Day 01 – Something I Hate About Myself
I traced this blog idea back to a blog that now seems to have an adult content warning, so I’m creating my own source-page just so that I don’t have to worry about sending readers somewhere they might be offended. Here is my own source page for the 30 Days of Truth Meme. But, I’m seeing tons of people doing it and finally decided that I was enjoying reading the entries too much on other blogs not to try it here. While I’ll do them in order, I’m not going to do them one right after another. And – I plan on putting off Day 03, 22 and 26 as long as possible. In other words? I may still be working on this project 10 years from now.
I’ve been thinking about Day 01 for about 2 weeks now. Because – if you’ve been around here before – we all know that hating myself for crap is kinda my specialty. I’m very hard on myself. I thought – at first – about declaring that my answer. That I hate hating myself. But I thought that might be cheating so I tried to find the root of some of that hatred and this is what I’ve come up with.
Something I Hate About Myself
I hate that I compare myself to others so readily and so critically. Every person I know – that I’ve even talked to for more than 7 seconds – has been put on a list in my mind entitled: People Who Are Better Than Me And Why. It’s almost like my challenge, to find as many things about another person that they do better than I do. You dress nicer than I do. You over there? You have a more beautiful home. You? You are a better Mom. And you in the corner? You’re a better wife.
I do it to everyone. I see exactly how I fail in comparison to every one I meet. It’s sick and it’s twisted and I truly hate it about myself.
The thing is – it’s not a logical action. I don’t think about it rationally. It’s entirely emotional based on my own insecurities. I know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that everyone has their failures. No one is perfect. The logical part of my mind knows that there are things I probably do better, too. But the emotional part of me, the one that manages most of my relationships, can’t get past the failures. And, as much as I know that comparing myself to others is a fruitless job – it does no good for anyone – I still can’t stop myself from doing it. And I always pale in the comparison.
I think this has gotten worse since I became a Stay At Home Mom. Without any sort of formal validation in the form of paychecks or appreciation from a superior in the office…without any sort of organized task list being monitored by a greater power…I have no real way of evaluating my own performance. Since I became a SAHM, the emotional side of my brain tries to build an evaluation out of comparing myself to others. And I’m always losing in those comparisons. The logical part of my brain knows that I do a lot and deserve a lot of praise, but the logical part is kinda wimpy and gets beat up by my emotions daily.
If you are trying this project as well, please leave the link to Day 01 in my comments section so I can pop by and see what you hate yourself for. You know – so I can compare our answers.
http://ouronlychance.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/day-1/
This reminds me a lot of my sister, who is definitely a perfectionist. A few years ago when she was right out of college, we had a conversation that really surprised me. Apparently she did this same thing, comparing herself to everyone and coming up short every time. Specifically, she told me that she compared herself to me in terms of how far along we were in terms of “being an adult” – establishing a career, having our own place, etc. Of course she “lost” because I was three years older than her, and when you’re just getting out of college, those years are all about becoming an adult! She also admitted that she carried around in her wallet a photo of some model in a swimsuit to remind her of how bad she looked in comparison. Now, my sister is about a size 4-6 (I am not), so this really surprised me.
Of course you can’t talk a perfectionist out of this kind of thinking, but I did suggest that she start carrying around a picture of ME in a swimsuit if she wanted to make comparisons! I’m hardly a psychologist but maybe that kind of thing could work a little… you know, the positive self-talk. So if you find yourself comparing and coming up short, deliberately look for a way to compare yourself where you come out better. Ideally you would stop the comparisons altogether but maybe this would be a place to start. If it would help I could send YOU a picture of myself in a swimsuit, too – that should cheer you right up!
Oh boy! Talking about myself! That’s where I’m a Viking! I posted my own Day 01 over here: http://sonjaengdahl.com/blog/?p=1921
i know you know it’s irrational, but do you know you’re in good company?!? i think all girls do it to some degree. i know you’re not fishing for compliments here, but i choose to take this time to tell you that i think you’re so awesome!! i’m so envious of you – but not in a bad way. i wish i was getting to stay at your house everyday!! and so do my babies. you have no idea how much it means to me that you can make my daughter glow w/ simply an off the cuff comment. i think you’re a rockstar, and it’s ok if you’re a little neurotic and insane sometimes, because we all are. stupid hormones. i love you, lady!
It may have been terribly hard for you to write, but I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes while I read it. I don’t know too many people in the world who thing like this.. I am one of them. SAHM who is too hard on herself and who compares herself to everyone as well. It’s not a great trait to have, but I will tell you that in a sick way it makes me feel a bit normal knowing others have it as well. By reading about your journey with this challenge I learn something too. So thank you for writing it
I’m sorry you struggle with this. I think to some extent it’s natural to compare yourself to others, if it’s any consolation. But most of us can take the logical next step — like Stella — that “I may not be as good as X at keeping a neat and tidy house, but I’m way better than X at (fill in the blank).” We all have our good points and bad points. Nobody’s perfect.
I saw the list on Izzymom and am planning to do it for November – you know, so I have something to write about everyday for NoMowhateverit’scalled.
And I SO GET the SAHM validation thing. Kevin and I were just talking about it the other night. It is why I cook and sew now – I just need someone to say, “You are awesome!” sometimes, you know?
http://jillbesfavorites.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-1.html
-however, my blog is private, but I can add you to read if you like. Just email me and let me know your email if you’d like to read.
And I do the same thing you do, so don’t feel alone!!
I completely do that! Only for whatever reason, if I judge myself to be too far beneath someone? I won’t even attempt to become their friends. I feel like I would have nothing to contribute and that’s sad because as others have pointed out to me repeatedly, I completely undercut myself in those judgments. So I end up befriending a lot of people that I have little in common with — for example people in a mommy and me class with whom the only commonality is motherhood rather than joining in on the conversation of the other moms who are discussing books simply because they’re more pulled together/girly than I am at that moment and therefore are somehow better moms/people? Or because they’re working moms with careers and I’m “only” a SAHM so what could I contribute?
Wow. . .I’m so right there with you girl. Just this past weekend I was at a party for a friend at an acquaintance’s house. I stared at their simple ranch-style house and the amazing job they’d done decorating it. As the party went on I recalled thinking: this person goes camping more than me, that person has great clothes, she brought a better dish, they seem to be at ease talking to all these people, and their kids are really well behaved, etc, etc, etc
You are not the only one. promise!
I’m starting on Monday because starting on Mondays is something I do… and possibly something I hate about myself. Hm.
In regards to comparison… I don’t compare myself with anyone until I feel like they are judging/comparing with me. Then it’s like, “OMGz I am so not as in the cool as they are!”
You are better than me at crafts, and home decorating, and having curly hair, and running
you know i struggle with this one, too. remember that comment someone left awhile back, about not comparing your insides with everyone else’s outsides? i think of that every day now.
ps u rock a little better than the regular competitor, btw.
Wow I’m surprised at this because from where I stand I think your pretty successful and brave too. Its good to give yourself goals and improve, but I always think your too harsh on yourself. I know what you mean about the validation of money for what you do, praise of working peers, etc as I worked alone at home for years, but y’know if we always did something for money so much other good stuff would never be done. What I get impatient about myself is that I always chase the paid jobs and never give myself the time, I promised myself each year, for me to work on my own projects and ideas. Sigh. Also I could exercise a little more and lay off the gummi bears.
Actually I was just thinking just this morning how organized you are framing and hanging all your photographs in your living room while I have bit and pieces scattered all over my apartment, meaning to hang to buy frames for.
My friend and I often text each other randomly ‘ Your the best”. Which we follow back by “nooo, your the best”.
Hey Zoot YOUR THE BEST!
No reply needed x
I do the same thing ~ You mention how being a SAHM has increased your comparison mode, and I’d say that having a chronic illness, and knowing that I’m so far away from what’s “normal” has impacted mine. It’s a hard thing to overcome, but I’m hoping your wimpy brain (and mine) can eventually beat up that other side.
I did day one today, if you’re interested:http://neverthateasy.blogspot.com/2010/11/30-days-of-truth-day-01.html
(And yes, thinking about some of the other days is already making me anxious. Sigh.)
Oh lordy. http://muirnait.blogspot.com/2010/11/on-being-brave-and-day-1.html