Office Job To Stay At Home Mom: The Two Biggest Things
I’ve been working on a series of posts in my head for awhile now. Things I’ve learned about being a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) since getting laid off in August. Because I was essentially a SAHM with LilZ for the first 3 years I was in college, none of this is new or surprising. But since I have a blog now, I feel like it’s a good place to address it since so often women find themselves comparing the two. I find myself able to contribute to this comparison from a unique perspective: As someone who has done both recently. And I’d like to first address the two BIGGEST changes in my life since the layoff. They are the two things I find myself thinking about the most when comparing my life before to my life now. One is super-positive and one is super-negative. I’ll give you the full range spectrum of what the change has meant to me. The extreme HIGH to the extreme LOW.
Let’s start with the positive, shall we?
Number 1: I No Longer Feel Like I’m Half-Assing Everything
I’ve written dozens of blog entries before about how I felt like I was always half-assing everything. Here is one example. I was spreading myself so thin that I never felt like I was doing my BEST at ANYTHING. Hell, I didn’t feel like I was even doing GREAT half the time. Mostly I was just getting by. Both at work and at home.
Now? Now that my home life is my job? I feel like I’m giving so much more. I’m cooking meals for my family, I’m staying caught up with laundry. Toys are staying organized and lightbulbs actually get changed! (If a fixture had more than one bulb in it? I waited until they were all burnt out to change even one of them.) I even cleaned out from behind the dryer yesterday. And I scrubbed LilZ’s shower last week. I’m able to keep up with the clutter in the kid’s room (They share a room, the clutter becomes life threatening in 3.2 hours.) and put DVDs back on the shelf after they’ve been watched as opposed to letting them stack up next to the DVD player until they’re as tall as the TV itself. I’m making regular trips to the recycling center and to Goodwill. I’m much better about remembering things the kids need for school. (Not perfect…but much better.) I’m able to pick up and drop off when they need me to instead of when I’m able to.
There are just so many things at home that I do better than I did before. It’s amazing what this does for my self-confidence as a Mom and as a Wife. Don’t get me wrong, you can’t eat off my floors or anything…but that’s because I’ve never put cleaning to that degree as a priority. I still don’t scrub baseboards. Not because I don’t have time, but because I just don’t care. And that’s okay! Because I’m playing many more games with my kids. AndyZ has started asking for “PahTee” which means “Dance Party” – his new favorite game which simply involves us dancing like maniacs. I’m not against running errands at night like I was when I worked, so when there are last-minute things needed for home or school? I’m on it. I have not felt like I’ve half-assed hardly anything since August. And let me tell you: THIS IS A GOOD THING.
Now, for the BAD THING.
Number 2: I Know Longer Get Any Validation For My Job
Man. This job is hard. I work 60+ hours a week now doing much more physical work than when I sat at a desk. I get no days off and there is always more stuff to do. But the worst part? There is no one to validate my work. No one who notices that I’ve completed a task. When I worked in an office there were things that needed to be done. People knew when they were done because they either (a) asked for them to be done or (b) needed the product of the completed task to do their own job. There were always people who knew what I had done during my day. They didn’t necessarily praise me for it, and that’s fine, but they at least KNEW about it. I feel like no one in my family actually recognizes 99% of the shit that I get done around the house. If it’s major I’ll point it out: “Did you see? I scrubbed the baseboards in the bathroom!” And since no one really notices the work getting done, there is definitely no praise or congratulations given.
If I had worked in an office job that never had anyone recognize any of the work I had done, I think I would have quit. What’s the point in doing the work if no one notices? I know a lot of people who get bonuses or accolades or even just pats on the back in their office jobs. When you are a Stay At Home Mom? None of this happens. I do not consider this a slight on my family, I don’t think I would notice it either. It’s just part of the job, I guess. It’s definitely work you have to enjoy because the money sucks and no one is going to reward you for surviving the day your toddler decided not to nap. Do you know how hard of a day that is? The non-napping toddler day? It’s hard for two reasons: 1) You don’t get that break from hearing, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! MOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYY!” every 1.2 seconds and 2) They turn into demons without their naps. That was yesterday. Yet I still managed not to lock anyone up in the closet. I feel like in the corporate world this would be something that would warrant a Certificate of Awesomeness, or a Mega Bonus because it’s a VERY HARD THING.
But honestly? If the kids did notice I washed and changed their bedding, or if my husband stopped to think about me dragging all of the Christmas stuff back up in the attic by myself, I’m not sure anyone would consider this anything more than just me doing my job. And while in an office environment, doing your job gives you at least a paycheck for validation, and time off and health insurance (if you’re lucky) – being a Stay At Home Mom means you do your job without recognition or compensation. And that? SUCKS GIANT DONKEY BALLS.
So, in summary: I feel better about myself as a Mom and a Wife because I feel like I’m finally able to be the Wife and Mom my family deserves. But also? None of them notice how awesome I am so sometimes I want to punch them all in the face.
The End.
Seriously woman? More of the topless monkey shoes? Stop it, already.
That’s what I’m talking about. This is how I want to be remembered. AS A STUD.
I couldnt have said it better myself!
Yup. You said it. Now, if I only felt like I was getting half as much done around here as you are…
The lack of recognition was my mom’s biggest complaint when we were growing up. But she also didn’t make a big deal about us helping out around the house either – she still doesn’t which upsets me. I LIKE PRAISE!
My nephew has the same polar bear sweater vest and I think it’s the cutest thing ever!
Oh, it’s so, so true.
Happy delurking day!
You said that so well. I’m a SAHM and I homeschool my two oldest children while the two youngest run around and trash the house. So, I don’t get nearly as much accomplished as you do. I still feel like I’m not giving 100% but there’s just no more to give! Oh, and today is delurking day! (saw that on rudecactus.com) I rarely comment but I love your site! I love that you share your life with us so thank you!!!
I’ve been in both places too. I’ve worked (a lot), and now I’m home.
And you are SO right about both #1 and 2. I love that I’m able to keep clean clothes in everyone’s drawers, that we eat dinner together at night, that I’m able to bring my kids to activities. But seriously? An occasional “wow you are so totally awesome and we appreciate you beyond compare” would be really nice.
Although, when they get really unappreciative I just let the laundry slide for a few days, and then fold and put their clothes away inside out and in the wrong person’s dresser…so I have my moments of smug revenge.
Thank you. You say it so well. Without judgement nor rudeness. I love that about u.
I agree. I’ve had jobs (including a 2-year full-time job between my second child and my third/fourth) where even if there weren’t a lot of pats being handed out for my work, I was getting the pat of the paycheck. A paycheck says “Your work is valuable to us, your work is worth something” even if no one else ever says it.
Thank you for this. Two weeks ago I gave my notice at work and in two weeks I will be a SAHM. I have felt like I’ve been half assing both since my oldest started school in August and I feel like I need to be home for them. I never thought of myself as a SAHM and I’m scared to death.
I needed to hear the positive in this post today.
I used to be a SAHM and that is what drove me crazy too. I would meet DH at the door and say look look what I did. He just didn’t get it. I had come from managing in retail where you were judged on your performance so going to staying at home was a hard adjustment. Now I work half a day at a daycare, go to college in the afternoon, and fit everything else in between. ARGHHHH!
I admire all SAHM’s!!! As a teacher, I get a taste of that life every summer and I just C.A.N.’T. Do it! I would never be as productive- I’d spend too much time plopping myself and the kids in front of the boob tube! Honesty!…
I think what you need is a girls night/day/weekend away! Grab a girlfriend and hit a spa or something- leave everyone on their own for at least 24 whole hours! At least they’ll appreciate you for a few days after that.
Totally OT here, but I just did your “applesauce” to my 4 year old and he won’t let me stop! Apparently it’s addictive to other little boys too, not just yours.
Thank you for sharing it!
I think this is the perfect post about the benefits and the struggle of being at home.
There is a joke (that I will ruin as I never remember jokes properly).
A husband comes home one day and as he gets out of the car he sees a pile of toys in the lawn and his youngest child playing there waering nothing but a stinky diaper.
Inside the house the breakfast dishes are on the table, the milk has gone sour. There are painted hand prints on the table and the wall. On the floor is a picture his daughter painted that day.
In the laundry there are dirty clothes piled on top of the washer, wet clothes in the dryer and a pile of dry clothes not folded.
He cannot smell any cooking.
He goes upstairs and finds his wife laying on the bed with an empty box of chocolates and a martini glass beside her.
He says “What on earth is going on? Are you ill?”
She shakes her head and replies…
“You know you ask what I do all day? Well today I decided not to do it”
I think I’m going to print out this post and give it to my husband because you so perfectly summed up exactly how I feel. Thank you!
Forwarding this to my hubby.
Thank you so much for saying everything so well.
I too am back to being SAHM since august and I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. One night in the recent past I told my husband that I needed him, not at that moment mind you, to recognize how much better/easier his life has been since I’ve been home. No rushing to daycare at the end of a long day, no grocery shopping, little food prep, the laundry appears in his drawers as if by magic … You know the list. And so, while there’s not task for task gratification there is acknowledgement that I do DO something. Although sitting on the couch eating bonbons does sound nice!
As a recently turned WAHM, I would rather just be a SAHM. I already had a full-time job and am resentful that I just piled more on my plate. And yes, my WAHD husband has picked up some of the slack, but he has a much higher tolerance for chaos and dirt than I do. Although, come to think of it, I have not changed a dirty diaper in a long time, so there is that one advantage. Anjali automatically goes to HIM for diaper changes now. Score!
I think the lack of validation would drive me nuts. Of course, I’m the kind of person who has adds items to her list after the fact, just so I can cross them off, so I might take validation a little too far.
I too feel like punching people in the face at times.
That boy is going to be a heart breaker! Soooo adorable.
I know what you mean though about not getting validation. I’m not a mom (heh, see: my blog) but I am a home maker, and unless I’m all… HEY! I DID THE LAUNDRY AGAIN! ARENT YOU PROUD? Yeah, it’s not noticed lol.
Happy delurking day!
I’m not a mom, but I work (admittedly, it’s academia, and I have the opportunity to work from home several days a week…) AND I do most of the “inside the house” chores. My husband – bless his heart – makes it a point to thank me for cleaning the bathrooms or making dinner or whatever chores I have been doing. In return, I practically kiss his feet every time he saves me from vacuuming, picking up the dog’s poop, or mowing the lawn. Oh, and snowblowing. I’m okay with our division of labor – and do love that he thanks me. It does make it easier.
Of course, I don’t get much validation in my line of work (since it is so solitary…) other than hey! they want to publish my manuscript!
I read this in the morning and have been thinking about it throughout the day. It finally occurred to me that this must be why I find cooking and baking so much more enjoyable than cleaning! When I make something good to eat, my husband and son are always appreciative and happy. When I fold the laundry, no one cares!
I totally agree. I have only been a work outside of the house mom over 4 years ago and did it in the evenings when my husband was home with the kids, so I don’t have the whole we are both gone, kids at daycare thing going though. Validation is non-existent in our house too. I think if we all got a bit of validation, we’d feel much better about ourselves and not hang our head feeling unappreciated! Maybe I need to forward this to my husband too!
Oh wow, I’m not a mom and I really don’t know how “moms” who either work in or out of the home get things done… and hats off to all of you. Anyway I’m a freelancer and until recently worked out of the home designing and animating kids series for TV and the web, at the same time I taught at an art college, studied for a post grad, did college paperwork, the majority of the house work and cooking often running several weeks together and late into the night without a day off. I had a similar feeling when neighbours would admire some handywork of my husband’s but no one is ever going to give me acolades for keeping my floors and bathrooms sparkling clean. No bonuses, paid holidays or promotions for freelancers. Just the satisfaction of getting a job well done maybe? I keep daily long lists of stuff to do which I take great delight in crossing off. The lists are always way too long in comparison to what I can achievably get done in a day to keep me on my toes.
I think you do a great job. If you want to twitter when you get the vacuming done. I’ll give you a high five
AndyZ sure is a cutie! I love the little tummy!
And anyway, yeah. My wife was a SAHM for some 23 years before going back to work. (Her choice, thankfully!) I’d like to think that I recognized her contributions, but … I went to work and she stayed home to work. Ugh.
I don’t live at your home, but for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job at all you do. And I can’t believe you’ve managed to get back down to your tiny size while being home. (that’s when it piles on for me – when I have time off from work)
Sounds like you’ve found your calling!
I took a small job for a few months and WOW. I learned SO much about the challenges of being a Mom with an outside job. Day-am. It’s not easy. Really. NOT. EASY.
My time with this job is ending and I’ll be back to being a SAHM. And WOW. I’m really sad that I won’t be working at that job, where I had an office and a title and the prestige of saying, “I work for . . . ” And people at work? Never roll their eyes at me and imply that I’m TRYING to ruin their lives.
It’s crazy weird Zoot ~ thanks for saying so!