We closed the show Saturday night and had most trace of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ gone by about 11pm. I woke up early Sunday morning knowing I needed to run but I was so tired and it was VERY cold. Mid 20s. I decided to “wait” until it got warmer. Around 9am it had only gotten up to about 26 degrees out and I was running out of time to get my long run in before I had to be at E’s school. I was having a REALLY hard time pushing myself out the door so what did I do? The same thing I always do when I’m struggling to leave the house for a run: I posted to Facebook.
I see a lot of snarky lists around telling what statuses people hate on Facebook and it always includes something derogatory about people posting about running. And I get it, I do, but I have to do that. It’s not for the sake of everyone else, it’s because I know that once I say something like, “Bah! It’s cold but I have to run!” then someone out there is suddenly holding me accountable. They may not know it, but they are. At least as some sort of imaginary force in my head. Because I feel like once I’ve told Facebook I need to go run, then I have to or someone on Facebook will yell at me.
I use my blog in the same way. I was winding down last night thinking Damn. I complained a lot at Family Dinner tonight. My blog would not be happy with me. I had a bad evening where I became Debbie Downer and popped into a family gathering and proceeded to whine/moan for an hour. I’m sure my family really appreciated that. I didn’t think about it at the time, but at the end of the day I thought about how bad I sucked.
I write on this blog a lot about my goals to BE BETTER. To increase the Awesome in the world as best as I can. And after nights like last night where I spewed negativity out into the universe I think about how disappointed my blog would be.
It’s not that I honestly think any of you are going to hunt me down and say, “Why are you being so negative! Be positive!” But because I use this platform to encourage myself to be better, I somehow use it as a force of accountability. I was thinking Well, I better tell my blog how sucky I was so that it will help me be better.
And this is why I love the internet. The online community gives me a support system that I need desperately. Even if I’ve invented it entirely in my own head. Because, even though I can’t undo the damage I might have inflicted on my unsuspected family when I unloaded my stress bomb on them, I can try to be better next time with this weird assumption that if I don’t: MY BLOG WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN ME.
So, thank you. For being the imaginary angel on my shoulder I need to keep me from falling into downward spirals of negativity and binge eating. Here’s to an AMAZING Monday where I try not to alienate people around me with my whining. Instead, I want to alienate them with my constant chatter about trail running. Because I’m kinda hooked on it and like to talk about it incessantly. I am just a walking and talking “Things I Hate About Facebook” list, aren’t I?