Expectations and Bitterness
Wesley is very bitter I cut his hair. He would like to return the favor by cutting mine in my sleep.
I mentioned once that my Dad taught me not to fear death, but lately I’ve been thinking about some of the other lessons he taught me while living. He mentioned these lessons periodically in reference to several things that happened in his life and I find myself revisiting them often. He said, “Don’t ever lend money to a friend or family member unless you are completely okay with not getting it back.” He would modify the idea for non-money related favors, “A true favor is better given without an expectation of some sort of compensation, even in the form of recognition.” I don’t know if these were the exact words, but basically it all boiled down to the same concept for my Dad. Give generously and selflessly or don’t give at all. If something is going to make you bitter, or stressed, or anxious – then don’t volunteer or offer to do it or give it.
He and I talked about this a lot in various situations in my adult life, and I think about it even more now that he’s gone. I think these things have helped me avoid any sort of bitterness or anxiety or frustration over time or money or services given as a favors. If I feel like offering my assistance, or money, or time should be paid back in kind? I don’t offer it. Hell…I don’t even get stressed out about whether or not I get Thank You cards. If I get one I feel like it’s a total bonus, but I don’t train myself to expect them. Some people take it really personally if they don’t get one, and I think that’s fine. That’s their way. But it wasn’t my Dad’s way. If he got any sort of invitation from any family member – wedding, graduation, birthday – he sent a check. Did he ever complain about whether or not he received a Thank You card? No. Did he appreciate the ones he got? Sure. But he never carried around any bitterness if he didn’t. You never heard him say anything like, “Well…when I sent him a graduation check he never thanked me.”
I am so glad for this trait. I’m not sure how normal it is – but I’m glad it’s there. I hate bitterness, I truly do. I think it shades the rest of your life and relationships if you hold onto bitterness, and I feel like my anxieties do enough to complicate my life, I don’t need to add any bitterness to the mix. So when I offer something? I truly don’t expect anything in return.
Now…did he teach us about being grateful? YES. I try to be super grateful for anything offered, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect. Sometimes I forget Thank You cards. Sometimes I don’t keep track of how many favors you’ve done for me so maybe the balance is off a little. I think I’ve always paid back money, but I’m not perfect so maybe something fell through the cracks. Nothing major, I’ve never borrowed anything major, but maybe coffee or lunch money. And I often wonder, if those things have happened, is someone bitter with me about it? Is someone holding onto that time they bought me lunch and I never paid them back? Or the fact that they babysat for my kids 22 times and I only babysat for theirs 19? I wonder. Because there are people who do that…keep track and get bitter when the scales don’t balance or tip in their favor.
I guess I just feel like my insecurities and anxieties and stress levels add plenty of hurdles in relationships and life. I’m just glad bitterness over some sort of favor tally-keeping isn’t thrown in the mix as well.
Oh, I get so annoyed when people keep running tallies of who did what for them. The woman who used to live across the street from my parents when I was growing up did that, and it made my mom nuts. The woman would do things for my parents without asking if they needed/wanted them done, which is fine, but then she’d always bring them up in the future — “Can you take me to the airport tomorrow morning at 4:30? I know it’s early, but you sort of owe me for when I watered your lawn for you last week …”
YES. That’s exactly what bugs me.
I’m on board with this 100%. Keeping track of “favors” is far too time consuming, and bitterness is never worth the time or emotion spent on it. If you can’t give without expectations, then don’t give. My flaw is in showing gratefulness – I’m terrible with thank you notes; I don’t even send Christmas cards! I’m not great with social niceties, but I don’t seem to be concerned enough to do anything about it. Character flaw, probably.
But you know? I think I’d rather have someone who forgot to mail a Thank You card than someone that keeps track of whether or not I mailed one to them!
I admit I sometimes keep those lists in my head, and I don’t want to. It’s a conscious effort, in fact, to shut them up. I know that it’s my low self-esteem that leads me to want praise for doing things for other people…so I just work on talking to myself about the motivations and try to get over it
Good post! I will do favors for others without expecting anything back, but do find friends that are mainly takers and not givers a little aggravating. I have a friend that is beginning to do that quite often.
I try to not have litmus tests in any kind of relationship, but if I had one this would be it. I try to offer as much as I can to watch kids, pick up other kids from activities, whatever. Score keeping and making things fair are such a waste of actual time and also mental energy that when people do this, it really makes me write them off. I cannot be around someone that wants everything equalized.
Great post! I agree that you should not keep score or be bitter but I do also think that you shoulkd be careful that others do not take you for a fool.
For example, a friend of mine split up with her husband and when they sold up and she moved into a new house, I was in the new house to await the movers while she did last minute cleaning and handed over they keys of her old house. I directed the movers and unpacked a LOT of the boxes before she came in. She thanked me profusely at the end of the day, promised to buy me dinner as a thank you… and then did not contact me for 8 months!!
I stopped trying to contact her after about 3 months. She has got over whatever her issue was now and has contacted all her old friends again but I admit that I was a lttle bitter for a while!
I’m exactly the same…about a year ago I started changing my life dramatically by taking a really honest look at it, and I came to the same conclusion as your Dad. I don’t expect anything from ANYONE, no matter what I do. I even trained myself to think that way about my current relationship, whenever I start to feel jealous or some other petty emotion (I’m a very jealous person naturally). Should I expect anything from him? No. Jealousy is just another way of trying to feel like I own him. I trust him completely, but I can let him do his own thing because I don’t expect anything from him… I’m just lucky he loves me as much as I love him and that he treats me so well!