Yes/No Equality
I think about this entry a lot. Sarah talks about working on saying, Yes to her kids more. No is an easy thing to say. It usually buys us time, “Mom, can we go outside?” “No. Not right now.” It sometimes keeps your house cleaner, “Mom, can I play with the Play Doh?” “No. It’s too messy.” Often it just allows us a few more minutes to do whatever it is we’re doing at that moment, “Mom, can we go to the park?” “No, I’m trying to do laundry right now.”
I say No a lot. I’ll admit that. However, lately I’ve started keeping several Yes mainstays in my arsenal that make me feel less guilty about the Nos. I let my daughter paint often. I’ve always said my teenager could do whatever he wanted to his hair as long as it doesn’t get him kicked out of school. I don’t fight many food fights with my kids and we put in many hours at the local playground. But most importantly? I let my kids dress themselves more often than not. There are days when I steer them in a certain direction (Like away from tank tops in the winter) but most often? It’s all them. As evidenced by this photos:
I figure each time I allow her to wear a Tinkerbell bandana with a dress to school (where it all inevitably ends up muddy) then I earn No points for things like: Chuck E. Cheese. Cause I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say Yes to that place. *shudder*
I think she looks adorable. The bandana matches the dress, so she did a good job.
Also, in my job, we try to avoid negatives even if we are saying something negative. Positive spin.
“Can we go to the park?” “Let’s paint.” You’ve said no, but offered an alternative so it cancels the negative.
P.S. A no to Chuck E. Cheese doesn’t count as a no because you’re keeping them away from all those germs.
There should be a system of scoring here. Maybe one “yes” gives you two “nos” for future use. I understand what you’re trying to say and not be a “no” mom, but still, you need to have time for yourself too and to get things done that you need. So, sometimes a “no” is really just a “yes” for yourself.
it is funny, I had to reduce my “no’s” because I found they had become so automatic that I was having to ‘reverse my stance’ and was rewarding the whining. “NO, you cannot go to the potty right now” … huge mistake. As for your adorable child – I think she could wear pretty much anything and be just as precious!!
It is still hard sometimes. I feel like no is my automatic response, especially since I spend so much time working from home with the kids around.
I think I am going to have to make an extra special effort to say yes this Summer.
Especially if it means avoiding Chuck E Cheeses.
she looks soooooo cute!! so cute.
I try to qualify the yes instead of giving a no, as in, “yes, when you finish your dinner,” or “yes, we’ll go to the playground as soon as I get this load of laundry started,” or “yes, we can play with PlayDoh when all the toys have been cleaned up.”
Chuck E Cheese will always get a no.
I think she looks absolutely adorable! I’m with you on
the hair thing. I have 4 teenagers so I would drive
myself crazy if I tried to control what they did with
their hair. The only thing I demand is that they keep
it clean, I hate looking at a kid old enough to know
better with a greasy mop on their head.
Mine dress themselves too. We don’t have seasonal issues because it’s either really cold or really hot. Yesterday I picked Audrey up from school and she’s wearing horizontal stripe pants from last year’s halloween clearance – they’re black, orange, purple and yellow with a lavendar bunny print t-shirt from last year’s easter clearance.
But she chose it herself and she put it on herself. So, who am I to judge all the patterns?
I believe Chuck E Cheese was originally Dante’s 6th level of Hell but the editors made him change it.
As Ladyhugs says, I think it’s also great to try to reframe the no’s into yeses, just to make the language more positive. “Yes, we can go to the playground…after I finish my work.” Or “Yes, you can play with Playdough in the backyard.” etc.
Not that I’m great at this myself. Good reminder, though!
Aww, she looks cute. I love her little bandanna!
This has me thinking, too. Sarah’s post is a great one – I am going to work on “yes” this weekend too. Granted, at this point it’s more about me initiating activitives I know my girl will love (like meandering outside for hours on end) rather than directly responding to her, but still. She’s worth a bunch of “yes.”
(Oh, and Chuck E Cheese? That’s a NO that your children should thank you for. Seriously!)
She looks surprisingly good! (I say “surprisingly” only because she picked it out, not because your kid isn’t absolutely adorable anyway.) But she matches and everything; that’s pretty impressive! I hope that if I ever have kids, I’ll remember this rule of yours. My mom said “no” all the time when I was little.
I like the idea of avoiding the word “no” but not necessarily the sentiment. I’m going to give that a try!
I’m trying so hard to do this too, but slightly different. I don’t say no all that often, but I do say things like “in just a minute” or “just let me finish this thing” or “i’ll be right there”. I need to stop doing that. My 8 year old said to me the other night, “you say in just a minute, but you never come”. That about killed me! Must do better…
I think she did a beautiful job dressing…She looks so cute