First World Problems
My friend Michelle one time used the phrase “First World Problem” when we talking about how heated Mommy Blogging discussions can get about parenting methods. Attachment v/s Cry It Out can spark huge debates online. Nursing v/s Breastfeeding can do the same. And don’t get me started on natural childbirth…I still often feel like I’m not much of a woman because I wanted the c-section with AndyZ! Yet, as Michelle so efficiently described it, we live very privileged lives if we have enough already taken care of (food, health, shelter) that we can get emotionally worked up about these topics. Because the rest of our human needs are taken care of, these are our First World Problems.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since the earthquake in Haiti. About how ridiculous I feel for bitching and moaning about not getting enough recognition in my house for the work I do. I mean…I have a house to clean. I have food to cook. I have children who need baths and are not dying on the streets of infections that could have easily been treated with a quick stop at the pediatrician one day. I don’t have to worry about staying alive, so I choose to use the time wisely by complaining about the 20lbs I still need to lose. I stressed out this week when I thought my DVR forgot to record House. And then I stayed awake in bed that night thinking about the children who now have no parents, and the parents who now have no children. How they survived the quake but instead of properly grieving for the loved ones they lost, they have to figure out how they’re going to survive. Where are they going to get shelter? Food? Clean Water? Medicine? They can’t even mourn the loss of their loved ones properly because there’s not time, room, facilities for proper burials. But even if there was…what good would it do with so many deaths? And here I am…griping at my husband about our stupid DVR.
Obviously we can’t spend ever waking moment feeling guilty that we just happened to be born into a privileged situation. And just because we’re blessed doesn’t mean we can’t bitch and moan and complain about getting stains on our “Life Is Good” shirt, or losing one of our favorite hiking socks. But with those images still all over the news, and the telethon from Friday playing on my iPod, I can’t stop thinking about the trivial things in my life that I let upset me, and how they are all First World Problems. I am having trouble with my usual trivial whining (which I do A LOT of, in case you were wondering) because that voice in the back of my head keeps saying: Quit Your Bitchin’.
But…what should I do instead? Obviously we can’t donate gobs of money or time to charity, so I can’t do any real good for these people. Yet the guilt…it’s still keeping me awake at night. The desperate need inside my heart to be a better person, appreciate the blessings in my life, these things have become so strong since the earthquake. I keep telling myself it will all fade as time passes and I’ll be able to get back to complaining about my First World Problems: GUILT FREE! But do I want to? Do I want the images from Haiti to fade from my memory just so I can feel better about bitching about things in my life that are really NOT A BIG DEAL. Because I went through the same emotional crisis after Katrina, and the Tsunami. But those images eventually faded allowing me to go back to my trivial problems and treating them like they ARE VERY IMPORTANT. (Which they’re not.) Or do I want to find a way to take those images this time and use them to make me a better person? Is that even possible?
I’m just wondering if any of you find yourself thinking about these things in the wake of big disasters? Do you find yourself looking at your blessed life (because we are all so very blessed) and feeling guilty for bitching about it? My favorite thing about Torrie’s new site is her About Page where she says, “My old blog had the word “HATE” in the title. I complained a lot. I decided it was time for me to be more positive, more grateful, and set a better example for my daughter.” That is where I’m at. I want to be a better example to my kids and show them with my actions how lucky we really are. Do you do like I do and just wait for all of the guilt you feel after these catastrophic events to fade with time? Or have you ever actually made changes in your life to help resolve the guilt? Or, is this one the many problems unique to me and my extreme guilt issues? Because that wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest.
Focus on important things, Mom, like getting this chalk OFF MY ASS. It’s embarrassing.
I’ve always thought about this–even when I was a kid. I don’t know why, and I still don’t know what to do about it. Using my actions to show gratitude and compassion is a start, though, and I know I need to work harder on that. Thanks for the reminder to focus on what’s important.
This kind of thinking is my New Year’s Resolution every year (for about a decade-which means its going super, right?). This year I wised up slightly and decided to focus on a segment of my overall behavior and thinking. Which has made is a much more manageable task. I think its hard to change so much of the way we think and view the world overnight. But little by little…maybe I can. Hugs to you for caring so much about strangers. If the world had more people who thought like you, it would be a better place.
After the aftershock on Thursday (or was it Friday my brain is mushie) I sat back at my computer and read the news – I keep whining about how much my job sucks and how it’s cold atm and how our gas ran out so we had no or little heating.
Sometimes I need a kick in the butt and remember those who are less fortunate than me. I read an update from MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship) yesterday about what they are doing in Haiti. They evacuated the “missionaries” and unneeded team so that they could then fly in aid workers. There are aid workers sleeping on the floor or on camp beds in the MAF Hangar outside Port-Au-Prince, so that each morning they can get up and do their bit for the peope out there.
Sometimes we get bogged down in trival worries – and as my friend says sometimes we just need to get over ourselves.
Thanks for the link!
I’m trying so hard to be positive, but complaining is a hard habit to break.
I have good days and bad days.
I do think that people, especially in this country, are spoiled beyond belief. I’m reminded of this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk
Zoot…
I am in school getting my Master’s in Social Work and here is something I learned that helps me move beyond feeling helpless in this situations. Practice Empathy-use your sympathy and put it into action (write on your blog for example:)) For me, it is not the big things we do but the little wins along the way.
I am right there with you. I look at the tragedies around the world, and I feel guilty for complaining about the inconveniences of my own life. I don’t think it is healthy for us to constantly think about the bad things in the world. I think we should be aware of them, do what we can to help out, and then allow those events to remind us of just how blessed we truly are.
Yep. I feel this way *every* time a disaster strikes and it’s all over the news. Or I pass a homeless person on the road. I read an OpEd in the NYtimes this weekend by Nicholas Kristoff about a family who, prompted by a suggestion from their teenager, decided to sell their huge house and buy one half the size so they could donate the profits to a charity (something like $500K!) They’ve written a book about it.
We don’t have any kind of financial windfall to share like that, but I am so moved by grand gestures like that. I’m starting to think seriously about adoption as a way to help just one impoverished person. I don’t know if anything will come of it. But I’m thinking, thinking, thinking all the time.
I work in the nonprofit community and thus I am exposed to great need on a daily basis. I have truly come to believe that this shame we feel about our petty complaints is sometimes harsher than we deserve. Are we blessed? Yes. No question. But you know what? These problems, no matter how petty when we think about the grand scheme of things, are still OUR PROBLEMS that we need to surmount. My family has been in steady financial turmoil for about 2 years now. Are we lucky to have a house, not be bankrupt, be healthy and have generally good jobs? Yes. But I still need to worry about the grocery budget every month. That is still in my face, day after day, and the fact that I’ve cried about the children in Haiti doesn’t mean that I can forget about trying to feed my own family this month.
Big events like Haiti make us feel helpless. I think it’s a curse of modern media that we are made to feel personally responsible for every person in a desperate situation. It sounds harsh (really harsh) but we aren’t. Bad things are going to happen. Terrible things are going to happen to people, usually people who don’t deserve it. We cannot always help. It’s a really hard truth, but it’s important. The people who can help are there, helping, and the rest of us can only support them in whatever way we deem best.
In order to not get completely hard-hearted about it all, I try to do what Lane suggests above and I practice empathy on a daily basis. I give money when I can, and when I can’t try to give the intangibles. I am extra nice to the cashier who’s having a bad day. I drop my change in the Animal Shelter jar at the gas station. I participate in local clean-up days. I pay attention to the community around me and I try to make it better. I teach my daughter to do the same.
I hope that helps. Do what you can, and let the guilt go. The guilt is not productive.
And I’m sorry I wrote a novel. Shut up, me.
Well said, Zoot!
I think that this is a difficult subject as well. I also think you handled it quite nicely. My heart breaks into a million pieces every time I watch the news and see another update. We are also not in a position to donate any money right now. But I may have a solution that will make some people feel better. UPS is offering free shipping to anyone wanting to donate items to the earthquake victims in Haiti. Check with your local company for the weight/size limit. And if you really feel like you want to do something, then do what I am doing and go through your old clothes and pick out some things to give to them.
I cried for three days about the children of Haiti. I ate my nachos (every) night and thought, “those kids in Haiti woudl kill for these nachos.” I gave what money I could. And I sort of stopped myself from looking at the pictures. But it made me think long and hard about what I can do to help the children of THIS country. And now Tim and I are probably going to adopt a sibling group of foster children. That will make a difference here and in the life of four little kids who don’t have parents. It’s something I have thought about for years but didn’t know if we could do it or if we needed to wait until our kids were older or whatever. So instead of being embittered and hopeless I’m going to try and do something, anything for a kid that is hurting.
Yes, yes, yes. Guilt and a lack of good solutions to solve it- or, more importantly, make a difference. Because looking at it as ‘guilt cessation’ makes the action about me, and I want to be doing something because it helps someone who needs a hand.