Rarely I claim to blog “just for myself” – mainly because it’s entirely untrue. But tonight? I’m blogging for me. I just need to vent about a situation in which there are no parties in the wrong and nothing that can (or needs to) be changed. But I still am upset because I’m emotional and hormonal and sensitive and maybe I cried a few times tonight.
NikkiZ had an incident at school last week. One similar to the ones we had often for a few months earlier this year. Where she has gotten a little rough and bullied one particular girl with whom she has the most conflict. We hadn’t had one of these incidents in ages, so when NikkiZ mentioned it this weekend, I kinda blew it off and didn’t push for more details. Well, today, her teacher had to talk to me about it. I won’t go into the details because I don’t want this to be a situation where people feel the need to critique any of the parties involved. I’ll just tell you the main part – the girl’s parents spoke to the teacher about the incident. It was that bad, that now the parents are involved and want certain action on our part.
Now…let me reiterate…I do NOT believe anyone is in the wrong in this situation. As a rational bystander I support the school and the parents of the little girl. The parents are very justified in their request. However, I would not have made the same request if the roles were reversed. So, my overly emotional and very sensitive self took this whole situation as A) A personal attack on my parenting and B) A personal attack on my daughter. I feel this incredible need to insist that my daughter, while she does have her faults, is not evil. I feel like I need to prove this by regaling them with stories of her sweet side. I want to stick up for her and explain that BOTH the girls tend to antagonize each other. And point out that NikkiZ never has problems with anyone else in the class. Mainly…I just wanted to hug her and cry with her because she knew she was in trouble and that broke my heart.
But I didn’t do any of those things. I pulled the emotions away and saw the situation as valid and tried to act accordingly. We’ve issued punishments and come up with systems to monitor behavior. We’ve created ways for NikkiZ to quantify the evaluation of her days by her teacher and we’ve offered incentives. We’ve had Long Talks about what to do if we feel like being a bully with certain people and how to avoid those situations by playing with children who don’t push our buttons. We’ve instructed apologies to be made and hugs to be given. We’ve done exactly what we should do as parents behaving rationally.
All while trying to resist the urge to stick my tongue out and yell things about certain people having cooties.
I spend eight hours a day with other people’s three, four, and five-year-olds, and I HATE having to tell a parent that their child got in trouble. The look on a mom’s face when she finds out her child hit someone or refused to follow directions breaks my heart. But I’ve found that most of the time, the kids who get into trouble usually do so with one other kid, usually one who is an instigator. And you know what? From everything I’ve read about NikkiZ, and given my experience at work, I’m willing to bet that the other little girl AND her parents have LOTS of cooties.
Nobody as adorable as your little girl could be evil.
What an awkward situation.
Have you gotten the chance to meet her family? Maybe they would be open to a little collective brainstorming on how to keep things friendly between the girls.
Good luck!
That is why you are a good momma – you want to defend your beautiful girl but instead deal with it and cry in private at home. It does suck being a grown up sometime. I’m sorry you are having a rough evening.
Being a grown up IS hard, especially a good grown up when you are put in a position like this. I guarantee that other girl is no little angel… sorry Zoot!
I know you know this, since you are the mother of three children and have been in situations like this before, but I will say that I have been there too, with both of my kids. These things come and go. It seems so horrible in the moment, but a few weeks down the road it just goes away and I am left to wonder why I was so worried. It seems with kids that there is always something new to worry about, making the old worries seem not too bad. I guess what I am trying to say is don’t worry about it too much, talk to NikkiZ of course, but don’t dwell on it because soon it probably won’t even be an issue.
This is really a hard situation. When my son was in a large daycare situation he would come home BEAT up and this was during the ages of 18 months till about 2 years old. There were two little boys who were unmanageable and my son did nothing to stop their advances. We talked with him on and on about using his words to say stop and go to teacher and walk away from these boys.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when one of the boys took Matthew’s face in his hands and dragged his finger nails down his face resulting in raw scratches from his eyes down to his chin. We were mortified, upset, despondent. I truly did not dislike these kids and I was mad as could be. Also, the school barely did anything about it which made it worse.
The result: we lucked into a better smaller childcare situation but had we not lucked into the situation we would have left the school. My point, I swear there is one!, is that maybe NikkiZ needs a smaller group setting or a different teaching style to better engage her senses?
I just know that my son definitely did better in a smaller group setting. I am not saying run away from the situation and I am not there so I have no idea… I just know what my experiences were with a younger child in a bigger setting. Hope that is sort of helpful. Hang in there. I know she will get that she cannot do what she doing eventually but some times it takes time and can feel really bad until our sweet kids figure things out.
I have no idea what I would do if Piper was in that situation. But from what I have read, Kim, you are definitely not a bad momma. And you definitely care about NikkiZ. You don’t want her to be a bully, but dammit, what if she NEEDS to be?
I mean, she’s in with the older kids, right? Is this one particular child bullying her, but in a less physically aggressive way? Is she antagonzing NikkiZ mentally? Are the teachers aware that it’s two sided?
There was a little boy in Piper’s class that I had to request NOT play with her (and I can tell you why some other time). I overheard his mom denying all allegations. There was no reasoning with her. But the school moved them away from each other at the tables and nap time. And things are MUCH better now!
Hang in there!!! Being a Grown-Up is hard and it does suck sometimes. But we get through it…and are stronger for it (sometimes!)
It is so hard to be reasonable, rational and grown up when it comes to our kids. Good for you!
That sounds like a good plan, you are taking the high road. Hopefully the other parents are seeing that as well. I hope things get better soon, and you ARE a great parent.
I think that you can to the right thing, the rational thing, the best thing for everyone, while still letting your child know you love and support her unconditionally. It sounds like you’re striking a good balance between those two in a sucky situation. Hugs.
It must have been the night for feeling bad for our kids. Completely different situation for my Scout, but still, I wanted to cry.
Hang in there. Advocate for NikkiZ. Maybe if the teachers watch them a little more closely and step in if the girls need to be separated to ‘go to their corners’. Sometimes kids just get tired of playing so close to the kid next to them and lash out. Scout is always getting in trouble for responding, in kind, to his friends’ aggressions. (Pushing back when pushed, etc.) There is nothing wrong with you or NikkiZ and (hate to say it, but…) brace yourself, it will likely get worse over the next 15 years or so.
Those situations just suck. But you’re doing the right thing, giving NikkiZ direction and instruction while recognizing that sometimes two kids just rub each other the wrong way.
I have always liked your blog and generally agree with you. Yes, there are usually two sides to each story. Maybe this little girl’s parents are OVERLy sensitive. But please, do not let your child be the BULLY. Start early with her like you have, because you don’t want her to be ‘that kid’ that pushs all the other kids around. Nobody likes a bully!!
I’m so very sorry. I hope things are heading in the right direction for you all now.
I wanted to respond to you yesterday, but I was not sure what to write. This type of situation can be so tough!
I have similar stories as I have a 8 year old & a 2 year old who both have had problems with being the bully & being the victim. We faced this type of situation when my 8 year old was 2, & lasted until she was 4-1/2, almost 5. She was a biter which turned into a hitter – she was the bully. We sent her to an affluent preschool w/plenty of SAHMs to volunteer & Junior Leaguers in the classrooms. So, parents knew who was the biter or the hitter – my child.
I know you did not ask for advice or help. I think your parenting style of addressing & punishment is right on. Nip this in the bud now – the girls will likely end up best friends. Since the parent are involved, make sure to be your child’s advocate & stay strong. The teacher needs to be watching closely & monitoring this as well. With reinforcement from you at home & a great attentive teacher, the behavior will most likely stop. Hang in there!!
Yeah, it’s hard when it’s your kid that did something wrong, especially when the situation isn’t as black and white as the other party makes it seem.
Last year we had a situation where Monk was a biter at daycare. My kid, a biter! (Okay, I can actually kind of see that. Anyway…) In that situation, daycare has the policy not to tell the parents of the bitten who the biter was, but — and this I do NOT agree with — they don’t even tell the biter’s parents. However, at age 3 they can rat each other out. We were lucky that he bit his best friend one of the times (umm, that came out wrong…), and not only did his best friend tell us but also he confessed, so we were able to address the issue at home.
It sounds like your approach is similar to what ours was, and therefore I obviously agree with it (even though I know you didn’t ask for advice). Also, as a teacher myself, it sounds like you’re doing a great job. Let it be known that in situations like this, teachers know that there is hardly ever one side that it purely innocent. What you say about button pushing is very true.
Good for you for being so grown up about it. Me? I’d probably have bitten the other mom.