There’s a law of physics…or a rule of biology…or a principle of chemistry…something wise and rule-ish that says something about matter not being created or destroyed. Do you know what I’m talking about? Well…that rule/law/comic strip thingy is the basis of a lot of my outlook on life. Hence why I know it by heart. And understand it completely. Or really why I just kinda grasp onto it lightly as a smart thing to reference when trying to explain why I think the way I think.
Here is the way I think: Negative energy put out into the universe can not be undone.
I was sitting at a drive-thru recently and was in a hurry to pick up LilZ. The guy in front of me was chatting up the lady at the window like they were long-lost BFFs or something. Talky Talky Talky Talky. I felt myself getting very agitated and even said something (to myself as I was alone) about the jackass in front not realizing there are people behind him. Then I thought, “Jeezus, woman. RELAX.” Because…really? What’s the point? Let’s say he could hear me…is that going to make him move faster? Probably not. But it most definitely will NOT make him feel good. He may get angry, or embarrassed or offended. None of those things are good things. Would it make him move out of my way faster? Maybe…but he would move out of my way feeling angry/embarrassed/offended. And I could claim responsibility.
Turns out? His food wasn’t even ready yet. For all I know he was just chatting her up while they waited. He may have chosen to make the best use of his time whereas I chose it to get more and more negative. And he couldn’t hear me anyway. So I spewed forth that nastiness out into the world for no purpose whatsoever.
I gave up on doing my grocery shopping for the week in one day after I had NikkiZ. Adding the fourth person to our family created enough added to the weekly needs that I never seemed to be able to remember it all in one trip and always ended up having to do a mid-week trip. Since AndyZ was born the problem worsened. Now I’m unemployed and often planning meals in the morning – so I end up doing grocery trips almost every day. This has given me quite a bit of time to analyze checkout lane behavior.
Our Super Target has a “policy” of sorts that the cashiers page for backup if their lines get more than two people deep. That’s why I love it there…you rarely find yourself in line for long. However, I still always keep an eye out for that Person In A Hurry. You know the type, hell, we’ve all been that person. The person with one item looking for a quick out. I always…ALWAYS…offer that person to go in front of me. And let me tell you why: If I don’t? And if that person is in a legitimate hurry? They might sit there building up negative energy while watching me checkup. They’re maybe irritated I have so many groceries, or that my kid is slowing down the cashier, or that I haven’t swiped my card yet. There is nothing inherently bad about that person…but that’s what happens when we’re in a hurry. We get frustrated very quickly. I always look at it that…if I let the person go in front of me…I can stop that negative energy before it starts to spew. And me waiting another 10 minutes? Not going to affect my life at all. So…I do it for the universe.
I’m a very sensitive person. VERY. SENSITIVE. I’ve been in ugly exchanges in public where people are so openly rude to me for whatever reason and I’ve teared up. I had a cashier at Target recently try to “help” me with my parenting and I now avoid her lane like the plague. I had an experience with someone on my plane to New York City that was so bad I can’t even write about it without getting upset again. Even if the person tries to not act on their irritation, if I feel it coming off of them as they tap their toes waiting for me to bag my groceries? Watch me…you’ll see my eyes get glossy as I fight back the tears.
Why would I ever in a million years want to do that to another person?
Often I can’t help it. I don’t mean to but it comes out. I’m short with a waiter because I’m starving. I’m frustrated with cashier who can’t figure out what the code is for my sweet potatoes. I’m impatient with the person in the parking lot blocking traffic because they’re waiting for the PRIME SPOT. (Come on…you know those people drive you crazy too!) But when I can…when I take the time to look at what I’m doing…I choose not to put negative energy out into the universe.
This shows itself in many ways in my life:
- If I’m sitting behind someone who doesn’t realize the light has changed to green? I very rarely (if ever) honk at them. It’s embarrassing to realize the light turned while you were zoned out staring at the billboard with the cow on it. I hate being embarrassed…so I just wait for the person to realize it on their own.
- I lie to people about my kids. If someone has a child pitching a fit somewhere? I’ll find someway to commiserate with them, even if I have to make up a story. If you’re kid is freaking out because you won’t let them have a milkshake and you feel the need to apologize because I’m in ear shot? I’ll tell you not to worry that my kid screams louder. And more often.
- I’ll sacrifice a small savings if a cashier has messed something up simply because I don’t want to make them feel bad for their mistake. Because most of the time it’s just an honest mistake and I know from working as a cashier that there will be PLENTY of people willing to tell a person they screwed up. It’s not worth the $1.27 to add my voice to the mix.
- I won’t send food back. Now…I have done it maybe twice in my whole life. But here’s the thing…it usually makes the server feel like shit and most of the time it’s not their fault. Yes…it may waste my money not to send it back, but often it’s just not worth it. I ordered a sandwich today without the cheese. I got the sandwich and it had cheese on it. The receipt said “No Cheese” so it was the cook’s error, but I couldn’t send it back because I knew they’d throw it away and feel bad for the mistake when in reality I could just remove the cheese. Which I did.
Many people would call me a pushover. Many will say that pointing out mistakes helps people learn. These people all have points. There are times when I do try to politely point out mistakes. POLITELY being the key word. But honestly? I don’t mind being a pushover. In my 34 years I have learned that there are plenty of people in this world willing to be rude and hateful and angry. I don’t want to be one of them. If that means that I get taken advantage of? So be it. Now, I’m not naive. I can spot a scam a mile away and I won’t be scammed. But I also refuse to let that person trying to take advantage of my generosity keep me from being generous in the future.
Here’s the thing: I face choices every day. I can either respond positively or negatively. Chances are if I’m positive? The person’s life will continues just as it was before I arrived. But if I respond negatively? It may upset that person (like it would me) and they may then be more short with the next person who may then get their feelings hurt and so on. And so forth. Until it’s just one giant negative snowball plowing innocent people down.
There are many times I choose to plow the people down with my giant ball of negativity. And you know what? I always feel shitty afterward. Even if the person deserved it. Because sometimes THEY TOTALLY DO. Those times are the hardest. There have been a couple big negative instances in my life recently where I’ve wanted to DISH OUT THE HATE and ANGER and FRUSTRATION. And I chose not too. And I find myself wondering if I made the right decision. So, essentially? I’m writing this entry to remind myself why I choose to refuse the negative reaction. Because, while it seems like it should make me feel better, it never does.
Yes. I’m often a pushover. Yes. People often take advantage of me. But you know? Even for all of the times where I later wish I had maybe been more of a bitch, I’m still very glad to be the way I am. Because I know that I stopped most of the negative snowballs before they started. I chose to smile and say, “Don’t worry about it…” when someone apologizes for taking so long in front of me at the store. I opted to ignore the negative behavior that might have deserved a bitchy response. Because while that person may “deserve” it? There are reactions that extend out from my negative response to other innocent people. I try to remember that. If every action has a reaction…why not try my best to start the positive step instead of a negative?
So, if I choose to ignore negative behavior, or if I simply choose to not create my own negative towards someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’m trying to only contribute positive energy to the universe. And often? I feel it in return. In the form of the lady offering to help me carry my carseat through an airport. Or the gentlemen letting ME go before HIM in line at the grocery store because I’m trying to wrangle a cranky toddler. And when I don’t see it? I hope that it’s happening in my wake. I hope I leave a trail of positive behind me to influence others to stop the negative snowball from forming in their own lives.
And today? Here is my positive gift to you – something to make you smile so that maybe you can try to spread the joy in your life.
Enjoy your day to the best of your ability.
I love this post. It is really wonderful. And I will gladly join you in the pushover area. Thank you for giving me a reason to stay the way I am without feeling guilty about it.
I’m like you – I try not snap at people when they are being slow, or when I’m frustrated. Unfortunately I work in an office where everyone snaps at each other, all the time. Its hard for me to maintain my composure but I try to force myself to as I every day I see people getting angrier and angrier as a result of their exchanges with other angry people. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don’t, but I figure at least I’m trying, right?
This is a great post. I’m a pushover, too. It drives my husband crazy. Honestly, it drives me crazy sometimes, when I feel like people are taking advantage of me. But I used to have a friend who put so much negative energy out there and I wanted to go around behind her and apologize to all the people she was ugly to.
Thank you for the picture!
I am in the middle of an extremely frustrating home buying experience. Thank you for the reminder I needed to get through it with grace and patience today and tomorrow. I needed that. And Zoot, this is one of the many reasons we love you!
P.s. I would love going to the grocery every day. My grandmother always did and that brings back very fond memories for me.
Good post! I need to work on some of the things you mentioned.
Boy I can relate to what Monica said. I have a friend (not as close now) who many times I just wanted to walk behind her and apologize to those she hurt.
“there are plenty of people in this world willing to be rude and hateful and angry. I don’t want to be one of them”
Thanks so much for this post. You’ve articulated something I’ve been wrestling with for quite a while now.
I totally subscribe to your philosophy. I really take pride in focusing on the positive and letting the small things in life roll off of me. I knew there was a reason I liked your blog–your positivity shines through!
What a lovely post.
Loved your reasoning, its hard to be the one who doesn’t complain or become irritated–wanted to add that on a recent trip to Kohl’s (not my favorite store b/c of the long lines and pushy older ladies who are always more important than me!) I was waiting at the single check out with about 6 women visibly and audibly sighing and complaining about the wait (and actually walking to the front of the line to tell the ONE person up front that she should call for back up–which she had–numerous times). When I got to the front (8 minutes, tops) the check-out person gave me an extra $10.00 off for being so patient–so, occasionally, there are rewards for not spewing the negativity (not often, but it made my day!) You keep on with the good fight!
The most important thing, at the end of the day, is that you’re happy with who you are.
A point about correcting the cashier who gives you the wrong change, though. Some companies have policies that penalize cashiers if their till comes out wrong by a certain amount, even if it’s over. A certain number of errors like that and the cashier could lose his/her job (I lost my first job that way). So, you might be doing them a favor by pointing out their error.
Great post! Totally off topic but I was thinking about when you were ordering your food and they made it wrong and how you just took the cheese off instead of sending it back. I on the other hand would be AFRAID to send it back. I have this huge fear of making the cashier, waitress, or cook mad at a restaurant or fast food place. I always think they are going to do something like spit in my food or happen to drop the pickle on the ground before placing it on my food…LOL. Whenever I go with someone in a drive thru I always say “be nice or they will spit in our food!!” I know I’m crazy…..
I love your attitude
You’re such a sweetheart. I try to stay positive as well, but I WILL send my order back if it’s past a certain level of wrong, but I will ALWAYS do my best to be polite and pleasant about it. Like, hey, everybody makes mistakes, it’s not the end of the world, but could you please fix this?
I agree with your basic argument. There can be a fine line between being a super-entitled, impatient, negative-energy-spewing diva and insisting on proper service/treatment/courtesy. But I sometimes get the sense that you feel like you aren’t WORTHY of proper service/treatment/courtesy, which, of course, couldn’t be further from the truth.
http://www.somagallery.co.uk/images/shop/anthonyburill/02_everything.jpg
What a great post. I find that in daily life there are about 1000 opportunities each day to get annoyed and irritated. Giving people the benefit of the doubt can reduce your stress level so much. Everyone has BAD DAYS. Everyone makes stupid mistakes, like accidentally cutting someone off when you change lanes. Why not just forgive and let it go. I think that life is almost entirely as positive or negative as you make it, so thinking positive is really important to me.
Love this!! Are you are sure you are not a MN…trapped in the south
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for reminding me to chill.
I totally agree. I felt like I was saying YES and ME TOO while reading this post, I was actually pondering this exact same thought driving home from school today, I was thinking about how much of a people pleaser I am and how it sucks sometimes but I wouldn’t want to be any other way!! GREAT post!
Also, the law that says that energy cannot be created or destroyed is the First Law of Thermodynamics, we had a test on that earlier this quarter
I work at a public library downtown, and a lot of times when i’m walking around downtown I tend to just avoid many of the people I see on the street. The other day I was walking and a man said something to me that I couldn’t quite hear. I asked him to repeat, and he told me to hold my head up & smile, it was a beautiful day. It totally turned around the shitty day I was having, and since then I’ve tried to make sure I’m holding my head up & smiling when I walk around. You never know how that brief moment can affect someone else. Thanks for a lovely post. I read you all the time, I’m just bad about commenting because I’m usually too lazy to click out of my reader. Love your blog!
I’m a pushover too.
And I heart you. What an excellent post.
If there were more people like you in the world it would be so.much.nicer. I also try to be positive, especially in public. I do grumble at people in the privacy of my car though. There is something I wanted to mention about your sandwich-if it was a fast food sandwich send it back! If you’re nice about it, they totally don’t mind. I spent my high school years working at Burger King, and it never bothered me (or my coworkers) to remake an order when people were kind about it.
Zoot!! This isn’t positive…it’s pathetic! I honestly don’t mean that to be cruel, but you really should stand up for yourself more!! You’re a wonderful lady….and you deserve to be treated better. I don’t care how you rationalize your “sensitivity” …seriously, it’s time to deal with some of the issues that make you obviously so insecure you feel you aren’t worthy of basic courtesy.
@Christina – I think you missed the point of the entry. I just meant that why be negative when there’s no need? I do stand up for myself…more often than my husband would like as sometimes it embarasses him (grin) but I always do it in as positive of a way as possible. And in reality? My positive outlook in general and my positive way of treating people? Gets me really awesome courtesy from the general public. I’m always awed by the generosity/kindness of random people on the street when I need assistance and I like to think I get that kind of general courtesy and kindness because of my general positive energy I choose to put out in the world.
I want to thank you for this post. Yesterday, I was stuck in a really awkward drive thru line, one of those that starts as one line, then branches off into two speakers where drivers are supposed to choose either speaker, then meld into one line again before getting to the windows to pay and pick up the food? Sound confusing? Well it is to a lot of people. And it resulted in about 5 cars cutting in line before I had a chance to even get to the point where you are supposed to choose a speaker. And I started to fume. And then the last person to cut in line lit a cigarette and dangled herself out of the window to smoke it while ordering, all the smoke billowing back to my car (I’m allergic; I also had an infant in the car…).
Fume fume fume.
Remembered your post. Calmed down.
What’s the point in getting mad? It’s just lunch.
Thank you!
I am no expert, however, I think YOU are exactly right in your approach. I am very aggressive by nature, but showing compassion, patience and resistence to just letting someone have it, is really positive.
Unfortunately I was involved with someone that would huff and puff in lines, scream out car windows, make gestures and idiotic expressions. What did that do for them? Gave me a damn ulcer and made me appreciate the positive.
Keep being who you are, I think you are completely on track!
I think you have a great amount of patience. Thanks for posting this, I’ve been thinking about it all week (in almost every line that I have been in).
Great entry. One of my favourite quotes of all time is from Kurt Vonnegut’s novel, “God Bless you, Mr. Rosewater”: “There’s only one rule I know of babies – God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.” Whenever I find myself in a situation that tries my patience, that quote springs to mind, and I try and put it into practice. Because I’ve found that kindness begets kindness.
The best post ever.
I love this post. What an honest, positive outlook. Good on you for putting forth such good vibes into the universe!
Your a good person Miss Zoot. If only more people worked so conscientiously on their negativity. I try to work on my personal ‘gloom cloud” too and not let it spread over other people.
I love this post and agree with most everything you said.
However, I do disagree with not honking when someone doesn’t notice the light has changed. I see it as a courtesy to the others behind me in line who can’t honk themselves. They have places to be, too, and making them angry as well just sends out more negative energy into the world.
Also, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending food back as long as it is the restaurant’s mistake and you are polite about it. You’ll enjoy the meal more if you get what you ordered.
Man, all of that came out really negatively! I swear I’m a positive person and I really did love your post!!
I feel like I’m healing much more quickly with a positive attitude…negative energy kind of sets my teeth on edge!
What a lovely post. I totally understand what you mean and although I don’t bite my tongue as much as you do, I do try to not be negative to people. Its quite hard when everyone else seems to not care about anyone other than themselves.