Most bloggers who write about the struggles of parenting at some point have to tackle the issue of ASSVICE – the unwanted, and often snottily given, parenting advice. I have very rarely dealt with this (thank goodness) but it has happened in small doses a handful of times. No biggie. However, recently I’ve been facing an odd assortment of dilemmas I think I’d just like your input. Especially on the oldest child because I’ve learned that those of us who have teens, also respect their privacy and aren’t going to discuss any parental qualms that relate to them. However, the questions that relate to the teenager are more me getting a feel for other Parents of Teens “rules” or “boundaries” they set at home. Feel free to answer each of these individually – or just weigh in on the ones you think you can help with. So, since I’m requesting your input – and as long as it’s done nicely – it’s simply advice. Which is what we parents in communities seek out from each other sometimes. It takes a village, you know.
- Bed wetting. (Totally not related to the teenager, I SWEAR.) NikkiZ has had three accidents recently, even on nights we make sure she relieves herself before bed. I’m guessing we should start by limiting her fluids past a certain time, but I’m not sure what amount/time that should be. Any suggestions? She goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 every night.
- Bed sharing. NikkiZ has also been sneaking into our bed in the wee hours of the morning, often after around 3am or so. Personally, this doesn’t bother me at all and I kinda like the snuggle time. It makes MrZ crazy. (Especially when this problem combines with the first one…which it did last night.) So, we are going to try to put a stop to it. Do you just try to escort your child back to their own bed when they enter your room or do you wake them up enough to explain and then risk that they’re awake for good. I’m terrified that she’ll wake up for the day when I try to get her back to her own bed and as always in my case: When Good Parenting Battles With Good Sleep? Good Sleep Always Wins. I’d probably let her sleep with us until she was 40 if it meant I could sleep longer.
- High School Grades. What are your policies? How do you establish those policies to make sure school is a higher priority than friends and/or entertainment? Sometimes I wonder if the better method is to quantify time spent on school work. Example: If you sit at the kitchen table and work on something for at least X hours every night, then I know you’re working hard and the actual grades are not as important. Or, if you know your child is just prioritizing poorly, do you just lay out the grades you expect/know they can get. If you do that, and they don’t get the grades you think would indicate proper prioritizing, what do you do as “punishment”? Or do you just reward grades with something like money?
- How do you feel about the general concept negotiating with teenagers? I feel like it’s very important to have a working relationship with quality dialog with my teenager. After a few big struggles about my Black and White stance on a lot of things, LilZ begged me to periodically see the Gray. To not just say, “NO!” because it breaks a rule or doesn’t side along with a restriction I’ve already established. This works for us because sometimes things are really important and he knows that technically I have to say “No!” if I’m sticking to my guns, but I’ve learned that sometimes he has a point: Sometimes things are super important and maybe require special consideration. Often? I still say, “No.” But sometimes, like this weekend, I take an exchange. (I feel like specifics would help explain this but I don’t want to embarrass my son by publicly claiming some of my silly rules.) I feel like it keeps an open line of communication instead of me just constantly saying, “No!” and not hearing anything he has to say. Or, am I being a wuss and not staying consistent?
- AndyZ really likes to feed the dogs when he’s eating. HOW DO WE MAKE HIM STOP? He is sneaky about it, like they’ve worked out some sort of agreement together or something. He’ll just be eating, minding his own business, and the second I get up from the table he’s got his fork to the ground letting the dogs chow on his pork chop. We can’t leave them outside during dinner because their door is at the dining room and the scratching would kill us. Do I just accept the fact that my dogs are eating better than my kids? And just wait for the day when AndyZ is truly old enough to understand the whole, “No!” concept? Or is there a better solution? Like feeding him dogfood so that if he does give it to the dogs they won’t really care so much about it. What?
So…have at it. AND BE NICE, please. Remember, I’m a sensitive girl who often cries at the mere indication that maybe I’m doing things wrong as a parent. I also often cry at OnStar commercials. I’m just like that.
And also – how do you convince your kids to share the kitty condo with the cats?
My son (after never having an accident in his life) wet the bed three nights in a row the week he started kindergarten. I immediately called the pediatrician and was told he was just exhausted. They were right!
Possibly have NikkiZ checked for a UTI, though?
re: grades and high school. A coworker told her son that if he got lower than a B on any course, she was going to hire a private tutor to come twice a week to help him get his grades up. Turns out that offer of consistent help was enough motivation to convince her teenager that he could do it himself.
I’d say cut off Nikki’s fluids at least an hour before bedtime, maybe two, and restrict before that
That’s usually about how long it takes things to pass through? Just make sure she’s staying well hydrated early in the day! (I know the daycare I worked at was really good about the kids each having their water bottles!)
I think also from what I know of your relationship with E that the negotiation is not inherently a bad thing. Just make sure to stay strong when it really matters, and focus on consideration for all family members (If I let you stay up til 2, I’d be cranky as heck the next morning, and take it out on Mrz/nikki/andy, sort of thing!)
I think you’re really a terrific mother – there are some things from you I’ve learned I hope to apply in future years (yknow, if I get to have kids!!) and so those are just the two things I have opinions on. Feel free to ignore me at will
First, it sounds like you’re doing a fabulous job. I think you’re much better at this parenting gig than I. But, my 2 cents in the off chance it might help:
1. Bed wetting: I say have the person who stays up the latest take her to the potty before they go to bed. It worked for one of mine. 11pm potty break. He always went right back to sleep and didn’t wet the bed.
2. Bed sharing: We made the kids get a sleeping bag and put it on the floor. That loses it’s appeal much quicker than the bed.
3. Grades, no idea. We’re dealing with this too.
4. I’m a negotiator. I think it’s a skill they need as adults and it helps them see why you make the decisions that you do which in turn helps them make decisions on their own. Think of it as a teaching moment.
5. Not a clue.
Good luck!
I would say that when I was a high-schooler my mom said “maybe” about 80% of the time. Then I had a chance to make my case about why it was ok and she bought herself some time to compare what I was ready to do with how good/bad a mood she was in at that moment. I was a good kid who rarely felt thwarted but did miss out on stuff.
As for the bed wetting, I think it’s a stage all young children go through. I’d definitely restrict drinks at least an hour or two before bedtime.
The getting into your bed? Supernanny (whom I adore) would just walk them into their own bedroom. A lot of the times when its happened with my own children, they really don’t care where they woke up – although sometimes they think it’s funny.
Grades? Ouch – hard one! When our nephew lived with us our thing was always that we just wanted to see him make a great effort. If he was spending a good amount of time studying and working (and I do mean studying and not daydreaming – he was prone to do that), and his grades stayed consistent or went up, we were happy. If they started to slide we had a big discussion about what we all could do to help him to learn better.
As for the gray area – I’ve got to say, from everything that I’ve read, you’ve got an amazing kid. I think that he’s getting close to the age now where you’ve got to trust in the values that you have given him (which sound like some great ones) and definitely to listen to what he really wants. If he is to come to you with a clear, thought-out reason he wants to do something (not just “because I want to”), or why he feels that your rule shouldn’t apply, I’d definitely take what he’s saying to heart.
I second the sleeping bag idea. My son will come sleep on the floor in our room if he has a bad dream or is scared of a storm. He feels safer, and our sleep isn’t disturbed.
My sister and I were never rewarded or punished for our grades. If we were struggling in a subject, my parents spent extra time helping us study or hired a tutor in one case for math trouble. If grades slipped, they cut back on extra-curriculars to give us more time to study. We may have gotten a treat if we had an awesome report card or really brought up grades in subjects we had been struggling with, but it was small. Mostly, they expected decent grades and created an atmosphere where we could achieve them. Kinda like work — you just do it, and you may get a bonus for exceptional performance.
I feel the need to say something on the grade front first….
I am not anti-school or anti-grades…HOWEVER, I do not think grades are the only indication of how well a child is doing in school. I do feel though that we each have a sense of what our student is capable of. If that child is not reaching that potential it is our jobs to find out why and steer them to a better direction. Perhaps talking to his teachers to see if the problem is just him being bored and tuning out the work (that was me in school) or if he is truly struggling with certain things.
We do need to teach our kids time management. I can speak on this because I was NOT good at this until I was about 17. My parents tried and tried and tried….my band teacher was the one who eventually got it through to me (she was a scary yet awesome woman).
On negotiating with teens: My parents were great about always hearing us out. I do think as they get older it is important that we let them explain their side. Even if the end result is still a no at least they know we are listening. Of course, I struggle with this and my oldest is only 9. Oye I don’t look forward to him being a teen….*sigh*
I also suck at the bed sharing…most mornings we end up with me, hubby, 3 year old, 2 year old AND the dog in our bed. Sleep is precious to me.
I have no advice on the teenager — teens as a group still scare the bejeezus out of me! Though my brother’s daughter and your son are prime examples of why it is not necessarily to be feared
For B, they do a lot of talking things through. There are still some hot-button things that are always no but everyone is aware of what those are. After that, things at least warrant a discussion, especially if it’s something really important to her. She’s a great kid, so I think that method works. And your son seems just as incredible, so I think you’re definitely doing it right.
I’m also no help on the feeding the dogs situation as we didn’t have one at that point with the lowercase.
We haven’t had an issue with bed wetting, but then, he is a bed sharer — a lot of the time, if we’re tired we don’t even bother to put him in his bed because he’ll just wake us up crawling into ours later. As a result, he still wears pull-ups at night (though they are ALWAYS dry in the morning — I just don’t want the pee in my bed!!) Maybe that’s a tactic that will work “If you want to get in our bed, you have to wear pull ups or a diaper…” If she really hates the idea of wearing those at this age, maybe she won’t get in your bed as much? I’m like you though — I love the cuddly snuggle time and never turn him away when he wants in my bed…and I love my sleep so I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that extra hour!
About AndyZ feeding the dogs, can you make the dogs unavailable during mealtimes? Have them outside or enclosed in another room?
As far as the teenager goes, we’re kind of struggling with the grades here at home as well. At the beginning of the school year, my son asked if we could try things a new way. His idea was for everyone to lay off and leave him alone about getting things done. I said “Okay, as long as that works then that’s how we’ll do it. But when I look online and see that you’re missing some assignments, we go back to doing things my way.” And we are back to doing things my way. He started off well, but it’s hard for him to maintain it. The tiniest thing happens and it just throws him completely off the game.
He has also let me know that the next few weeks carry an intense workload. Normally he goes to youth group after school on Wednesdays but I’ve advised him to come home today instead to work on homework. I made it clear that it’s my way of being able to help him, making sure he’s got time to do his work, and not a punishment.
His work area is in the kitchen, so we can see when he’s working and when not. He has a desk in his room…but he’s also got other shiny, distracting objects in his room as well.
It’s been a while since I dealt with toddler issues so my mind is a little rusty, but I like Heidi’s ideas there.
As for the feeding of the dogs I would look at it as a dog issue not a child issue – because you don’t have enough to do – I’d try to teach the dogs to stay away from the eating area when you’re eating. Good old sit & stay.
Homework – studying and dealing with teenagers. This could be windy… We require that all homework is turned in on time – if it isn’t then we remove distractions (cell phone, internet, tv.. etc) until it is all turned in AND there have been a reasonable # of days to feel the sting (1 or 2 usually does it). Grades are tough, if I believe my son isn’t getting a good enough grade I contact the teacher to see what their impressions are. Sometimes an A or even a B isn’t realistic for my child – sometimes a C represents a lot of hard work and that is okay. Of course when he “skates” in math and gets an A I let that slide
We use the same philosophy with removing distractions to increase studying & effort.
Negotiate – negotiate- negotiate. There are things that are non-negotiable (boy-girl sleepover) and things that you can bend on (later curfew for a special event). If you never bend the rules I have a feeling that eventually they all get broken.
i can’t wait to read some of the responses because you know i need a lot of the same advice.
and also, AndyZ is sneaking and feeding the animals from the table?!? that is funny!!
I’m not a parent yet so I have zero street cred but I wonder if the bed wetting and bed sharing are related. Maybe she’s having some anxiety at night? Just a thought.
You have a lovely family!
I have no advice, assvice or otherwise. I only have one child and he is the size of your little one. I simply wanted to commiserate. He keeps feeding the dog and then saying, BAD DOG. After he has handed his food to the dog. We have no idea what to do, either. I will be following the comments with bated breath.
For your daughter, do you think she’s maybe cold at night? Just a thought. I’ve heard that when they get cold while sleeping, they will sometimes wet the bed. Also, sometimes the cold wakes them up and then they want to crawl into bed with you.
My daughter’s done that a lot lately as well, but I think she actually has a UTI (as someone suggested above). She’s done the snuggling thing on and off for awhile and I just let her. I figure that I’ve got maybe a year while she still WANTS to do this and since she’s my baby, yeah. I’m soaking in the snuggles while I can.
For your son, I think its awesome that you allow the possibilities of “gray” areas and actually listen to him. Just…..awesome. I never got that growing up and I just find that incredible. I think one of the most important things to remember, for both of your dilemmas is that you are still trying to help shape his character. Ask him the questions, “Why do you think I should/shouldn’t let you do this” and have him argue both sides. Ask the appropriate questions. Get him to see both sides of the issues. So then, if you do say no, he might be able to understand a little more. That was the thing that bugged me so much growing up – when my parents would just say no to something and it didn’t even make sense.
As far as your other son? Hee. hee hee. This is funny. And I have no clue as I’ve never had a dog and a toddler in the house at the same time. But that is hilarious. My guess is that this isn’t going to last forever either. Keep telling him no, but your dogs are going to LOVE that kid. Just LOVE him for a while.
I can only relate to the one about AndyZ and the dogs since I only have a 14 month old. For us, the dogs know they are not allowed to get up from a sitting/laying position and come close to his chair until after he is out of the high chair at the table. My son doesn’t know that he could feed the dogs if he wanted to, but if he did then we would tell him no. And I really believe that even before the age of one, he knows that no means. And if he’s doing it when your back is turned, then AndyZ probably knows “no” too.
I don’t have a solution for the grades one, but a set time limit is a terrible idea. When I was in high school (I’m now a senior in college), there were days, weeks even, when I had very very little homework. I couldn’t have filled two hours with it. Then there were times when I had oodles and oodles, and if I had to only sit for two hours, I wouldn’t have come close to finishing.
But then, I was always self-motivated and horrified by the idea of getting a B anyway.
I don’t have any kids, so as far as the teenager thing, I tried to think back to what my parents did for me, and I realized that… I don’t know. I mean, I know I was expected to get good grades, but I don’t really remember how it was communicated. And I know there were rules, but I can’t remember what they were or how they were established.
The decisions my parents made remain shrouded in mystery to this day, actually. Hm, parenting sounds hard.
I don’t really have any advice for you. I just wanted to let you know how freaking hysterical I laughed at this post. You crack me up on a regular basis. Thanks!
I like what everyone else has said about the UTI and taking her to potty later in the night (what my family did to me when I was that age and bedwetting…)
Dog-wise, is there another room where you can put them where the whining won’t bug you as much? ‘Cause if you find a way to make a toddler that age (any age) listen consistently to NO, you’ll be a freakin’ genius. And a millionaire. Or what about treats to distract the dogs…kongs with frozen peanut butter, frozen broth cubes, etc.
Teen Grades: Kill. Me. NOW!!
Usually, since we want them to be independent and functioning when they go off to college, we’ve not heckled them too much. If they’re not doing the work, obviously it shows up on the report card. Then we bring the hammer DOWN.
Have one Senior who is slacking big time. Our school system sends home progress reports every 2 weeks or so. After the 1st round of bad grades, we told him he had to bring all grades (they only take 4 classes per semester) up to at least an 80 average. Until grades were brought up, he’s on House Arrest. Slack, slack, slack, nag, nag, nag. Guess who did NOT go to the homecoming football game because if their grades? I think I was more disappointed than he was and that made me even sadder.
The other Senior (I have two, Shoot. Me. NOW!!) does quite well, good independent thinker/worker. But this one FAILED a middle school class and had to go to summer school to keep up with his class. I think he learned his lesson.
Do you have spare/left over baby gates to lock the dogs up during dinner? (we have to stack two to keep the rottie from jumping over) We always put the dog OUT for dinner but let her back in after we’re done so she can “vacuum” up the floor crumbs.
When Junior (4) tries to middle of the night BOGART our bed, I make him pee then go back to bed or couch instead of sleeping with us. He usually prefers the couch. Of course, he quit coming to my side of the bed when he figured this out so now he goes to Daddy’s side of the bed. Short people can be so tricky!
15% of kids still wet the bed at age 7, and BOTH my kids (now 6 and 4) will likely fit into that category! Our doctor says wetting at night doesn’t have much to do with “training” so much as brain chemistry and genetics. Has she be dry at nights nice she potty trained? You could also put her to bed and then a few hours later when you are ready to go to bed, get her up and have her got to the bathroom.
My son is only 11 months old so I don’t have answers for any of your questions as a parent, but I do teach first-year college English, so I have some thoughts about grades.
First off, many institutions are very concerned about grade inflation — making sure that the average grade is, in fact, a C, with several Bs and Ds and a few As and Fs. So expecting certain grades may lead to heartache.
I think your idea of expecting a certain amount of focused study time is a good one. It’s something I try to instill in my students by providing in-class workshop time for major assignments. Then, when students do complain about their grades, I can say, “What were you doing during the X hours of class time I gave you to work on the project?” If a student is unhappy with his/her grade, the answer is usually, “Talking to my friend in the back of the room.” So there you go: if you spend time on your class work, you’ll learn the material and your grades will reflect it.
My son, a freshman in high school this year, was having some issues with his grades at the very beginning of the school year. I told him that I realized that high school, and the honors classes he signed up for, was a big transition, and that I would cut him some slack for the first grading period, but by the end of that time I expected him to have come up with his own way of getting assignments done on time, etc. My husband reminded him that since he IS now in high school, these are the grades that colleges will be looking at when they decide if they want to accept him or not. My son has a pretty clear idea of what he wants to do after high school, so that knowledge was pretty motivating for him. I have also found the elimination method (i.e., taking away the cell phone, computer, TV, etc. for the period of time it takes to complete homework) to be effective. It is surprising how quickly my son can get his homework done when he feels he really needs to be texting one of his friends
As for rules, I’m not much help there. I really don’t have many hard and fast rules. My parents raised me with a lot of freedom and while I definitely did some stuff I shouldn’t have, I never got into any major trouble. I think the key factor was this, I knew that if I got in BIG trouble, my parents would not bail me out. Knowing that there was no safety net made me think before doing something. I am raising my son the same way, mostly because I know in a few years he will be away from home and will have to make decisions on his own. My fear was that if he hadn’t done so before, that he would feel overwhelmed, make poor choices and not have me there with him to help him learn how to deal with the outcome. I saw lots of my friends who had overprotective parents loose their damn minds the first year of college. Most of them were put on probation, or failed out entirely. Not to mention the drinking, sex, etc. that was going on. I don’t want to set my son up for that.
Bedwetting – I agree with the suggestion of ceasing fluids a minimum of 1-2 hours before bedtime. She could just be sleeping too soundly to “hold” it during the night – my son went through that for a while too.
Grades – I don’t know, but I’m not a fan of expecting a set amount of time each day since assignments can vary so wildly. Some days there really might not be anything to study or work on. I’d pay more attention to the grades themselves and as another person suggested, consider threatening to hire a tutor if the grades fall below what you are comfortable with.
Negotiation – I’m a believer in having strict rules, but I’m a big fan of allowing for some negatiation. Just don’t make the mistake some people do, where their negotiation consists of the child saying “Please” X number of times and then the answer becomes “Yes”. But if he has good arguments for why the rule should be waived or altered, then there’s nothing wrong with making exceptions sometimes for good reasons. One good thing about this is that the negotiation process can help the child think through the rules and really understand the purpose of them, which helps once they’re making their own choices.
The dogs – Obviously AndyZ is too young to completely get the concept of not feeding the dogs, but he isn’t too young to start learning not to. So I wouldn’t just give up till he’s “old enough” – that will make it more difficult in the long run. For now, I’d keep telling him no but I’d mostly focus on training the dogs to stay away, or at least I’d try locking them out. I agree with the baby gate suggestion if you can do that. If not, maybe just lock them in a different room. They might cry at first, but eventually they’ll learn the new routine and they will stop.
We always stressed that school was their job and they were expected to perform at their best. I could also check their progress online which was helpful to see if there were missed assignments or sudden drops in homework and/or test scores. Thankfully, not turning in work was never an issue, but I know that is a huge thing. I don’t know if that was due to our expectation or just the way it was. I never made rules about doing homework, just asked what they had and generally what their plan was. Their studying styles were quite different from mine and from each others.
I am all for negotiating. It is a step towards adulthood. Even at a younger age when I said my kids had to take swimming lessons thru to a certain (pretty high) level, like I had to when I was their age, my older son did so, but my younger son hated the classes and one day when we were fighting about going he said, “I don’t need to know how to swim the butterfly.” He was right.
I love reading these! ok, so I really have no advice except about the dog thing…
I agree with a previous poster about the good ol’ sit and stay. My dog has to stay out of the kitchen when we’re cooking. He often sits on the sidelines and stares at us, but he doesn’t come in until I say ok. It took awhile but I think they’d get it.
We’ve only had a few instances of bed wetting with Aidan. Like maybe once every 6 months. It usually stems from him being overtired and not able to get up in the night if possible.
Aidan also likes to crawl into bed with me. If I wake up when he does it, I make him get back into his own bed. But if he’s snuck in without me knowing, I let him stay. He doesn’t try when my husband is home though so it’s not an issue that way.
The dog food stuff is an issue with us. Our dog likes to beg even though he knows he shouldn’t. And Sam is more than willing to throw food his way.
Milk products cause my son to wet the bed. He can have a little bit, like on his cereal in the morning, but if he ice cream after dinner, just count on it.
1. bedwetting: I, too, could use the answer to this one. I’ve been putting her on the toilet before bed and putting a pull-up on her and sometimes she still soaks through that!
2. co-sleeping: yep, another one I could use some help with. mine spends more sleep hours in my bed than anywhere else. I got her to sleep in her own bed at night, went out for a meeting one night, came home and she was asleep in my bed. H has a bigger problem with this than I, so it’s on him now. except when I get elbows and knees in ribs. In the end I know my snuggle time is limited. She’ll decide at some point that she’s too big and will cut back on the snuggles so I enjoy it now, except for the knees and elbows in the ribs.
3. My oldest just turned 11 so I don’t have experience at the teen level, but I just started a policy where I’ll pay for the level of honor roll he receives. $50 for Principal’s List, $25 for first honors, $10 for second honors. Good grades are his job. He is getting paid for marking period results. So far it seems to be working; his teachers are reporting an interest on his part to boost his grades.
4. My son is big-time into negotiating. He tries to argue/negotiate everything. It wears me out. It can’t hurt to listen and be flexible if the case warrants, but sometimes a rule is a rule, and no means no.
5. I don’t have dogs. I have a cat who sits under the table and will not eat food that has been dropped. useless. She’ll lick the inside of a can of chicken or tuna until it’s translucent, but will not eat food off the floor. If I did have a dog I’d try to train them to stay away from the table until mealtime is over, but I’d probably get lazy and they’d be eating off the kid’s plate within a week.
I think you’re a great mom and have adopted some of your policies on internet and cell phone use in our home.
Seeing as how I’m always storing away what you write so I can try and “be like Zoot” when I grow up, I don’t have much advice for you.
However, we did have to start putting the dogs out on the porch during mealtime. It was just too tempting for Bird when the pooches were gathered around him waiting for manna from the highchair.
Sharing the bed: My oldest slept with me until he was 3 when I got remarried to a man who prefers to sleep naked and, well, it just became completely inappropriate! : ) It was a struggle to get him into his own bed. I spent every.single.night. for I don’t know how long walking him back to his bed and tucking him in again during the wee hours of the morning. It finally worked, though. And he’s not emotionally scarred by losing the snuggle time with Momma. I have an 18-month old now who will occassionally end up in bed with us if he happens to wake up especially early. This time around, I’ve trained the husband to just get up and put on some shorts. Probably the lazy way out, but I get more sleep that way. : ) Bottom line – I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but if your hubby is complaining, you should figure out some sort of comprimise. …Which brings me to:
Negotiating: Isn’t life just one negotiation after another? I mean, I negotiate with myself even…okay, if I eat this Halloween candy, I’ll have to be sure to work out tonight. Or, okay, I’ll buy these shoes but I better skip on the jacket. I think it’s okay. I have a teenage stepdaughter. She always wants us to see the gray areas. And, if I recall correctly, I wanted my parents to see the gray as well. I think sometimes if you give kids some wiggle room they’re less likely to rebel agains the black-and-white hard rules.
I’m by no means parent of the year, though, so do not put any weight in what I have to say. LOL
Um, I really have no idea. We’re struggling with bedwetting x’s two with the triplets. I’m also dealing with sudden potty training regression in one of them. I don’t like not giving them something to drink when they’re thirsty so I don’t like cutting them off before bed (maybe I should stand there and only let them have a sip?) but i don’t encourage more fluids. As far as her getting in your bed? My parents used to let us lay on the floor next to their bed but not get in their bed. I have to move our kids because they are kicking, flailing bed stealers.
I can only offer sympathy on that last one. One of my dogs has actually put on weight since my toddler began eating more regular meals. Not good. She is currently gated off during her own meals (on canned food temporarily and dog #1 would totally thief her meal). If I leave her gated, she does ok…but if I gated both…the whining and scratching would kill me. I try to time things with a trip out to the yard for them…but they are smart! My son actually, holds his hand down for them to lick clean in addition to just handing over the fork. My big concern is when he’s eating something bad for them….grapes, raisins, M&M’s (shut it, it’s Halloween!). I think the dogs and I will have to be ok with the gating. Wish us all well and I’ll do the same for you!
I can’t answer everything, but I can throw in my two cents on the 4 year olds….
– I stop Piper’s fluid intake at dinner. If she wants something to drink after dinner, then it’s no more than my finger width. Basically enough to wet her whistle
– When Piper finds her way to my room that early (or late), I just pull her up in the bed with me and cuddle her. But I put her on the outside….OR….I have made a pallet on the floor for her, and told her if she HAD to come in our room, then that’s where she had to lay down.
– The way we worked with grades – she was expected to make at least Bs. Cs were acceptable if we saw an effort being made. If NO effort was made and grades were bad, she had no freedom. Hmmmm…..then she moved out. But that’s a whole ‘nother story! Step parenting! UGH!!!
* Bed wetting. I hear this is a normal thing at this age. We have it at our house right now, and a few times we have had some day accidents too. We’ve just invested in pullups for now, knowing that it should just be a phase. Only drawback to the pullups, sometimes they hide the wet ones. My son did that, and I went through his room, cleaned it really well, rewashed all his clothes, and carpet cleaned his floor, with a bleach solution in the carpet cleaner. his room still smelled like pee. So we washed all the blankets. two smelled so bad still we tossed them, they were hand me downs anyhow. Still smelled like pee. Finally, put in his bookcase, covered by books, I found a goddess knows how old wet pullup. Tossed that, no more pee smell.
* Bed sharing. We take our son back to bed, for two reasons. One, he kicks really bad, he’s terribly restless. HE used to only bedshare, but I can’t stand being kicked. Second is also the bed wetting, and I explain to him that as long as he is peeing the bed, he can’t come into my bed.
* High School Grades.I don’t have a teenager, but maybe use the same thoughts that they use in college. For every hour of class, 2-3 hours spent on schoolwork a week.
* Just let the dogfood thing go, as long as its not food that will hurt them. It will stop, eventually
As for the bed wetting, at least in my house it always seems to be due to being stressed/overtired. We watch the fluid intake after dinner, though it seems my son is ALWAYS thirsty.
I don’t have any other advice, but if you get a good answer on the feeding the dogs question, I could really use some help there! We fight it at EVERY meal.
Hi Zoot! I’ve been a long time stalker/lurker and feel like commenting due to 8.5 hours of babysitting my cousin’s children and the wine that immediately followed.
As far as high schoolers and rules and homework… Based on previous entries, your oldest son sounds like a smart, responsible guy and, again, it sounds like you guys have a great line of communication going for you. Use that instead of having him to x amount of hours doing homework. Tell him to come to you for help, keep an eye on his grades (should you be aiming for college, that’s what matters, not how hard he tried…as I’m sure you know), and trust that you raised an intelligent person who knows to go to somebody for help. If you feel like he’s prioritizes badly, then, yes, setting grade goals is a good idea…but not “get all As and you get $100, get a B and we disown you” type of goal. More of a “stay at or above what you’ve been doing and your life stays the same. Get worse and your free time/social time gets shortened.” Your oldest child is just about grown up and that’s a hard place to be. I agree with you…listen to his gray areas. Keep doing what you’ve been doing…it’s been going well so far!
Dog feeding? I’ve been reading your comments for this, since my son’s been feeding our dogs and my Pom has gone from 3 pounds to 10 in 6 months. Not good.
I’m not a parent, so the only advice I have is from my own experience as a teenager: Hearing NO all the time (and even worse, NO just because I said so) made me start just lying to my mom so I could do what I wanted, which for the most part was reasonable. Like, my curfew was midnight, no extensions. If my friends were going to a movie that ended at 11:55, I couldn’t go because I wouldn’t make it home by midnight. I started just lying about it (my mom was always dead asleep when I got home, anyway) or sleeping over at a friend’s house every weekend so that I could avoid the curfew altogether. All in all, it just made me unwilling to talk to my mom because I felt like she didn’t listen. So I don’t think changing the rules is inconsistent… I would have appreciated it very much!
And I just have to say once again that the photo of LilZ playing with his siblings warms my heart.
I think teens need to know how to question authority respectfully. We don’t want a repeat of the 1950’s now, do we?
I instructed the child to think about his request. I required the use of perseusive argument. I know I can’t spell. I asked for 2-3 points to persuede me. This is best done when everyone is calm. Negotiation is not an option in the middle of arguing or rebellion.
Some rules are non negotiable.
Not having read previous comments:
bed wetting – I’d put her back in pullups, honestly. Easier all around, and I’m guessing she won’t wet the bed by college.
bed sharing – if it bothers your husband, he gets to be the one to escort her back to bed. You get to sleep because it doesn’t bother you. (I cosleep because I NEED MY SLEEP so all transitioning into their own bed had to be done by my husband)
teenagers – not a clue, really, though I do think that it’s good to help kids hone their UBER IMPORTANT negotiation skills before they go off to do it on their own. The world is not black and white.
dog feeding – dog gates to keep the dogs out of the dining room until this phase passes. In a year or two he’ll be shrieking “NO DON’T TAKE MY FOOD” at them.
1. My oldest was a hard sleeper and she wet the bed some. We limited her liquids in the evening and woke her up to potty when we went to bed. Still didn’t stop the occassional accidents, but she eventually stopped them altogether.
2. My oldest (again!) slept hard but when she woke up in the middle of night, she couldn’t go back to sleep. So, she came to sleep with us. And it continued on and off until she was about 6 or so. Then she gradually got better and getting back to sleep and it stopped. But I enjoyed the cuddle time. It was sweet while it lasted.
3.My two kids are above-average ability, so I have told them they need all As and Bs. When a subject is especially challenging, like Chemistry for the oldest, we get flexible. I need to see effort too. Lack of effort means lost electronics, like TV or the computer. Different things motivate different kids, though, so its not the same consequences for each child.
4. We negotiate with both kids, especially as they have reached their teen years. They are smart and perceptive and I have learned that they can almost always offer an interesting discussion on the rules or whatever. We have our non-negotiables, but lots of things are up for discussion.
5. Doggie goes outside when we eat.
Love reading all the other opinions!!
My middle child when through phases where for a week or so she’d wet the bed and then go months with no problems at all…I finally just chalked it up to growth spurts, figuring her body was just trying to keep up with other changes and so waking up to use the bathroom fell to the back a little.
I just continued to make their bed (she shared a queen with her older sister, which was a PAIN on those nights) as I did when they were babies & toddlers- with a double layer of sheets separated by a wet pad so we could just strip off the wet stuff and put them back to bed as quickly as possible. There was a wet pad between the sheet and the mattress too, but it never happened twice in one night.
I have no advice. I usually look to you for ideas on how to parent. I have a 14 year old daughter and an almost 2 year old son. I think you are doing a wonderful, amazing job with your childrean and I hope to be even half as good a mom as you are.
that’s so cute!..AndyZ sharing his dinner with the pet dogs =P..well my take is that let Lilz have fun in his teen years; he will mess up sometimes but he will learn; and going by his caringness for his family u blog abt- I am sure it will keep him ok
AndyZ is old enough to understand the concept of no.
Most people dont give toddlers enough credit for how much they understand.
The fact that he does it when you arent looking means he knows he isnt supposed to, hence his understanding of right and wrong on a very basic level, and totally demonstrating his ability to understand no.
but its damn cute!