I’m a “But…”-head.
I am not very good at apologies. Both with my children and my husband I am guilty of the, “I’m sorry, but…” technique of apology. And it – I know – is the worst way to apologize. Sometimes, it’s necessary. “I’m sorry, but I thought your head was a my pillow!” when you accidentally grabbed your husband’s face and clawed his eyes in the middle of the night. (What?) There are those rare times when adding a reason why you did what you did may make someone feel better about your behavior. But for me? Often it’s more phrased like, “I’m sorry you’re angry at me but here’s why my actions were justified.” Which, in reality? Is NOT an apology for those actions. It’s actually quite insulting. I know that, yet I do it anyway.
The most common variety is, “I’m sorry I was a bitch, but you deserved it.”
And you know? Why waste the time? Just so I can say, “What? I apologized?!” Because that is NOT an apology and probably means I’m not really sorry for what I did, I’m just sorry that the other person is angry. I’m really, really bad about this (if my husband read my blog he’d be nodding his head so hard right now he’d be getting whiplash) and I’m very, very aware of it. MrZ does it too sometimes (although not as often as I do) and it bugs the shit out of me. For example, this is a cycle in our house:
MrZ can’t find item X.
MrZ assumes I’ve thrown away item X.
I assure him I didn’t and get mad he thinks I did.
MrZ finds item X.
MrZ says, “I’m sorry I thought you threw X away. But, you throw everything away!”
And I spend the next hour defending that accusation.
9 times out of 10, when I do an, “I’m sorry, but…” apology to either MrZ or LilZ, they end up doing the same thing – turning around and defending the “but…” part of the accusation. If your apology causes someone to say anything other than, “Thank you for your apology…” then you might be doing it wrong. And I do it wrong all the time.
I think that it’s because the “but…” part of my apology is a point I really want made. What I need to understand is there’s a time to bring up that point that is not part of the apology. Thrown in with the apology just makes it like I never said I was sorry. Whereas, if I bring it up during calmer times not associated with that specific apology, then the “I’m Sorry,” is truly sincere and very appreciated. And more often than not? The “but…” part is already in their mind. I know that MrZ accuses me of throwing stuff away because I’m kinda the opposite of a packrat. I really hate keeping things that aren’t immediately useful or necessary. I give shit to goodwill all the time that we end up replacing a few years later. So, I know that when he thinks I threw something away, he has a good reason. He just doesn’t need to remind me of that.
So…I’ve been thinking about how, once I put my mind to it, I was able to make lifestyle changes and fashion changes (I’ve looked nice for work everyday for TWO WEEKS now) in my life then maybe I should work on things that affect other people as well. First up? My method of apology. I’m going to try to practice the art of the Sincere Apology. The one that I truly mean so much that I don’t try to redirect that blame to the other person with a “but…” statement. Sincere apologies go so far. If you’ve ever received one, you know how much of a difference it makes.
What about you? Are you a “But…”-head? Hee. How do you let go of your pride (because my GOD that’s the hardest part) long enough to give a sincere apology? Or to even ADMIT one is needed? (Because, you know, I’m never wrong and am perfect in every way.) Even better, are you the victim of a “But…”-head? If you are often the victim of this type of less-insincere apology, I’d like to hear from you too. Does the apology even mean anything with the “but…” at the end? I’m betting 90% of my apologies are null and void because of that wonderful, “but…” I always throw in.
We now open the floor to our first ever “But…”-heads anonymous meeting:
My name is LaShawn and I am a “But..”-head.
It is terrible and I really REALLY hate when people do it to me. I need to work on that.
oh yeah. yes. BUT! like you, I’m making efforts to change it. Instead of a “I’m sorry I yelled at your, But you accused me of…” I’ll say, for example, “I lost my temper because I thought you were accusing me of X, and I’m sorry for putting it on you – that wasn’t fairof me. I’m sorry I lost my temper before talking to you first” or whatever. Basically, I’ve been making efforts to piut my “but” first, and then apologize for my “but” and for my actions. I’m not sure if it’s really better, but it seems to be working. there’a lot less accusing, and seems to be more understanding and talking things out.
Does that make sense? I hope so.
Good luck – it’s such a hard thing to put our egos aside. Stupid Egos.
I am so guilty of this. I like Jessica’s suggestion, though — it sounds like step 2 of our personal 12 step program!
I never apologize. I am always right.
No really I actually don’t know what I do. I think I just say I am sorry….I may have in fact said, but once or twice….maybe more, just never noticed.
I am also guilty of this. Sometimes I do feel sincerely sorry and I apologize, but other times I feel like I shouldn’t apologize b/c I’m justified and that’s when I start adding in “but…”
I am a teacher and a couple of years ago I read this great book called Choice Words. It talks about how what you say is perceived (in reference to children, but it applies to everyone, I think) and it specifically states how using the word “but” negates what you have said before it. For instance if you say to a child “You did a great job writing this story, but you spelled some words wrong” all they hear is that they spelled some words wrong. They suggest using “and” instead. You wrote a great story and if we look up a few of these words that will help make it even better.
I wonder if the same could apply to apologies?
I think I am a pretty good apologizer, but my husband is horrible. He cannot admit that he is ever wrong, so his apologies are always some form of “I’m sorry, but it’s not really my fault.” Aargh. It is very frustrating.
It’s awesome that you know you do this and want to work on it!
I am just like that.
I am going to try and stop it. Only sincere apologies.
I’m trying to get better at apologizing, because I end up doing so much of it. One of my least favorite apologies, and I’m very guilty of it myself, is, “I’m sorry if I offended you . . .” Doesn’t sound sincere at all. “I’m sorry that I offended you” is much better. We’re all learning as we go along.
Guilty as charged, BUT I am also a victim of it and of double-standards! So, I feel that gives me the right to use the “BUT-Head” way of apologizing.
I’m sorry, but I’m never wrong!
*wink*
My husband uses, “I’m sorry for my part in this disagreement”. I HATE that. MY part? Of course you’re sorry for YOUR part. By saying that, he is basically saying, “I’m sorry for my part, but it wasn’t all my fault, so now you should apologize for what you did, too”. GRRRR! He is working on it though.
Delurking, be nice.
Maybe, if you feel the need to add a “but” to your apologies… you aren’t sorry and therefore shouldn’t be apologizing? If you can’t give a full apology, then don’t?
@Hannah -
That’s EXACTLY my point! often I’m NOT sorry when I say “but” – BUT I want to be able to say, “Hey! I apolgized!” which is CHEATING. hehe.
So, buy avoiding the use of the word “BUT” I have to truly commit to the apology. And truly MEAN it! And if I can’t, I don’t deserve the “out” that the “but” method gives me. hehe.
Ohh…LaShawn beat me to the “I’m a But…head” joke:)
I’m glad you brought this up, because my husband and I have been trying really hard to stop doing this to each other. The funny thing is that it can be the other way around too. You say your sorry, then the other person continues on about how you wronged them. Sometimes we both end up saying to each other…”Just accept the apology.”
I’m a total ‘but’-head. And my boyfriend is, too. AND we argue about who is worse! I think often it’s a case of us being too stubborn for our own good. I think a big part of it is I feel the need to apologize for every little thing, things that don’t really have anything to do with ME, and any time I even get the inklink that something I did MAY have done something to upset the other person. And sometimes I apologize just to stop the argument, even if I still think I was right. *Sigh* I’ve got a long way to go to stop being a ‘but’-head, but I am trying! As my pastor pointed out a long time ago, I really DON’T have to be right all the time…
I think your idea is wonderful! I agree how nice it would be to just hear, for once, I’m sorry, and let the matter drop. The matter is often a bit more complicated than that though, imho. My husband and I have had the same problem as you, as to where I’ve put item “X”. My hubby is a packrat and I’m partially a packrat, until! I start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of junk we’ve accumulated – then I get a bit brutal about tossing the stuff out. What I thought of when I read your post is that by MrZ assuming you threw out item “x” is that he’s insulting or attacking (on some level) your methods of keeping a clean and organized home. Being a non-packrat is a good thing and it takes some hard, consistent work. Somehow, MrZ has found a way of throwing it up in your face and making you feel defensive about it, instead of appreciating you for the effort you’ve put in. If this makes sense, and if this rings a little true for you, maybe also consider what the other person is saying in their “but” (because there will still be “buts out there) and find a better way to deal with them than to let them push your defensive buttons. Maybe, separately, find a way to make MrZ more involved in what gets tossed just so he’ll be more informed about the general whereabouts of the things you have? I know, I’m getting very preachy, and I’m going off topic. I stop that now. I’m sorry:) Excellent post, Zoot, I’m going to work on this, too.
Hm. Not sure I do this or, if I do, how often. I’ll have to watch out for it in my behaviour now that it’s been brought to my attention.
My hubby and I have tried to be very good at just saying “I’m sorry”… we’ve worked out a system that lets us defuse a situation… and on the receiving end too. Sometimes the recipient of the apology is so mad, they could easily keep things going. So we try to say “ok – I accept your apology, but I’m still angry. We’ll talk some more about this when we’ve both cooled off.” It’s like sticking to a script and we’ve had some minor setbacks, but for the most part we really try. And we’ve been married 20 years, so I think it’s working!
Wow. This post and all the comments are totally resonating with me! I’m a but-head and to a certain extent, so is my husband. You’re right, a but-pology is not an apology at all. I just wish my husband would listen to the why’s of my decisions! He’s super analytical and I roll on gut instinct… I don’t think I need to apologize when I make a decision that’s different than one he would have made — it’s not wrong! That is why I so often toss that but in. I think that I need to make a bigger effort to talk with him about the meta of the way we fight — that it’s so often caused by differing opinions, not concrete mistakes — so that we don’t have arguments about things like the best way to drive to the store, just about who forgot the milk! (Holy crow, sorry for hijacking your comments.)
I don’t do the “but” thing, but (ha ha) I had a roommate once, and we fought ALL THE TIME. She got her feelings hurt over everything I did, so eventually my apologies turned into “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Because I got so tired of saying I had done something wrong.
Those apologies never went over well.
OHMYGOD, MY HUSBAND DOES THIS AND IT MAKES MY EYEBALLS IMPLODE INTO MY BRAIN.
“Honey, we don’t turn down this road to get to our house.”
“I’M SORRY, BUT YOUR TALKING DISTRACTED ME AND I WOULD’VE MADE THE RIGHT TURN IF YOU HADN’T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.”
I learned the hard way that a simple “I sincerely apologize and I wish I would have done things differently” goes a long, long ways. But yeah, I am a recovered But…Head
Hello- My name is Dawn and I am a but head aholic.
I don’t usually go with ‘but’, but ‘if’. I’m sorry if you feel/think blah blah blah. So not a real apology. I will say that my husband is much better, usually offering the simple and sincere ‘I’m sorry.’ However, he often does it so early in the disagreement that I fail to hear him or outright ignore it because I haven’t gotten all of my anger out yet
Yep, I’m a winner.
I am so guilty of this!!! I need to work on it, too. Thanks for the reminder
)
Awesome post and a good reminder! I’m always annoyed that I don’t get *enough* apologies, but my husband would be justified if he hasn’t had *sincere* enough apologies. Working on it.
I was SO incredibly guilty of this until a few years ago, when a friend came right out and kicked me in the butt about it (figuratively, of course). Since then I have become excellent at putting the “but…” aside and just apologizing. If I think that my apology is going to have a “but…” attached, I just don’t say it. And then later, when logic prevails, and I no longer feel the need to add anything, I can apologize sincerely. I found that when I apologize right away, that’s when I need to add a “but..” thereby making it totally insincere. If I wait a bit, I generally don’t feel the need to defend myself or add a comment, and then all is well with the world. Plus, when you delay an apology, people take it more seriously and appreciate it more, as it’s not just an off-the-cuff response.
My husband says when you use the word but in an apology you erase everything you said before that word. Soo..I don’t do that anymore.
I do the same thing, which I think is why I always notice when others do. My other favourite is when people say, “I’m sorry you were offended” – which again, not an apology for what they actually did!
I’ve got a few things on a self-improvement to do list too.
Good on ya for working at turning over a new leaf
I have definitely been guilty of this in the past. I would feel bad about it, but I’m always right. Ha.
Actually I am probably even worse, always using the non-apology apology phrasing like “I’m sorry you feel that way.” God, that one is awful. I should really try not to do that.
Absolutely I am guilty of this! My best friend from college said that I got mad that anyone else was mad at me…I can’t stand it! (I really hate people being mad at me.) I also see it as trying to explain my point of view, or why I did something that upset someone. I just want them to understand where I’m coming from…seriously! But…now I have some great tools from the comments to help me out.
I think the universe is trying to tell me something today. Yours is about the 5th article I’ve come across about apologizing, nurturing your relationships, etc. I’m going to have to call my husband here soon and take responsibility for my crappy attitude as of late.
I’ve learned that I can’t give a meaningful apology while I’m still upset, moody or whatever it was that caused me to behave in a way that requires an apology. I take a time out – just a few minutes usually, but however long it takes to come back to my senses and really feel bad about it. Then, I go apologize. It sounds like I mean it, because at that point I do. If it requires an explanation to get myself out of the way for long enough to get that time out, I’ll say “I’m sorry, but I think I need a few minutes.” That doesn’t come off as snarky, because its honestly about me and not them.
I’ve been working on this too, in hopes that my husband will stop saying “sorry” (with raised eyebrows and a sarcastic tone). The second part for us is that when someone sincerely apologizes, you have to accept that and move on — no more coming back to the same point (unless they do the same thing again — in that case, I hold that they weren’t really sorry, because if you were really sorry you’d STOP DOING IT.)
I’m a chronic thrower-awayer too, btw. Sorry, but sometimes that crap just has to go!