Confidence: GONE.

So, um…I’m running a marathon tomorrow. Did I forget to mention that?

The reason why, is that I missed my long run last weekend and I have since fallen out of confidence and fear failure tomorrow.

The two weeks since my last long run (I did 25 between two days that weekend) I’ve only run a total of 17 miles, which is about half of what I should have run during that time frame.

Now…part of me thinks this is soooo not a big deal. When I look at the big runs of 2012, I see a lot of that. I only ran 4 miles the week before my 25K in March. I only ran 5.5 the week before my 13.1 in April and I only ran 29 in the full two weeks before my marathon in May. I tend to cut it very low during my taper weeks.

But I’ve NEVER missed a weekend long run before. Not in this entire year aside from the 4 weekends I was on bedrest before my miscarriage. Over the ENTIRE YEAR this past weekend is the ONLY non-medical induced long-run free weekend! As a matter of fact, I’ve done back-to-back long runs most weekends starting in June. So going one whole weekend without a long run before my marathon?

CONFIDENCE. SHATTERED. TO. PIECES.

I do have a time goal tomorrow, and that’s rare. I usually just want to “Finish Happy” as I’ve been preaching for a year now. But tomorrow I’m going in wanting to come in around 5 hours. And I’m even running with a friend who is pacing a few of us at that speed. But my confidence? GONE.

It’s tough because this is not an exact science. You do your best, but some people train perfectly and fail come race day. Some train imperfectly and succeed. And none of those people will have the same race day experience even after the same training.

Logically? I know I’ll finish and I’m pretty sure I’ll meet my goal as long as I don’t stop (that always screws me over) and I accept I might not finish “happy”. But emotionally? I’m wondering if I should even start.

And this is hard because – with me – 80% of distance running is mental. I have to be on and confident because I tend to hit at least one MAJOR dark spot during any big race. And if I’m able to overcome that, it’s because I had confidence.

So…I’m psyching myself up now. I CAN DO THIS. Even if I crapped out the last two weeks, I ran over 300 miles the 8 weeks before that. I ran a 50K 3 weeks ago. I CAN DO THIS. And I can do it in under 5 hours. TOTALLY. And I’m going to look cute while I’m doing it! Which is really the source of half of my confidence. It’s dumb, but if I don’t like my running outfit? I don’t run as well.

So I have the outfit! The training (mostly)! The strength! The stamina! The confidence! I’m ready to knock this out of the park!

Right?