How I Learned To Love Max and Ruby
I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago in Knoxville and there were these Advice sheets we could put little tips on for my friend. I did one that basically said, “Trust your instincts.” We get so wrapped up in what the “experts” say and what the studies show that sometimes we forget to just listen to the voice inside our head that knows our kid and knows our home and knows what is best without worrying about any sort of professional instruction. I wanted her to make sure to value that voice, even as a first-time Mother.
If I would have filled out a second sheet? It would have been: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
In the last year, or so, I’ve changed my mind on two things I allowed to go on in my home. It’s tough to do that when you have kids old enough to argue, “But you USED to let us!” But let me tell you: Don’t let this stop you from doing it. Sometimes what worked with one kid, doesn’t work with another. Other times? You see side effects of your decision you didn’t expect.
The first thing I changed my mind about was letting LilZ have a DVR in his room. When he gave up his big room for the smaller bedroom so that his brother and sister could share the big one, we gave him two conciliation prizes: 1) He could paint the small room any color he wanted and 2) He could have a DVR in his room. At some point in time early this year, that DVR got taken away for a minor infraction. I have never given it back. While he thinks this is because we’ve enjoyed having it in our room, it is more than that. (Although I’ll be honest, I do love having it in my bedroom.) It is that I enjoy the extra family time I get now. See…when you have a busy life with multiple kids no one ever watches anything live. There are rehearsals and tball games and meetings and errands. So, we record our shows. When we sit down and watch them after the kids go to bed? LilZ joins us. Shows like Glee or Modern Family that we all love. Taking the DVR out of his room forced him to hang out with us more. When you have a teenager? You take what you can get. He got very frustrated when he realized he was never getting his DVR back, but I have stood my ground. Yes, on many levels it is unfair. But – I reserve the right to change my mind about anything.
The second thing I changed has been a more recent thing and it will probably shock you. I’ve mentioned many times before that I love some of the tween comedies you find on Nick and Disney. Things like iCarly and Sonny with a Chance. The main reason we started watching those shows was because when LilZ came home from school, he and NikkiZ would watch those type of shows together. She got really into them and on many levels I found them less annoying than the shows on Nick Jr. As a result, somewhere along the way, Nick Jr. got tossed as our Go To station for NikkiZ and replaced by Disney. Shows like Suite Life and Hannah Montana were added to our list of faves along with Wizards of Waverly Place. While these shows were entertaining for NikkiZ and the rest of us, I learned the hard way that 4-year olds should not be watching that stuff.
Well…let me rephrase. I do not know your four-year old. Yours probably was not born with a natural flair for attitude and defiance like mine was. Maybe those shows are just bad for kids born already a teenager, like NikkiZ.
It took me awhile to make the connection between her atrocious attitude and those TV shows. But when it finally did? Nick Jr. went back to being the only cable channel we allow her to watch regularly. I commiserated with another Mother about this recently, as she went through the same thing with her older child and noticed the same effect. Once the shows were no longer a part of their daily lineup? The attitude faded. It didn’t go away entirely – but it has made a difference in our home.
Let me tell you the three main reasons why these shows are NOT for my four-year old, who came out of the incision in my belly with a 14-year old attitude. The basic principals these shows teach as allowable behavior in children which I realized, when I saw the behavior in my own child, is not a good thing to teach impressionable kids. If your child is not impressionable (if these shows had been around when LilZ was 4 I don’t think they would have affected him) or already showing signs of being a teenager, then maybe these shows are fine for you. This is why they are NOT fine for us:
- It is okay and funny to pick on people. Each of these shows has at least one character that gets mocked regularly. Whether it’s the other cast members rolling their eyes because they’re stupid, or siblings getting picked on for being dumb, or just physical comedy involving laughing at people when they fall down. All of these things seem benign when you’re laughing at them on a silly tween comedy – but the first time your child laughs at you when you hurt yourself? You’ll wonder, Who taught them that was okay? Not only did NikkiZ do that – laugh at me when I hurt myself instead of at least making sure I was okay first – but she also had this thing she did (and still sometimes does, the lessons don’t fade that easily) where she mocked me. Not in the obvious way – simply repeating what I said using a stupid voice. No, she did it in the subtle way I’ve seen done 100 times on this show: She would say, in her most 16-year old voice she could muster, something like this: “That’s just dumb that you did that, you know?” And let me tell you – it was like being smacked in the face. And then…to top it off? She would laugh at me. Because – on those shows? That kind of attitude, humor at the expense of others, gets you the BIGGEST laugh. BUT NOT IN MY HOME, it doesn’t.
- Parents and other Authority Figures can be Deceived. You’ve seen it on all of these shows at least once. One of these tween kids gets a hair-brain idea to try to sneak and do something their teachers/parents/boat captains told them not to do. Often times? If the Authority figure is one of the above-mentioned characters that gets made fun of? The kids just get away with it. And the audience just assumes it’s okay because that Authority Figure is dumb! Ha! Dumb adults can be tricked! Other times, there may be a nice moment at the end where they “learn their lesson” but let me tell you – it doesn’t undo the damage done during the previous 20 minutes when the characters had hilarious hijinks surrounding their deception. It’s funny to sneak out when you’re grounded! Fun things happen when you do what your parents told you not to do! Trust me on this – if your 4-year old is like mine? Those sweet moments at the end where the kid learns their lesson? DO NOTHING. The seed has already been planted.
- Negotiating Is Acceptable And Encouraged. Right before age 2 we started working with NikkiZ to learn the concept: When do you obey? FIRST TIME. We are currently working on that with Wes. But – by the time she turned four? We didn’t really need to keep reminding her. Basically – a stern look or an, “Excuse me?” – when she didn’t do what we asked was enough. Then something changed. And like I said before, it took me awhile to figure out where she learned this from, but she started negotiating. “One more book!” or “One more cookie!” I overlooked it at first, probably even gave in a few times. Then it got worse, and I noticed one of these cute little tween girls doing a, “Please Please Please Please!” dance on her show for what she wanted and it all clicked: These kids are the ones teaching my daughter how to negotiate. Which is fine, I guess, for an older child. But for my four-year old? No thank you. I was actually still letting her watch these shows with LilZ still because I hated taking away their time together. Until one day – in Target she says to me, “THAT’S NOT FAIR.”
I would have loved to seen a picture of my face at that very moment. WHAT? First of all – since when did life get fair? Life isn’t fair and I’ve never tried to teach her it was. I’m a dictator, this is not a democracy. What I say goes no matter how it jives with your version of fair.
From that moment on? Those shows are not turned on for even a fraction of a second in this house. I decided to go all out for the reprogramming in hopes to undo at least a little bit of the damage. Yes, I’m sure these shows aren’t all to blame. I also am aware that my daughter was born sassy. She showed signs of the teenage attitude before she learned how to use the potty. This probably made her very susceptible to the programming on these shows. Also? She spends time with real teenagers who sometimes have these same time of attitudes. A more mild-mannered kid who didn’t have a teenage sibling? Might be able to watch these shows and never learn one bad habit. But my daughter in this environment created the perfect condition to breed a pint-sized drama queen. NO THANK YOU.
I feel like the reprogramming is working, and I’ve taken the time to show her examples on these shows to what I don’t like so that she sees exactly why I don’t like them. (It didn’t take long to find examples for each…why did I never notice this stuff before?) Should your child watch these shows? That’s up to you. If it doesn’t affect your child? I say go for it because they are actually kinda funny for an adult, way more entertaining than Max and Ruby. But if your child shows any of the characteristics that mine did? Or if you are already trying to explain why older kids have it differently than they do? Then you may not want to add the fuel to the fire.
But the larger advice I give any soon-to-be parents? You can ALWAYS change your mind. Just because you allowed something once, even for awhile, doesn’t mean you have to allow something forever. Especially if your instincts tell you to STOP ALLOWING IT ALREADY. Trust your instincts. Especially when they’re telling you to change your mind.
Well said. I experienced the same sorts of things, with the same shows, and also traced the source back to the exact items you listed above. My boys are 8 and 10, and I removed that channel from our daily watching list, MUCH to the improvement of my children’s attitude.
Like you said, some children may be able to watch shows like that with no problems popping up…but honestly?
I have yet to meet them.
Good for you for taking a stand!
I think you made a wise choice. I never let my son watch those shows until he was maybe 9 or 10, because they are not geared for younger children. It was all Nick Jr before that until he really outgrew those shows. I think that until they reach an age where they can discern that what they see on tv is not always ok in real life yo do have to keep them away from it. They are too impressionable at4, they are sponges and soak up everything.
I swear I just read about my child. I never put two and two together. He’s 5 1/2 and loves Sonny, Suite Life, Wizards and iCarly. And his attitude? Crappy. I call him the negotiator because is always trying to strike a deal with me. His attitude lately has gotten fresher and fresher. You should have just seen his face when I told him that there’s no more icarly and all her tween friends for him. Thanks!
What a super post, Kim! I don’t have children but I enjoy reading about yours and learning a little about your life. I always read your writing but rarely post a comment. Just wanted to let you know this is a very solid piece!
My children are 9 and 6 – I love watching iCarly and Wizards with them. It’s only been recently that we’ve all started watching these shows together – maybe in the lat 6 months. Before that my children only watched “age appropriate” shows. At the age that they are now, they’re fine watching these shows. They also still enjoy clicking on younger shows (recently my daughter has become obsessed with blues clues in the morning – WTF? She’s SIX?).
We struggle with the TV thing as well. Elliot is almost 3 and some days he practically howls for TV and begs for each show by name, even though I swear he doesn’t even get to watch that much of it. He is really into Max and Ruby right now but I am glad he’s finally getting over some of the other shows that drive me bonkers (Ni Hao, Kai Lan.) It is indeed a personal decision and sometimes when, as a parent, I am too lazy/tired/annoyed to help him do something else, I admit to turning it on. But it’s really all about balance. And in terms of the issues dealt with in the shows, I figure so long as you’re talking to and teaching your kids, some of those unsavory topics can be avoided. But singing the Max and Ruby theme song in your head all day? Unavoidable!
OMG!!!! I am so happy to hear NikkiZ gets an attitude from watching the tween shows. Ok, no REALLY glad, but I had to take them away from Pi also. At first she balked and threw a fit, and I told her THAT was exactly the reason she didn’t get to watch. Now, she’ll ask, I’ll tell her no, and she moves on. Or I’ll slip up and turn one on, and she says “I’m not allowed to watch this because it gives me an attitude!” Hmmm…so I turn it off, even if I wanted to watch it
And maybe you summed up end of October babies…..already born a teenager.
I have found anything on PBS is good….and she LOVES Biz Kids
I have been really fortunate with this. The girls really didn’t start watching these shows until a bit later on. Maybe 6 and 9?? I escaped that type of attitude phase.
But, they have other attitude issues now. The 12 year old especially. She has a hard time with the “fair” issue as well. The mouth on both of them will drive my husband and I nuts. When they start up, I will look around and then back at the child and say “you aren’t talking to ME are you?”
This is such a great post Kim. Well thought out and written.
Thanks for reminding me to be ever vigilant. In our house, we don’t watch any live action shows other than the Imagination Movers (we being those of us who can’t reach the toilet w/o a stool). My husband occasionally on Saturday morning might leave the TV to those shows on Disney that you are talking about – I’ve asked him to turn them off but he doesn’t see any harm. Sabrina already has enough attitude to carry her to 14…she doesn’t need a helping hand!
I hope I remember this excellent advice wheen I have kids. If I don’t, please remind me!
I know what you mean about the Disney shows (you said it much better than I could have). I don’t let my 7 year old watch them for the same reasons. She doesn’t understand why she can’t when all her friends can. How do I tell her she turns into a giant bratface when she does watch them?
I also have an older daughter (19) so I know what you mean about taking away special time that they enjoy together. But, Lordy, one teenager is enough!
This was really interesting. I tend to be really tight-fisted with the TV–my 2 year old currently is only allowed Jack’s Big Music Show and Wonder Pets and only one show a day. My husband, who grew up in a TV-heavy household, sometimes thinks I’m too concerned about it. This post helped me understand why I feel the way I do. It’s not just the time spent in front of the television, it’s the age inappropriateness of some of the shows for her. And that inappropriateness isn’t just language or more mature themes, it’s about how younger kids just cannot distinguish between what’s okay on TV and what’s okay in real life.
That’s some good parenting right there, especially because heaven knows it’s harder to take it away than to just say no in the beginning. Good stuff.
And I’m so hard core that my kids will never even have a TV in their rooms, let alone a DVR. So you can tell LilZ that it could be much, much worse.
Great post – thanks! We still watch mostly Nick Jr and some PBS (Dinosaur Train), but have recently ventured into Discovery Kids. He had been watching Bindi the Jungle Girl for awhile, but then moved onto the Future is Wild and Growing up Creepy (which have animal/nature storylines) I think Growing up Creepy has the potential for attitude, and I will be watching it closely the next time with him (confession: I am usually in the back ground reading a book or on the computer during these shows)
I do have to vehemently disagree with you Max and Ruby – I love that silly pair of bunnies and their clueless grandma. I love the 1940s theme, their house and music reminds me of my family over the years.
Good for you! It sounds like the shows were definitely having attitude implications, so kudos for you for realizing it and changing it.
It is going to be so hard, but I have seen the EXACT behaviors in my 4 year old. Because she is very advanced verbally and otherwise, I just assumed that she was “ready” for these shows, because they were on her level of conversations. What I didn’t think about was what it was teaching her, and how she was developing behavior that I didn’t agree with FROM WATCHING TV.
So, here’s the part where I say thank you. Thank YOU. THANK YOU.
My son did a guest part on icarly. He played the flute. he played Sams’ cousin,,,they said he was the cousin that wasn’t in jail. (Which I thought was an odd comment) I watched the show for several weeks so I wouldn’t miss the episode he was on. Whenever he performs in middle schools they all know him from that tv show. My niece lets her 3 year old watch icarly. I wondered why a 3 year old would even be interested in the show since I assumed it was geared for older kids. I think you made a good decision!
P.S. love your blog!
You are such a good mom – I TOTALLY agree with your advice.
Great decision!! My son is 5 and he still likes Sesame Street and Barney and Dora and I am thrilled that he does but some of his friends tease him because he doesn’t know what is going on on those tween shows!! We also have a teenager in the house and you are right, they get plenty of outside influence on the teen attitude from his brother and his friends, I certainly don’t need help in that area! So thank you for telling me about those shows that he will NOT watch because we have not experienced them yet. Thankfully my teen does not watch much tv.
First off, I love this blog. I just wanted to say in support of your decision that when I was in high school (so more like LilZ’s age than NikkiZ) neither my sister nor I was allowed to watch the Disney show “Life with Derek.” My mom HATED the messages on the show of constant fighting between siblings and parents who never had a clue what was going on, so if it was on the TV, she turned it off. It used to annoy my sister a lot (I tended to be stalling on homework I should have been doing anyways), and sure we were old enough to understand that TV does not equal reality but as my parents often told us “When you pay the bills, you can decide what’s on TV.”
Great advice on both counts!
And TV is a sore spot for me right now because we now have cable and Aidan is learning a whole new world of cartoons. But an attitude comes when I say to turn it off and he doesn’t like that answer. Or when he is repeating things that I don’t care for either. I am struggling to stick to my guns about really restricting the amount of time the TV is one even with educational TV.
I’m glad you wrote this post. I’ve been thinking the same things about some of those shows and video games. The TV doesn’t seem to be as big of an issue here but the video games? OMG! My older kids (17 and 12) are always on the XBox. It started out as an hour or two a day and now they practically live on it. I’ve been thinking of taking it away, or at least severely limiting the hours they play, but kept putting it off for fear of the “but you used to let us” argument. I have a 3 year old that thinks his sole mission in life is to play on XBox so I guess I’d better be changing things around here soon!
What a great post! Excellent points. Good luck!!!!
(and Max and Ruby are awesome, btw)
I love this post. We only watch PBS at our house and it is amazing how much the “retain”
It is really diffcult to not make it a habit to watch it everyday.
Soild advice.
My daughter, now 27, was not allowed to watch The Simsons — same reasons, disrespect, talking back, etc.
It was so long ago, we didn’t have cable no MTV, etc.
So I have a really great adult who doesn’t know all the Simson history. Good trade.
Well said, Kim… it’s amazing what they pick up on that you don’t really notice. Our girl – who is also 4 – picked up the “It’s not FAIR!” argument (compete with foot stomping, and sometimes bedroom-door-slamming) from somewhere. I wish I knew who or when, so that I could send her to them and they could deal with it
I’m now 27, and wasn’t allowed to watch the Simpsons either! I didn’t really mind though. I remember not being allowed to watch a lot of things, PG 13 movies, etc. when my friends could. I really appreciate it now; it allowed me to stay more innocent a lot longer.
My parents also did a really good job of not swearing while we were growing up. I literally never heard either of my parents swear until I had graduated from college. It didn’t stop me from eventually using “language” but it did set up an expectation of how I want to be with my own children, and in the past few years I have been trying to phase it out in general even though I don’t have my own kids yet.
It seems so rare these days for kids to really be able to grow up in a wholesome environment. There are all kinds of sneaky bad influences on shows that are supposed to be kidsafe (the Disney channel, for bob’s sake!)
YES, I’ve definitely had to change my mind on things. And sometimes I feel as if I CAN’T—like, because I said they could, I can’t now say no. But I CAN and I DO. I try not to, but when I do have to I say “I have changed my mind” and then we change stuff. “It’s not working out the way I thought,” “I thought about it some more,” etc.—all perfectly good reasons to change.
I haven’t had to deal with this too much with my five-year-old daughter, but only b/c we have the uber-basic cable and don’t get those channels. It’s PBS and a multitude of Disney movies on DVD for us. She can’t wait to grow up, however, and is frequently pretending to be “sixteen, seventeen, no… twenty!” so I can see where it would likely be a problem for us if we were to watch them.
As for changing your mind- it’s a sign of a thinking individual… and that’s a good thing!
I think the worst offender – which is still on t.v. – is “Full House.” In my 17 years of nannying, I have noticed a direct correlation between that show and sassy kids. (mostly girls) Makes me sad because John Stamos is so yummy to look at.
My 4 year old is already heading down the sassy path herself, so I’ll keep this in mind! So far we’re still sticking with Dora, Mickey Mouse Club, Backyardigans, and Handy Manny. But she just added Max and Ruby, which I’m not crazy about. She also has a younger brother (age 2), and Ruby really bosses Max around, in my opinion. She doesn’t seem to let him do what HE wants, ever. I am not a fan of that attitude, so I try to steer her away from that show whenever I can. Just something to think about. Right now she adores her brother, but I could definitely see her bossing him around!
I have to admit this is my most favorite post I have ever read on a blog. I have been feeling the woes of why is this world like this, why are kids like this, why is it ok to talk to people this way. Your post really did a number on me as to hmm how is my behavior at 45… I quickly ran through my brain the shows I watch. Real Housewives of where-ever, news shows, and so on. I am not blaming the reality shows, but I still cringe when I hear cuss words on regular non cable shows. This made me think about what kids watch. The backtalking, sassying, and smart $%^ comments. They see people getting laughs for being this way.
Really hit home for me in a non-parental way. So thank you for opening my eyes. I am not saying I won’t watch the real somethings again, but I am really not ok with picking on people for 15 minutes of fame or for the fun of it.
just wanted to let you know, we are starting are third day icarly, wizards, sonny, hannah, suite life, and good luck charlie FREE. And while it hasn’t been easy, I’m already noticing a difference in attitude. I’ve also noticed a lot more time spent playing outside.
but it was hard. really hard. like, there were actual tears and i almost found myself tuning into Sonny when they were already in bed because Sicky Vicky just cracks me up. But I didn’t.
Fortunately Arizona has a wonderful Arts channel, as well as an Educational network. And she is tuning into that quite fine.
So, again, I thank you! You’re so completely awesome.
HOLYCOW! I think you may have solved it! My nieces (7&10) have had the WORST attitude problems for a little while and steadily getting worse…I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner. Thank you! I think a talking-to is in order!
Ok when I have kids I’ll never let them watch TV eva! Except the Walton’s maybe I work on mostly pre school kid stuff for CBeebies but I have noticed on some toons on other channels meaness creeping in I guess it takes a while to separate from whats funny on TV doesn’t go in the real world
Thank you! The light bulb just popped up over my head illuminating so much of what my 6 year old has been adding to her daily repertoire! I think I will be able to eliminate iCarly and the others with out too much difficulty but I have one major road block I think… and his name is Sponge Bob! Do you watch him at your house? He is strangely addictive, even my husband likes watching and he HATES kids shows! I L.O.A.T.H.E. Sponge Bob!
You’re spot on Kim. We stopped letting our 8 year old watch iCarly last year because of the lack of respect they show adults and authority figures. And long ago we nixed Zack and Cody for their smart mouths. We’re still dealing with a lot of attitude these days and little does she know more of these shows are disappearing for the summer.