to happen are the dogs and the little kids’ eating. In your shoes, I’d let the dogs out when we came home, then read a book and have a snack with NikkiZ while I nursed the baby. I bet that cuddly, quiet-ish time would help you feel better about enjoying your kids.
when the kids were little I used to sit them at the kitchen counter with an easy snack & ask about their day while I did my in the kitchen chores… It kept them contained, I learned a lot about their days, and I was getting things done so we could play together later.
Usually, I get Elizabeth home from school and me from work, and we have a snack together (yes, my snack of choice is a beer
) and decompress, then she has to do her homework, and I get started with the evening “Stuff to Do”. It’s sometimes only about 15 min., but it does seem to help.
I work outside the home, and I am semi-psychotic about spending time with my kids when I get home. I normally prep dinner the night before so that all I need to do is stick it in the oven or microwave. And the kids join me on walking the dog, even if it takes that much longer.
This is based entirely on my sister-in-law who is the Best Mom On The Planet, I don’t have kids myself. SIL has a family dinner every night, where the kids get 100% attention, and her kids know that dinner is time to talk about their day, not while Mom is occupied. Dinner is like an idealized 1950s TV show, which is why I invite myself to dinner there all the time.
Ok, so, I don’t have a kid. Well, I do, but it’s sort of the size of a poppy seed or some such thing at the moment and not really taking up much of my after-work time yet : )
BUT! I have an idea. I agree with someone above me who said crafts sounded like adding to the work. But, since you said you need to feed two kids and get other tasks done and that it all gets stressful, how about trying to make after work time into a “we’re home” party! You could turn on some upbeat happy music and make a quick snack for the older kids. Let those dogs out, and then have some tunes going and dance around while doing the laundry and cooking (like Cinderella and her mice, ha!). Sometimes music can change the atmosphere. You could ask LilZ to DJ. Maybe he’d even play some Jonas Bros for you!
I am a WAHM (work at home mom) of a special needs son and I have to say, I feel ya. For me, I work in 30 minute intervals so I’ll work and then go do therapy/play/change/feed/etc my son. Honestly, a lot of the work in my house doesn’t get done until it needs to be (i.e. right before the therapist come over) I do laundry maybe once or twice a week sometimes more if I feel like helping MrB out. But to me, he’s perfectly capable of doing his own laundry. I would help him out more if he helped me do things like cleaning up after dinner,etc, etc, but since I end up cleaning up after him, I do what needs to be done when, well it needs to be.
I do it that way because I don’t want to argue with MrB. It’s not really a good solution but I thought maybe it would be a nice perspective. It sounds like MrZ is a real trooper in helping you out.
As a single mom I found that the best way for me to not be stressed out when I got home was to make sure that everything was cleared away the night before. Coming home to a mess just put me on edge. So, when we got home the first thing I would do was get my son situated at the table with his homework or a game that he could play alone. While he was doing that I would fix dinner. I could still keep an eye on him, but this was a way for both of us to have some quiet time after a busy day. When homework/games were done we would eat dinner, and this is when we would talk about our day. After dinner The Boy would help me clean up the kitchen, even if all he did was bring the plates and glasses from the table to the sink. When he was old enough to do it alone, he would take a bath while I finished cleaning up the dishes. After dishes/bath time we would play a game, watch TV or snuggle on the sofa. I agree with the person above who said to delegate chores. Your son and husband may already do chores but one more certainly will not kill them and if it makes you a better person to be around then it is a good thing for everyone. LilZ can help with laundry and MrZ can give baths. Oh, and small snacks that can be eaten in the car on the way home were always a life saver for me as my son would morph into Mr. Nasty when hungry.
I also work outside the home and when I pick up my 3 year old we talk on the ride home and decide what we are going to do when we get home. Sometimes it is a snack and TV and sometimes it is to play Mr. Potato Head or Trains or whatever he wants. While he is setting up his choice, I go up and change clothes and retrieve my 14 year old and make him play with us for 15 minutes. He groans sometimes but once he gets down there and his brother is so happy to see him we all play for about 30 min. When I start dinner, one of Will’s favorite things to do is Play doh so I have a small table and chairs I put in the middle of the kitchen and he plays or colors while I cook. It works most of the time and I am not screaming at them from the other room at them.
I bring Chico into the kitchen with me while I cook. He will do things like ‘cook’ with his playdough & tools on the other side of the bar, or fill the sink with water and bubbles and dump in some Little People. If I’m chopping veggies or something, I’ll give him a butter knife and his own cutting board and let him hack one up too. He loves that. He also enjoys things like cut & paste projects, or watercolors, that he can do at the bar, with me supervising while I do the cooking and washing up.
If I’m folding laundry, I’ll bring it in to Chico’s room and sit on his bed while he plays. I clean my kitchen and wash dishes as I’m cooking, so there’s usually only a few plates and utensils to clean up after dinner. I clean the bathroom daily, and take of that while Chico’s in the shower. Q cleans the floors before I get home, so I don’t have to worry about that.
After I get him to bed, and before I go to sleep, I walk through the house and return anything that’s out to its proper home. In the morning we just have to make the beds, and our house is clean before we leave.
Azul is my new hero.
Honestly, cooking does that for me. I get to relax and focus on something productive and my kitchen is a gallery kitchen, so Tony sits in the floor and plays happily while I get everything started. And after dinner, we try and all take a walk together.
And then I wake up a size two and Bryan’s hair has grown back in.
Seven years into my parenting gig, my evening routine is honed. We walk in the door and I ask everyone how their day was. I check homework and mail. If the kids want, they can watch tv for half an hour while I get dinner on. If they don’t want, they can amuse themselves or help me cook. Then everything stops for dinner. Absolutely everything. No phone, no tv, no nothing but eating and talking and relaxing. Then it’s family time until bed. Hubby does dishes since I cook. Once you establish a routine, the kids know what’s going on and they stop with the Mommy Mommy stuff. Really.
I reserve most chores for the weekend. It works better for us that way. I’m also a big fan of the meal plan. It’s on the fridge and there’s no discussion or decision. That makes dinner prep so much faster and easier.
I have trouble with the time when the kids come home from school. I haven’t seen them all day, but then they come bursting in and they’re so LOUD and we have so much to DO before DINNER, and before I know it I’m acting like I’m not happy they’re home. I’m not sure what to do about it either.
Azul is my hero too. Dang, woman. You are GOOD.
I am a single working mama. When I adopted my daughter at 5.5 months, I was crazed about jumping into chores after work, and getting my daughter from dinner to bath to bed, fast, Got to Get Shit Done! It felt like running a marathon after having a long day at work. Yuck.
A year and half later, my girl is 2 years old and I am more relaxed. I try to judge her mood and tiredness on the way home. If she is exhausted and hungry, or I’m running late, I focus on microwaving something easy for dinner as soon as we get home, while she works on a sippy cup of milk in the kitchen with me. If she is in a good mood and it’s not too late, we’ll cuddle in front of the TV for 15-30 minutes. She’ll have a little snack or milk and I decompress a bit before moving on to dinner. Bath and bed time have a routine but I don’t rush them as much. Other than dinner, and making sure there are some clean sippy cups and some clean clothes in the house, chores take a back seat and I get to them when I can or when I have to.
I imagine is it harder with dogs and 2 little punkins who need your time and attention when you get home. I agree with the posters who said that changing clothes is a good way to shift into Mom mode, especially taking off the damn bra and getting into a comfy T shirt. You are an awesome Mom and I know you’ll figure out what works for you. Good luck and thanks for a really great topic!
Kinda funny, I was more organized when I when I was working outside the house (of course, half my problem now is that my back is screwed up, but that’s a post for my blog). When I was working, I spent one evening (after kids in bed) and write our meals for the week on the calendar. The night before I pull out meat, etc… to thaw so that when I get home I don’t have to think about what’s for dinner. I tried to do the crockpot thing a least 2x a week so it was pretty much no effort on my part. I also get the kids involved; my 5 & 2YOs set the table, and help me “cook”. I get them moving on their stuff so I can focus on the things they can’t do.
I was also big on changing into mommy clothes as soon as I got home and sitting w/my kids to talk for 15 mins or so just so we could all unwind and they knew they had my attention. Nothing gets them in your way more than them thinking you aren’t paying attention to them.
I also recommend prepping the night before. Whatever you can do the night before, do it. That way you can relax more & unwind when you get home.
Good Luck!
This post made me think of guys that have more than one wife….I mean, do you know any woman that could handle two households? It just speaks to the “division” of labor. I always wonder how gals find the time to “fool around,” but I guess I could be doing this now instead of sitting here at the PC. hehe Maybe stop at the park before home and shake off some of all y’alls day?
I have 2 boys (1 yr and 2.5 yrs) and work outside the home. I try to plan dinner ahead of time so that when I get home, the boys get a snack and I can put dinner in the oven. Usually we play for a bit then Mr. G gets home and we eat. He plays with them after dinner and I can clean up, do dishes, start laundry, etc….. We alternate who does baths and usually do a family book in our bed before lights out. I used to try and get it all done as soon as we got home too but I found the kids were dying for my attention and ended up acting out for it, so now I try and enjoy them for the few hours we have before bed.
Why is it that husbands get major credit for “helping out” at home? If both parents have full-time jobs, shouldn’t the entire job-load of housekeeping be divided evenly? My husband and I crashed into this wall way before we had kids (thank goodness) and had to make an actual job chart that included everything from cooking dinner and grocery shopping to cleaning the cat box and scrubbing the tub. Then we got to choose jobs (like, I HATED to cook at the time, so was happy to swap cleaning the bathroom for that). Happy days.
Scout packs Lil’bug’s bag in the morning. Her daycare provides lunch and snacks, but we send a morning ‘drop-off’ snack (applesauce/yogurt, to ease transition), sippy cup, water bottle, and a snack (granola bar/cereal) for the ride home. That way she isn’t famished when we walk in the door.
First thing I do when I get home is change my clothes. I’m much less grouchy when I’m comfortable.
I insist on everyone pitching in. I’ve had a long day, too, after all. Scout can empty and load the dishwasher, H helps him. Lil’bug gets to watch a video. I don’t get into crafts at home. She gets plenty of arts and crafts at daycare, I can’t stand the mess, and it would take much longer than we have. I like having Scout in the kitchen helping me with dinner. It gives us a chance to be together and talk. He’s also learning valuable life-skills. He’s going to make a great husband/dad one day. =)