I love YOU and YOU and especially YOU…You with the donuts!
There have been a lot of conversations recently about that stupid video (Remember? I said I’d look back and say it was just a stupid video!) that I wrote about last week. At first it was a lot of simple conversation, people adding their voices to the conversation. But, I’ve since found other entries from people picking sides and other people defending themselves and their position from those people who chose sides. Working At Home Moms v/s Working Outside The Home Moms – CENTER RING! Everyone gather around!
But I choose to believe there isn’t really a war. (Yes, I’m in the corner with my fingers in my ears, as usual.) We all choose what’s best for us. I chose my lifestyle because it’s the easiest for me. But it may not be easiest for you. Or maybe you chose the path that was actually harder because you thought it was the best. That’s fine too. Or maybe…you get my point. In my head we all choose the best path for us, and respect that everyone else does the same. We are too smart to compare our situations because everyone and every family is different.
The end.
I found an entry this weekend that called me out for saying that Working Outside The Home was harder than Working At Home. Which, as you know, was not at all what I said. When I first read that article, I was so upset. I wrote a stupid comment on her site saying, “NO, I DID NOT!” and got all finger-waving about my point and how it was missed. I even wrote an emotionally charged entry here about it linking to her and being all, “I DID NOT SAY THAT! BLAH!” Essentially? I totally over-reacted. Luckily, she emailed me and I emailed her and we kissed and made up and realized we actually agreed on a lot of things. We let our emotions take over with each of us at different moments reading too much into what other people were saying.
(BTW – we didn’t really kiss. I am married, you know.)
I got defensive when we actually agreed on most everything. She edited her entry, I took mine down. Then we ate donuts. All was good. And this all happened in, like 5 minutes. Because I like to keep my drama short and sweet and to the point.
But it got me thinking…and reading more and more about the subject across the web. Some people maybe are taking sides, I don’t know, but mostly I see people doing what that other blogger and I did. Getting upset because we felt like we were being attacked. (And in some cases, we were. I’ll admit.) And then, suddenly, everyone is taking sides of this battle instead of just voicing their opinions. I wrote this in the comments section somewhere today:
My fear is that the people who write those entries, the ones that are not attacking, that are just adding to the conversation, those women will be scared to write because they get grouped on one side or another of the non-existent war. We all want to defend ourselves, but if we make women feel like just talking about it forces them on some sort of “side”, then no one will talk about it.
So – I vow now not to over react. (And again offer apologies to the poor blogger I got emotional with this weekend.) I vow to listen to your point and if I disagree, even if I disagree vehemently, I’ll wait a few hours before I write about it. Give it time to sink in. Maybe even read your words a second time and email you if I’m not sure I understand your point. Because most of the time? We actually agree. I’ll do my best not to pit us against each other because I tend to have quick-fuse emotions. That’s not YOUR fault! Why should you have to pay for my heightened sensitivity? And if (like was the case this weekend) I find I over reacted? I will not be too proud to retract an entry and replace it with one that says, “I’m overly emotional! Please move along!”
And, in those rare cases where someone is attacking me specifically, I vow to ignore them. Because I’m way to emotionally unstable to engage in any response. I never do so eloquently and it always comes out sounding like my 3-year old wrote it. With a lot of tears and foot stamping.
In reality? We really are on the same team. We all love our kids and are doing the best we know how to do at any given moment. I have met many wonderful mothers in this blogging world and we’re all doing things differently. Sometimes I steal your ideas blatantly, other times I say, “That won’t work for me.” But all of the time? I’m moved by how much we all love our kids and how desperate we want to do right by them. Thank you Minfy/Midny for helping me really clear my thoughts on the issue. She came at it from every angle responding to every point eloquently and sympathetically.
In my fairytale little world we’re all fighting on the same side. I like it that way. The side of Motherhood Is Hard. Let’s Support Each Other.
(Wait. Our side does have donuts, right? If not…I’m totally changing teams. Sorry. I go where the donuts are.)
I think your original post was very clear.
I would hope that every parent just does what’s right for their kid. It is silly to think that what works for one family is The Official Right Way to do things. And it’s silly to think that there is an official answer to what is harder: staying at home, working at home, or working out of the home. They’re all hard in some ways. They’re all easy in other ways. They’re just all different.
And now I really, really, really want a donut.
Oh, and good for you for taking time to think and respond! I tend to just get pissed off and write people off (figuratively).
I just generally hate everyone. It saves me time, really.
No, seriously, I always hate it when “mommybloggers” get like this because THIS overshadows the things like March for Maddie, and wasn’t THAT a powerful way to utilize the community?
I don’t think your original post was at all wrong. But I have seen some overly-emotional responses that just let us know that a nerve has been hit.
It’s always hard to tell where the callouses end and the tender skin begins with women like us.
I am not a mom, but I think you are so right. And everything you’ve said here can be applied to many different situations, not just SAHM vs. WOTHM vs. [insert here]:
I think the problem is often the way we communicate – blogs, emails, texts. While it is easy to get defensive quickly, to feel misunderstood or to misread something…we might have NO problem if someone would say the EXACT same thing to us face-to-face. If someone sends you an email that upsets you, I’ve found that the best thing to do is to call – or meet up for coffee. Usually it is all ok again within 5 minutes and everyone is happily eating donuts. Whereas if you just keep sending emotional emails back and forth, the whole thing could go on forever. And in blog-land the whole thing is even more extreme because OTHER people can get in on the discussion AND it is usually not possible to just sit down face to face and talk it all out, so things can escalate quickly – like you said, someone writes a post, you feel attacked, you write your own emotional post, etc etc.
People in general should more often consider that we are ALL on the same team. We all want to be happy, we all want our kids to be happy, etc. I really don’t understand the whole “picking sides” thing. Why does there have to be a side? Why does one person have to be wrong and the other right? Why can’t everyone be right – it’s their own life, as long as noone gets hurt, why do we care so much what others do and how they do it?
I am totally joining you in your “fairytale little world” without sides. Especially if there are donuts…
Follow the donuts and you will always be a winner!
I think you were very eloquent. And we love you, too. And your donuts.
Just found your blog through the maze of other blogs on this topic. I didn’t think you took sides or were in any way quick to judge. In fact it is one of the more level headed responses to a very touchy subject. No two people are in the same position so I’m not sure why we are all so quick to judge. “Whatever works” is what I say! Oh yes and donuts? mmmmmmm donuts!
Thanks for the vote of confidence that I didn’t come off as part of the battle! I was worried as my link popped up in a few entries and feared I had not done as good of a job making my point as I had hoped!
(Hence, the donut bribery.)
can we have muffins and cupcakes too? donuts and i don’t have a great history…
I will not be one to show prejudice towards any pastry or baked good. All desserts are welcome here! More donuts for me that way!
As someone who did write about what you wrote, I hope that my message was clear that we are all in this together. I was not offended by your post, but you would be hard pressed to offend me at this point anyway. Particularly, if there are donuts involved.
I think everything you said was clear about the “issue.” What is so great about blogs is that they are for people to get their opinions/point-of-views out there. Not to attack but just to communicate. That what posts and comments are for, duh!
I think thats what you did and what all the women who commented on your post that day did. People just get very defensive very quickly which is natural.
I thought you did a great job on your post last week. Butl like Catharina said, the means of communication-blogging, comments, etc is where confusion can arise. You’re not able to pick up tones of voice, body language, etc. Glad you and the other person worked it out!
I spent a good part of the day (shhhh…don’t tell my boss) reading the posts on this topic. What’s funny is that what I walked away with isn’t that one side is right or wrong, or that someone is pissy, or that mommybloggers are petty. What I realized is how much we all bloody complain. Everyone is complaining! None of us sound very happy with our choices–the SAHMs feel unappreciated, the WAHMs feel misunderstood, the WOHMs feel overburdened. And regardless of situation everyone is complaining about how HARD it is. And, of course, if we all think we have it so HARD then surely someone else must have it easier, right? And I think that’s where all the sniping is coming from.
Some things are hard. And I certainly do my fair share of complaining. But the sheer amount of misery out there suggests to me that we may be focusing our energy on the wrong things. How about we all lay off each other and figure out what it is in our own lives that’s making us so miserable?
I for one suspect it is a lack of donuts.
@Alias Mother – YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
I do a lot of complaining, I feel it often both at home and on the blog. I do try to be conscious of that though because I really believe the universe gives back what you put in and I don’t want that negativity flying back at me. But you are right.
Although – I do try when I “complain” to do it artfully. Like, instead of being all “MY HOUSE IS A MESS AND I HAVE TO WORK” I say things like, “My house is a mess…and I have to work.”
Notice the difference?
You took that excellent post DOWN? Now you’ve got me mad at you! How do you like THAT?
I know I haven’t been commenting lately, and I’m sorry. Time and energy have not been on my side in respects to being a polite blogger.
I should have come out of my reader when I read your first post on the matter, because I totally took it as your opinion on the video – not that you were saying WOHM’s had it harder than anyone else. Anyone who took that post as an attack didn’t read your words very carefully.