All of us who have had babies have discussed Baby Weight at least once after having our babies. And probably, we thought about it more than once. Some women are lucky and they gain little and it comes off easy. (And those women are BEYATCHES, right?) Then there are people like me:
1) I gained 68lbs with LilZ – took several years to lose it all.
2) I gained 60lbs with NikkiZ – still hadn’t lost the last bit 2 years later when I got pregnant with AndyZ.
3) I gained 50lbs with AndyZ. As of today, I weight 2 pounds less than I did the day I came home from the hospital. Meaning I have lost 2lbs in 9 months.
Considering I hadn’t finished losing the weight pre-AndyZ in the first place, I choose to use my pre-NikkiZ weight as my target. So, I am currently 43lbs away from that goal. I have been struggling to lose the weight quietly, away from my blog. I’ve gained and lost the same 10lbs over the last few months. Obviously? My quiet way isn’t working. It’s time for some accountability.
Now, I know my weight battle is not as extreme as some. My need to drop 43lbs would make some people want to punch me in the face. But, I just know that there was a time when I was lighter and healthier. It’s not just about the weight – it’s about the general lifestyle I’m living now. The frenzied eat fast and crash early lifestyle that makes me feel really disappointed in my body. It is not just the extra pounds, its that I no longer feel that pride in myself that I felt at healthier points in my life. I mean – there’s a huge difference in these two bodies physically and mentally.
I just felt good the day of that race. It wasn’t just about weight because I was a few pounds shy of my goal on that day. It was about respecting my body. Taking care of it with diet AND excercise. That other body? That body gets abused. It doesn’t get enough sleep, it drinks lots of caffeine, it eats lots of junk to cope with stress and it never ever gets any excercise. EVER.
(Sidenote: While looking through all of my race photos I found this one taken about 2.5 years ago. Look! I’m totally taller than LilZ!)
Anyway…I want that other body back. I want to feel like I’m taking care of myself because you know what? I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve that pride. I work too hard at my job and for my family to put myself last on my priority list. This is about weight – for sure – but also so much more than that. This is about finally saying, “I want to treat myself at least as good as I treat everyone else, maybe even better.” Why does everyone, even the cashiers at the grocery store, get more respect from me than I do from myself? That’s completely ridiculous.
So, I’m taking the initiative today. Today? I start to put myself on the priority list. I’ll vow to start finding time to excercise because someone else can do the laundry. I’ll make a point to buy healthy foods that I like, even if no one else in the house does. I’ll take time to reflect, maybe even start meditating, because right now I cope with anxiety by eating and that’s just not working for me. I’ll demand that my family allow me to do all of these things because you know what? It will benefit them in the long run. They can attest that Anxiety Zoot? Not that fun to live with. Add Unhappy With Her Body Zoot and Super Tired Zoot in the mix and you’ll find my family is looking into a vacation home. Fr away from me.
This will be largely about losing the weight. But it will also be about finding a way to take as good of care of myself as I do my family. Finding a way to put Me Time in the schedule, even if it means that I have to ask someone else to do the laundry for a change. Or vacuum. Or grocery shop.
My basic concrete goals are this:
1) Lose those 43lbs.
2) Run a half-marathon this fall/winter.
I’ll have several other mini-goals along the way, but those are my two biggies. I found out the hard way that training for a marathon with small children and a full-time job is close to impossible. At least in my life. I mean, I did it, but not well. Not the right way. So, I’m sticking with the half-marathon which is a much more attainable goal.
I have several more vague goals I’d like to strive for along the way. I want to shake up the diet and learn to eat and cook healthy foods that I haven’t already cooked 9-million times. I want to find some sort of relaxation/meditation regiment that will possibly allow me binge-eating to cope with anxiety. I want to not wear a t-shirt and shorts over my bathing suit when we go to the beach this summer. I want to be able to wear my wedding band again without getting it re-sized.
I’ll be documenting my journey at the Balanced Living website. My page is here and will hopefully show my introductory article soon. If you want to join me, I’d love to have you. There’s a great community over there full of inspirational stories and support. They’re even holding a contest through the end of the month where they’ll give the winner $5,000 to achieve their healthy living goal. $5,000 would pay for my gym membership AND periodic days at the spa! I’d love to have you over there.
For now? It’s all about the baby steps. Like joining the YMCA. I’m going to do that this week and maybe excercise for the first time in months. Be prepared for the Holy Shit, My Body Hurts entry that will follow. I’m sure it will be a good one.