Is It Friday Yet?
I’m having a bad week. I mean, it’s so bad that the emotions that welled up in me last night watching So You Think You Can Dance had me bawling so hard at the Melissa/Ade Tyce D’Orio routine that I had to stop the recording as I was unable to see through my tears nor hear through my own sobs.
Maybe it’s still having to do stuff with Dad’s estate. I’ve not made any real steps to getting the house sold. I’m still dealing with things like retirement accounts and paying medical bills for services that DIDN’T WORK. HE DIED. QUIT SENDING ME BILLS. I probably should quit wearing his watch. Everytime I look down I get sad. But I can’t bear to part with it. Not yet.
Maybe I’m tired from staying up too late hanging out with teenagers who are much younger and don’t have jobs and could sleep in the next day unlike me who just starts to resemble a zombie around 1pm every day.
Maybe I’m still sick from bizarre foods not previously in my diet but currently in my house to keep the teenagers fed. Teenagers eat a lot of junk, did you know that? And that food makes me VERY sick. And I’m more prone to eat that food when my mood is low. Did I mention my mood is low? At one point this week I was hoping I had the Swine Flu because at least that ends at some point. Even if it is in death.
Maybe I’m depressed about not being at BlogHer this year. Maybe I’m disappointed in myself for not being MORE depressed. Maybe I’m disappointed that I’m almost relieved to have an excuse not to be there since I suck at the social functions.
Maybe I’m pissed off at the medical world for suggesting putting tubes in my son’s ears this week when this is his first REAL ear infection and they’ve only tried two antibiotics. My instinct says NO NO NO but my heart wonders if I’m just being stubborn and shouldn’t I just trust them and do what they say? (NO NO NO!)
Maybe I’m sad because I’m coming more and more to the realization that we should not have any more kids. We kept saying we’d wait and decide that for sure in 2011 (when NikkiZ starts FREE school!) but I feel like I’ve made that decision now. We can’t afford it. Not with money or with sanity. Especially if my oldest starts college in four years and we, so far, have about 10K saved up for him. That should be enough, right?
Maybe the rain is getting to me. After weeks of sun and one weekend of perfect temperatures, maybe Mother Nature spoiled me and this rain she’s thrown at me this week is screwing with my moods.
Maybe I’m freaking out over my son starting high school in two weeks. This is the beginning of the end and I’m not ready to start letting go. I just want to wrap my arms around him, decide to homeschool him these last four years and encourage he attend college here in Huntsville. While living at home. I am not ready to let go yet. I still need him.
Maybe it’s just everything. Maybe this is just one of those weeks where the universe tests me to see how much I can handle.
Mr/Ms Universe? I’ve had enough. Thank you. Please replace the shitballs you’re throwing with sunshine and rainbows. Thanks.
(((((Kim)))))
I say it is all of the above. Hang in there.
I am SUPER impressed that you have a good amount of money saved up for you son for college. That is GREAT. Mine are 3 and 1 and I havent started a college fund. I guess I am just hoping they get scholarships…
Don’t jump on the ear tube bandwagon just yet. My daughter had repeat ear infections when she started day care at 12 months, antibiotics were not working. We had an awesome doctor and he suggested trying a prophylatic drug ( basically a daily medicine that would stave off ear infections until her ear cannals were bigger- like 5 months or so).
I feel for you, Kim. Really, I do. Particularly on the estate settlement front I am watching my grandma attempt to settle two estates for relatives who passed away within months of each other. My heart hurts for her because it is so much for her to do.
Also, I think you should listen to your mommy gut. You are an intelligent, reasonable person who knows your son best.
I just wanted to say I was here and listening. *hugs*
I Love you ya’ know..and I’m here if you need me
I hope the sun will start shining again soon, inside and out…
Sorry you’re having such a rough week!
Huge hug coming your way. Honey, you have been though a heck of a lot this past year. Grief sucks. Grief makes you really understand the meanings of the b words, bereavement and bereft. I think your having a bad week. Some weeks it’s all you can do but make it to the weekend, hang on in there.
I agree that its pretty darn early to be talking about tubes (unless there’s something very unusual about the shape of his ear canals).
I hope things lighten up for you soon. Hang in there!
Sending hugs. It’s just been that kind of week, apparently – I’ve been feeling depressed and panicky as well.
Also: I think that if you have $10K saved up for Lil’Z, that’s a fantastic start! Especially as he seems like the kind of kid who will go far with scholarships. Don’t discount the value of those – I got through my first 2 years of school on scholarships.
Don’t stop wearing that watch until you’re ready. One day you’ll look at it and smile again.
(((hugs)))
I know those days and weeks well. You know what a friend told me recently? It is OKAY. It does help to vent. I wish I had magic answers or solutions or grand things to say to help you, I don’t other than it is Okay, it will be okay, and you know what? As hard as it to believe, it really will be okay. Take everything day by day…..
This is the kind of post where I want desperately to delurk to say something helpful and thoughtful and well-written, but can’t think of anything except: I’m sorry. I hope it gets better soon.
I’m having a week too. Although now I feel better knowing others are feeling low with me.
*hugs*
we need 1.) mexican food! 2.) beer for you marg’s for me 3.) to wear leggings and 4.) it all to be just the two of us.
ok, you get to wear the leggings dang it! when can we do this? tonight?
Regarding the tubes…a friend of mine’s son was about to get tubes and then she took him to the chiropractor and he did not have to get them. I don’t know why and I know that most pediatricans do not support chiropractic care (so you just do not mention it) but I think it is worth a try before undergoing surgery especially at such a young age and after so few ear infections.
I hope you weekend is better!
it is me you are missing. i know. i miss you so much too, girl.
so many hugs and kisses from me to you!
Just from reading your blog, I can see why you don’t wanna let go of LilZ, but I can also tell from the things you write that he will NEVER let go of you, even if he’s off at college somewhere else. The incredible, special relationship you have with him can withstand high school, college, and beyond. :]
When my oldest started college last year, we had exactly $50 saved. Loans. Federal and private. It’s the only way to do it in this economy. Some are in her name, some in ours, and we’ll pay them as long as we can, but at some point, it’ll be her responsibility. It’s her education, her future, her career. Anyway, don’t despair, there are ways to get through the college thing. Hang in there.
TUBES? really? in my area they say 6 infections in 6 months = tubes, and not minute before. Tell them to suck it.
I say wear that watch as long as you want. Keep him close and cry whenever you need to.
And don’t forget to go for some long jogs to help you remember how you fit into the beauty of the world.
Sending you virtual hugs as well.
Sending you sunshine and rainbows from NC. Hang in there.
Hang in there. I’m sure it’s a combination of all of the above.
On the no-more-babies front, I just had that procedure Tuesday along with a hopefully-no-more-period procedure. So I know how you feel.
Many hugs!
So sorry you are feeling so low. You have been thru so much this year! Hang in there and it will be better soon.
LilZ going to high school is sad I know. My son is starting high school too. I told my husband that this has been harder for me than sending him to kidergarten. I think it is the pulling away from us part.
Don’t do tubes yet for AndyZ. My son who is 4 has tubes and they are wonderful but he had ear infections for months and months before it was suggested. One stubborn ear infection should not make him a candidate for tubes. Trust that Mommy instinct!! It is always right!
Sending you sunshine and rainbows!
Argh. I’m sorry, dear. The week is almost over and it will get better.
Gasp, You’ve got A LOT on your plate. Cut yourself some slack and take care of YOURSELF. Sending you colorful, sunshiney thoughts. xo
If he’s okay with going to a state school and gets good grades, there’s a good chance he’ll get a great scholarship (yes, the economy is going to be in a better place when he goes to school and they’ll be offering mroe scholarships). If he gets excellent grades and test scores and is willing to take a “free ride” at a school that offers him one-he can probably go for barely any money at all. There’s also the option of going to school in Canada* (which is what I did, but I was a Canadian citizen at the time-still, there are TONS of Americans in Canadian schools because of the financial issue).
Don’t worry about it. Even if you can’t pay off all of it, you can help, and it makes a BIG difference.
I hope your week gets better.
*Just keep in mind that some schools have a very different college culture than American schools. I was expecting a more “American” experience from the age of 12 onwards but I ended up going to a very European-esque Canadian school that my parents had wanted me to go to since I grew up in Quebec. It didn’t really deliver on that, but was a good experience nonetheless. Also, I came out of school with zero loans because I had a couple of academic scholarships.
I also want to say that I ABSOLUTELY agree with you about the junk food. It causes some sort of chemical reaction in my brain and blood I think. Especially if I eat something with a lot of sugar, I get a sugar crash that makes me depressed.
So sorry you are feeling crappy, though you certainly have reasons to feel however you need to feel! I just hope things get better.
I totally understand. It sounds rough. My son is 2 and a half and sometimes I’m on the verge of tears thinking about him leaving for college in SIXTEEN YEARS.
Hugs. Hope it gets better soon.
Melissa/Ade/Tyce brought me to tears last night, too, but then I lost a very close, lifelong, friend to metastatic breast cancer in March. So yeah, I know.
You’ll take your dad’s watch off when you’re ready; when it feels right.
You have a lot going on. A lot of crap has happened in the past year. Count your blessings, focus on all the good because you have a whole lot of that going on, too.
*hugs*
*hug*
(((((hug)))))
Wish I had some sunshine and/or rainbows to send your way. At the very least, may tomorrow be (even a slightly) better day.