Intertwined
I have gained 2.5lbs during boot camp. And for those of you about to say, “It’s muscle! Muscle weighs more than fat!” Just stop yourself. That would work for replacing fat with muscle, might explain why I wouldn’t lose any weight – but the weight gain? Entirely me and my dreadful anxiety-driven emotional eating habits.
And it’s starting to piss me off.
I’m proud of myself for doing this boot camp. I wake up at 4am 5 days a week and go do a very intense workout for an hour. I feel really good about that part. And I guess only gaining 2.5lbs in 4 weeks is a drop from what I was gaining (the same in ONE week) the weeks before, but come ON. If I could just stop myself from eating when I’m stressed/anxious/depressed – I would actually be losing weight.
There are people, like the wonderful man I married, to whom this would seem ridiculous. You just make yourself stop. Duh. He felt the same way about me quitting smoking. He has intense willpower. When he puts his mind to something? The mental part never stands in his way. With me? My physical body is much stronger than my mental body. I can get up and do these crazy workouts even though my body is tired and aching. But telling myself not to keep eating after a 1000 calorie meal? I can’t do it.
And let me reiterate: It’s starting to PISS ME OFF.
I put all of this work and money into this training program with this wonderful coach and wonderful group of women, and all it’s doing is slowing down my weight gain when I wanted to actually lose a pound or two. Because I’m weak. And because some part of me does get emotional satisfaction from eating. Some say, “I always feel worse after I binge.” But you know what? I don’t. I mean – physically? I may feel like crap. But eating really does ease my anxiety. Which is why it’s such a crutch. I’m stressed. I pig out. The stress wanes. Yes, I may physically feel over-full and bloated and gassy and crampy – but emotionally? I always feel better.
Which is downright ridiculous.
It’s like I get in this cycle. “I’m stressed! Eating will help.” And then my stress just keeps growing and my anxiety worsens until I pig out on something and then suddenly? It backs off. If I don’t eat? I just keep getting more and more anxious. I know this is RIDICULOUS. Let me repeat: I KNOW THIS IS RIDICULOUS. But it’s what I’m facing with this losing weight challenge. A complete and total war against myself.
I’m going to sign up for another boot camp. It’s actually kinda fun and at least I’m doing something. And maybe I’ll figure out some way to convince myself that eating and stress don’t have to be so intertwined. That I can ease anxiety another way besides eating. (AGAIN: Easier said than done if you’re an emotional eater.)
There’s really no point to this entry. I just wanted to vent because I am beyond angry with myself. How can I actually exist as the kind of person who is willing to get up and work out before the sun comes up, willing to run half-marathons and marathons, but NOT willing to stop eating after she’s already taken in two full meals in a one-hour span? It’s like two people in one body. Or one totally bonkers person, I guess.
I hear ya:(
I totally admire your ability to get up and get to your bootcamp every day! That is really half the battle. I have the same issue with food as you do. Have you tried drinking 2 full glasses of water before each meal. I used to think, yeah right …. but since I’ve started doing it I honestly eat less. I’m able to stop eating because I’m full (mostly water, but still). Something to think about
i hate being an emotional eater!! people will even look at me and tell me i am not depressed because depressed people dont eat which makes me more depressed! I don’t get it its a nasty cycle that seems to never end (atleast for me) You should be proud of your self though getting up at 4 am alone is a feat with kids plus your working out!!!
Hang in there Zoot. If you ever figure out a way to replace the emotional eating with something else, let me know…I’d love to hear it.
Can you figure out what (other then gaining weight) is bothering you? Sounds like some core need is off and while that might sound like phyco babble there really is something to it. I think that if you can figure out your root cause, fixing the symptoms might be easier. Other then that, you are already doing most of the diet tricks I know like cooking/preparing everything you eat, keeping busy, etc.
Sorry you’re having so much trouble with this. It can be a challenge, finding what works for you, and sticking with it.
I disagree with you on the “muscle weighs more than fat notion.” A pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of feathers or a pound of fat. Muscle is denser than fat, so a pound of muscle takes up less space, and building muscle is a good thing. At the beginning of a strength training program it is common to gain muscle — which is good because muscle is more metabolically active than fat and will burn calories, even at rest.
Rather than guaging your progress by the scale, which weighs everything (blood, bones, organs, muscle, food and drink in the process of being digested — not just fat), how about taking your measurements or taking pictures? Nobody cares what you weigh, but if you’re getting toned and trimmer enough to notice, that’s what matters!
I’m not an emotional eater (at least I don’t think I am, but I’ve always found it hard to stay on (any eating) plan when I’m home. Weekdays, I pack a bag with healthy foods (including snacks), more than I can usually eat. Obviously being home with the kids, with access to all that good food, can make it harder.
It’s just my husband and a college-age son left at home, neither of whom are much into sweets, so I don’t buy them and don’t make them (very often anyway). If I did, I know that I’d be the one eating most of them, so why tempt myself? Not having them in the house makes them a LOT easier to resist. I don’t know if this strategy would work for you, but having things like grapes, yogurt, fruit, and nuts around for people to snack on or enjoy as treats is way better than cookies, brownies, chips, candy, etc. — stuff I’d eat if it were there.
I know some parents would bristle at the idea of banishing sweets or high-carb treats, claiming they “need” to have them around for the rest of the family. Baloney! Everyone needs healthy food, and getting the younger ones used to eating healthy food rather than junk is a great thing. They might balk at first but they get used to it a lot faster than teens and adults. Plus, you can tell E and D that it’s only temporary until you get to your (weight/inch loss) goal, right. Well, it’s an idea. I don’t know what you and your family eat 100% of the time — only what you write about — so maybe this doesn’t even apply.
I agree with Kate that if something is stressing you and provoking emotional eating, figuring out what it is would be a great step towards getting your eating under control. But sometimes little tricks like putting whatever you tend to binge on in the freezer, or in the garage, popping a stick of gum in your mouth, or any of a number of things that distract you or keep your hands busy can help (they aren’t the solution but every thing that gets you eating less is a good thing, right?).
Does the “boot camp” you’re doing also include some cardio? Building muscles means you’ll burn more calories during cardio, too.
Unfortunately exercise often has the side-effect of increasing appetite enough to cause you to eat more calories than the exercise burns. So resist the temptation to say to yourself “I worked out today so I can have ice cream.”
Good luck, Zoot! You can do it. You just have to figure out what works for you (not easy, but I have faith that you’ll get there).
Oh my, I had no idea my post would be that long, sorry!
And to think I see people apologizing for 3-paragraph posts as “too long!
I suffer from the same issue. I’m completely stressed and overwhelmed right now and the first thing I thought about was wanting food. Lately when I start down this path…I stop and think to myself, “Why do you want that? Are you hungry? Will it actually make you feel better or will it make you feel worse?” Some times it does actually make me stop and I move on to something else…but other times, I just have to go ahead and have that crap food. Everyday I get a little better…but I know this will be something that I struggle with for the rest of my life. I could go on about this forever….but I’ll stop here.
I have at times been a emotional eater too. I had two stents put in my heart last month, and my doctor wants me to lose weight. She has me keeping a food journal and I have to take it to the next appt. in a few weeks. She knows I won’t lie about it, so it’s kept me on the straight and narrow.
I used to think I wasn’t an “emotional/stress” eater, more just a “boredom” eater. I’m beginning to realize that’s not the case. Last night, I saw several very unflattering pictures of myself, not 10 minutes later I’m standing in front of the refrigerator eating frosting out of the tub. Ummm…. emotional eating much? And talk about counter-productive.
Anyway, all that to say… I’m right there with you. I too need to find a way to deal with stress/emotions without stuffing my face.
Oh, and you rock for getting up at 4am to go to boot camp!
Anti anxiety meds have helped me. I used to be so agaisnt taking a pill. But now, when I feel the stresses start to pile up, I evaluate my situation. I ask myself If I need help gettig through the day. I don’t always decide that I need it , but I helps knowing it is there if I do.
I second the anti-anxiety meds recommendation! I’ve had life-long issues with depression & anxiety and it took the birth of my son to realize that it’s okay to ask for help. I’m on a combination anti-depressant and anti-anxiety (Cipralex) and it’s sure helped. I don’t feel “drugged” – it just helps to smooth out the peaks and valleys a bit…
Ugh, I do the same thing. The ONLY thing that works for me is not bringing anything with empty calories in the house. Because if it’s there? I will consume it.
I hear you about the putting of the food into the mouth thing. Seriously, ugh, why can’t I stop??? But on the other hand, go you for the boot camp!
Not to disagree with you about the eating, but it’s a little known fact that after starting an exercise program or amping up your existing one you can gain anywhere from 2-5 pds from muscle swelling. That weight gain can stay with you anywhere from 2-4 weeks. When I was doing the INSANITY program I gained 2 pounds and lost 3 inches. As soon as I finished the program those 2 pds went away (although the inches have stayed gone:)
Oh, how I hear you. Am stuck in this crazy loop where I work out and eat right and the scale does not budge or else goes up and then when I say screw it all and eat pizza and chocolate, I’ve lost 2 pounds the next morning. Am so impressed with you and the boot camp. Go you!
I am addressing these same issues in therapy and one of the things I am doing is reframing the way I talk to myself about food/weight/exercise – if you email me I will be happy to share the thing I have to do to change my thinking.
S
Oh, I so, so do this. Except the emotional feeling after the binge is both better AND worse. The guilt is killer, particularly because I am sufficiently overweight that it is a major health concern, so it’s just a really awful slow suicide. And I already put my family through an attempt of the fast kind.
Ditto.
And LOVE the dog licking photo. And the look on N’s face…absolutely priceless.
I totally understand about the overeating. I find myself starving when there really is no reason to be. One reason that eating might help your anxiety is that carbohydrates increase serotonin levels just like anti-depressants do (btw, I’m not saying you are depressed, merely mentioning why the food might be so helpful in shutting down the anxiety). Sunshine also increases serotonin, so maybe you can step outside and soak up some rays when you are feeling overwhelmed? Although that’s probably easier said than done, especially as winter approaches.
Good luck! I’m with you every step of the way and I think you are doing a marvelous job taking care of your family! The photos are gorgeous, too!
I’m right there with you. Things have been stressful and I’m eating. Ugh.