Help!
We’ve been potty trained for quite some time now.
Wait. We? No. That group pronoun should probably not be used in this situation, should it?
Okay. NikkiZ has been potty trained for quite some time. We even stopped wearing pull-ups to bed about a month ago. No accidents save for a few when we forgot to insist she go potty before bed.
But a few weeks ago? She had an accident at school. The teacher said she thinks she just didn’t feel like stopping playing long enough to pee. She just did it on herself. Since then we’ve had several near misses where she suddenly freaks out because she has to pee and then doesn’t QUITE make it all the way. Then yesterday? Another full-blown accident. Another case of not wanting to stop what she was doing to pee.
Have you experienced this? What did you do? Did you treat it like a crime and punish it since you’re certain she knows better? Did you start rewarding accident-free days again like when you were potty-training? Are we essentially starting over? Do we just have to start asking her every 10 minutes again if she has to go potty? I am openly asking for your advice and experience.
And possibly for your shoes. Those are REALLY cute, you know.
Sometimes I do the exact…same…thing…the not wanting to stop to pee part, not the actual peeing my pants part. because that wouldn’t be proper in a woman of my age.
Sorry. I have no words of advice since I don’t have children.
I will give you my cute shoes though.
We definitely went through a phase like this. I think most kids go probably go through it. My theory is that now that they get the mechanics of the process, they are now testing out the limits of their bodies and memories. “How long can I hold it before I absolutely have to go,” or “Hmmm, there’s that feeling, but I’ve gotten good at holding it so why don’t I just play a little bit longer,” and then they’re so used to that feeling that it becomes a subconscious notion and they forget they have to go.
What helped for us is reminding her how because she had an accident, she had to miss out on playing while we cleaned her up and wouldn’t she rather be outside with her friends, etc.? So next time let’s not wait. Also patience, lots and lots of patience. (On my part, not the kid’s.)
We went through exactly the same thing with my daughter (not my son, ever – there is no truth to the old story that girls train faster and easier than boys). Anyway, I pretty much ignored it. I did not go back to rewarding her. I did not go back to pull ups at night (just changed a lot of sheets). I tried not to get frustrated, but I did let her know I was disappointed. I would ask her to try her hardest for me, and that would work somewhat. But basically, I did not lecture, but would just tell her to go change and we would continue on as if it did not happen. Once she saw we would not make a big deal of it, it stopped. However, truthfully, I think that time would have solved it no matter how we approached it. I think she just had to decide she had had enough of changing clothes all the time. She still dribbles some (but that is another story!)
We went through this phase with all three kids, and like so many phases … “this too shall pass” … BUT, to make things a little easier on all involved, we went back to scheduling “you must sit on the potty times” … before school, before lunch, after lunch, etc.
Our youngest fought this because he kept saying he was a “big boy”, but I didn’t handle the accidents very well and didn’t want the messes. It took a couple of weeks for the drama to end. good luck!
My almost 4 year old is doing this a lot recently too. I spend a lot of time waffling between demanding he go right this instant and trying to convince myself in my head that he is a big boy who will go when he deems it necessary. We haven’t had an accident in a while but he just looks so uncomfortable dancing and holding his crotch while he tries to play.
I guess what I am saying is that we don’t have a definite solution but we are going through it. I just play it by ear depending on where we are. Out of the house and I demand we stop what we are doing and take a trip to the bathroom. At home I let him play until he panicks and runs for the bathroom.
I do find that the clothing choices make a big difference these days. I make sure he isn’t in anything with a button or challenging snap most days that I am not going to be with him all the time. That way, if he does panic and run to the bathroom, his pants aren’t going to slow him down.
we jsut started potty training, so I have ZERO advice, or even assvice. I’m hoping that the commenters will help me find a way to just get through THIS phase.
but I can tell you that drinking heavily and crying don’t help, but man, are they good ways to burn some emmotional stress
(i never thought my daughter’s pee would reduce me to tears, yet this week, it as no less than 6 times. and it’s only wednesday morning, and she’s still asleep)
Hang in there Zoot.
My son is about the same age as NikkiZ and we’re having the exact same problem! He just started camp at the Y, and he’s had 2 accidents after months of staying dry. He just doesn’t want to miss out on any of the action!
Having potty trained 4 daughters (twins too, so I had a two-fer), may I offer that accidents and backslides are not unusual and usually seem to happen when there’s a stressful period or situation. Or just when they ignore that urge because playdoh is far more interesting.
Don’t make too big of a deal out of it or you might make it worse. Talk to her about it. My girls, when they had accidents, used to be able to tell me exactly why, and most times it was because they thought they could hold it longer. Remind her more often to go potty. She slips back, you have to follow her in your training. I used to say, “Hmm…I think I have to go potty, do you?” about a dozen times a day, so they didn’t think I was treating them like a baby. Definitely praise her when she gets it right – like a whole day without an accident. A small reward (like a handful of m&m’s), while technically a ‘bribe,’ can’t hurt.
If it gets much worse, contact your pediatrician, but don’t discuss it in front of her. With her you should be calm and positive.
My parenting motto is “this too shall pass.” It will. Hang in there.
One thing with NikkiZ is she breaks so many rules in deliberate and manipulative ways (evidently her Daddy was the same way) I sometimes have a hard time with assuming it’s a real “accident.” Maybe I’ll take to assuming that for a little while, give her the benefit of the doubt.
My son did the same exact thing UNTIL HE WAS SEVEN. Oh, dear God, sometimes I wanted to STRANGLE him. He would only do it when he was playing video games or the computer, so for awhile he wasn’t allowed to play on either until we were sure that he was MATURE enough at age SEVEN to go PEE in the TOILET. Huh. Apparently, I’m still irritated at him about that. Happily, he’s grown up a bit and realizes that stopping to pee may not be fun, but it’s a whole lot less fun to have your mother wrapping her fingers around your neck and squeezing.
We had the same problem with both of our children and did the same thing that beachmom did – we went back to telling them when they had to try to use the potty. Even now it’s “go potty before we leave the house”, and “go potty before bed”, ect. When they were little I made them go potty before they ate anything – ie lunch, snack, dinner, ect. It got annoying on all of us but it definitely helped them to get into the routine of making sure they went to the bathroom before it was too late.
My boys both did this. We didn’t punish them really. Scold, yes. Punish, no.
It lasted for a few weeks (months? It’s been a long time). The wait until I can’t wait no more behavior disappeared as abruptly as it appeared.
So, talk to her about it. If it persists and she’s insistent she isn’t waiting on purpose, you may want to consider getting her checked for a bladder infection. I’ve heard this happens with little girls sometimes..
I don’t have any advice, just some comforting words. I did this REALLY bad when I was younger and embarassingly, I even did it a few times when I was older (6-7ish). Good luck!
My question to you: “is she getting any form of positive reinforcement for the “accidents”?
My headstrong child did the same thing & when I realized that my reassuring “its okay’s” were being taken as a license to just keep on playing & not worry about the potty – I took a different tactic. I stopped participating in the “making everything better” – I told the child where to change, what to change into, and what to do with the messed up clothes…..and after a few times of changing on the offenders own the problem went away. Those stubborn ones have a way of breaking rules without really breaking them….
Our 3 year old has his moments. We just switched to no pull ups at night and he’s been accident free for about a week and a half. But he had an accident at his cousin’s the other day because he was playing and didn’t want to stop. Luckily it hasn’t happened often but it still is a bit irritating. With him, I just told him that he HAS to go potty in the toilet in order to be a big boy. That usually does it for him because he doesn’t like being wet.
That is just amazing. Whenever I have to pee, even as a kid, I had to stop what I was doing and pee before I did anything else. I was the opposite and I’m not sure why. In other words, I’m no help at all! Sorry. Love your blog.
i was like this. playing was way more fun than stopping to use the bathroom. my mom reassured herself that i would not go to prom in a diaper (i just didn’t go to prom!). it turned out my bladder wasn’t catching up to the rest of my body. i took medication well into 1st grade for it.
unless nikkiz is being difficult. *shrug*
I didn’t read all the comments before mine so my apologies if this has already been said. My daughter went through this. For a while I just made her go try every hour or so. She got so tired of being forced to stop what she was doing 10 times a day she just got it over with when she felt the need. I really do think it’s like the teacher said and kids this age just wait too long and then it’s too late to hold it.
My daughter did the same thing for months. I think she may be at a new developmental stage where she can focus her attention on something for a long time and her panties are suffering for it. We just kind of ignored it and she grew out of it. I do recall a time where I got very frustrated and explained why to my little one, but really they will grow out of it because who wants to sit in wet panties?
I think like comment #1 said, we sometimes don’t feel like going as well. Hoping it will go away on its own. She might be wanting to play rather than going to potty. My daughter was like, but in her case, she had an urine infection, so she didn’t really have any control.
Okay, no one has mentioned, could she have a urinary tract infection? If not then, don’t worry. Use the pull ups for a while and perhaps buy some really fancy panties that she can have once she stays dry for a few days.
Once “it” happens, it’s harder for it not to happen again and again. I have no for-sure quick fixes, the only thing I do is schedule potty time in the am and have em do it at school…no excuses, I made mine try even if they said they didn’t have to…This works until it doesn’t….sorrry, and yeah the shoe thing is horrible.
You are obviously NOT talking about my shoes. So not cute. Function and comfort, that is all…I digress.
Lil’bug has accidents now and then. It’s usually for the same reasons… forgot to go before bed, didn’t want to stop what she was doing, yada, yada, blah, blah, whatever. It’s an accident, it happens. I don’t make a big deal out of it. She’s probably embarrassed enough already, berating her wouldn’t solve anything.
Instead of asking if she has to go, I tell her it’s time to go. The clock says so. Nope, it’s not me saying so, it’s the clock, blame the clock. I’m not the bad guy (this time).
Sometimes I think we’ve let our guard down; gotten too comfortable with her telling us she has to go so we’re not aware of the time that’s elapsed. When we were in the thick of it we’d be on top of it all the time. I think as her ability to wait between stops increases she may also be less conscious of it. I’ve been amazed at how long she can go without going sometimes.
I don’t think it’s necessary to dangle a reward, save those for the other battles that these 3-year-olds seem to have.
If it’s frequent and urgent then it might be a UTI. If it’s one OR the other then it’s probably not, cranberry juice can’t hurt either way.
My daughter is just a bit over three, and she’s been potty-trained for close to a year. However, we’re still subject to accidents from time to time. Here’s what we do….
She has super-special Elmo big girl undies for when she has no accidents. I actually keep them in my drawer so it’s a big production to go get them.
If she has an accident, we don’t make a big deal out of it. If it’s a near miss…she cleans up her mess and herself (which means that she smears the stuff around the floor and herself and I clean up after her..) and then she’s in the diaper (pull-up) until the next morning. If she’s dry in the morning, back to the super-special Elmo undies… wash, rinse, repeat…
It’s funny, we’ll go weeks without so much as a near-miss, and then, oddly enough, we’ll have three or four days in a row where it’s all a big project.
I have no advice, but I will say that my mother likes to recount my tendency to leave puddles because I didn’t want to be interrupted by such ridiculous things as going pee.
She’ll move past it…I mean, I’m 30, and I hardly ever have accidents now.
Good luck!
No comments about potty training – my baby is 7 months, and I’m already dreading those future days. Just wanted to say I liked the new redesign of your site! Mmm, pretty! If I give you my shoes, can you make my interwebs look pretty?
I haven’t read through all of these comments but I just wanted to say that perhaps she has a UTI? With the frequency and the accidents maybe a visit to the doc? (I work in a pedi office!)
good luck!
Absolutely, and the don’t-care attitude seems to be more of a girl thing. I agree with other commenters, don’t make a big deal of it, but DO express a certain amount of disgust and make sure she is involved in cleanup. If you can interrupt during long play times and get her into the bathroom (ignoring all the usual protests about “don’t have to go”, of course), it might help.
I wouldn’t expect this phase to last all that long. It’s highly unlikely that this is “starting over”.
My youngest daughter who is now 7 did that all the time. When she started kindergarten, she never had accidents and then all of a sudden….wham.. She would get off the bus with wet pants,,,,,every…….single…….day. Until I called the teacher and said please I know you have like 20 kids to watch, but please oh please make her go before getting on the bus, and guess what it worked. She would also pee when she got in trouble, just like a little puppy who gets scolded too much…. Pee and Poop could be the death of me. hahha
no UTI symptoms, right? OK, then I vote on just not making a big deal out of it but having her do the work in changing herself, Have her rinse out her underwear. Have her get her change of clothing and dress herself. Maybe this will all seem boring and yucky and make her not want to got through it again.